Category: Daily Life

It IS Possible To Discipline Children Effectively Without Shame- A Very Personal Post

One of the things I appreciate about social media is the opportunity to connect with so many wonderful people, and to learn so much from them. One of the ways I connect and learn is through participating in chats on twitter. There are chats on any number of subjects on any given day, and each chat has it’s own purpose and feel. Chats can range from light and informal, to serious and educational. All chats provide a great opportunity to network, and interact with a number of others who have an interest in the same subject matter. #pschat is one  I participate in on a fairly regular basis (as my work with children allows). It is hosted by the lovely Lela Davidson who is the author of Blacklisted From The PTA, and editor of the parenting squad site.

The majority of the women (and a few men) who participate in the chat  are parents, and the topic each week varies, but it usually centers around a  current “hot button issue”  in parenting. The conversation is lively, and the tone is often lighthearted and funny, and I’ve made some lovely connections. Most of all,  I enjoy “listening in” and hearing from parents regarding their honest thoughts on their parenting challenges and joys. As is my wont, I often play devil’s advocate and bring my own unique point of view to the arena.

This week, the topic and the conversation took a  more serious turn than usual, as the discussion centered on a news story that has been making the rounds recently. The story is about Jessica Beagley, more commonly referred to as the “Hot Sauce Mom.”  She lives in Alaska with her children, two of them adopted from Russia. In this segment, which aired on national television, and was filmed by her daughter, Jessica  punishes her seven year old son for misbehaving at school and lying about it, by washing his mouth out with  hot sauce,  and forcing  him to take a cold shower. Jessica is now being investigated for and charged with child abuse.

Needless to say, there were strong reactions and varying opinions on this topic, and the conversation quickly veered toward this general question: “What are effective ways to discipline children?”  Everyone  participating in the conversation seemed to agree that it is necessary to “teach” discipline, but there was disagreement as to the  best approach, with some advocating for the use of “judicious” spanking, others for  time out,  some for consequences such as the removal of  TV and computer privileges, and still others advocating for more gentle and respectful ways of instilling discipline.

It was clear that we weren’t all going to reach an agreement, but to me, that’s fine. What is important, as far as I’m concerned, is that the conversation is taking place. As my friend Suchada says, “The more people talk, the more the word is out there. It’s the only way change will happen.”  One Mom, who is a believer in spanking as a form of teaching discipline, ended up asking those of us who believed discipline was possible without spanking for resources that gave alternative (effective) ways to discipline children. My final comment, which was passed on by many was this: “We’ve GOT to separate “discipline” from physical punishment, and shame. You can accomplish one without the other!”

Lela concluded with a question to me which inspired this post: ” How do you instill authority? Because at some point the kid has to STOP when you say so, instead of running in the street.” There is no answer to Lela’s question that can be given in 140 characters, which is what one is limited to on twitter. It so happens I wrote a series of posts on the topic a few years ago (before anyone knew I even had a blog). So, over the course of this week, I am going to share those posts,  but I am also going to be writing some new ones on the topic, because this chat made me realize that I have more to say about disciplining children, and the story of the “Hot Sauce Mom” made me realize that parents really need (more) support and specific guidance regarding how to accomplish their goal of teaching children to behave in socially acceptable ways, without using physical punishment or shame.

My goal is to support families and teachers of young children to find ways to discipline that are both respectful to the child, and that work! I want to be clear that I’m not coming from a place of judgment, nor am I a (self proclaimed) expert. I believe people love their children, and  do the very best they can as parents (even Hot Sauce Mom) given their own childhood and life experiences. I also believe that there are effective ways to discipline children that don’t involve using  physical punishment, instilling fear, threatening disconnection, shaming, or intimidating them. Not only do I believe this, I know it to be true, based on my (ongoing) education, personal observation, and professional practice and experience.
#99 a child crying
Why am I so passionate about sharing this message, information, and resources for alternatives to physical punishment as a means to discipline? The answer  is borne out of my own experience as a child. I was disciplined in very traditional ways: “Do as I say, not as I do.”  “If you don’t follow the rules, you will be punished.”  I was bribed to be “good” – “You won’t get xyz if you behave like that.” “You’ll get $5.00 for every  ‘A”  on your report card.”  “You won’t get dessert if you don’t eat all your dinner.”  “Why can’t you be more like your sister?”  I was shamed, and told I was a “bad child,”  when I did “wrong,”  and I was hit with a wooden spoon for general “disobedience,”  slapped across the face for being “fresh” and sassing back, and I  had my mouth washed out with soap for saying bad words.

