Daily Life – Regarding Baby

5 Hints For Better Mornings

From my mailbox:

“Mornings have always been my biggest struggle. I’m not a morning person. Mornings at our house are always chaotic, the children are cranky and picking at each other, someone inevitably ends up yelling (me), and sometimes we all end up in tears, not to mention I end up forgetting important things (my child’s lunch) at home. It feels like we all get off to a bad start every day, and then we are apart all day. I’m looking for suggestions on how to make mornings more peaceful and how to make it easier for me to be respectful and connect with my children while still getting out the door on time. I’m also wondering how much time I should give myself to get out the door? I currently do an hour. It feels rushed, but getting up earlier is so hard.”

I am with you. Mornings have never been my forte. For me, saying, “I’m not a morning person,” is the understatement of the year. I am a single working parent and am lucky enough to be able to set my work hours. I never schedule any meeting before 10:00 am if I can help it. My six-year-old just started Kindergarten this year, and the morning meeting at school begins promptly at 8:30 am. It is the first time we have had to get ready and out of the house on time for anything. Previous to attending Kindergarten, my girl participated in a small home-based preschool for three years, but drop off could occur any time from 8:00 am to 9:15 am, and hot fresh snacks and lunch were served daily, so all we had to do was show up. The days at Honalee preschool began slowly with free choice play and leisurely check-ins with teachers.

Now, I have to prepare and send lunch and snacks to school, and there is always something to remember (books to be returned for library day, a particular shaped item for share day, homework, permission slips, baked goods for the school bake sale, etc.). Parents are encouraged not to linger. Drive time is about 15 minutes, so that has to be factored in. My girl is up early (usually before 7:00 am) but likes to take her time, and becomes anxious if I am hurrying her. During the first weeks of school, our mornings were chaotic and stressful, and we were more often late than not, she forgot her glasses more than once, and there were tears all around. It was not ideal, or anything even close to acceptable. I knew something had to change, and as usual, that something was my approach. Here is what is working for us:

Set the scene: Better mornings begin the night before. With a little bit of planning and organization, you can set yourself, and your children for a (relatively) stress-free start to the day before heading off to school and work. For us, this means doing everything that can be done to prepare for the next day the evening before. I hung a large monthly calendar on the wall that notes events and reminders about field trips, sharing days and themes, special events, volunteer days, and school vacations, and made a simple checklist (words and pictures) for myself and my girl and tacked it up next to the door. It has become a nightly ritual for us to check the calendar and the weather for the following day before bed. My girl chooses and lays out clothes for the next morning. We pack her backpack and place it by the door. We clean her glasses and put them in their case in a basket by the door. Shoes are in the basket by the door, coats and raingear hung on low hooks by the door. My girl sets the breakfast table. I prime the coffee maker and plan simple breakfasts that include protein and which I prep ahead of time (two appliances which have become indispensable are the Dash egg cooker and an Instant Pot). I cook extra portions of whatever is for dinner and pack her lunch and fill her water thermos the night before. I also write a love note which I include in my girl’s lunch. Simple: A heart, “I love you,” and a kitty sticker, just to let her know I am thinking about her. I thought she didn’t even notice or care until one day when we were running extra late, and I skipped the note. When she greeted me at the end of the day, the first thing she said was, “I am sad because you forgot to write me a note today.” Be sure to involve your children in the routines as much as possible, to include their ideas if they are old enough to share them, and to make accessible and organize things like clothes, shoes, and outerwear in a simp;e way so that children can find them and help themselves.

Make sure everyone is getting to bed at a reasonable hour, including you. My girl is in bed and asleep by 7:30 pm. I, on the other hand, am often up much too late. I set a bedtime for myself of 10:00 pm and set an alarm a half hour before to remind myself to turn off the computer and begin to wind down and prepare for bed. I am finding it easier to wake up and stay calm and present throughout morning routines when I am in bed by 10:00 pm, and getting two to three hours more sleep than previously. I needed to commit to getting my rest as much as I was committing to helping her get hers.

Create a simple and predictable morning routine and let your children participate. Get yourself dressed first, and then focus on your child(ren). We dress, feed the cat, sit down for breakfast, and then head upstairs to brush teeth together, before doing a quick once-over of our checklist to make sure we have everything we need before heading out.

Start slow, begin earlier than you think you need to, and take a minute to center yourself. This exercise can be short and sweet. Just pause, take a deep breath, and mentally set an intention for the day before moving into action. I find inspiration at Daily Om. I was resistant to this idea until I tried it. I tend to jump right into task mode when I wake and have found that taking just five minutes to slow down and reflect consciously is a much more peaceful way to start the day. I don’t think I will ever be able to get up earlier than my girl, but some people swear this is possible and worth it. I tease that she and the cat are my alarm clocks and as long as I have them, I don’t need to set one. We have a morning ritual which I love, and which works for us. My girl comes downstairs and hops into bed with me for a cuddle before we get up to dress and eat. I sit down and eat breakfast with her, and we talk (as opposed to me rushing around trying to make lunch, find lost shoes, etc., while she sits at the table alone). I savor these moments of closeness and connection, and she seems to be more calm and cooperative when it comes time to get ready to go.

