Lisa – Page 5 – Regarding Baby

Book Review: “Bringing Up Bebe”

Perhaps you’ve heard of former Wall Street Journal reporter Pamela Druckerman’s new memoir, Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting?

Written in a lively, engaging style, laced with many humorous anecdotes, and well researched, this is not a “how to”, so much as it is Druckerman’s finely observed account of how she finds herself married to a British man and living in Paris when their first child is born, ten years ago. (She’s since had two more children, and she and her family still reside in Paris.) In a hilarious scene that will ring all too true for many American parents of toddlers, she recounts how she and her husband decide to take a a brief summer “holiday” with their then 18 month old daughter (the holiday that makes them swear off “travel, joy, and ever having more kids”).

As she looks around, Druckerman notices that the Parisian parents dining with their toddlers of the same age don’t look stressed or hassled, and unlike her daughter, the Parisian toddlers are sitting happily in their highchairs eating “fish, and even vegetables.” She begins to wonder about the differences she’s observing. She says, “Before I had a child, I never paid attention to anyone else’s. And now I mostly look at my own. I can’t help but notice that there seems to be another way. But what exactly is it?” And so, we have the beginnings of the book, which has been given much attention and advanced promotion in the popular press in recent days.

The gist of the many articles/reviews I’ve read is that “French parenting” (and by extension French parents) is superior to American parenting because it results in babies who sleep through the night at three months of age, are quite well mannered and polite as toddlers, and have sophisticated tastes in food. While all of these things may be true, I think the focus is skewed.

The problem I find with the way the book is being promoted and reviewed is that (as usual) the media is focused on asking and answering the question, “Is French parenting superior to American parenting?” Does this ring any bells? Last year, it was Amy Chua’s book, Battle Hymn of The Tiger Mother, about Chinese Parenting that was the focus of the controversy. (I read that one too! ) However, framing the discussion in these terms misses the point, and while it is dubious as to whether it sells more books, what it does do is raise hackles, result in snap judgments, and add fuel to the tired old argument of who has dibs on the “the best way to parent.”

Many won’t even open the book because they’ve pre-judged it based on recent news coverage, and the argument will continue to rage on at a superficial level. This serves no one well. I think the question Druckerman begins with is a much more useful one to consider. Are there things we can learn from observing the way parents in another country raise their children that can inform our own quest to do well by our children, while allowing us to enjoy them (and parenting) more at the same time? If there are things to learn, what are they? Druckerman notes “nobody seems to like the relentless, unhappy pace of American parenting, least of all parents themselves.” She notices French parents seem less guilt and anxiety ridden , and they seem to enjoy their children more.

Druckerman states at the beginning that she doesn’t suffer from a pro-France bias, and when she says”French parents” she’s generalizing, because of course, everybody is different, and she’s comparing mostly educated middle and upper middle class French parents with their American counterparts. She also notes that France provides families with all kinds of public support services that make parenting more enjoyable and less stressful- things like universal (and free) health care, free preschool, and even monthly cash allotments for having children, yet she doesn’t think this fully explains the differences she notes. To her, it seems “the French have a whole different framework for raising kids.”

Druckerman concludes the first chapter of the book this way:” There are dozens of books offering Americans helpful theories on how to parent differently. I haven’t got a theory…. I’m starting with the outcome and working backward to figure out how the French got there. It turns out that to be a different kind of parent, you don’t just need a different parenting philosophy. You need a very different view of what a child actually is.”

As I read these words, I find myself cheering. This is exactly what I have come to believe, based not only on my experience, but on my studies with Magda Gerber (Hungarian, not French) who sought to revolutionize not just how parents and others care for and raise babies, but who believed this shift could not and would not come about through teaching or learning any particular “technique” or following any set of prescribed do’s and don’t’s, but through a fundamental change in the way we see and think about babies. My take on this: “If we change the way we think about babies, we change what we do, and if we change what we do, we change the outcomes we get. It’s as simple as that.”

So, my plea is for a more nuanced conversation. My hope is that people will read the book before judging and dismissing it, and that we can move beyond simplistic stereotyping, and arguments about whether the French, or the Chinese, or the Hungarians, or the Finns are “superior” parents, and instead talk about what we can learn from and share with each other that will lead to raising happy, healthy, well rounded, resilient, children and result in strong families.

(Note: It is rumored that many French babies sleep through the night starting at three to four months of age. Many who haven’t yet read Druckerman’s book believe this is because they are bottle fed, or left to cry without comfort. Nothing could be further from the truth. A hint to helping baby learn to sleep well from early on without “crying it out”: Combine a bit of science with sensitive observation and response. Most of all, begin with trust in a baby’s capabilities. Bringing Up Bebe is worth buying and reading just for the chapter on sleep.)

Growing, Changing, and Loss

I’ve been contemplating these words from Janet Lansbury for days now, as J., who will turn three years old in less than two weeks, has been growing in leaps and bounds right before our very eyes:

In regard to babies and loss…. Even if we never, ever leave our baby’s side, s/he will experience loss. Leaving the womb is “loss”. Anytime the child grows, accomplishes, becomes a little more independent, there is loss involved. Weaning and toilet learning are losses, even if the child leads the way. When the baby wants mommy and only daddy is available to her, that is loss. Loss is a natural, unavoidable part of life, even for babies. But babies aren’t “afraid” of it the way we might be… However, we can teach them to be. Crying is healing when it is supported by loving parents and caregivers. Babies learn something very empowering…”I’m okay”, or “Mommy comes back”.

I am always conscious of the fact that if I am doing my job as an infant/toddler caregiver well, it means that I am providing the baby with both the support and the freedom s/he needs to become ever more independent, but without pushing before the child is ready. Babies and toddlers grow and change so quickly, and even as adults (sometimes anxiously) look forward to “first times”, cheer new accomplishments, and celebrate developmental milestones and birthdays, both babies and adults sometimes struggle with the feelings of loss that inevitably accompany growth, change, and new achievements. While there can’t be growth without loss, I can’t help but feel that in order to truly embrace the “new” and the “now”, we need to acknowledge (not get stuck in, but just take a moment to contemplate and honor) what once was, what we are letting go of the baby that once was, the relationship that once was- and is now changing. If we can accept all of the sometimes conflicting emotions that come up (for both children and grown-ups) as we and they move through stages and ages, maybe we can move through them with a little more ease.

If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies. ~Author Unknown

At the end of last week, J. began attending a play based preschool program for three hours each morning (the same one his sister attended starting when she was 40 months old, and J. was just a newborn baby). He is so excited, proud, and happy to be going to what he calls “my school” (just like his big sister). So far, his adjustment has been going smoothly. There have been a few tears in the morning when his Mom and Dad drop him off, but he quickly calms down and enthusiastically joins in the play. “I cried, because I didn’t want Mommy and Daddy to go. But only a little bit.”

When I arrive to pick J. up, I usually find him hanging from the monkey bars, and he’s eager to show me the new tricks he’s been practicing after he leaps into my arms for a hug. On our drive home, he is full of stories about what he did that day, and the fun he had with his “new best friend” C. It’s clear he’s so ready for this experience. His teachers have remarked on his “delightful sense of humor,” and his “impressive ability to communicate and express his wants, needs, and emotions clearly,” both to them and his peers.