I am forty eight years old, and I still  remember the pain (both emotional and physical) and the outrage I felt when these “punishments” were meted out. I both loved and feared (and sometimes hated) my parents.  The message I received and internalized was this one: “I am inherently bad.”  I learned to be outwardly compliant, and to cover my tracks and lie very well. (In fact, much to my embarrassment, I was voted “Best Alibi Artist”  my senior year of high school.)  I also learned to be dependent on outside evaluation, and  to look outside of myself  to decide how to conduct myself  and how to live my life, as opposed to developing an inner moral compass to use as a guide. As  I shared during the chat, the way my parents chose to discipline me… “may have kept me out of trouble as a kid, but  kept me in therapy for most of my adult life.”  (My brother and sister didn’t fare as well. My sister committed suicide at the age of fifteen. My brother is still alive, but lost to his addiction to alcohol and drugs.)

Please understand that I love my parents, and I know and believe that they love me. I understand they did their very best to raise me (and my sister and brother) in the only way they knew how, and the way they thought would ensure my happiness and success in life. This is not about blaming or bashing anyone- least of all my parents. In fact, I believe I have my parents to thank for leading me to study with Magda Gerber, and to my ultimate passion, which is the work I do to support children and families. I believe my experiences as a child have also helped  to make me a less judgmental, more compassionate person, in general. (I’d just like to see more children get to where I am today, with a little more joy and ease, and a little less shame, and I’d like the same for parents!)

I’d like to end this post with two questions that I hope you will respond to, so that I can make the next posts I write as empowering and helpful to you as possible: 1) What is (or should be) the goal of discipline? 2) What is your biggest challenge, fear, or question when it comes to teaching your child discipline?

 

 

Changing Perceptions On Changing Diapers

Diaper Changing

It seems ad executives are always dreaming up new ways to sell the same old thing; trying to capture a larger part of the market share. Diapers are big business, and it seems once parents have found a brand that works for them, they are pretty loyal to that brand, which can make it tough to convince them to try something new. I understand ad executives have got a job to do, and I don’t argue with their right to do it. A common way to sell consumers on something  is to use humor, and to try to show them how buying a certain product or service will solve a problem they are having. I understand the approach, but don’t appreciate it when babies  are perceived as the “problem,” and  the humor comes at their expense.

Huggies brand (Kimberly Clark) diapers is at it again. They are launching a new ad campaign today to sell  “Little Movers” Slip On Diapers-essentially a more absorbent “pull up” diaper, with Velcro tabs along the sides. These “new” diapers are intended to make it easier for parents to change wiggly, or active babies. It’s not the product I have a  problem with, it’s the way babies are  are referred to in the ad that I take exception to. The terms used to describe the “problem” babies? “Rolling Pins,” ” Acrobutts,”  “Streakers,” and  “Booty Scoochers.”  The ad slogan?  “Catch. Slip On. Release.”  Chris Turner, a creative director at Ogilvy,  who worked on the campaign had this to say about the slogan:

“At times, these kids can be like little wild animals and you just want to catch the little guy, quickly do your change, and then do your release. It really is just a more clever way of communicating ‘as easy as 1-2-3.’ ”

Really, Mr. Turner??? Little wild animals???  Simply  a  clever way of communicating  ‘as easy as 1-2-3.’ ??? I pity your child. I’d like to suggest to you that human babies are not little wild animals, nor are they objects, and they don’t deserve to be made the “butt” of jokes by “clever” ad executives such as yourself . Further, diapering a baby should have nothing in common with fishing at all,  as implied by the  ‘Catch and Release’ campaign tag line.

Let me suggest that the “help” parents might need transforming difficult diaper changing times into more enjoyable experiences for both adult and baby, doesn’t come from the particular diaper they buy or use, but from the  attitude and sensitivity they bring to the task at hand.

