“This little light of mine- I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.”
Or as sung by S. when she was two years old: “This little light of mine-lemon shine, lemon shine, lemon shine.”
Either way, let your light shine today!
Category: Daily Life
What Is RIE Anyway?
“What is RIE anyway, and what it it all about ? I’ve heard that it is sort of cult like, that it is “hands off” parenting, that RIE believes in letting babies cry and not helping them… How can any of this be good for children ? Babies are vulnerable and need their parents to take care of them, hold them, and comfort them- otherwise, how will they learn to feel safe and loved ?”
This question was in my in-box this morning. Myths, misunderstandings, and misconceptions abound, so I thought I’d try to clarify.
The simple response is that RIE stands for Resources For Infant Educarers, which represents both the philosophy of infant care that Magda Gerber began introducing to parents and caregivers in the United States beginning in the 1970’s, as well the non-profit organization she founded, through which parenting classes and professional trainings are offered.
RIE emphasizes caring for infants with Respect for their unique needs, as well as their unique strengths and capabilities. Magda wanted us to look at babies not as needy little unformed lumps who are completely dependent on adults for everything, but as competent little beings in their own right, capable of being full and active participants in their own growth and development from the very beginning.
By the way, the concept of respect refers not to just what babies need and want, but what parents need and want as well. More about this later.
Educarer is a term Magda coined which embodies the idea that adults educate or teach, and babies absorb, many lessons about themselves, their world, and how capable (or not) we perceive them to be, through our approach to daily activities like diapering, feeding, bathing, play and discipline. In other words, our attitudes and actions give the baby messages about how we see him or her, which s/he internalizes, which then influences what s/he learns, and who s/he becomes.
RIE seeks to answer the question of how to go about parenting or caring for very young children in ways that will allow them to become self confident, competent, capable, exploring , curious, contented, secure, focused, resourceful, peaceful, inner directed, involved, aware, self-initiating, cooperative, attentive, interested, and authentic children and adults. When you think about what you hope to achieve through your parenting doesn’t that about cover it.?
Research proves that babies learn first and best within the context of a nurturing relationship with a trusted adult or adults, and then when basic needs for food, rest, and nurturing are met, through their own exploration of the world around them.
Obviously there are many means to achieving an end and the RIE philosophy offers one way.RIE encourages starting with basic trust – a belief that your baby has the ability to initiate, explore,and learn within an environment that is physically safe and emotionally nurturing. Diapering and other care-giving activities are ideally carried out in a manner that allows and encourages your child’s active participation. Providing uninterrupted playtime, and the freedom to explore, combined with sensitive observation on the part of adults in order to understand what is needed and when, along with consistency, and clearly defined limits and expectations (discipline), round out the recommendations.
Are you beginning to see that RIE is in no way “hands off ” parenting” ? In fact the relationship and the development of a strong reciprocal (two way) relationship and communication between parent and child are at the crux of the philosophy. They may be tiny, but don’t underestimate what babies bring to the table !
Nowhere is there ever any mention of allowing a baby to cry without consolation. What you will find is the suggestion that when a baby cries, the adult should take a moment to stand back and ask, “What is my baby trying to tell me ? What does she need in this moment?” as opposed to rushing in and automatically reacting by shushing, pacifying, rocking, feeding, or distracting. The idea is that the cry sends a message, and without a doubt a response is called for – but what response ? I refer to this as being responsive rather than reactive in your parenting. It leaves a little room for taking a breath, listening, and responding in a thoughtful way. This practice alone brings a new calm to your parenting and strengthens your relationship and communication with your baby.
Here’s an example: Baby J. (10 months old) wakes from his nap crying. This is unusual for him, as he usually wakes happy and babbling. I look at the clock and see he’s slept for an hour, which is half an hour less than he usually sleeps. I decide not to go into his room immediately,because it’s possible he may need to go back to sleep, and if I walk in, I know this will further arouse and upset him. So I wait 5 minutes and listen. After 5 minutes, he doesn’t settle, so I go to him, and greet him. J. is standing in his crib, and crying a little bit. He quiets when he sees me. “Hi J., you woke up a little early today! I heard you crying. Do you want to come up (reaching my arms out to him) ?” J. reaches out for me and I pick him up and he snuggles into my shoulder. After a few minutes, he pulls back, looks at me, and grins, and starts to wiggle to get down. ” Hold on little guy, let’s check your diaper, before you go play. You woke up from your nap a little early and I want to make sure it’s not because you are wet and uncomfortable.” So we change his diaper, and he is indeed wet AND poopy which probably explains the early waking. Once he’s changed, he plays happily for awhile, until it gets close to his lunch time. After lunch, he goes for his second nap of the day about 15 minutes early because he is fussy, and uninterested in playing.