Yet, the very first day, although he played happily all morning, J. was a bit reluctant to allow the teachers to help him when it came time to change his diaper. He told them, “No fank (thank) you. I’m just going to wait for Lisa. She’ll come and take care of me, and change my diaper.” My eyes welled up with tears when I heard this story. Magda Gerber taught that caregiving times (diapering, feeding, bathing) are relationship building times. She urged adults to slow down and bring full focus and attention to the child during these times, and to include the baby fully in the process. When done Magda’s way, diaper changes are intimate, connected, “together”, enjoyable times between caregiver and baby.

As Janet Lansbury says in How to Love A Diaper Change, “Diapering is not just about getting a job done, or having a clean baby. Our hands are a baby’s introduction to the world. If they touch slowly, gently, and “ask” a child for cooperation rather than demand it, we are rewarded with a relationship bound in trust, respect and the inexorable knowledge of our importance to each other.” To me, J.’s response to his teacher spoke to the close, trusting relationship we had forged over three years of daily diaper changes.

Yesterday afternoon, J. accomplished another big milestone. While I was in the kitchen putting away the dishes, and his sister was in the living room reading a book, J. took it upon himself to use the small potty that’s been sitting in the bathroom since he’s been about two years old. He called to me to help him put his diaper back on after he’d finished pooping. Today, his Mom told me that he called to her at about five this morning, telling her he had to use the potty (despite the fact that he had already wet through his diaper in his sleep). He remained dry during his two hour nap time today though, and used the potty without any prompting from me when I helped undress him for his bath after we picked his sister up from school. It seems he is on his way to mastering toilet learning on his own terms.

Yet, last weekend, as his parents cleaned out the garage to prepare for a yard sale, J. enjoyed revisiting and playing with some of the baby toys he had long outgrown. I sat to watch him play for a bit, when suddenly he lifted his arms and asked me to pick him up. When I did, he said, “Lisa, I want to be a baby and a big boy too.” I nuzzled him and told him I understood.

I do understand, because even as I experience a feeling of joy as I watch J. confidently move into the wider world outside of the close circle of his family, while nonchalantly tackling the task of potty learning, I’ve found myself feeling a little at loose ends this week. There is a slight sadness and sense of nostalgia for the baby boy and young toddler that I have spent the last three years helping to nurture to this place of confidence and independence. We still have a close bond and we share our afternoons together, but he needs me in a different way than he used to. I am missing J.’s company and our mornings together, with all the easy, intimate rhythms and routines we shared, even as I delight in watching him grow and spread his wings to become exactly who he is today, and I revel in the fact that I have gained fifteen free hours every week to devote to walking and yoga, writing, volunteering, wedding planning, and (finally!) staring a parent/infant class.

It can be bittersweet, this letting go and saying goodbye to what was, even as we make way for what’s becoming, can’t it?

Babies Are People Too! Let’s Make 2012 the “Year of The Baby”

What You Teach is Yourself. Magda Gerber

This post is inspired by two of my greatest heroes, inspirations, and teachers; two amazing women who have touched and changed my life, my way of thinking, and my very way of being in the world, through their friendship and example, their words, their work, their very unique way of seeing babies and communicating their understanding and vision to others.

One of these women is Magda Gerber who began introducing a simple but revolutionary idea to parents and caregivers in the United States through the organization (Resources For Infant Educarers or RIE) she founded in the 1970’s. Magda advocated for treating babies as whole and competent people from birth on. “We not only respect babies, we demonstrate our respect every time we interact with them. Respecting a child means treating even the youngest infant as a unique human being, not as an object.”

The other person is Janet Lansbury, who came to know Magda when she was a young mother herself, through participating in one of Magda’s parent infant classes with her first baby (who is now a young adult). Magda and Janet became very dear friends over the years, as Janet went on to continue to study with Magda, and to become a RIE Associate and serve on the RIE Board of Directors. Today, Janet is a skilled and experienced practitioner, teacher, and writer in her own right, and a champion for respectful caregiving and understanding of babies. Janet also has extreme compassion for parents and what a difficult job parenting can be, and she shares unique, profound guidance and support with thousands who would never otherwise have access to Magda’s message, through her weekly blog posts and the use of social media.

In November, near the end of 2011, Janet’s post, The Secrets of Infant Learning was nominated by another passionate advocate for young children, Teacher Tom, as Most Influential Post of the Year in the Edublog Awards, “a community based incentive started in 2004 in response to community concerns relating to how schools, districts and educational institutions were blocking access of learner and teacher blog sites for educational purposes. The purpose of the Edublog awards is to promote and demonstrate the educational values of these social media. The best aspects include that it creates a fabulous resource for educators to use for ideas on how social media is used in different contexts, with a range of different learners. It introduces us all to new sites that we might not have found if not for the awards process.”

In his nomination Tom said:

“Being a preschool teacher, I’m around a lot of newborns, not as their teacher, but hopefully their future teacher, as they come to school to drop off their older siblings. My standing joke had always been to look under their little blankies and say, “Come back to me when you can walk and talk, then we can be friends.” I’ve not said it since discovering parent educator Janet Lansbury’s self-named blog. Inspired by the work of Magda Gerber (for whom she is an important evangelist) Janet has changed my entire way of thinking about babies and very young children, giving me insight into the brilliance and competency of our youngest humans. It’s almost impossible to pick out one post to nominate in this category, nearly every one of them pierces into some core truth about young children and our relationships with them, but the one that had the most impact on me was The Secrets of Infant Learning. The video she shares of a baby scientist at work, and her careful observations, belies so many of my long held assumptions about infants that it’s like she’s opened a door to a whole new world. A close runner up for me is the post Don’t Cramp Your Toddlers Style — The Power of Trust in which a little girl inspires by just lying on a beach. Holy cow!”

Janet’s nomination and contribution was unique in that hers was the only one that represented and spoke to the particular ways babies and toddlers learn, and the ways in which parents and caregivers can understand and honor these needs. The post ended up being voted third among the top five most influential posts of the year. Yea, Janet! Score one for babies and toddlers everywhere!

In her most recent post, Janet writes :

“Will 2012 be the Year of the Baby? I’m hoping, yes. Perhaps this will be the year that babies are finally acknowledged as uniquely capable, full-fledged people. Maybe parents and caregivers will realize that babies are born knowing something about their development and can be trusted to demonstrate readiness for developmental milestones by “doing them”.”

Today, on her facebook page Janet hosted a lively conversation which began with a question from a parent. I believe parts of this conversation bear repeating here. The question from Candace: “Do you have any posts you wrote or bookmarked on constantly seeing adults mistreat children in the subtle “socially accepted” ways of our society? The arm jerk, the “Sit down and be quiet, don’t make me mad,” kind of thing. It pains me so greatly now that I’ve had this paradigm shift to respectful and relationship-based parenting. I feel disturbed and even heartbroken when I’m out and about in shops or playgrounds, restaurants. I don’t particularly care about how they are caring for their children in terms of formula/breastfeeding, carriers, toys, attachment, sleeping arrangements, etc, but the lack of respect thing gets to me like nothing else!”

Lucinda replied: “I have been involved with early childhood education for 30 years. Some of the people we entrust our children to are also practicing this “socially acceptable” disrespect of children. It may not be the physical treatment, but verbal and non-verbal (ignoring, “evil eye”, etc.) My mission is to increase awareness, to create a way to bring this to the forefront… my website is under construction, but asks the question, “How do we want this world to be?” We’ve got to take a close look at how we treat our children soon. They become the ones in charge, the ones to make choices. We need them to be healthy mentally as well as physically. We need them to know how to be in healthy relationship with others, how to work together, how to respect each other, how to care and understand, how to take another’s perspective. This does not come easy to someone who has not felt or experienced this as a young child!”