Magda Gerber had this to say about diapering:

How many times do you think a baby gets diapered? Six or seven thousand times. Why don’t we do it nicely? Why don’t we make it a learning experience? Why don’t we want a baby to enjoy being diapered? Diapering is  very important. Diapering is sometimes viewed as an unpleasant chore… a time separate from play and learning.  But in the process of diapering we should remember that we are not only doing the cleaning, we are intimately together with the child. We are all affected, negatively or positively, by cumulative experiences in our lives. One of the first such cumulative experiences is diapering, involving much of the child’s and parent’s time and energy during those first, most impressionable two to three years of the child’s life. While being diapered, the baby is close to the parent and can see her face, feel her touch, hear her voice, observe her gestures, and learn to anticipate and know her.

In How to Love a Diaper Change, Janet Lansbury gives tips for turning a diaper change into an enjoyable, connected time for baby and parent. I don’t know about you, but I think if I was a baby I’d appreciate being changed by someone who approached me with some sensitivity and respect, and saw and treated me as a person, instead of an object. I might be more able and willing to co-operate if I was included in the process, instead of having something done to me. I think babies pick up on, and respond  to our attitudes and approach to them, and if we act like we are in a rush to get through an unpleasant chore, they may respond in kind.

Won’t you join me in defending and speaking up on behalf of babies who can’t speak for themselves? What are your thoughts on Huggies newest ad campaign, and Magda Gerber’s ideas about diapering babies with respect?

Five Good Reasons to Hand Your Car Keys Over to Your Toddler

Have you ever had an  idea come to you out of  the blue; an idea so obvious and simple, that you can’t believe no one has thought of it before? An idea you can’t wait to share with anyone who will listen, because you just know it will change the world for the better, and if not that, at least it can’t do much harm? Well I had one of those flashes today, and I am just itching to share, so here goes: I think this just may be the next “big thing” in parenting and educating babies and toddlers, the piece that has been missing and without  which our babies and toddlers aren’t faring nearly as well as they might. Are you ready to hear what this missing piece is? It is simply this: We should be encouraging and teaching our babies to drive as soon as they are sitting up on their own. Just think about it for a minute before you dismiss my idea out of hand. Here are five good reasons to begin drivers education before your child is even out of diapers.

The Young and The Reckless
1) First of all, driving is a complex skill that most people will need to learn in order to survive and thrive in our industrialized, highly mobile society. So it makes sense to introduce your child to the basics early. You want her to grow familiar and comfortable with this tool she will be using for the rest of her life. The earlier you introduce her,  the better. Of course, you aren’t going to just hand the keys over and leave her to her own devices; you’ve got to take it slow in the beginning. At first, you must always be present to supervise, guide, and interact. You can begin by just allowing your baby to sit in the driver’s seat, and let him practice playing with all of  the various knobs and buttons so he can see what they can do. (I  am, of course, writing a book, available soon on the e-reader of your choice, suitable  for use by parents and educators. It will be full of suggested guidelines, lesson plans, extended learning opportunities, books and games, and so much more, all intended to help you make the most of this overlooked but wonderful learning tool  that you no doubt have sitting in your driveway at this very moment.)

2) Which brings me to my second point: Cars are the ideal, interactive teaching and entertainment tools for young toddlers. Have you ever known a baby who doesn’t love to sit behind the wheel of a car,  honk the horn, fiddle with the radio controls, turn the wipers on and off, shift the gears, and so on? Toddlers learn through hands on interaction with objects in their environment, and they are thrilled when their actions cause things to happen. What better way to provide hours of interactive learning (disguised as play) for your little one? Also, to date, your baby has been a passive on-looker, as she’s been strapped in a car seat in the back, and has had nothing to do but bide her time, and stare out at the scenery during long car rides. By moving her to the front seat, and letting her get her hands on all of these wonderfully responsive knobs and buttons, you are moving her into the realm of an active participant in her own learning.

3) Think about this too: As your child grows, and her interests and skills grow, so does the number and variety of activities she can do, using the car. She can learn to put the keys in the ignition, and turn over the engine,  and as soon as she can reach the gas pedals and brake, she can actually take the car out for a spin. Steering, navigating, map skills,  plotting a course, reading road signs, following the rules of the road, oh gosh- the possibilities for expanded learning are just endless. She may even become interested in car care, and maintenance and learn to understand the workings of an engine. Some children will even be designing their own prototypes by the time they’re in elementary school.