This simple interaction is a dance and a conversation between J. and me.How do I decide how and when to respond ? Notice I don’t just rush in when J. cries and scoop him up. Why? Because I know this baby, and I know he sometimes wakes early from his nap, but that if he hasn’t quite finished sleeping, he will often go back to sleep on his own within 5 minutes if I leave him be. If he doesn’t go back to sleep in 5 minutes, something is up – he needs a diaper change, or he’s teething for instance. I don’t offer a pacifier or try to lull him back to sleep by rubbing his back, rocking him, or offering a bottle. Why ? Because he doesn’t use a pacifier, and he goes to sleep in his crib unassisted. If he’s awake and standing up in his crib, he’s done sleeping . It’s also not a time when he usually eats or is hungry – so I don’t offer food as comfort- I offer snuggling instead. I suspect a diaper change is in order, but I don’t automatically rush to do this either, until J. indicates that he’s ready to move on.
If you can’t imagine a baby (your baby) going to sleep in his crib unassisted without nursing or a pacifier, waking happy and cheerful, eating and sleeping at predictable times, and playing happily on his own for periods of time without being entertained by you, let me suggest that this is the joy and the gift of the philosophy in action. J. is a secure, happy, capable, communicative, loving, engaging little person, and his parents and I are utilizing many aspects of the RIE philosophy in caring for and raising him.
The proof is in the pudding so to speak, and parents utilizing the philosophy often find that they are rewarded for their efforts with babies who are happier and more content.
The Greatest Gift
Well, I seem to be on a roll here, so I’m going to keep the momentum going and write another post. I’m off from work this week, and have the benefit of being without children so that I can actually reflect on what’s important in the day to day work of caring for and raising them. I realize this is a luxury most parents rarely, if ever, get. I hope to inspire you with my reflections.
Now that most of the holiday hustle and bustle has died down, and the presents have been bestowed, it seems like a good time to remind ourselves of the greatest gift we can give our children. This is the one that doesn’t cost anything, can’t be purchased from a store, doesn’t come in a box, can’t be opened, and the one our children most need, most benefit from, never tire of, and are most delighted by time and time again.
Have you guessed what the gift is ? It is the gift of our full, unhurried, time and attention. It is the easiest one for us to forget and lose sight of as we go about our busy days, doing everything that needs to be done to care for our children, and keep a home running smoothly. It is sometimes too easy to fall into the trap of “doing for” and “giving” ( in the material sense ) to our children.
What do you do if you realize you’ve gotten off track, or how do you start if this idea is new to you?
First, make or renew your commitment to try to slow down when you are with your child.
Begin by turning off the phone, the music, the computer, and the TV for short (and then maybe longer periods) of time everyday, and spend that time quietly observing your child at play. You can start with as little as 15 minutes a day.You don’t have to entertain your child, just be near him, and present with him, allowing him to take the lead in initiating contact, and in choosing what objects to play with and how to play with them. This is what Magda Gerber called “wants nothing” quality time.
You have no set agenda or expectations. You are simply bringing your full attention to your child. The benefits of practicing “wants nothing” quality time are enormous for both you and your child.You can begin practicing ” wants nothing” quality time with your new born baby- just lay a blanket on the floor, place the baby on the blanket, and sit down near her.Babies younger than three or four months don’t even need toys. Just watch what she pays attention to, and how she moves her body, or responds to your voice.
I have had parents report that it has changed their relationship with their child. Here are just a few of their reflections :
“I was surprised to find how much we both enjoyed this time together. I saw my baby in a whole new light. I wasn’t really aware of how capable she was before.”