Keep the TV, radio, computer, and phone off. Keeping the TV off was easy for me, since we don’t have one, but the phone was a bigger problem. Because I am self-employed and a lot of my work is online right now, it is so tempting to try to multi-task, read or respond to a few email messages or texts in between getting ready to leave. I decided that the phone would stay off until after I had dropped my girl at school. No email or work-related matter is so important that it can’t wait until 8;30 am. Keeping the phone off allows me to be fully present with my daughter in the morning and make the most of the short time we do have together before school.

I would love to hear from you if you have found ideas that work to create better mornings in your home.

Clean Up, Clean Up

“How do you handle cleaning up toys for a three year old? Or should I not have this expectation? My husband asked my three year old to pick up toys and she said, “No thanks”. So he said he would take something away if she did not do it. I don’t agree with this and my three year old doesn’t care! She says, “Go ahead”. At what age do we start cleaning up together and asking for /expecting participation? And what should the consequence be if they don’t/ won’t do it?”

It is such a common question, so today, I am going to offer some ideas originally shared in the Facebook group, RIE: Raising Babies Magda’s Way that may be helpful in thinking about how to approach this dilemma in a respectful way. Begin by understanding that living with young children means living with some (Okay, sometimes a lot of) mess. Learning, growing, playing, and creating is a messy affair. Letting go of the expectation that your home will be Pinterest perfect goes a long way. As with most things, encouraging cooperation and participation in cleaning puts the onus on us as parents to do most of the “heavy lifting” in the early years. It takes time, modeling and patience, and we have to try to see through the eyes of our children.

It can be very helpful to create a yes space” within your home, which is essentially the child’s play space, and that way, toys are confined to one area. It can also be helpful to have baskets for easy sorting and cleaning up. But aside from these practicalities, it is important to build the habit and to invite, rather than insist upon or force cooperation, and this can begin at a very young age. During parent/infant education classes, I bring a large basket, and five to ten minutes before the end of class, I bring out the basket and very slowly begin to collect the toys, narrating what I am doing. This is a signal to the children that the class is drawing to a close, and we will soon be saying goodbye. I ask parents to remain seated and to stay relaxed as I gather toys. By the time children are young toddlers, when I bring the basket out, I usually have several eager and willing helpers. I usually pick up just a few toys, and then sit and let the children bring toys to me. I don’t expect or direct them to help, I don’t sing a clean up song, and I don’t make a big deal of it if some children choose not to participate.

Likewise, at home, I began a similar routine with my girl when she was an infant. I would tidy her play area twice a day, usually midday and early evening. For a long time, she just watched, then she liked to “help” by taking toys out of the baskets, and then one day, when she was about two, this happened:

I would generally just start and let her join in any way she wanted to. At age two and a half, she eagerly participated in cleaning up. She had started to build these tall block towers, and I would always ask her if she’d like to leave them or if she’d like to knock them over and put them away and rebuild them later. Engaging her in the process and seeing clean up as a “wants something” caregiving time, and a cooperative effort was important. A good rule of thumb for both younger and older children is to not allow access to more toys than YOU are willing or able to pick up all by yourself. This does not have to be a battle. Children don’t need to be threatened with consequences, manipulated or bribed in order to participate in this process.

Janet Lansbury adds: “Children are more likely to help out when they don’t feel pressured or on the spot, aren’t too tired, and have been approached with a positive, polite attitude. When we don’t give them a ton of these kinds of rules and we stay on their side, they feel genuinely loving towards us, and want to help. I would only ask in the most open way, “Would you mind popping some of those blocks into this bucket?” If she says no or just doesn’t do it, keep going yourself, maybe asking her again with something else. If you ask children any question, it has to be okay for them to say no. What I’m saying is to stop trying to find an approach to get her to do this. Ratchet this all back to being perfectly willing to pick up yourself. My advice would be to put out less stuff if you don’t want a big mess to clean up. You can’t force these things. You can’t force someone to like and respect you. That’s a kind of old-school thinking that leads to punishment and a less intimate and trusting long-term relationship between parent and child. Yes, a child may be perfectly capable of cleaning up, but that will always be a voluntary activity on her part. You cannot force this, unless you want to resort to punishment and creating more of a divide between you. Being capable and wanting to do it are two different things. From my point of view you are trying to straitjacket her into being more mature than she is and that always backfires, because we don’t get what we want in the end. We might get a “good” child that feels a lot of shame inside and doesn’t feel particularly intimate with her parents.”