4) Again, with so many learning opportunities, doesn’t it just make sense to introduce the car early? It seems to me the earlier we start teaching our babies how to operate and care for a car, the better chance they will have at becoming proficient drivers at a much earlier age. And just think about how this might benefit you as a parent. No more endless hours spent in the car, ferrying children back and forth to school, to doctor appointments, lessons, playdates – what have you.  By the time they’re about ten years old, children should be able to manage mostly on their own, and even arrange their own carpools. You can finally take a well deserved break, and they can feel the satisfaction of being able to get themselves to and from where they want to go- it will literally open up new worlds for them, at a much younger age than previously.

5) Finally, it’s time that we as a society stop underestimating our children, and what they are capable of. If we treat them like babies, incapable of  understanding and mastering complex tasks, they will continue to act like babies. Times change, and the way we teach our children has to change with the times. Children will still have plenty of time to run around outside, and generally act like children, as long as we remember that we are the ones in control of the keys, and we limit the time we allow them to spend in the car playing and practicing their driving skills.  But, if we are going to show our toddlers that we have any respect for them, that we believe in them and their capabilities, we’ve got to start giving them access to opportunities and tools that will  stretch their horizons, at an early age. We don’t want them falling behind, do we? Besides, who needs toys when you can just hand your baby the keys to the car and make him happy for hours?

Now, I can imagine that there may be a few of you out there who are still unconvinced. Innovative ideas are always met with some skepticism and resistance at first, but I’m sure that this one is a winner. I’d love to have the opportunity to be the first to hear and reply to your concerns and questions. I have no doubt I can help to allay any fears or misgivings you may have, so please, comment freely and honestly.

Talking to Grandparents
(Now that I’ve convinced you all that I’ve gone completely nuts, go back and re-read this post, inserting the word “computer” wherever I’ve written car or driving. I wrote this post tongue firmly in cheek, after reading a tweet by Lisa Belkin,  “Remember when toddlers used to be transfixed by your car keys? Ipad apps for Toddlers????”  I thought, “Toddlers are better off with the car keys…”  Most parents and early childhood educators would never think of handing a toddler the car keys, leading  him to the car and saying “OK, here you go, have at it”,  yet we might not think twice about handing a baby an iPhone or an iPad,  for entertainment or learning purposes.  There are marketers (no surprise), and there are  even some early childhood professionals who advocate for the use of  screen technology with our youngest children, but I can’t get behind this agenda. For a thoughtful exploration and discussion of the topic, you might want to look at this post at Childhood 101 , Why I don’t want to share my lap top (with my children.  Additionally, this post , entitled the Mind/Body Problem, written by Susan Lin, of  Commercial Free Childhood makes a compelling argument for why we should all be advocating for limits on screen time for young children. Susan’s post was written in response to NAEYC’s  (National Association For The Education of Young Children) proposed technology position statement, which is being updated this year, and is meant to guide early childhood educators in the use of technology in early childhood classrooms. Technology is here to stay. Computers are wonderful tools- for adults. Children can and will learn to use computers, just as they learn to drive cars, and they won’t be missing out on anything by waiting until they are developmentally ready. I don’t believe they are ready until they are well out of their toddler years. In my opinion, children younger than say, the age of eight, have more to lose by engaging with screens,  than they stand to gain. What are your thoughts?)

On The Way To Independence

Note: This post was originally published as a note on Regarding Baby’s Facebook page on Sunday, December 26, 2010.

Kathleen atamoment2think recently wrote a post entitled, “Another fun toddler stage: Up?! Up?!” that started me thinking about toddlers with all of their conflicting wants, needs, and emotions. It can be  both wonderful and hard to live with, love,  and  nurture a toddler. Kathleen’s post reminded  of a song- one that I call the “We” song. The lyrics are simple. The words,  “Me, Me, Me, You, You, You, We, We, We, Yes, Yes, Yes, No, No, No, Maybe, Maybe, Maybe,” alternate throughout, and the song ends “I love you.”

reach out

This song seems like a good reminder that in any relationship, there are always two people, two points of view,  and sometimes, conflicting wants and needs. Ideally, in the adult/child dyad, adults are always seeking to understand and validate a child’s feelings , without sacrificing their own needs to the point of feeling resentful, angry, or just too depleted to give anymore. It’s about finding that sweet, peaceful place where we can rest together comfortably and safely – momentarily anyway.