Janet’s response: “I think we have to keep talking, writing, sharing about this… Just the other day I read a post by a blogger I admire who mentioned in her opening paragraph that when our children become toddlers (and she meant 2 years old) we are finally dealing with a PERSON. What happened to those first couple of years???? I didn’t comment because I actually appreciated the rest of the article, but no one else mentioned it either, which made me realize that the idea of babies being “less than people” is totally acceptable! If babies aren’t people, why would we bother to treat them the way we would like to be treated? And there are many who don’t see children of any age as real people yet. We’ve got to change this societal perception…”

My two cents: Candace, I understand how difficult it is for you to see children treated in subtly disrespectful ways. Once your eyes have been opened to a new way of seeing and being with young children, there is no going back. (One of my pet peeves is when adults hold toddlers by their arms instead of by their hands when walking with them. Not something that’s considered “abusive” by any means- some toddler teachers even do it, but it makes me cringe.)

A few months ago, I attended a school function with the six year old I’m a nanny for, and I witnessed a young mother roughly yank her baby (who was about a year old) by one arm, and shove him back into the carrier she was using to contain him. The baby had been clamoring to get down, and when she put him down, he started to toddle off, and she reprimanded him in a harsh tone three times before yanking him back into the carrier. (This was at an outdoor harvest festival.) I just stared at her. No one else around me even seemed to register what had just happened.

What I have learned, is that sometimes I can help both a parent and a child by speaking kindly to the parent, and/or offering a helping hand. Sometimes it’s not possible to do anything except to make eye contact with the child, and beam loving understanding. I know that sounds weird. Maybe it’s because I am always so aware of and tuned into the young children around me, but often, when I’m in public places young children seek me out, even if it’s only to make eye contact. I think it’s because babies and toddlers are so aware, but so often just ignored or overlooked in public- they really sense when someone is tuned in, and there is a communication that can happen, even without words.

I’m really careful to let the child make first contact and set the pace of the interaction, because the other injustice small children are subjected to in public is the patronizing, “Aww aren’t you cute? How old are you? Can I pat your head?” type of response. I don’t know what any of us can do about it, except what we’re doing… becoming aware, remaining aware, modeling for others, trying to raise awareness through talking, writing, sharing… It’s my dream, like Janet’s and Magda Gerber’s before her, and so many others like you, that together, we can make a difference for babies. The change has to come at a societal level as well as at an individual level. We really are in need of a “Year of The Baby!” It’s my reason for waking up and doing what I do every day.

It’s the beginning of a new year. What do you hope for in this coming year for yourself, for your children, for our world, and the world our children will inherit? Whatever you wish for, it will not come to be until we have achieved a paradigm shift at both the individual and societal level that begins with respecting, understanding and treating babies as unique individuals and whole people from the moment of their birth. Will you join me in spreading the word and making 2012 the “Year of The Baby?” Together we can start a revolution. The time is now.

Does Baby Need a Gym Class?

Today, I’m sharing an exchange from my mailbox:

Dear Lisa,

I have been reading many of your articles on facebook, as well as following many of the RIE principles of parenting. We try to raise our son respectfully. We do not allow him to watch TV, and we have many open-ended toys. We recently started classes at Gymboree. (I wanted him to have the opportunity to interact with other children his age.) I find that the environment is overstimulating and my son often sits back and watches, rather than participates. I should also say that he has not started to walk on his own, and that all of the other children have. I see that most of the other parents push their children to try things and often “force” them onto a slide, etc. I have not done this, as I want him to explore the environment himself. I”m just getting nervous because he acts very different from the other kids and I wonder if I should be worried, or if I have just raised him differently than the others? My question is, do you know anything about these types of classes? Would you recommend I nudge him to try the activities there? I look forward to hearing your opinions.

Sincerely, Sheryl

For example, why sit around for the welcome song when he could explore a tunnel? — This baby wants to explore in his own way.

Dear Sheryl,

Thank you for your note, and please forgive me for not responding sooner. With your permission, I’d like to reply to your question in a blog post, as yours is a question I receive frequently. I am very familiar with Gymboree classes, and generally find them to be overwhelming and overstimulating for most children under the age of four (and even for some adults!), but I do understand your desire to allow your son the opportunity to be around other children his own age. (I don’t know if you have a park nearby, but spending some time there on a daily basis can provide a wonderful chance for him to explore physically and interact with other children his age in a relaxed, informal way.)

I want to reassure you that you are doing well by your son by waiting patiently for him to be ready to try and accomplish things on his own, in his own time, and his own way.There is no need to “force” him to explore, as babies and toddlers always do exactly what they’re ready for. I know it can be hard not to question yourself when you see others doing things so differently. I want to encourage you to continue to listen to and respect your son’s pace, and to continue to follow your own instincts.

You don’t mention how old your son is, but there is a wide range of “normal” when it comes to achieving physical milestones. I would not nudge him at all, but allow him to enjoy the class completely on his own terms; to explore and interact as he wants to and is ready to. My guess is that he is following his own unique inner pace and dictates, not because something is wrong, but because you have raised him in a respectful, accepting atmosphere that encourages, allows, supports, and celebrates his authentic being! (Of course, if you have concerns about a significant developmental delay, I encourage you to check with your pediatrician.)

I want to share with you a post Suchada of Mama Eve Natural Parenting wrote about an eye-opening experience she had with her young son at the playground , because it speaks so beautifully to your question. I hope these thoughts will help you to feel confident in allowing your son to take his time to find his own way up the slide when he’s ready! Suchada says in part:

“It was so hard to resist the temptation to help him…..

But if I had, I would have missed the opportunity to see what he could do. I would have missed an opportunity to let him discover his own capabilities. I would have missed an opportunity to show him I trust him to figure out the things that are important to him, in his life, in his moment.”

Please let me know how things are going. I’d love to hear from you again.

Warmly, Lisa

Dear Lisa,

I appreciate your reply, and figured you were probably very busy, as it is a hectic time of year. I appreciate the added reassurance from you. My son is 14 months old. He is definitely not delayed, just more laid back; he seems to prefer to sit back and take in all the action. It just gets trying to see all the other parents parenting in a way that is so drastically different from my own. We do have a local park that we sometimes visit. I’ve been thinking of going a bit more often and discontinuing our Gymboree classes, as I feel they’re overstimulating and too structured. You certainly have my permission to respond to my email via blog post, or republish it in any way. I enjoy reading your blogs and facebook posts and find the information very informative and reassuring. Hope you have an enjoyable holiday season and a healthy, happy New Year to come!

Sincerely, Sheryl

Dear Sheryl,

I’m also wishing you a happy, healthy New Year, and continued joy in following your son’s lead and discovering who he is as he grows and learns! I’m wondering if you might be able to find one or two like minded Moms who have babies about the same age as your son, at the park, and then maybe you can you can get together every once in a while. It may help you to feel less alone, which is just as important as creating opportunities for your son to play and socialize at his own pace. Janet Lansbury offers five great tips for forming a safe and fun informal play group, when there aren’t any to be found nearby that feel comfortable for both you and your child. Finally, I leave you with this thought from Magda Gerber:

“It can be difficult to step back and let your child take the lead, but in this way you will observe and learn from him. You will discover with delight that your child has many inherent abilities that might have been missed if he had not been allowed to explore in his own way.”