Kate Russell, of Peaceful Parents, Confident Kids, echoes Janet’s advice, saying, “Children are inherently good, kind and helpful. They don’t need to be taught to be these things. When children are able to act these qualities out it is because all their needs are met. They are feeling safe, supported, trusted, accepted, loved, connected. They aren’t hungry, tired, overwhelmed, overstimulated, etc. When you get annoyed or frustrated with your child for not following your orders, you undermine her feelings of safety, support, acceptance and love, and therefore it is nearly impossible for her to naturally and authentically want to help or follow your orders. I would encourage parents to explore further where these ideas that children must experience consequences for not complying are coming from. Often, it’s related to our own upbringings and values we had forced on us early on.”

Finally, Shiva, mom to a four year old, reflects, “Last night I found myself a bit frustrated about my child’s lack of participation in cleaning up before bedtime so I took the time to search for some guidance. After reading the comments above, the first thing I did this morning was to declutter and put some of her toys away (with her input). I slightly shifted my perspective and tone during our clean up routine tonight and noticed a huge difference! We also started cleaning up a little earlier than usual to ensure that she’s not too tired, and I set some limits, telling her if she’d like to play with her toys that she needed to make sure they stay in her room.”

So, what do you think? Are you ready for a shift in how you approach clean up with your children?

Baby Connect- A Useful Tool For Parents

My child is three years old now, but has been having some health challenges which make it necessary to carefully track food intake, medication, diaper contents, sleep, mood, and activity, in order to share with health care professionals. Enter Baby Connect.

Rarely (Okay, never!) have I been as excited about an app as I am about this one, which is why I’m sharing. I would have loved to have known about this tool or have had it available to me when I was working as a nanny or an infant/toddler teacher, as I regularly kept written logs of each child’s day and critical information such as diaper changes, amount of milk and food consumed, sleep and wake times, etc., for parents. I often ask parents to keep simple logs for me when I’m doing consults, particularly when their concerns are around sleep. All of these little details of a baby’s day and routine are important in the early years, and give clues about a child’s overall health and growth. Often, it’s not so easy to accurately keep track of these details.

Baby Connect makes it a cinch to keep track of crucial information. I have been using it for about a week now, and I have to tell you, it beats pen and paper hands down. It is an easy to use, comprehensive tool. The app tracks and graphs changes over time, which is also helpful. It can be customized, easily shared with others, and used on multiple devices. It can record feedings, nursing, naps, diapers, milestones, pumping, baby’s mood, temperature, activities, and even gps location. If you have more than one child, or care for more than one child, the app can manage that. A web interface is also accessible for free, so a childcare provider doesn’t need a smart phone to view and enter information about the child, and I like that I can easily share information with my child’s health care provider via the web interface.

I also appreciate the diary feature, and that I can even take pictures from the app. With one click, I can accurately record the time and most important pieces of information as an event occurs, and then I can go back to record or fill in additional details later, so as not to take time away from being present for my child. Take a look at the video below for a demonstration. Honestly, it’s the best $4.99 I have ever spent. I just wish I had known about it sooner.

Note: The link provided is an Affiliate Link from Amazon, which means if you choose to purchase through this link, I receive a small percentage of the sale, which helps to me to defray the cost of maintaining this blog.

Entering Into A Conversation With Your Baby

“What are some things to say to a baby when he is upset for no clear reason (fresh diaper, fed, not too cold/warm, not tired, etc)? My husband and I have gotten into the habit of saying ‘You’re OK’ to our 3 month old. We say it more as a reassurance that he is indeed safe and secure (which we frequently also say) rather than to negate his feelings. I’m at a loss for other phrases to use but don’t want this one to become any more of a habit, especially for when he is older.”

“I see you as the separate little person that you are. You know and feel things that you want and need to express. You want and need to be heard. You have a lot to say. I see you. I hear you. I’m listening. I want to hear and understand who you are and what you have to say. Tell me. I am here for you.” This is a conversation and relationship that begins at birth and evolves over time. You convey this message to your young baby through your words, through your touch, through maintaining an attitude of curiosity, openness, and respect.

“Remember, crying is a baby’s language—it is a way to express pain, anger, and sadness. Acknowledge the emotions your baby is expressing. Let him know he has communicated.

For example, you might say, ‘I see you’re uncomfortable. And hearing you cry really upsets me. I want to find out what you need. Tell me. I will try to understand your cues…’… Then think out loud. ‘Could it be that your diaper is wet? I don’t think you are hungry because you just ate. Maybe I’ve been holding you long enough and maybe you want to be on your back for a while.’ This is the start of lifelong, honest communication.” Magda Geber

I remember the first time I held my girl as if it was yesterday, even though that was two and a half years ago. She was just a few weeks old. As soon as she was placed in my arms, she began vocalizing. This was something that everyone present would notice and comment on over a period of four months, during the precious one hour visits we were allowed weekly. “As soon as she is in your arms, she starts “talking”.

