Month: January 2012

Growing, Changing, and Loss

I’ve been contemplating these words from Janet Lansbury for days now, as J., who will turn three years old in less than two weeks, has been growing in leaps and bounds right before our very eyes:

In regard to babies and loss…. Even if we never, ever leave our baby’s side, s/he will experience loss. Leaving the womb is “loss”. Anytime the child grows, accomplishes, becomes a little more independent, there is loss involved. Weaning and toilet learning are losses, even if the child leads the way. When the baby wants mommy and only daddy is available to her, that is loss. Loss is a natural, unavoidable part of life, even for babies. But babies aren’t “afraid” of it the way we might be… However, we can teach them to be. Crying is healing when it is supported by loving parents and caregivers. Babies learn something very empowering…”I’m okay”, or “Mommy comes back”.

I am always conscious of the fact that if I am doing my job as an infant/toddler caregiver well, it means that I am providing the baby with both the support and the freedom s/he needs to become ever more independent, but without pushing before the child is ready. Babies and toddlers grow and change so quickly, and even as adults (sometimes anxiously) look forward to “first times”, cheer new accomplishments, and celebrate developmental milestones and birthdays, both babies and adults sometimes struggle with the feelings of loss that inevitably accompany growth, change, and new achievements. While there can’t be growth without loss, I can’t help but feel that in order to truly embrace the “new” and the “now”, we need to acknowledge (not get stuck in, but just take a moment to contemplate and honor) what once was, what we are letting go of the baby that once was, the relationship that once was- and is now changing. If we can accept all of the sometimes conflicting emotions that come up (for both children and grown-ups) as we and they move through stages and ages, maybe we can move through them with a little more ease.

 

                                          If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies. ~Author Unknown

Monarch Butterfly female

At the end of last week, J. began attending a play based preschool program for three hours each morning (the same one his sister attended starting when she was 40 months old, and J. was just a newborn baby). He is so excited, proud, and happy to be going to what he calls “my school” (just  like his big sister). So far, his adjustment has been going smoothly. There have been a few tears in the morning when his Mom and Dad drop him off, but he quickly calms down and enthusiastically joins in the play. “I cried, because I didn’t want Mommy and Daddy to go. But only a little bit.”

When I arrive to pick J. up, I usually find him hanging from the monkey bars, and he’s eager to show me the new tricks he’s been practicing after he leaps into my arms for a hug. On our drive home, he is full of stories about what he did that day, and the fun he had with his “new best friend” C. It’s clear he’s so ready for this experience. His teachers have remarked on his “delightful sense of humor,” and his “impressive ability to communicate and express his wants, needs, and emotions clearly,”  both to them and his peers.

Yet, the very first day, although he played happily all morning, J. was a bit reluctant to allow the teachers to help him when it came time to change his diaper. He told them, “No fank (thank) you. I’m just going to wait for Lisa. She’ll come and take care of me, and change my diaper.” My eyes welled up with tears when I heard this story. Magda Gerber taught that caregiving times (diapering, feeding, bathing) are relationship building times. She urged adults to slow down and bring full focus and attention to the child during these times, and to include the baby fully in the process. When done Magda’s way, diaper changes are intimate, connected, “together”, enjoyable times between caregiver and baby.

As Janet Lansbury says in How to Love A Diaper Change, “Diapering is not just about getting a job done, or having a clean baby. Our hands are a baby’s introduction to the world. If they touch slowly, gently, and “ask” a child for cooperation rather than demand it, we are rewarded with a relationship bound in trust, respect and the inexorable knowledge of our importance to each other.” To me, J.’s response to his teacher spoke to the close, trusting relationship we had forged over three years of daily diaper changes.

Yesterday afternoon, J. accomplished another big milestone. While I was in the kitchen putting away the dishes, and his sister was in the living room reading a book, J. took it upon himself to use the small potty that’s been sitting in the bathroom since he’s been about two years old. He called to me to help him put his diaper back on after he’d finished pooping. Today, his Mom told me that he called to her at about five this morning, telling her he had to use the potty (despite the fact that he had already wet through his diaper in his sleep). He remained dry during his two hour nap time today though, and used the potty without any prompting from me when I helped undress him for his bath after we picked his sister up from school. It seems he is on his way to mastering toilet learning on his own terms.

Yet, last weekend, as his parents cleaned out the garage to prepare for a yard sale, J. enjoyed revisiting and playing with some of the baby toys he had long outgrown. I sat to watch him play for a bit, when suddenly he lifted his arms and asked me to pick him up. When I did, he said, “Lisa, I want to be a baby and a big boy too.” I nuzzled him and told him I understood.