As you seem to have discovered, there’s treasure to be found for both you and your son in sharing what Magda called “wants nothing” time together! Enjoy!

Warmly, Lisa

Babies and Crying: What’s a parent to do?

“Crying must be responded to. But how is a more complicated issue. To follow the advice, “do not let your baby cry,” is practically impossible. At times the harder a mother or father tries to stop the baby’s crying, the more anxious everyone becomes.” Magda Gerber

In The Dangers Of “Crying It Out“, published this week in Psychology Today, psychologist Darcia Narvaez argues not only should babies never be left to cry for any reason, but in fact, parents have an obligation to parent in a way that will prevent any crying at all, lest the baby suffer a whole host of emotional and physical repercussions, including brain damage.

She argues that it’s not normal for babies to cry: “A crying baby in our ancestral environment would have signaled predators to tasty morsels. So our evolved parenting practices alleviated baby distress and precluded crying except in emergencies. Babies are built to expect the equivalent of an “external womb” after birth. What is the external womb? —being held constantly, breastfed on demand, needs met quickly. These practices are known to facilitate good brain and body development. When babies display discomfort, it signals that a need is not getting met, a need of their rapidly growing systems.”

Reading the article, I found myself asking “Really, Doctor Narvaez?”

Apparently Narvaez is not familiar with the period of Purple Crying, which is an evidence-based infant abuse prevention program which aims to educate parents about normal infant crying and its relation as a trigger for abuse. Purple refers not to the color the baby turns when he or she cries, but to:

P–Peak of crying. The worst crying tends of occur around 2 months of age and decline from 3-5 months.

U–Unexpected. The crying often comes on and stops for no apparent reason.

R–Resists soothing. The baby is often difficult to soothe.

P–Pain-like face. The baby may appear to be in pain even if they are not.

L–Long-lasting. The crying may go on for several hours a day.

E–Evening. The baby often cries more in the late afternoon or evening.

The goal of the Click For Babies project which is being organized by the National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome (NCSBS) is to help parents understand that frequent and sometimes intense crying is often normal in the first few months of life, and does not necessarily mean anything is wrong with the baby, nor does it mean the parent is inadequate or doing anything wrong if they aren’t able to stop their baby from crying. The hope is that by educating parents about this common developmental stage, many may be helped to learn to respond sensitively, while preventing cases of Shaken Baby Syndrome, which occur more commonly when babies are especially fussy.

Doctor Heather Wittenberg, “The Baby Shrink” (and mother of four), was similarly outraged by the polarizing tone and misinformation in Narvaez’s article, and she wrote a short, but pointed response, in which she concluded:

“The fact is, there is no evidence whatsoever that occasional CIO in typically developing babies causes any damage. PERIOD. More importantly, there IS evidence that severely sleep-deprived mothers are at much higher risk of developing an already common –and dangerous — condition: postpartum depression. And PPD certainly CAN lead to long-term damage to both baby — and the entire family. CIO is a method that, when implemented thoughtfully, can often lead to improved sleep (and health and happiness) for everyone.”

Janet Lansbury posted Dr. Heather’s response to the Psychology Today article on her Facebook page, prefacing it with a note that asked: “What do you think?” Within a few hours 58 responses had been logged, which speaks to the very strong feelings aroused when people hear the words baby and crying (or “crying it out”) in the same sentence. Dr. Heather received an equally overwhelming and intense response on her site, and some of the responses were barely civil. It seems this is a conversation that needs to continue to happen. There is so much emotion, judgment, misinformation, and misunderstanding around this issue, and that’s not good for parents or babies. Also, the question of how to respond to a baby’s cries goes right to the core of how we view babies, and how sensitively and respectfully we care for them.

Janet Lansbury has written eloquently on the topic on numerous occasions, most recently in 7 Reasons To Calm Down About Babies Crying where she says: “When babies cry, our job is to tune in, provide help, love and support as needed, but not necessarily stop the crying.”

The number one question and concern new parents have is this one: “Why does my baby cry? What’s the best way to respond when s/he cries?” I also have parents come to me who are beyond exhausted, and desperate for some sleep (when their babies are a year old or 15 months old, and still waking many times a night), but fear they will somehow be harming their baby if they allow so much as a whimper. What’s a parent to do?

One of the responses to this discussion was penned by Carla Prosch, who is an early childhood professional currently working as a nanny for two families in Seattle Washington, and is herself the mother of two children. Her response was so thoughtful, and so closely mirrors my own progression of thinking, feeling, and understanding about babies and crying, that I asked her if (and she graciously agreed) I might share her words here:

“I really appreciate the dialogue going on here because I find it all very fascinating. It seems that it would be so much easier if there was ONE WAY to handle all situations with all children at each developmental stage. Imagine if there was only one book to be used and we all took that book home in our diaper bags when we left the hospital. That would be too easy (and probably kind of boring).

A few months ago I wrote some thoughts about babies and crying and had decided that I had many more thoughts to include. I recently realized that when I have worked with babies and toddlers in a group care situation, I have to fight against a deep ingrained (belief? feeling? cultural norm?) that I have learned. This subtle belief that I have is that when babies/toddlers are crying, it’s my job to get them to stop (I don’t really believe that, but I think I FEEL that deep down, subconsciously). Or, perhaps to even prevent the crying from happening in the first place! If they continue to cry, I must not be doing my job well (subconscious feeling, I don’t truly believe this). Now here’s the switch (a truth for me) – when babies cry, it’s my job to figure out why and to support them in whatever way is necessary while they cry for as long as they need. I believe in observing them and then sensitively responding to them.

Think of it this way; imagine the director of a program is walking through your classroom with a tour of prospective parents. If the children in the room are actively engaged and relatively calm, as a teacher it feels very different than if the children are actively engaged in other ways that are not so calm, grabbing a toy from somebody, crying because a limit was set (typical, developmentally appropriate infant/toddler behaviors). There seems to be so much more “stuff” that has to be explained in the second scenario. You usually don’t hear something like this from the first scenario, “Parents, I know what you are observing now is something that might feel a little uncomfortable to you, the children are actively engaged and calm. That’s because the teachers in this room have set up a stimulating environment and are keenly observing the children to support them as they play.” Both scenarios happen and to me, both scenarios are healthy but scenario #1 is always easier to feel confident about. I think a lot of that has been learned within our culture.

So that is my recent personal journey about crying in general. What about CIO? I think, as we all know, there are many different ways to approach situations with children. What matters most is that each of us can make informed, thoughtful, intentional decisions based upon multiple factors within each family (the child’s temperament, family culture, the level of support families are receiving, etc). I believe in four key goals: 1) Striving to build a caring community of loving support with one another, 2) Sharing our thoughts and feelings with each other genuinely and authentically, 3) Being heard without judgment, and 4) Respectfully agreeing to disagree when necessary.

What is very important to me is empowering families to make each choice for their own child, realizing that they are the only true expert on their child. Nobody will ever know a baby as well as the mother and/or father know him/her. And in the end, when our children are grown and we look back on the personal choices we made, we will (hopefully) know that each choice was made in the spirit of good intention and genuine thoughtfulness.