This is still true today, although now she has words. She lets me know how she’s feeling and what she’s thinking, in a very clear way, always. We don’t always agree. I’m not always able to make things better or easier for her. Sometimes, all I can do or say is, “I hear you. This is hard.” Sometimes, I have misunderstood, and gotten it wrong. But we have always been and are always) in conversation with each other and my goal has always been (and still is) to try to listen and understand, and to allow her to feel heard, seen and accepted for exactly who she is. It’s an attitude and a belief as much as anything else. “I am interested in hearing what you have to say and trying to understand who you are and what you need.”

Early on, I said things like this: “What do you want to tell me?” “Tell me more.” “You are so upset.” “I’m listening.” “I’m here.” “You have a lot to tell me.” “You seem uncomfortable.” “I wonder what you’re trying to tell me?” “It’s OK to cry.” ” I wonder if you would like to go outside for a walk?”” I wonder if you are tired and need to rest?” “Would you like me to sing you a song?” “It’s hard to be a baby sometimes, isn’t it?” “I’m trying to/want to understand what you’re telling me.”

Enter into the conversation with your baby. Let her know that what she has to say is important to you, and that you are trying to understand. Ask her questions and wait for her response. Be with her in her experience as fully as you are able. It’s the beginning of a beautiful relationship, and a lifetime of conversation.

The Gift in Slowing Down to a Child’s Pace

Tabitha writes, “I wanted to share an experience from my family’s first vacation. I just returned form a two-week stay in Mexico with my husband and 15 month old daughter. The first week was shared with my entire extended family as we celebrated the wedding of my younger sister. I was extremely excited to introduce my daughter to the beach and the swimming pool. I grew up in the water and my daughter loves the bath so I looked forward to her excitement in playing in such vast bodies of water.

We have been taking RIE classes since my little one was 7 months old, but it was as if everything got thrown out the window at the beginning of vacation. After arrival, we immediately went down to the pool to meet my family so everyone could see my daughter’s first pool experience. In my excitement, I did not see that it had become about everyone else’s experience, not my daughter’s. My husband and I got in, but my daughter was hesitant.

I still can’t believe it, but I picked her up and brought her in with me! She started crying and I looked around at my family members (strangers to her at this point) trying to “make” her happy by making crazy faces at her and I was snapped back to reality. What was I doing? We got out, I apologized to her for bringing her in when she was clearly not ready, and we explored the grounds by her lead.

Later that day, I walked with her down to the beach, just me and my daughter. I explained where we were going but I had no expectations, no agenda. We walked to where the sand meets the water and I sat down and my daughter stood between my legs. Our faces were next to each other as we looked out to the ocean. She stood there for five minutes, mouth half open in awe. Five quiet minutes of awe. She will never see the ocean again for the first time, and I was fully present, and honored to share the moment. It was so beautifully overwhelming, I shed tears.

After five minutes, she pushed off me and walked right into the water! On her terms. It was hard keeping her out of the water for the rest of vacation (even the pool, after allowing her to enter on her terms). Reflecting that night, I realized the pool experience was really all about me, masked as me giving her an experience. I wanted to force a beautiful moment like what happened on the beach, yet, what happened on the beach unfolded organically. I didn’t know we were going to have that moment, I was just present to receive the gift. Funny, cameras documented everything at the pool and we have none of the beach moment yet that five-minute memory is seared into my soul.

I love RIE, love this community, and love the continued inspiration to grow as a mother.

I appreciate Tabitha allowing me to share this beautiful story, which I feels illustrates the profound connection and joy available to both parents and young children when we can slow down just a little to be present with, and allow for what naturally unfolds, leaving our agenda behind, and trusting our children to be active participants in their own experience, recognizing that they have a point of view too. If you’d like to learn more, the community Tabitha is referring to can be found here, and the basic premises of RIE can be found here.

No Ifs, Ands, or Buts: Setting Limits With Empathy

Calmly setting and holding to necessary limits can be trying for parents, especially in the face of a toddler’s strong feelings of displeasure or upset. One of the most frequent questions I receive from parents is “How do I set or hold a limit when my child is upset?” For instance, “It’s time to get dressed, and my child is refusing. We have to leave in 15 minutes to get to childcare, so that I can get to work on time. He can’t go to childcare in his diaper, but he won’t cooperate, even though I’ve given him time, and offered him choices of what to wear. I’ve tried distracting him and bribing him, and explaining the reasons he has to get dressed. I don’t want to force him, but I don’t know what to do. It’s almost impossible to dress a screaming, kicking child, and I hate to see him so upset.”

Often, in instances like this, parents are tempted to give in or give up, or they wear themselves out trying to reason with their toddler, and they may become frustrated when they give choice after choice, but their toddler rejects every option. Sometimes, parents resort to yelling or spanking, or sometimes, they end up bringing a diaper clad but otherwise naked toddler to childcare, and asking for help!

