Month: December 2009

What Is RIE Anyway?

“What is RIE anyway, and what it it all about ? I’ve heard that it is sort of cult like, that it is “hands off” parenting, that RIE believes in letting babies cry and not helping them… How can any of this be good for children ? Babies are vulnerable and need their parents to take care of them, hold them, and comfort them- otherwise, how will they learn to feel safe and loved ?”

This question was in my in-box this morning. Myths, misunderstandings, and misconceptions abound, so I thought I’d try to clarify.

The simple response is that RIE stands for Resources For Infant Educarers, which represents both the philosophy of infant care that Magda Gerber began introducing to parents and caregivers in the United States beginning in the 1970’s, as well the non-profit organization she founded, through which parenting classes and professional trainings are offered.

RIE emphasizes caring for infants with Respect for their unique needs, as well as their unique strengths and capabilities. Magda wanted us to look at babies not as needy little unformed lumps who are completely dependent on adults for everything, but as competent little beings in their own right, capable of being full and active participants in their own growth and development from the very beginning.

By the way, the concept of respect refers not to just what babies need and want, but what parents need and want as well. More about this later.

Educarer is a term Magda coined which embodies the idea that adults educate or teach, and babies absorb, many lessons about themselves, their world, and how capable (or not) we perceive them to be, through our approach to daily activities like diapering, feeding, bathing, play and discipline. In other words, our attitudes and actions give the baby messages about how we see him or her, which s/he internalizes, which then influences what s/he learns, and who s/he becomes.

RIE seeks to answer the question of how to go about parenting or caring for very young children in ways that will allow them to become self confident, competent, capable, exploring , curious, contented, secure, focused, resourceful, peaceful, inner directed, involved, aware, self-initiating, cooperative, attentive, interested, and authentic children and adults. When you think about what you hope to achieve through your parenting doesn’t that about cover it.?

Research proves that babies learn first and best within the context of a nurturing relationship with a trusted adult or adults, and then when basic needs for food, rest, and nurturing are met, through their own exploration of the world around them.

Obviously there are many means to achieving an end and the RIE philosophy offers one way.RIE encourages starting with basic trust – a belief that your baby has the ability to initiate, explore,and learn within an environment that is physically safe and emotionally nurturing. Diapering and other care-giving activities are ideally carried out in a manner that allows and encourages your child’s active participation. Providing uninterrupted playtime, and the freedom to explore, combined with sensitive observation on the part of adults in order to understand what is needed and when, along with consistency, and clearly defined limits and expectations (discipline), round out the recommendations.

Are you beginning to see that RIE is in no way “hands off ” parenting” ? In fact the relationship and the development of a strong reciprocal (two way) relationship and communication between parent and child are at the crux of the philosophy. They may be tiny, but don’t underestimate what babies bring to the table !

Nowhere is there ever any mention of allowing a baby to cry without consolation. What you will find is the suggestion that when a baby cries, the adult should take a moment to stand back and ask, “What is my baby trying to tell me ? What does she need in this moment?” as opposed to rushing in and automatically reacting by shushing, pacifying, rocking, feeding, or distracting. The idea is that the cry sends a message, and without a doubt a response is called for – but what response ? I refer to this as being responsive rather than reactive in your parenting. It leaves a little room for taking a breath, listening, and responding in a thoughtful way. This practice alone brings a new calm to your parenting and strengthens your relationship and communication with your baby.

Here’s an example: Baby J. (10 months old) wakes from his nap crying. This is unusual for him, as he usually wakes happy and babbling. I look at the clock and see he’s slept for an hour, which is half an hour less than he usually sleeps. I decide not to go into his room immediately,because it’s possible he may need to go back to sleep, and if I walk in, I know this will further arouse and upset him. So I wait 5 minutes and listen. After 5 minutes, he doesn’t settle, so I go to him, and greet him. J. is standing in his crib, and crying a little bit. He quiets when he sees me. “Hi J., you woke up a little early today! I heard you crying. Do you want to come up (reaching my arms out to him) ?” J. reaches out for me and I pick him up and he snuggles into my shoulder. After a few minutes, he pulls back, looks at me, and grins, and starts to wiggle to get down. ” Hold on little guy, let’s check your diaper, before you go play. You woke up from your nap a little early and I want to make sure it’s not because you are wet and uncomfortable.” So we change his diaper, and he is indeed wet AND poopy which probably explains the early waking. Once he’s changed, he plays happily for awhile, until it gets close to his lunch time. After lunch, he goes for his second nap of the day about 15 minutes early because he is fussy, and uninterested in playing.