Looking back at choices my husband and I made together, we realize now many things that we would have done differently because of experiences we have had as we have gotten older. However, we are confident that we did the best we knew how to do at that given moment in time with the very best intentions (adding into this equation – imperfect humanness). We did not do CIO with our two children (now 13 years and 8 years old), but if we were to do it over, we would definitely choose to use the CIO approach, as appropriate, while observing our children in the process.

I say all of this not from a place of knowing but from a place of “this is where I am right now”. The topic of crying really stirs up a lot of discussion in people.”

And now, it is your turn. What are your thoughts on babies and crying?

A Moment In Time

Endless lists of things to do, an avalanche of unanswered e-mail and phone calls, piles of dirty laundry, and a sink full of dirty dishes, not to mention dust bunnies so big I wouldn’t be able to distinguish them from the cat if she wasn’t so loud and insistent on receiving her fair share of attention. (At least the dust bunnies are quiet.) Long days with children and lots of late nights trying to do everything else I want to and need to. And please don’t even mention the shopping, and the decorating, and the baking, and the card writing that I haven’t started to do, with the holidays being – yikes– less than two weeks away. There’s no “me” time in there anywhere. In fact, it doesn’t feel like there is time to take a breath most days. I’ve been feeling tired, irritable, and overwhelmed.(Does this sound familiar to anyone? ) And yet….

391907_10150390643456261_537661260_8805204_843539267_n (1) — He leads. I follow.

Today there was this: The sun was shining, and the air was crisp. He was on his trike, riding ahead of me. I followed behind on foot, my mind a million miles away. We were on our way to pick his sister up from school. As he pedaled, he exclaimed over the Christmas bulbs some of the neighbors had hung on the branches of their bushes. He stopped, and pointed to to a large maple tree in a yard across the street, and asked, “Lisa, why doesn’t that tree have any leaves on it anymore?” “Because the leaves fall from the tree in the winter, and grow back again in the spring,” I answered. “Oh! That’s why!” And he was off again. Suddenly he burst into song at the top of his lungs. “It’s A Small World After All.” Completely immersed in song, in the moment, unaware that his energy, his song, his pure joy in being, had pulled me into the moment with him. I found myself grinning, and I wasn’t the only one.

A Mom who was getting out of her car stopped for a moment, and watched him, and when she caught my eye, I saw she was grinning too. And then a Dad. And another Mom, and a Grandma. We all slowed down, following him like he was the pied piper, sharing smiles with each other, until we got to the “big” crosswalk that leads across the street to the school. The one manned by the kind, but gruff school crossing guard. We all stopped to wait for the light to turn, while J. continued his song. I saw the guard’s face soften and I do believe his eyes twinkled. As we crossed the street, someone said “I feel like I’m in a parade,” and when we got to the other side, someone else thanked J. for “singing” us across. It was truly a magical moment in an ordinary day, and I found myself feeling refreshed and renewed.

Once again, it was a small child who reminded me that slowing down, observing, and being present in the moment is not just a gift we can give to the little people in our lives, but one we can give to ourselves too, by following their lead.

“Slow down and enjoy life. It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast – you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.” Eddie Cantor

What moments have you enjoyed with your children today?

Toilet Learning Made Easy

“Learning to use the toilet is a process that takes time. Rather than push or manipulate your child by giving him treats such as candy or a special reward for something that he will learn to do on his own, trust that he will learn when he is ready. Respect is based on trust.” – Magda Gerber

potty training? — “Potty training? He is more fond of wearing the potty seat than sitting on it.”

Maybe you’ve heard the old adage,”You can lead a toddler to the potty but you can’t make him use it (until he’s ready).” During workshops for parents and toddler teachers I love to read the story, The Princess and the Potty by Wendy Cheyette Lewison, about a little princess who won’t use her potty,”because it doesn’t please her.” The king and queen are not happy with this and are a bit beside themselves as they worry about what their neighbors in the kingdom next door will say. They go out of their way to find a potty that will please the princess, to no avail. The princess simply has better things to do. So the king and queen try other tactics like reading to the princess, sending her teddy bear to keep her company, in fact, sending the whole court to keep her company, and even sitting on the potties themselves to show the princess what fun it is. Finally, not knowing what else to do, the king and queen send for the royal wise man to get his advice.

“If you ask me,” said the royal wise man, “the princess will use the potty when it pleases her to use the potty.”

But alas and alack, not even the royal wise man can predict when that time might come. So the king and queen wait and wait, until finally, one day the queen is dressing for a royal ball, and her daughter notices the beautiful pantalettes her mother is wearing and she decides the pantalettes please her. Of course, the queen, being the good Mom that she is, takes her little girl shopping the very next day to allow her to choose her own pantalettes, and the princess is so pleased, she wears the new panties home, and all through playtime, and snack time- when suddenly– the princess can’t sit still. The king and queen yell to the royal chambermaid that the princess needs her royal diaper, except the princess doesn’t want her royal diaper because that means she will have to take off her pretty new pantalettes, and this she doesn’t want to do, so she calls for her potty. While the royal servants run to get every potty in the castle, the princess takes matters into her own hands and runs to the plain potty, because it is the nearest, and that, in the end, is the potty that pleases the princess.

Like with sitting, standing, walking, and other accomplishments that involve a baby’s mastery over his body movements, when it comes to learning to use the toilet, the way loving adults can be most helpful is to provide an optimal environment, and then wait patiently for baby to be ready, and indicate her desire and willingness to participate in the process. The toilet learning process can sometimes cause parents needless worry and anxiety, and can feel endless to parents who are tired of changing diapers, or who are worried their child won’t be accepted at preschool unless she is toilet trained. (A good childcare center or preschool won’t require a child under the age of four to be potty trained, and I always advise parents to seek alternate care arrangements, if at all possible, should they encounter a program that requires potty mastery by the age of three.)

So what can you expect?

There is a wide range of normal, and while some toddlers may learn a bit earlier or later, the average child will reliably use the potty during the day somewhere between the ages of two and three years old, and will consistently stay dry at night somewhere between two and a half to five years old. Some children may happily and willingly use the toilet for a period of time, then decide they aren’t interested for awhile. This is perfectly acceptable, and it’s best if you can meet your child’s disinterest with a calm, matter of fact, “If you don’t want to/aren’t ready to use the potty, you may use a diaper.When you’re ready to try the potty again, let me know.” Learning to use the toilet is a complex process which requires a child to listen to his body signals, control his body, and understand the process, and what is expected and accepted. It involves physical readiness, or the ability to control the muscles that hold in bladder and bowel movements, cognitive readiness, or the ability to understand what is expected of him, and emotional readiness- this is all about holding on, letting go, and conforming to grown- up standards. It’s about who is in control, and in this case, it’s your child!

“Parents lay the groundwork for the child’s readiness when, beginning at birth, we make diaper changes an enjoyable, cooperative time together, and respect the baby by slowing down and talking him through each part of the process.” Janet Lansbury

If you expect and accept that it will take time for your child to master this new skill, it can go a long way towards helping your child to “go with the flow,” so to speak. Stock up on training pants, be prepared for extra laundry, know where all the public rest rooms in town are, (because children can’t wait long when they are just learning, and inevitably, they will have to use the toilet fifteen minutes after you’ve left the house). Carry extra underwear, wipes, and a change of clothes with you at all times. Some parents even choose to carry a portable potty chair with them on long trips. If an accident happens, try to remain calm, matter of fact, and supportive. “Your pants are wet. Can I help you get cleaned up and into dry clothes?” “Accidents happen sometimes when you’re just learning to use the potty.You tried really hard to get to the potty on time. Next time, you’ll be able to do it.”