The answer to this question is to pause to allow for and acknowledge your toddler’s feelings, and then, to calmly carry on. But what does this look and sound like in practice?

Parent and teacher, Sarah Morrison, sheds some light based on a realization she had after attending a conference held in Sacramento, in October of last year, where she listened to a keynote speech given by RIE Associate Janet Lansbury.

Sarah writes: “I think I just had an epiphany. I was just sitting here, meditating on Janet Lansbury’s keynote talk about acknowledging emotions. One thing she said that I’ve really tried to implement is removing “but” from my vocabulary when I acknowledge a child’s feelings. Typically, adults say things like, “You really want that toy, BUT it is Ryan’s.” “You don’t want to get into the car, BUT we are running late and we need to go right now.”

Somehow, when you include the “but” and everything that follows, it seems to invalidate the preceding part of the statement. As an example, if I was overwhelmed and stressed to the limit with my responsibilities and poured my heart out to my husband and he replied, “You are so, so unhappy right now. You feel like there’s just too much on your plate, BUT you’re the one who is home during the day and these things still need to get done.”, I would NOT feel very understood.

ANYWAY, that’s not what my epiphany was. As I was meditating on Janet’s presentation, I suddenly realized that RIE (Resources For Infant Educarers, the organization and approach founded by Magda Gerber) is not about treating children like mini-adults (a common misinterpretation of Magda Gerber’s philosophy), it’s about treating them with the understanding that they are PEOPLE. A child’s brain does not have the same developed powers of logic and reasoning that a fully formed adult brain has, therefore, it’s unreasonable to present them with our wonderfully reasoned, logical, and intricate arguments for and against every limit that must be set. It’s not appropriate for us to give toddlers complete autonomy in choices of nutrition, proper clothing, or safety and health issues. It is our responsibility to make these decisions and hold these limits without wavering in the face of their displeasure, but to do it with love and empathy for their feelings.

“You don’t want to eat the broccoli on your plate. You wish I had served more banana muffins instead of broccoli! You are in charge of what you put in your body. If you don’t want to eat it, leave it on your plate.”

This doesn’t change the fact that I’m serving broccoli for dinner and I’ll probably serve it again next week. I’m not going to offer a banana muffin instead, or explain why broccoli is good for my child and why she should eat it. Having broccoli on our plates tonight is just the way the world is. I can acknowledge her feelings, (“You don’t want broccoli, you wish we had something else.”), and remind her of her agency. (“You’re in charge of what you put in your body. You may leave it on your plate.”)

This is pretty much the way I’ve operated since first introducing RIE ideas into my program and family, but I was having trouble explaining to others the nuances of the principles I was trying to work with. I think the distinction between treating a child as an Adult versus as a Person may make it easier to understand.

What I took from Janet’s presentation was that honestly acknowledging and being respectful of a child’s feelings or point of view shouldn’t have any qualifiers. It’s enough (and more respectful) to simply observe, “You really don’t want to get in the car. You want to stay and play.” And then, just be in that moment with them. Adding, “BUT we’re running late and you need to get buckled in right now”, kind of just runs roughshod over what they’re feeling and perhaps invalidates it.

I think this a a perfect time for Magda Gerber’s advice to Slow Down.

“You really don’t want to get in the car. You’re so upset right now.” (Pause to slow my own breathing and get a little “zen”.) “I need to be sure you’re safe. Do you need another moment before I buckle you in? OK.” (Pausing again to keep my own breathing deep and slow, staying as unhurried and relaxed as I can.) “OK, I’m going to buckle you in now.” (Pause to let what I just said register and then gently and firmly talk my child through the process.) “I’m helping you with your right arm. And now your left. Here goes your chest clip. I need your bottom all the way in the seat. Please sit your bottom down all the way. I’m going to help you scoot your bottom back so that I can click your buckle. OK, now I’m making your straps snug. I know that you are still upset. You are crying and you look frustrated. It’s OK for you to be upset. This is a safe place for you and your feelings. I’m going to get in the front seat now but I will be listening to you.”

My general rule of thumb is, the louder and more upset a child is becoming, the softer and more intimate I become. It helps me to remain calm and I think it helps children to feel safer. I don’t need to put on a big parenting show for everyone in the cereal aisle, it’s just me and my kiddo trying to reconnect and that is done by going low and slow.”

I’d love to hear your questions, comments, and thoughts about setting limits with empathy. For more reading on a gentle, effective approach to discipline with infants and toddlers, I highly recommend following this link and checking out the many articles Janet Lansbury has written on the topic.

A special thanks to Sarah Morrison, who is an Early Childhood specialist who lives in Northern California. Her passion for providing quality child care for young children led her to study Waldorf Education with Lifeways North America, which is where she was introduced to the inspired writings of Magda Gerber and RIE. Soon after, she completed the RIE Foundations course. Sarah runs a mixed-age nursery school program from her home.