Toddlers often have big emotions, and sometimes, big wants and  needs. They aren’t yet ready or able to take the point of view or empathize with others, at least not often or consistently! Some days, loving them can be exhausting. Being a good parent or teacher does not mean giving in to a toddler’s every demand. In fact, it can be more loving (and necessary) to say “No” at times, even if that means a crying child in the short term.

Crying Angie

What I hope to help parents (and others) understand is that we offer children a gift when are honest, and clear with them about our limitations and boundaries within the context of the trusting relationship we have with them. Magda Gerber said, “In the beginning, we co-operate more with the the baby. Slowly, and over time, we ask for more co-operation and understanding from them.”

I think raising  babies to become loving, co-operative, thoughtful, giving, children and adults who are able to articulate their needs and wants clearly, while also understanding that there are two in a relationship, begins with me, you, yes, no, and sometimes-maybe.  That and  trying to keep a good sense of humor through all of the ups and downs on the way to “We.”  What do you think?

 

Little Things

“Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”
— Antonio Smith

Today was a gorgeous, warm spring day, and J. begged to go out back to play after weeks of being cooped up indoors due to lots of rain. I sat nearby and watched as J. (who is now two years and two months old) played in his water table. I was treated to a view of the world through his eyes, as time seemed to slow down, and I found myself noticing and appreciating the smallest details. J. was completely absorbed in the activity of scooping up a cup of a water, pouring it into a funnel,  and watching the water stream out the other end. He repeated this sequence of events again and again.

At one point, he picked up a golf ball, and dropped it into the top of the funnel, and then looked at the bottom of the funnel expectantly. When the ball didn’t come out the bottom, he looked over at me with a slightly perplexed expression, and shrugged his shoulders.

He then poured another cup of water into the funnel, and grinned when it came out the bottom of the funnel, but dripping instead of flowing, because the ball was partially blocking the flow of the water.

As he was experimenting like this, a plane flew overhead. Planes are of great interest to J., likely because heaeroplane.‘s been on one several times to visit his Nanny, and also because his Nanny is coming to visit him again soon, and we’ve been talking with him about her visit. Usually he yells, “Plane! Nanny?”, and waves when he sees one.

Today J. looked up, pointed to the plane and said “Plane.” I responded, “Yes, I see the plane too!” He nodded, and went back to scooping and pouring water, with the words, “Plane.One.” A few minutes later, another plane flew overhead. J. again excitedly located and pointed to the plane, shouting, “Plane! Two!” I acknowledged, “Yes there is another plane!”

Well, wouldn’t you know, not five minutes later, another plane passed overhead ? J. couldn’t contain his excitement or delight. His whole body seemed to reach to the sky to point out what to him amounted to the eighth wonder of the world. “Plane! Many!” he declared, at full volume. I smiled a big smile. “Can you believe it, three planes in a row?” Yup, planes, many!

Ouch! Baby Bites While Nursing

I had a question today from a young Mom asking if I could guide her to some information about gentle and effective ways to respond to her baby who has started biting while breastfeeding.

Kathy first posed her question on a discussion board, which led to a lively discussion with conflicting opinions about what she should do, (none of which felt quite right to her) including the suggestion that she should “flick” her baby’s nose so the baby would learn to associate the pain with the biting, and therefore be less likely to bite in the future. This prompted another participant in the forum to ask if a four month old baby was too young to learn from having her nose “flicked” and yet another to ask,  “What if the baby only bites when she’s asleep?”

 Nursing Time

I am not a lactation consultant or expert, yet I can say without hesitation that “flicking” a baby’s nose in order to cause pain, thus”teaching” her not to bite while breastfeeding, is not a gentle, respectful way to approach the situation, and I doubt that it’s very effective, anyway.

Babies are not able to take the viewpoint of another, and so don’t yet understand that their actions may cause another person pain. This understanding develops slowly over time. In my opinion, “flicking” a four month old baby’s nose to “teach” her not to bite could be considered mildly abusive.

Babies learn in the context of loving, trusting relationships with patient, caring adults. To be sure, this does not mean that a Mom should have to quietly endure her baby’s bite, as innocent or exploratory as it might be, but the solution is not to inflict pain on the baby in return.