How do you know if it might be the right time to start the process with your child?

First, there should be no other big changes happening at home. It’s usually best not to start the process if a new baby has just arrived, you are moving in two weeks, or your child has just started childcare. Changes in the family, or stress can make the process more difficult and prolonged than it has to be. Summer time can be a great time to start, because family schedules are often more relaxed, and children can be allowed to run around naked or just in underwear at home, which helps them become very aware of what’s happening with their bodies (in a way they don’t when they are wearing super absorbent diapers or pull ups). If your child is in childcare or you have a caregiver at home, it’s a good idea for you all to have a discussion and maintain clear communication, to make sure you’re all on the same page and using a consistent approach and language when it comes to to toilet learning. (I’ll never forget the time when I was a new teacher’s aide, and one little girl, who was very soft spoken, and about five years old, tried urgently to communicate she had to use the bathroom, by whispering to me she had to “make.” I had never heard the expression before, and while I was trying to figure out what she was saying, she had an accident. She was mortified, and I felt so bad for not being able to understand and help her when she needed me to.)

Your child may indicate readiness to start potty learning when s/he:

1) Stays dry for 2-3 hours at a time or wakes up from a nap with a dry diaper.

2) Shows increased awareness of bodily functions- she may move to a quiet or private spot to have a bowel movement, for instance.

3) Tells you she has peed or pooped in her diaper.

4) Dislikes staying in wet or soiled diapers.

5) Shows interest in wanting to sit on a toilet or potty chair or expresses a desire to wear underwear.

6) Is able to follow two step instructions.

7) Is able to pull pants up and down easily.

Besides being prepared by knowing what to expect, watching for signs of readiness, and relaxing and trusting that your child won’t go to kindergarten in diapers, you can encourage your toddler’s interest and support her learning by:

1) Bringing your child’s awareness to what’s happening with his body and how he might know he may need to stop playing and go to the toilet. Use correct terms for body parts and body functions, and maintain a neutral tone. If your child is showing readiness, and you notice him pressing his legs together or dancing about, you can say, “It looks like you might have to go to the bathroom. Do you want to use your potty chair?”

2) Being a good model. Show your toddler how you use the toilet. Most toddlers become fascinated with the toilet and what happens there, long before they’re ready to use it themselves.

3) If your child is expressing that they don’t like to have their diapers changed, or they don’t like to sit in a wet diaper, you can offer, as I have been with 34 month old J. as of late, “You don’t like feeling wet and cold. You don’t like to get your diaper changed. If you wanted to, you could put your pee in the potty, and then you wouldn’t have to have your diaper changed.” So far, he says “Not yet, Lisa. Maybe later,” which I completely accept. But in the past three weeks he has started to ask to sit on his potty when his six year old sister goes to the bathroom. He’s had several successes, and he’s just so proud. Last week he came running to show me he “peed in the potty just like the boy in the book!” Beware insisting upon or cajoling your child to sit on the potty if it’s not her idea. You may offer at natural times, for instance, when your child is preparing for a bath, but if she says “No,” let it be “No.” Let him “practice” in his own way. Some children like to sit on the potty fully clothed for many months before ever taking off their diapers.

4) Dress for success. Pants with elastic waists are best for both girls and boys- easy for them to pull up and down by themselves. No dresses to get in the way, no buttons, snaps, belts, overalls, etc.

4) Read a book with your child about using the toilet. Two of my favorites: Once Upon A Potty by Alona Frankel, and Going To The Potty (First Experiences), by Fred Rogers.

5) Let him choose his very own potty chair. Potty chairs are great, because they let your child sit with his feet firmly planted on the floor, which assists in bowel movements. They also allow your child to be in charge of their process- I’ve never known a child who didn’t love to participate in pouring the contents of their potty into the toilet, then wave goodbye and flush it away. (Remember, young children are sometimes very attached to their bodily fluids. Children are not born with any negative associations when it comes to bodily functions, they are taught to think that urine and feces are “yukky” or “stinky” or “disgusting” or somehow shameful.) Some children are afraid of sitting on the toilet with it’s big gaping hole, even if a child size seat is installed. If you are going to use one of the seats that sits on the top of the regular toilet, make sure you place a step stool beneath your child’s feet so she can climb up by herself and her legs aren’t dangling when she sits.

6) Let him choose training or underpants. My feeling is that pull ups give a mixed message, and don’t help a child learn, because they are too much like a diaper, yet, some parents feel they can’t do without them- they like that their child can pull them up and down like underwear, and it saves on wet clothes, and laundry. I’d prefer a child wear training pants or a diaper, if at all possible.

7) Remember, this process is your child’s. You can’t do it for her. You can’t hurry her along. Time and maturation can make the process a painless one (for both of you) if you allow it to be so. The natural reward for your child is the mastery she feels at accomplishing a new skill and body control.

For those of you who have asked me for information and my opinion about elimination communication, I will refer you to an excellent discussion at Janet Lansbury’s community forum, where I, and others weigh in with our ideas and experiences on the topic.

There you go, my best advice when it comes to potty learning. Have I missed anything?

What To Say Instead Of “NO!” – Six Ways To Gain Your Child’s Co-operation

Did you know? The average one year old hears the word “no” an unbelievable 400 times a day!

The problem with the word “No” is this: when it’s used too often, toddlers tend to tune it out after awhile.”No” alone doesn’t help your toddler learn what to do instead. Also, saying “No!” in a louder and louder voice (as you may be tempted to do when your toddler all but ignores you the first five times you say it), is not going to help him hear and heed your message any better. It may just lead to frustration for both of you. I advise saving “No” for emergencies, like when your child is in immediate danger. You can be sure your child will stop and notice when you use the word only in rare instances.

In “We Don’t Want To Spank,” Janet Lansbury emphasizes the importance of creating a safe play area within your home – a place just for your child, that has few restrictions, and is all about YES! The fact remains, when you are parenting a toddler, there are times when you will have to say “No.” So, what can you say instead, to get your point across and make it possible for your toddler to co-operate more readily with you?

Here are six ideas:

1) Rephrase your request in a positive way: Instead of saying, “No, don’t run,” try, “Please walk inside.” Instead of “No, don’t touch!” try, “You want to touch the lamp, but it might fall and break. Please just look with your eyes.” Instead of, “No, don’t touch the cat,” try, “Please remember to touch the cat gently.” (You may have to stay close to demonstrate gentle touches.)

2) Let your child know what he may do instead of telling him what he can’t do: Instead of, “No, you can’t have a cookie now,” try saying, “You may have a cookie after dinner. If you are hungry now, you may have fruit or a piece of cheese.” Instead of, “No climbing on the furniture,” try, “The chair is for sitting in. If you’d like to climb, you may climb here (showing him). “Instead of , “No, we can’t go to the playground because it’s raining,” try saying, ” I know how much you love to play outside. We can go out as soon as the rain stops. Would you like to read a story or build with your blocks while we wait for the rain to stop?” Instead of , “No! No throwing balls indoors,” try saying, “You can roll the ball indoors or take it outside and throw it. What’s your choice?”