On Our Way, With a Little Help From Our Friends (A Christmas Miracle)

As many of you know, I am in the (very long, painfully slow) process of adopting my niece R from the foster care system, and to that end, I have been required to remain in the state of Florida (where she was born) throughout this past year. On December tenth, R and I received a ruling from the court that I consider to be nothing short of a Christmas miracle. The judge approved my request to return home to Santa Cruz, California, with R, in February of 2014.

One year ago, R was just shy of five months old, and we had been together for just three weeks:

Tomorrow, she will be 17 months old, and we will have been together for a little over a year. She is a RIE baby through and through and has developed all of her gross motor milestones naturally.

I was in the kitchen preparing dinner last week, while she contentedly played in her play area. I turned around to see her sitting at the top of the small, wooden climbing structure that had been sitting in her play space since she was about 6 months old. She had never paid any attention to it before. I grabbed the phone camera, and for the next half hour, I watched and recorded in silent awe, as she proceeded to navigate the climber on her terms:

Those of you who have been following us on our journey through this past year know that it’s been quite a ride. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and for us, that phrase holds special meaning. Through it all, despite being quite isolated and alone here in Florida, I have been privileged to have the support of the most incredible, generous group of friends back home in California, as well as an amazing online community of parents and educators, who are also endeavoring to raise their babies with Magda Gerber’s principles of respect.

It has been an honor to be able to contribute to the RIE/Mindful Parenting Group on Facebook, and it is not an exaggeration to say that the relationships I have formed, and the support I have received in return for my participation, have made it possible for me to survive this past year with all of its many emotional and financial challenges.

We still have some hurdles to face and overcome before the adoption is final, and I will remain under state supervision in California (meaning, having to clear another background check, submitting to another home study, monthly visits from a social worker, and endless piles of paperwork and red tape), but returning home also means that we will have nearby friends and community surrounding us, and I will be able to return to work and teaching parenting classes, as I will have access to childcare that I trust. At this time, I am relying on friends back in Santa Cruz to help with home hunting, and I am busy trying to navigate the logistics of a move across country with an active toddler in tow! (All housing leads appreciated!)

Whatever happens, R and I will be together, and that, my friends, fills my heart with joy. I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you, from the bottom of my heart, for your caring, your sharing, your generosity, and your ongoing emotional and practical support. Thank you for helping me to bring R home. We couldn’t have made it this far without you. Sending much love and many warm wishes for the happiest of holidays to you and yours, Lisa

Toddler Testing: Problem or Opportunity?

“Go slowly and with great patience.” Magda Gerber

Emma writes: “I really struggle with a particular issue at meal times with my 11 month old son. He is awesome with washing hands, but pulls away, pulls at the cloth, and tries with all his might to throw it on the floor when I wipe his face. I’ve tried slowing down. I always tell him what I am going to do before I do it, and I have tried offering the cloth to him. (He throws it as far away as possible, every time.) How do you do it???”

Communication, conversation, turn taking, cooperation, independence, and self mastery all develop through the everyday care routines (feeding, nose wiping, diaper changing, bathing, etc. ) we engage in with our infants and toddlers.

Emma, I think you just have to keep trying, remain calm and consistent, and trust that one day your son is going to understand and choose to participate and cooperate more. If you go very slowly, stay calm, and keep talking him through the process while asking and waiting for his participation and cooperation, it will get easier one day.

Maybe it will help you to know that not everything always goes so smoothly around here. For instance, when R was about 11 months old, she decided that she absolutely did not want anything at all to do with diaper changing. She would crawl over to her diaper changing area when I noted it was time for a change, but it was all downhill from there. Once she got to the changing pad, she would not stay still. She would not stay on her back for even the two minutes it took me to fasten her diaper. She spent every diaper change trying to escape, grabbing at the wipes and the diaper, trying to kick me, bucking her body, and yelling at me in protest.

For my part, I started to dread diaper changes. I did them as infrequently as possible. I found myself asking, then pleading for, and finally demanding cooperation. (Demanding didn’t work so well.) I tried everything I knew how to do. Slowing down. Talking with her. Asking for her permission and participation. Letting her roll and play. I tried to do as much of the diaper change as I could while she was on her tummy. I tried singing silly songs.

Each time, it would go like this: She’d roll onto her tummy and try to escape. I’d wait a minute, and try to involve her in the task at hand. I would hand her the diaper to hold, and she’d drop it on the floor and laugh. I’d hand her the box of wipes, wait for her to pull one out, and ask her to hand it to me, and she’d drop it on the floor and laugh. I’d ask her to turn on her back after letting her roll around for 3 minutes, and I knew she understood, because she’d get very still, then turn on her back, give a grin, and flip right back onto her tummy again. I’d try, in vain, to encourage her to help me dress her, by asking her to push her limbs through the holes of her clothing, and she’d squirm away and flail. I could feel myself growing impatient and my blood pressure rising.