This simple interaction is a dance and a conversation between J. and me.How do I decide how and when to respond ? Notice I don’t just rush in when J. cries and scoop him up. Why? Because I know this baby, and I know he sometimes wakes early from his nap, but that if he hasn’t quite finished sleeping, he will often go back to sleep on his own within 5 minutes if I leave him be. If he doesn’t go back to sleep in 5 minutes, something is up – he needs a diaper change, or he’s teething for instance. I don’t offer a pacifier or try to lull him back to sleep by rubbing his back, rocking him, or offering a bottle. Why ? Because he doesn’t use a pacifier, and he goes to sleep in his crib unassisted. If he’s awake and standing up in his crib, he’s done sleeping . It’s also not a time when he usually eats or is hungry – so I don’t offer food as comfort- I offer snuggling instead. I suspect a diaper change is in order, but I don’t automatically rush to do this either, until J. indicates that he’s ready to move on.

If you can’t imagine a baby (your baby) going to sleep in his crib unassisted without nursing or a pacifier, waking happy and cheerful, eating and sleeping at predictable times, and playing happily on his own for periods of time without being entertained by you, let me suggest that this is the joy and the gift of the philosophy in action. J. is a secure, happy, capable, communicative, loving, engaging little person, and his parents and I are utilizing many aspects of the RIE philosophy in caring for and raising him.

The proof is in the pudding so to speak, and parents utilizing the philosophy often find that they are rewarded for their efforts with babies who are happier and more content.

The Greatest Gift

Well, I seem to be on a roll here, so I’m going to keep the momentum going and write another post. I’m off from work this week, and have the benefit of being without children so that I can actually reflect on what’s important in the day to day work of caring for and raising them. I realize this is a luxury most parents rarely, if ever, get. I hope to inspire you with my reflections.

Now that most of the holiday hustle and bustle has died down, and the presents have been bestowed, it seems like a good time to remind ourselves of the greatest gift we can give our children. This is the one that doesn’t cost anything, can’t be purchased from a store, doesn’t come in a box, can’t be opened, and the one our children most need, most benefit from, never tire of, and are most delighted by time and time again.

Have you guessed what the gift is ? It is the gift of our full, unhurried, time and attention. It is the easiest one for us to forget and lose sight of as we go about our busy days, doing everything that needs to be done to care for our children, and keep a home running smoothly. It is sometimes too easy to fall into the trap of “doing for” and “giving” ( in the material sense ) to our children.

What do you do if you realize you’ve gotten off track, or how do you start if this idea is new to you?

First, make or renew your commitment to try to slow down when you are with your child.

Begin by turning off the phone, the music, the computer, and the TV for short (and then maybe longer periods) of time everyday, and spend that time quietly observing your child at play. You can start with as little as 15 minutes a day.You don’t have to entertain your child, just be near him, and present with him, allowing him to take the lead in initiating contact, and in choosing what objects to play with and how to play with them. This is what Magda Gerber called “wants nothing” quality time.

You have no set agenda or expectations. You are simply bringing your full attention to your child. The benefits of practicing “wants nothing” quality time are enormous for both you and your child.You can begin practicing ” wants nothing” quality time with your new born baby- just lay a blanket on the floor, place the baby on the blanket, and sit down near her.Babies younger than three or four months don’t even need toys. Just watch what she pays attention to, and how she moves her body, or responds to your voice.

I have had parents report that it has changed their relationship with their child. Here are just a few of their reflections :

“I was surprised to find how much we both enjoyed this time together. I saw my baby in a whole new light. I wasn’t really aware of how capable she was before.”