I do understand, because even as I experience a feeling of joy as I watch J. confidently move into the wider world outside of the close circle of his family, while nonchalantly tackling the task of potty learning, I’ve found myself  feeling a little at loose ends this week. There is a slight sadness and sense of  nostalgia  for the baby boy and young toddler that I have spent the last three years helping to nurture to this place of confidence and independence. We still have a close bond and we share our afternoons together, but he needs me in a different way than he used to. I am missing J.’s company and our mornings together, with all the easy, intimate rhythms and routines we shared, even as I delight in watching him grow and spread his wings to become exactly who he is today, and I revel in the fact that I  have gained  fifteen free hours every week to devote to walking and yoga, writing, volunteering, wedding planning, and (finally!) staring a parent/infant class.

It can be bittersweet, this letting go and saying goodbye to what was, even as we make way for what’s becoming, can’t it?

 

 

 

Babies Are People Too! Let’s Make 2012 the “Year of The Baby”

What You Teach is Yourself.  Magda Gerber

 

 Baby and Godmother

This post is inspired by two of my greatest heroes, inspirations, and teachers; two amazing women who have touched and changed my life, my way of thinking, and my very way of being in the world, through their friendship and example, their words, their work, their very unique way of seeing babies and communicating their understanding and vision to others.

One of  these women is Magda Gerber who began introducing a simple but revolutionary idea to parents and caregivers in the United States through the organization (Resources For Infant Educarers or RIE) she founded in the 1970’s. Magda advocated for treating babies as whole and competent people from birth on. “We not only respect babies, we demonstrate our respect every time we interact with them. Respecting a child means treating even the youngest infant as a unique human being, not as an object.”

The other person is Janet Lansbury, who came to know Magda when she was a young mother herself, through participating in one of Magda’s parent infant classes with her first baby (who is now a young adult). Magda and Janet became very dear friends over the years, as Janet went on to continue to study with Magda, and to become a RIE Associate and serve on the RIE Board of Directors. Today, Janet is a skilled and experienced practitioner, teacher, and writer in her own right, and a champion for respectful caregiving and understanding of babies. Janet also has extreme compassion for parents and what a difficult job parenting can be, and she  shares unique, profound guidance and support with thousands who would never otherwise have access to Magda’s message, through her weekly blog posts and the use of social media.

In November, near the end of 2011, Janet’s post, The Secrets of Infant Learning was nominated  by another passionate advocate for young children, Teacher Tom, as Most Influential Post of the Year in the Edublog Awards, “a community based incentive started in 2004 in response to community concerns relating to how schools, districts and educational institutions were blocking access of learner and teacher blog sites for educational purposes. The purpose of the Edublog awards is to promote and demonstrate the educational values of these social media. The best aspects include that it creates a fabulous resource for educators to use for ideas on how social media is used in different contexts, with a range of different learners. It introduces us all to new sites that we might not have found if not for the awards process.”

In his nomination Tom said:

“Being a preschool teacher, I’m around a lot of newborns, not as their teacher, but hopefully their future teacher, as they come to school to drop off their older siblings. My standing joke had always been to look under their little blankies and say, “Come back to me when you can walk and talk, then we can be friends.” I’ve not said it since discovering parent educator Janet Lansbury’s self-named blog. Inspired by the work of Magda Gerber (for whom she is an important evangelist) Janet has changed my entire way of thinking about babies and very young children, giving me insight into the brilliance and competency of our youngest humans. It’s almost impossible to pick out one post to nominate in this category, nearly every one of them pierces into some core truth about young children and our relationships with them, but the one that had the most impact on me was The Secrets of Infant Learning. The video she shares of a baby scientist at work, and her careful observations, belies so many of my long held assumptions about infants that it’s like she’s opened a door to a whole new world. A close runner up for me is the post Don’t Cramp Your Toddlers Style — The Power of Trust in which a little girl inspires by just lying on a beach. Holy cow!”

Janet’s nomination and contribution was unique in that hers was the only one that represented and spoke to the  particular ways babies and toddlers learn, and the ways in which parents and caregivers can understand and honor these needs. The post ended up being voted third among the top five most influential posts of the year. Yea, Janet! Score one for babies and toddlers everywhere!

In her most recent post, Janet writes :

“Will 2012 be the Year of the Baby? I’m hoping, yes. Perhaps this will be the year that babies are finally acknowledged as uniquely capable, full-fledged people. Maybe parents and caregivers will realize that babies are born knowing something about their development and can be trusted to demonstrate readiness for developmental milestones by “doing them”.”