One day, when poop was flying everywhere, my patience was short, and asking her to stay still wasn’t working, I insisted she had to stay still, and I “helped” her by placing one arm across her body so she couldn’t roll. This didn’t feel good to me, and for her part, she let me know how she felt about being restrained by literally growling at me!

It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t fun for me, but as much as she complained and protested during the diaper change, she’d go back to happily playing and babbling once it was all over, while I was left feeling frustrated, cleaning up poop from every surface, wondering what I was doing wrong, and thinking, “There’s got to be an easier way.” I found myself looking on-line at those diaper changing devices that “gently restrain” babies, and promise easy, mess free diaper changing. (Yes, I did!!!) I had to laugh at myself, because after all, here I was, supposedly one of the diaper changing queens of the baby world!

What happened? Our diaper changing times used to be such wonderful times of connection and closeness, and now, almost every time, it was miserable for both of us. What happened was that my girl was maturing into a young toddler. She was mobile and also asserting her will and personality. She was asking me to engage with her on her terms, as much as I was asking her to engage on mine. This (as I’d counseled many a parent in the past) was a good and positive sign of the trust she had developed in me to listen to her, and to do things with her, instead of for her or to her. As much as it was my job to gently bring her back to the task at hand, it was also my job to follow her lead a bit, and find a way to make room for, and enjoy her emerging playfulness and need to be in constant motion.

I re-read Janet Lansbury’s post,, Dealing With Diaper Changing Disasters, and Mamas In The Making post, Catch Me If You Can.

Finally, it dawned on me that maybe my attitude and approach needed to change if it was going to get any better. I had begun to look at diaper changing time as a “problem” to be solved instead of an opportunity to build communication, cooperation, and connection. I just wanted to get the chore done. I anticipated that it was going to be a disaster, and more often than not it was. I also realized that I wanted R to listen to me, and participate, but on my terms and timeline. I forgot that what she was doing was crucial, and an important part of her learning process.

How often had I counseled other parents to try to relax, step back a little, and re-frame the issue (whatever it was)? It was time to take my own advice. I needed to adjust my attitude and expectations. “This isn’t a problem. It is an opportunity. This is just what’s happening right now. It’s part of the process of growth and learning. We’ve got to find a way to do it together.”

Amazingly enough, as soon as I stopped approaching the diaper changing time as a dreaded task to be gotten through, and tried to see it as a time to build connection, cooperation and communication, it got better and easier. R was suddenly more willing and able to cooperate. And then tonight, there was this, during another caregiving time:

I was wiping R’s face with a washcloth after dinner. She was grabbing at the cloth, and pushing my hand away. I said, “Would you like to hold the cloth and try by yourself?” while holding the cloth out to her with an open palm. She took the cloth and swiped at her face, then she reached out and handed the cloth back to me. I said, “Thank you!” She laughed, and reached for the cloth again, so I handed it back to her. We then spent the next ten minutes handing the cloth back and forth to each other. Each time she handed me the cloth, I said, “Thank you!” and she gave a delighted grin and belly laugh before reaching out to ask for the cloth again. This was one of the best conversations I’ve ever had, bar none.

Emma, I know that it’s not always easy, but try to trust that together with your son you will get to where you want to be (eventually). Try to look at the struggles as opportunities instead of problems. Remember that this is all a part of the process, and the building of a relationship and conversation that will last a lifetime. It takes time. Try to remember to slow down, and don’t forget to laugh when you can. Because the alternative is frustration for both of you, and who needs that? I promise you, if you stick with it, there will come a day (and soon), when you will experience the joy of a reciprocal conversation with your boy, much like the one I had with R the other night, and I’d love to hear about it when it happens!

RIE From The Start- 2 Simple Things You Can Do to Support Baby

“Slow down, and then slow down some more. Indicate, and tell even a child who doesn’t understand verbal communication yet, “I’m going to pick you up.” And then comes my magic word. If people only remember that one word: Wait. Then you wait and the child gives a signal, most likely. It depends on the age. And then that means,”Aha. the penny dropped, I understand. I’m ready.” Then you pick up the child.

Very few people do that. Most people grab, and they pick up very fast as if they are picking the child up out of a fire. Everybody always rescues. I tell the mothers, “Imagine a giant comes who is much taller, stronger, bigger, and grabs you and you don’t even know what will happen to you. It’s scary. So, slow down. Give yourself time. Tell your child what you are going to do. Wait for a little response.” Magda Gerber

The inspiration for this post came from a recent conversation that occurred in as unlikely a place and with as unlikey a person as I could have ever imagined. I was in a courthouse in Delray Beach, Florida, talking with the State’s attorney. She asked for my contact information. I handed her my business card. She looked at it briefly, and then said, “What is it you do anyway?” “I work to support and educate parents to understand and enjoy their babies more, and to feel more confident and relaxed in their parenting role.” “How exactly do you do that?” “I write a blog, do personal consultations by phone or in person, and offer play groups for babies and their parents.” “Can I ask you a question?” “Sure.”