In the case of a baby who only bites when she is asleep, the solution is simple: Remove (or unlatch) the baby from your breast  before the baby falls asleep, or as soon as you notice the baby has fallen asleep. If baby has filled her tummy, and is now drowsing off, it’s best to allow her to fall asleep without using your breast as a “pacifier”. (Very young babies may fall asleep at the breast more quickly and easily, but if they are still hungry, they will rouse with a change of position and resume vigorous nursing.)

In terms of Magda Gerber’s teachings about breastfeeding, she recognized feeding times as intimate, connected times, and also as “learning” times for babies. She urged Moms to minimize distractions, focus on baby, and pay close attention to their cues whenever or however feeding a baby – by breast, bottle, or spoon. She also encouraged Moms to separate a baby’s need for nourishment from a baby’s need or desire to suckle for comfort. For more on Magda Gerber’s approach to feeding babies in attuned, respectful ways from the very beginning, I refer you to Janet Lansbury’s wonderful, informative post,  Mindful Mouthfuls -Helping Our Babies Learn Healthy Eating.

The question remains- what are  gentle but effective ways to discourage a baby from biting while breastfeeding? I like some of the information and guidelines offered by Kelly Bonyata, BS, IBCLC  who suggests several reasons why a baby may be biting (not hungry, boredom, experimentation, teething, or asking for Mom to pay (more) attention, among others).

Depending on the age of your baby, and the  circumstances in which she is biting, there are a number of possible solutions. Kelly notes that a baby who is actively nursing is not able to bite, and also discusses ways to help Mom and baby adjust the latch when baby is not biting, but Mom is uncomfortable due to pressure from baby’s teeth.

I’d love it if any of you who have had experience with your baby biting during breastfeeding would share your thoughts or solutions with Kathy (and me) below.

 

 

 

 

 

On Crying and Fussiness

Fussy babies are either annoying or “poor little thing” depending on if they are related to you.

My friend Kaylia (proud Auntie) made this astute observation and posted it on Facebook the other day, which resulted in a number of interesting and (some) humorous comments.

It’s common and understandable that loving and caring adults (both parents and others) often react to a baby’s cries and/or fussiness in one of the above ways, depending on the circumstances. Underneath the expression of “poor little thing”, or the expression of irritation and perplexity, as the case may be, often exists the desire to soothe or “help” the baby in some way, in order to stop the crying, and make the baby feel better. But I don’t think it’s always possible or desirable to try to soothe or distract a crying or fussy baby.

My response to Kaylia’s observation:

Can’t help it. Let me offer another point of view regarding a fussy baby! When a baby is fussy or crying, I don’t think, “Annoying” OR “Poor little thing.” Instead, I wonder about what the baby might be trying to express, and I try to “listen” very closely to understand what she might be trying to say, in order to be able to respond to her in a helpful way. Sometimes there is nothing we can do to ease the fussing, and it’s just a matter of being present with a baby, and letting them know we hear them.

Little babies have feelings, and things to say, and can also have bad days,  just like us. We wouldn’t like to be responded to in a condescending or patronizing way if we were having a hard time, so why respond to a baby as if they are either completely helpless, and in need of rescuing or pity, or on the other hand, as if they are a bother because we are frustrated by not being able to understand their way of communicating, and are unable to make them stop fussing?

Maybe the best any of us can do for babies (or for each other) is to be willing to listen,  try to understand, and offer help IF we can. I wonder if parents and caregivers would feel less frustration as well, if they let go of the idea that it was somehow up to them to solve the problem for the baby, or make the baby happy?

Just some food for thought.Smile

“Maybe She Was Just Practicing”

We were all at the dinner table the other night, when the conversation turned to the subject of “truth telling.” S. who is now 5 years old, has been known to experiment with stretching the truth a bit at times in recent months, which prompted her Dad to tell her the story of “The Little Shepherd Girl Who Cried Wolf.” Now, her Dad asked her if she remembered the story, and if she could tell us what happened. S. said “Well, the little shepherd girl kept calling “Wolf” when there wasn’t really a wolf, and then when there really was a wolf, and she called for help, no-one believed her, and no-one came to help, and that was big trouble for the sheep.” S. was quiet for a moment, and her Dad asked what she thought the story meant. Without missing a beat, S. replied, “Well, I think maybe the shepherd girl was just practicing.” I love this child, and the way she thinks!

I Don’t Want To Yell, I Say- Guest Post by Clara

“I don’t want to yell.”