3) Ask for your child’s help and thank him when he gets it right: Instead of, “No! I told you not to take your shoes off because we’re getting ready to go,” try saying, “You need your shoes on to go outside. Please help me find them so we can get ready to go.” Instead of, “No more playing for you. I’m not going to ask you to pick up your toys again,” try, “Thank you for helping me to clean up all the toys!” Instead of, “I said no yelling!” try lowering your own voice and saying, “Thank you for remembering to speak softly while your baby sister is sleeping.”

4) Explain the reason for your request, and state what behavior you want to see instead: Instead of saying, “No, don’t________ ,” try stating, “I want you to_____________ because__________.“ “No, don’t throw the sand,” becomes, “I want you to keep the sand low in the sandbox, so it doesn’t get in anyone’s eyes, because that might hurt.” “No, don’t bang on the table,” becomes, “I want you to stop banging on the table because the sound it makes is loud, and it’s hurting my ears.”

5) Use “sportscasting” to say what you see: Instead of saying, “No throwing food!” try saying, “You’re throwing your food. That tells me you’re done eating, so I am going to put the food away now.” Instead of “No splashing in the cat’s water bowl,” try saying, “You are playing in the cat’s water bowl, and splashing water all over the floor. That water is for the cat to drink. If you want to play in water, let’s fill the tub with water.”

6) If your child is hitting, kicking, or biting: Instead of saying, “No hitting/kicking/biting!” try saying, “Hitting/kicking/biting hurts! I won’t let you hit/kick/bite me. If you want to hit/kick/bite, you may hit the floor (or these pillows)/kick this ball/bite this teething ring.”

When you take the time to talk with your child in the respectful, positive ways above, explaining the reasons for your requests, offering choices, modeling the behavior that you want to teach, and bringing your child’s awareness to the impact his actions have on other people, you are including him in the learning process, and guiding him to become self aware and self regulating in his behavior. This is the true goal of discipline; to help your child to become disciplined from within and learn to make good choices, instead of dependent on someone else to tell him what is right or wrong.

Tell me, have you found other ways to gain your toddler’s co-operation without resorting to saying no over and over? I’d love it if you’d share.

What Is Play?

In response to All They Need Is Play, Julie asks- “How to define play? I’ve always heard children learn through self-play, but I don’t know exactly what play is? Is it referring to letting my child stomp in the mud, or going to the playground? Could you please give me some examples on how to play with my child?

“Play is the answer to how anything new comes about.” Jean Piaget

Julie, What a great question! You are on the right track! Play can be letting your child stomp in a mud puddle, or climbing at the park. But even before children reach the age where they can stomp in mud puddles, they can (and do!) engage in self directed play. Here is my definition of play: Play is the way children learn about themselves, the people around them, the world they live in, and how things work in their world. Play is the way children naturally explore, and the way they gain and practice skills they will use for their whole lives. BUT play is not done to attain any reward, or end goal. Children gain pleasure from engaging in play, and this reinforces their desire to play some more.

Play is any behavior that is freely chosen, personally directed, and intrinsically motivated. What do I mean by this? Ideally, your child chooses when, with what, and how to play, and is allowed to play with as little interference or direction as possible (with consideration for the safety of self and others) for as long as possible. Maybe because she lived in Los Angeles, the movie capital of the world (or at least the United States), Magda Gerber often encouraged adults to think of a child’s play like the making of a movie, and she advised allowing the child to be the main scriptwriter, director, and actor.

“Be careful what you teach. It might interfere with what they are learning.” Magda Gerber

Play is a process of trial and error, and there is no right or wrong. Children are literally inventing the world anew when they play. Well meaning, loving adults can interfere with the process, by telling or showing a child how to play. For instance, if you teach your child how to use a paintbrush, it’s not the same as putting out the brush, and just letting her figure it out.

You might ask,”What’s wrong with showing my child how to correctly use a paintbrush?” Well, it shortcuts her exploration thus limiting her creativity, and if she is often shown how to play ‘correctly’ it may eventually erode her trust in herself, her desire to be an active explorer, and her willingness and ability to work things out by herself. Children quickly come to look to adults to show them or tell them the right way to play and even to do it for them.

Here’s an example: Playdough is a material that offers an endless number of possibilities for discovery and creation. If you hand a two and a half year old a container of playdough and nothing else, and you sit back and watch, he will happily play with it for a long time, poking, twisting, rolling, pounding, etc. Eventually, after having the opportunity to explore the dough in this way over the course of many weeks or months, he will begin to make things with the dough. But if you jump in and start showing him how to make play dough animals, he’ll quickly lose interest in his own exploration. Since he hasn’t reached the stage of being able to make animals by himself he will ask you to make animals for him. Now who is playing? Not your child! Can we trust children to learn from their own play if we don’t make things clear and explicit for them? I think so.

“When you teach a child something you take away forever his chance of discovering it for himself.” Jean Piaget

So what is your role as a parent or teacher of young children? The adult role is to create an environment that invites play and allows the child to explore and experiment within that environment to his heart’s content, without showing him how it’s supposed to be done. This leaves your child in control, and preserves his natural, inborn desire and ability (intrinsic motivation- from within) to play. When your child plays, he is not only learning, he is learning how to learn!

To me, there is nothing more exciting than watching a baby as she discovers for herself how something works for the very first time. What is obvious to us, is not always so obvious to a baby. For instance, one of the play objects I use in class is an empty 10 gallon water bottle with a narrow opening at the top. I place a basket of wooden pegs of varying thickness nearby. It doesn’t take long for most young toddlers to discover the pegs and experiment with dropping them into the water bottle, but figuring out how to get the pegs back out of the bottle is another thing entirely. This is a “problem’ that takes most children a long time to solve if shows them how to do it, and most children will happily explore different ways of solving the problem for long periods of time without becoming frustrated.

Play (exploring) is everything your baby does. She does it naturally. Before she even plays with toys, she is “playing” and learning when she looks at her hands, or kicks her feet. She is experimenting with and learning how her body works. Everything is so new to a baby, and so everything is an experiment to try to find out how things work. She uses all of her senses when she plays. When she begins to pick up toys and taste them, bang them, drop them, and retrieve them, she is playing. When she responds to your words by babbling, smiling, cooing, or she makes raspberries to get your attention, she is playing. As she moves, or plays with sounds, or drops and retrieves a toy, she is learning. She might repeat actions over and over with small differences.

You don’t have to hand her toys or show her what do to. You just have to provide a safe space for her to explore, and include simple objects, like balls, cups, spoons, dolls, empty containers, blocks, scarfs- toys that do nothing, so your baby can be active in discovering and creating her own understanding of the world. The very first play object we offer a baby in parent/infant classes is a cotton scarf, which we place in a peak, where a baby laying on her back can see it, and reach for it when she’s ready. This scarf is a staple of the play room from the time babies are about three months old, until they graduate from class at two years old. The babies use the scarfs in a variety of different ways as they grow. As your child moves from infancy into young toddlerhood, you can add a few more objects or elements (but choose wisely) to the play area, or vary the toys to provide different opportunities for her to explore. Sand, water, climbing toys, push and pull toys, empty boxes, and (once she’s well past putting things into her mouth) playdough, are some suggestions.