“My son and his wife are living with us. They have a new baby who is just 4 months old. We’re a close family. But I wonder… The baby cries and cries. It’s been a long time since I had my babies. I know babies cry, but I don’t remember mine crying so much. I worry because our household is very chaotic. There’s a lot of noise, a lot of activity, and a lot of people coming and going. The baby’s mom and dad hold him a lot, which sometimes calms him, but lately, when they put him down after he falls asleep, he wakes crying even harder, and can’t be calmed. Is there anything we can do to support him more?”

And there was my cue.

No matter what your circumstances, no matter how chaotic the environment, no matter if you’ve heard of RIE or not, there are two simple things you can do to support your baby in adjusting more easily to his world. You can slow down and listen, (or observe), which will help you to begin to understand what your baby may be trying to tell you he needs, and you can talk with your baby, which will help him to make sense of his world, and to understand you.

It can be helpful to understand that all babies cry. This is a baby’s primary form of communication. A baby’s cry is meant to elicit a response. Some will cry more, some less. This may be due in part to a baby’s personality, environment, and/or birth circumstances. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with the baby or the parent. Most likely, the baby is crying because his system is immature, and it takes a good 3-4 months for him to adjust to being here on earth. In the early months, babies are settling, and everything is new and overwhelming to them. How we respond makes a difference in what they learn and how they experience us and their world.

Recognize that a simple change in position, from being snuggled in arms to being placed down in a crib for sleep, can be experienced in the baby’s body like a small earthquake, especially if it happens when they are asleep, and they’ve had no warning. So, it’s best to put the baby down when he is relaxed and drowsy, but not yet asleep, and to do this as slowly and gently as possible, and AFTER you have told him you are going to put him down (even if he has fallen asleep in your arms first).

Sometimes, you may be able to determine a cause for the crying, and act to alleviate the discomfort. He may be hungry, wet, tired, too hot or too cold, and feeding, changing, reducing stimulation and/or putting him down to sleep, or adding or subtracting layers of clothing may soothe and comfort him, and the crying will abate. It doesn’t hurt to tell him you are trying to understand, and to ask him why he is crying, or what he may need.

But sometimes, you may not be able to discern a reason for the tears, and no matter what you do, the crying may continue. Knowing and understanding that this is normal and natural can go a long way towards supporting both babies and their tired, overwhelmed parents. When your baby cries, take a moment to pause, listen, and do your best to try to understand what your baby is telling you.

“So then what?” Get into the habit of talking with your baby from early on, even if it feels odd, even if you don’t think he can understand or respond. (Recent research tells us that babies as young as two months old DO know, understand, and anticipate our intentions.) Tell him what to expect, and what you will do, before you do it, and then, pause and wait for his response. (Some parents have reported that silently counting to 10, before moving on, helps them to pause and slow down to wait for the baby’s response.)

These two simple things- slowing down, and getting into the habit of talking with your baby and letting him know what to expect, will make a world of difference in his experience and yours. If you do this from the beginning, you will be establishing a relationship, communication, and trust that will last a lifetime, and serve to support both you and your baby now, and as he grows. Try it, and see if it makes a difference!

Trusting Baby To Be A Problem Solver

“Trust your baby’s competence: she wants to do things for herself, and she can do things for herself. You also know that your child does need help, but try to provide just that little amount of help that allows the child to take over again. Let her be the initiator and problem solver. We can look at life as a continuation of conflicts or problems. The more often we have mastered a minute difficulty, the more capable we feel the next time.” Magda Gerber

There’s a scene in Magda’s film, On Their Own With Our Help, that I’ve always loved. A baby gets stuck under a table, and is upset and crying. Magda doesn’t move the table, pull the baby out, or pick the baby up, but instead gets down under the table and talks to the baby, who is able to crawl out on his own. She then stays with him and comforts him until he’s calmer, and ready to move on.

Magda explains had she moved the table or simply picked the baby up, she would be depriving him of the opportunity to participate in the problem solving. Since the baby was in no real danger, she didn’t want to “rescue” him and send the message that he was completely helpless. She said, ” He did the crawling out on his own. I just helped show him the way.”

Self confidence, problem solving, competence, body and spatial awareness, resilience, trust, and language development. All of these grow and are strengthened through everyday interactions like this one.

We had a reenactment here the other day, when R., eleven and a half months old, rolled under the bed, got stuck, and started calling for me to help her:

I’m no expert with the camera, so forgive the shakiness, but there’s no mistaking the look of pleasure and pride R. experiences when she figures out what she needs to do, and does it, all on her own, with just a little support from me.

“The happiest, most self-confident babies are those who are respected as innately capable, encouraged to be active participants in their care (and life), and allowed to be achievers whenever possible.” Janet Lansbury

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