 

Today, on her facebook page Janet  hosted a lively conversation which began with a question from a parent. I believe parts of this conversation bear repeating here. The question from Candace: “Do you have any posts you wrote or bookmarked on constantly seeing adults mistreat children in the subtle “socially accepted” ways of our society? The arm jerk, the “Sit down and be quiet, don’t make me mad,”  kind of thing. It pains me so greatly now that I’ve had this paradigm shift to respectful and relationship-based parenting. I feel disturbed and even heartbroken when I’m out and about in shops or playgrounds, restaurants. I don’t particularly care about how they are caring for their children in terms of formula/breastfeeding, carriers, toys, attachment, sleeping arrangements, etc, but the lack of respect thing gets to me like nothing else!”

Lucinda replied: “I have been involved with early childhood education for 30 years. Some of the people we entrust our children to are also practicing this “socially acceptable” disrespect of children. It may not be the physical treatment, but verbal and non-verbal (ignoring, “evil eye”, etc.) My mission is to increase awareness, to create a way to bring this to the forefront… my website is under construction, but asks the question, “How do we want this world to be?”  We’ve got to take a close look at how we treat our children soon. They become the ones in charge, the ones to make choices. We need them to be healthy mentally as well as physically. We need them to know how to be in healthy relationship with others, how to work together, how to respect each other, how to care and understand, how to take another’s perspective. This does not come easy to someone who has not felt or experienced this as a young child!”

Janet’s response: “I think we have to keep talking, writing, sharing about this… Just the other day I read a post by a blogger I admire who mentioned in her opening paragraph that when our children become toddlers (and she meant 2 years old) we are finally dealing with a PERSON. What happened to those first couple of years???? I didn’t comment because I actually appreciated the rest of the article, but no one else mentioned it either, which made me realize that the idea of babies being “less than people” is totally acceptable! If babies aren’t people, why would we bother to treat them the way we would like to be treated? And there are many who don’t see children of any age as real people yet. We’ve got to change this societal perception…”

My two cents: Candace, I understand how difficult it is for you to see children treated in subtly disrespectful ways. Once your eyes have been opened to a new way of seeing and being with young children, there is no going back. (One of my pet peeves is when adults hold toddlers by their arms  instead of by their hands when walking with them. Not something that’s considered “abusive” by any means- some toddler teachers even do it, but it makes me cringe.)

A few months ago, I attended a school function with the six year old I’m a nanny for, and I witnessed a young mother roughly yank her baby (who was about a year old) by one arm, and shove him back into the carrier she was using to contain him. The baby had been clamoring to get down, and when she put him down, he started to toddle off, and she reprimanded him in a harsh tone three times before yanking him back into the carrier. (This was at an outdoor harvest festival.) I just stared at her. No one else around me even seemed to register what had just happened.

What I have learned, is that sometimes I can help both a parent and a child by speaking kindly to the parent, and/or offering a helping hand. Sometimes it’s not possible to do anything except to make eye contact with the child, and beam loving understanding. I know that sounds weird. Maybe it’s because I am always so aware of and tuned into the young children around me, but often, when I’m in public places young children seek me out, even if it’s only to make eye contact. I think it’s because babies and toddlers are so aware, but so often just ignored or overlooked in public- they really sense when someone is tuned in, and there is a communication that can happen, even without words.

I’m really careful to let the child make first contact and set the pace of the interaction, because the other injustice small children are subjected to in public is the patronizing, “Aww aren’t you cute? How old are you? Can I pat your head?” type of response. I don’t know what any of us can do about it, except what we’re doing… becoming aware, remaining aware, modeling for others, trying to raise awareness through talking, writing, sharing… It’s my dream, like Janet’s and Magda Gerber’s before her, and so many others like you, that together, we can make a difference for babies. The change has to come at a societal level as well as at an individual level. We really are in need of a “Year of The Baby!” It’s my reason for waking up and doing what I do every day.

It’s the beginning of  a new year. What do you hope for in this coming year for yourself, for your children, for our world, and the world our children will inherit?  Whatever you wish for, it will not come to be until we have achieved a paradigm shift at both the individual and societal level that  begins with respecting, understanding and treating  babies as unique individuals and whole people from the moment of their birth. Will you join me in spreading the word and making 2012 the “Year of The Baby?”  Together we can start a revolution. The time is now.

 

Does Baby Need a Gym Class?