“I started practicing “wants nothing quality time” with my two and four year old children first thing upon arriving home in the evening, at your suggestion. I was skeptical at first, but I was desperate. After a long day at work, I’d pick my children up from childcare, and our evenings were a nightmare, with the kids whiny, picking on each other, and competing for my attention. It was all I could do to get dinner made, give them baths, and get them to bed, without losing my sanity. I often resorted to yelling, and turning on the TV to quiet them down. I didn’t know how to turn this situation around. When you suggested that I let everything go, and spend the first half hour at home practicing “wants nothing quality time” with them, my first thoughts were “How am I going to find time do this?” It will never work.” But what I was doing wasn’t working either. Well it’s been a month now, and I’ve got to tell you that this has been the greatest gift I have ever given myself and my children. We all look forward to arriving home these days. Our evenings are much more peaceful. I really enjoy this time with my kids; it helps me to decompress from my day, and I feel so much closer to them. The kids are so much calmer, and more co-operative in the evenings, and we are all generally a lot happier, so thank you.”

If you are new to practicing being with your baby or child in this way, it can seem a little strange at first. You may feel you should be doing something or saying something, singing a song, or otherwise engaging your child, but the gift you are giving your child in refraining is the gift of unconditional positive regard – you are saying to her, “I’m interested in you and I want to be with you. I appreciate you just as you are. I’m interested in finding out about you, and how you experience the world.” Even little babies have personalities all their own, and by giving them a little space, we can come to see and appreciate their unique qualities and capabilities.

I will talk a little bit more tomorrow about creating a home environment to support you in your endeavors, as well as the opposite of “wants nothing” quality time – which is “wants something” quality time, which is another way to give our children the gift of our time and full attention.

It’s All OK

Last week there was a day at work that went something like this: Both children (one 4 year old and one 11 month old) were sick with colds and ear infections, there were dishes to be washed, the laundry was piled up to the sky, toys were strewn everywhere, the cat was complaining because she wanted to be fed, the fish was drowning in its own waste, it was time for S. to have her ear drops again- which required that she stay laying down and still for at least 15 minutes afterwards, which required that I sit with her and read to her, the baby needed to be coaxed to eat something (anything), it was pouring rain outside, the doorbell was ringing periodically as delivery men made holiday deliveries, cookies needed to be baked for the holiday party at S.’s preschool the next day, both children were cranky and competing for my attention, the baby’s diaper needed to be changed again, and on and on. I was feeling tired, overwhelmed, and frazzled. Not at all like Mary Poppins.Of course Mary Poppins had magic at her disposal, and I- well- I don’t.

So I really understood when my friend Amy, who is a stay at home Mom, called and related a similar tale of woe and desperation. ” I feel like I’m drowning and I don’t know what to do first.”

It’s days like this – which can sometimes turn into weeks- that can make you question your sanity and ask yourself why you ever thought you wanted to become a parent (or in my case, a caregiver), in the first place.It’s the little day to day challenges that can wear us out and wear us down.

It’s days like this that Magda’s Gerber’s words, “this too shall pass” come to mind. The challenge is to take a deep breath and stay focused as much as possible in the present moment, while trusting that soon – tomorrow or the next day, or maybe even 10 minutes from now (if a miracle occurs), things will feel and be better.

It helps me to start by saying to myself, “This is what is happening right now. How will I accept and make the best of it?” Because really, the idea that we have any control is an illusion, and I sometimes think that children were put on this earth to help teach some of us (me) this lesson!

It also helps to ask myself – sometimes moment to moment- “What is most important to do right now and what can wait?” Usually, by first calming myself, and then bringing full focus to each child in turn, I can find the way to proceed, and little by little, we move forward through the day together, in a more peaceful way than we might otherwise have.

A few other things that can help are: talking even briefly to someone who understands, and cultivating the ability to find and savor the small moments of joy and laughter that can occur on the worst of days.

For instance, we couldn’t go outside because of sickness and the rain on the day I described, but S. was restless, so I popped in a half hour kids yoga dvd, and we practiced the poses together while her brother watched us from his near by safe play area . The yoga dvd helped S. to burn off restless energy, and for some reason, the baby thought that we were just hilarious as we moved through the yoga poses, and was giggling away, which then made S. laugh, and me smile too.

It turns out while you can’t always control the circumstances, you can adjust your attitude and expectations and this can set a tone for the day- whatever it may bring. This may be one of the biggest challenges you face in caring for your children, but it may also bring the greatest rewards.