You don’t have to do anything but trust, watch, and enjoy. Watch to see what she’s interested in, what she does with the play objects you’re providing. Watch to see how her understanding of the world and the people in it changes and grows. Soon you will see her begin to initiate and engage in play with other children. At first, she will begin to notice other children more and more, and try to make contact, maybe by touching, showing, taking, or exchanging toys. She’ll then progress to playing peek-a-boo or chase. At some point, you’ll notice she starts to engage in pretend play, using a block to pretend to “talk” on the phone, drinking from a cup, or patting her babydoll to sleep. As her understanding of her world and the people and things in it grows, so does her play become ever more complex and sophisticated.

You offer the greatest gift when you allow your child to play her way, with you as a witness to her discoveries. This is what Magda Gerber called “wants nothing” time: “Most of us are used to, and conditioned to, doing something. Wants nothing time is different, more a time for taking in and waiting. We fully accept the infant’s beingness just by our own receptive beingness.” We also allow, encourage and protect a baby’s natural ability to experience joy in learning and creation, while she builds her self confidence, attention span, and more. These are the “bonuses” of self directed, or free play.

I’d love to hear your thoughts. What is your definition of play? Do you see a difference between child led or free play, and structured or adult-led play? Do you think children learn more from their own explorations or do they need adults to teach them and show them how to play, or is it both? What gets in the way of allowing your child to play freely? Finally, how many different ways can you think of to use a cotton scarf?

P.S. For more on play, Janet Lansbury’s blog can’t be beat if you are the parent or teacher (educarer) of babies and toddlers, and Teacher Tom’s blog is my top pick if you are the parent or teacher of children age two and older.

All They Need Is Play

“Free play,” as scientists call it, is critical for becoming socially adept, coping with stress and building cognitive skills such as problem solving.

Angelina writes: “I have been reading your blog articles as well as following on Facebook. I wish that I knew about your classes when my almost 2 year old was a baby! I was wondering if you could answer a question that I have been having or perhaps provide some insight. There are many blogs that I have been seeing raving about “Tot School” basically a semi-structured school time for young toddlers to preschoolers. I have done a few of the worksheets, art activities, and Montessori activities with her and while she enjoys it and has learned a lot, I can’t help but wonder if it’s too structured. What are your thoughts on early learning at this age? Could it be detrimental or am I maybe being too paranoid?”

Dear Angelina,

First, thank you for reading, and for trusting me enough to ask for my opinion.You are not being at all paranoid. In fact, you are being quite wise to question the value of a semi-structured school time that utilizes worksheets to teach your two year old. I hope you won’t mind that I chose to answer your question publicly, but it is one that comes up frequently, and my hope is that others will benefit from reading, and entering into the discussion.

I hadn’t heard of “Tot School” before, so I did a quick google search, and was dismayed by my findings: “For those of us with older children who are homeschooled, we often place a lot of emphasis on them while the tots just *play.* This isn’t bad, it just didn’t work for me. Personally, I felt I was losing valuable 1 on 1 time with my precious tot that I had with my first child since he was the only one then. Tot School is the time each day I spend with my tot, exposing early learning skills through FUN play.”

Now, there are two aspects of this I love: The first is the idea of spending some time each day focused on your toddler, and the second is the idea of fun play. ( Play is what your daughter naturally does, and she doesn’t need to be shown how to do it well!) But what I don’t agree with is “exposing (your child to) early learning skills through FUN play.” Why? Because as soon as you define a ‘learning goal’, and begin to actively ‘teach’ your child through using worksheets, or introducing planned activities and materials that are to be used in a prescribed way to teach number and letter skills (for instance), your child is no longer engaging in free, experimental, self guided, creative play, and the learning is no longer her own.

It’s just not necessary to expose your daughter to “early learning skills” in a structured, artificial way, because your two year old is constantly learning everything she needs to know just by being involved in her daily routines, actively exploring her world at her own pace, and engaging in relationship with you, the rest of her family, and the children at your local playground. All she needs is play to learn what she needs to learn, and to see her through to the time in her life when she is ready for more structured learning and instruction (ideally, sometime after the age of seven).

This is only one story about one little girl, but it illustrates what I’ve observed any number of times, over a number of years, with a number of children. S. who is now six, and in the first grade, is reading fluently at about a fourth grade level. She loves reading and writing, and just got her first children’s dictionary last week, which she begged her Mom to allow her to sleep with. I learned S. could read one day last year when there was a book fair at the school library, and we went to look at books together. She picked up an early reader, and said “Do you want me to read you a story from this book?” I (of course) said yes, and she sat down and proceeded to read the whole book in an animated way, without a hiccup. I was a bit shocked, to tell the truth. I asked her if her teacher had read the book to her earlier that day, and she said “No Lisa, I just know how to read it.” That night, as I shared the story with her parents, they told me they had just discovered S.’s reading abilities earlier in the week, when she announced that she wanted to read a new book of fairy stories to them at bedtime. They were similarly amazed by her ability and fluency.

The interesting thing is, her parents and I never focused on teaching S. to read through any formal means, like through the use of flashcards or worksheets, or other structured learning activities. We are all avid readers, and she sees us reading and writing regularly. We also took her to the library once every couple of weeks from the time she was about a year old, and of course, we cuddled up and read to her daily. Other than that, S.’s “schedule” as a toddler was just hanging out playing with me or her parents, until she was three and a half, and started to attend a totally play based preschool for a few hours every morning, where she chose to spend most of her time in the dress up corner, or outside on the monkey bars.

It’s ironic that you wrote to me yesterday because a sobering article was just published in Scientific American which addresses exactly the question you are asking. Entitled The Death Of Preschool, the byline reads: “The trend in early education is to move from a play-based curriculum to a more school-like environment of directed learning. But is earlier better? And better at what?” The article concludes, “Perhaps most disturbing is the potential for the early exposure to academics to physiologically damage developing brains.” Yes, you read correctly, there is evidence to indicate early exposure to academics may actually damage developing brains. Not what any parent wants for their child, by any means.

…parents might be surprised to learn that “just playing” is in fact what nearly all developmental psychologists, neuroscientists and education experts recommend for children up to age seven as the best way to nurture kids’ development and ready them for academic success later in life. Decades of research have demonstrated that their innate curiosity leads them to develop their social, emotional and physical skills independently, through exploration—that is, through play.

Angelina, all of my education, experience, and instincts combined, lead me to believe that all your little girl needs and what she will most benefit from right now, is your loving care and attention, and the opportunity to play freely (you might give her a ball or a doll, read her a book, or take her to the park) “mucking about” to her heart’s content. It so happens that Janet Lansbury published a post yesterday that I can’t recommend highly enough, which also addresses your question. Janet shares 10 Secrets To Raising Less Stressed Kids, and gives lots of great ideas for what to do instead of “teaching” through structured activities. She also offers a great resource list for learning more.

I will continue to write here, and post links on Facebook that I hope will inspire you to enjoy your daughter, and create an environment that will allow her to flourish through play. If you want to read even more, check out any of the books listed below, which were recommended in the Scientific American article, and happen to be ones I also regularly recommend:

Einstein Never Used Flashcards: How Our Children Really Learn—And Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less. Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, Roberta Michnick Golinkoff and Diane Eyer. Rodale Books, 2003.

The Philosophical Baby: What Children’s Minds Tell Us about Truth, Love,and the Meaning of Life. Alison Gopnik. Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2009.

Mind in the Making. Ellen Galinsky. Harper Paperbacks, 2010.

Wishing you and your little girl many happy (unstructured), playful days together!