I take a deep breath and look into his eyes. They are blue, bright blue, and red, bloodshot red, from the crying.

“It’s just that…”

…are you apologizing or not?
…yes, but I want to explain
…he knows why you’re mad. He wants you to stop.
…then he should stop doing things that make me mad!
…he wants to see how far he can push you, whether you’ll still love him, whether you’ll lose control.
…obviously!
…so who cares why you’re mad? It’s irrelevant.
…I have to explain myself. I have to explain why!
…no you don’t. You don’t. He is not an adult. He is a child. The information he needs is simple. He doesn’t need to know any of this. You talk too much. You think too much. You talk about what you think and think about what you say, too much.

“I’m sorry.I know you’re scared.
I will try to yell less.
I love you.”

He smiles.
“OK.”

We start again.

 Hands

The above words were penned by Clara, who hails from Canada. Clara is a writer, and a mother to two boys, ages two and four. You can find her and read more of her very wonderful writing at The Cheeseblog .

I am so grateful to Clara for granting me permission to reprint her thoughts here. I came across this post unexpectedly, and was moved to tears by the honest expression of Clara’s struggle as she tried to find a way to re-connect with her son after having lost her patience with him.

No matter how much you love them, or what your intentions are, it can sometimes be impossible to remain calm and patient when caring for your young children. As a parent, you will make mistakes. You will not be perfect. There will be times when your words or actions may cause hurt. You can count on those things, because making mistakes is part of being human.

The good news is this: perfection is not required or necessary in order to be a good, and loving parent and role model. What is required is a willingness to be honest, say you made a mistake, apologize (briefly!) and be willing to start again.

There will be times during your parenting journey when a break occurs in your relationship with your child, but if you are committed to trying again, you can find a way to build a bridge back to your child, and you may be surprised to find him waiting right there to meet you half way.

What A Toddler Knows: There Are No Mistakes

Last week as I listened to my business coaching call, I found myself rushing to scribble down some words of wisdom that particularly spoke to me. Ryan was talking about the fact that all highly successful business people and leaders have some traits in common: namely that they are unafraid to take bold action, and they see taking imperfect action as better than taking no action at all.

Successful people don’t view mistakes as failure, but rather as information and learning opportunities.There is an element of playfulness to their approach, and a willingness to keep moving forward in the face of obstacles.

For some reason, this made me think of J., probably because at 21 months of age, he is the embodiment of these principles in action. Have you ever noticed that toddlers seem to approach most everything in life with gusto? They just live full out, and go for what they want. They don’t let inexperience or lack of knowing how stop them. They may encounter obstacles along the way, and they may literally run into walls and experience frustration, but most of the time they don’t give up. The difference between a lot of adults and most toddlers is that adults have often forgotten what they used to know as young children- which is that mistakes don’t equal failure.

Let me paint you a word picture that illustrates: J. literally spent hours last week trying to conquer climbing up onto the coach by himself, which is no small feat for someone who is barely taller than the 18 inches he had to scale to make it up on his own.

Now, what was interesting to me was that this was a self chosen challenge, and one he could have achieved easily by moving his small plastic step stool close to the couch and using it as a tool to boost him up, which he knows how to do, and had done many times before.Nope, that would be far too easy. He wanted a new challenge.

So I stood patiently by, and refrained from giving direction, suggestions, or a hand up, while he struggled valiantly to figure out how to conquer the climb up to the coach. He tried several techniques that just didn’t work. There was a lot of grunting, and sometimes he stopped and turned to me to complain. I acknowledged that he seemed to be working hard, and that it wasn’t easy. This seemed to be all he needed to carry on.

Eventually, he achieved his goal. I wish you could have seen the look of joy in his eyes when he turned to me with a big grin, as if to say, “Look, I did it.” Was he content to have achieved his goal? Yes, but he wasn’t content to rest on his laurels. No sooner had I returned his smile than he went scrabbling down to try again, and again, and again, and again, and…. until he had perfected his technique. I could only marvel at his determination and perseverance.

This is why I love being in the company of toddlers. My wish for J. is that he will always be so self motivated and persistent and take such pleasure in his learning. And my wish for myself and any adult that may have forgotten that mistakes are just opportunities to try again, is that we always have a toddler around to remind us of this truth!