Today, I’m sharing an exchange from my mailbox:

 

Dear Lisa,

I have been reading many of your articles on facebook, as well  as following many of the RIE principles of parenting. We try to  raise our son respectfully. We do not allow him to watch TV, and we  have many open-ended toys. We recently started classes at Gymboree. (I wanted him to have the opportunity to interact with other children his age.) I find that the environment is overstimulating and my son often sits back and watches, rather than participates. I should also say that he has not started to walk on his own, and that all of the other children have. I see that most of the other parents push their children to try things and often “force” them onto a slide, etc. I have not done this, as I want him to explore the environment himself. I”m just getting nervous because he acts very different from the other kids and I wonder if  I should be worried, or if I have just raised him differently than the others? My question is, do you know anything about these types of classes? Would you recommend I nudge him to try the activities there? I look forward to hearing your opinions.

Sincerely,  Sheryl

For example, why sit around for the welcome song when he could explore a tunnel?
This baby wants to explore in his own way.

Dear Sheryl,

Thank you for your note, and please forgive me for not responding sooner. With your permission, I’d like to reply to your question in a blog post, as yours is a question I receive frequently. I am very familiar with Gymboree classes, and generally find them to be overwhelming and overstimulating for most children under the age of four (and even for some adults!), but I do understand your desire to allow your son the opportunity to be around other children his own age. (I don’t know if you have a park nearby, but spending some time there on a daily basis can provide a wonderful chance for him to explore physically and interact with other children his age in a relaxed, informal way.)

I want to reassure you that you are doing well by your son by waiting patiently for him to be ready to try and accomplish things on his own, in his own time, and his own way.There is no need to “force” him to explore, as babies and toddlers always do exactly what they’re ready for. I know it can be hard not to question yourself when you see others doing things so differently. I want to encourage you to continue to listen to and respect your son’s pace, and to continue to follow your own instincts.

You don’t mention how old your son is, but there is a wide range of “normal” when it comes to achieving physical milestones. I would not nudge him at all, but allow him to enjoy the class completely on his own terms; to explore and interact as he wants to and is ready to. My guess is that he is following his own unique inner pace and dictates, not because something is wrong, but because you have raised him in a respectful, accepting atmosphere that encourages, allows, supports, and celebrates his authentic being! (Of course, if you have concerns about a significant developmental delay, I encourage you to check with your pediatrician.)

I want to share with you a post Suchada of Mama Eve Natural Parenting wrote about an eye-opening experience she had with her young son at the playground , because it speaks so beautifully to your question. I hope these thoughts will help you to feel confident in allowing your son to take his time to find his own way up the slide when he’s ready!  Suchada says in part:

“It was so hard to resist the temptation to help him…..

But if I had, I would have missed the opportunity to see what he could do. I would have missed an opportunity to let him discover his own capabilities. I would have missed an opportunity to show him I trust him to figure out the things that are important to him, in his life, in his moment.”

Please let me know how things are going. I’d love to hear from you again.

Warmly, Lisa

 

Dear Lisa,

I appreciate your reply, and figured you were probably very busy, as it is a hectic time of year. I appreciate the added reassurance from you. My son is 14 months old. He is definitely not delayed, just more laid back; he seems to prefer to sit back and take in all the action. It just gets trying to see all the other parents parenting in a way that is so drastically different from my own. We do have a local park that we sometimes visit. I’ve been thinking of going a bit more often and discontinuing our Gymboree classes, as I feel they’re overstimulating and too structured. You certainly have my permission to respond to my email via blog post, or republish it in any way. I enjoy reading your blogs and  facebook posts and find the information very informative and reassuring. Hope you have an enjoyable holiday season and a healthy, happy New Year to come!

Sincerely, Sheryl

 

Dear Sheryl,

I’m also wishing you a happy, healthy New Year, and continued joy in following your son’s lead and discovering who he is as he grows and learns! I’m wondering if you might be able to find one or two like minded Moms who have babies about the same age as your son, at the park, and then maybe you can you can get together every once in a while. It may help you to feel less alone, which is just as important as creating opportunities for your son to play and socialize at his own pace. Janet Lansbury offers five great tips for forming a safe and fun informal play group, when there aren’t any to be found nearby that feel comfortable for both you and your child. Finally, I leave you with this thought from Magda Gerber:

“It can be difficult to step back and let your child take the lead, but in this way you will observe and learn from him. You will discover with delight that your child has many inherent abilities that might have been missed if he had not been allowed to explore in his own way.”

As you seem to have discovered, there’s treasure to be found for both you and your son in sharing what Magda called “wants nothing” time together! Enjoy!

Warmly, Lisa