“I started practicing “wants nothing quality time” with my two and four year old children first thing upon arriving home in the evening, at your suggestion. I was skeptical at first, but I was desperate. After a long day at work, I’d pick my children up from childcare, and our evenings were a nightmare, with the kids whiny, picking on each other, and competing for my attention. It was all I could do to get dinner made, give them baths, and get them to bed, without losing my sanity. I often resorted to yelling, and turning on the TV to quiet them down. I didn’t know how to turn this situation around. When you suggested that I let everything go, and spend the first half hour at home practicing “wants nothing quality time” with them, my first thoughts were “How am I going to find time do this?” It will never work.” But what I was doing wasn’t working either. Well it’s been a month now, and I’ve got to tell you that this has been the greatest gift I have ever given myself and my children. We all look forward to arriving home these days. Our evenings are much more peaceful. I really enjoy this time with my kids; it helps me to decompress from my day, and I feel so much closer to them. The kids are so much calmer, and more co-operative in the evenings, and we are all generally a lot happier, so thank you.”
If you are new to practicing being with your baby or child in this way, it can seem a little strange at first. You may feel you should be doing something or saying something, singing a song, or otherwise engaging your child, but the gift you are giving your child in refraining is the gift of unconditional positive regard – you are saying to her, “I’m interested in you and I want to be with you. I appreciate you just as you are. I’m interested in finding out about you, and how you experience the world.” Even little babies have personalities all their own, and by giving them a little space, we can come to see and appreciate their unique qualities and capabilities.
I will talk a little bit more tomorrow about creating a home environment to support you in your endeavors, as well as the opposite of “wants nothing” quality time – which is “wants something” quality time, which is another way to give our children the gift of our time and full attention.
It’s All OK
Last week there was a day at work that went something like this: Both children (one 4 year old and one 11 month old) were sick with colds and ear infections, there were dishes to be washed, the laundry was piled up to the sky, toys were strewn everywhere, the cat was complaining because she wanted to be fed, the fish was drowning in its own waste, it was time for S. to have her ear drops again- which required that she stay laying down and still for at least 15 minutes afterwards, which required that I sit with her and read to her, the baby needed to be coaxed to eat something (anything), it was pouring rain outside, the doorbell was ringing periodically as delivery men made holiday deliveries, cookies needed to be baked for the holiday party at S.’s preschool the next day, both children were cranky and competing for my attention, the baby’s diaper needed to be changed again, and on and on. I was feeling tired, overwhelmed, and frazzled. Not at all like Mary Poppins.Of course Mary Poppins had magic at her disposal, and I- well- I don’t.
So I really understood when my friend Amy, who is a stay at home Mom, called and related a similar tale of woe and desperation. ” I feel like I’m drowning and I don’t know what to do first.”
It’s days like this – which can sometimes turn into weeks- that can make you question your sanity and ask yourself why you ever thought you wanted to become a parent (or in my case, a caregiver), in the first place.It’s the little day to day challenges that can wear us out and wear us down.
It’s days like this that Magda’s Gerber’s words, “this too shall pass” come to mind. The challenge is to take a deep breath and stay focused as much as possible in the present moment, while trusting that soon – tomorrow or the next day, or maybe even 10 minutes from now (if a miracle occurs), things will feel and be better.
It helps me to start by saying to myself, “This is what is happening right now. How will I accept and make the best of it?” Because really, the idea that we have any control is an illusion, and I sometimes think that children were put on this earth to help teach some of us (me) this lesson!
It also helps to ask myself – sometimes moment to moment- “What is most important to do right now and what can wait?” Usually, by first calming myself, and then bringing full focus to each child in turn, I can find the way to proceed, and little by little, we move forward through the day together, in a more peaceful way than we might otherwise have.
A few other things that can help are: talking even briefly to someone who understands, and cultivating the ability to find and savor the small moments of joy and laughter that can occur on the worst of days.
For instance, we couldn’t go outside because of sickness and the rain on the day I described, but S. was restless, so I popped in a half hour kids yoga dvd, and we practiced the poses together while her brother watched us from his near by safe play area . The yoga dvd helped S. to burn off restless energy, and for some reason, the baby thought that we were just hilarious as we moved through the yoga poses, and was giggling away, which then made S. laugh, and me smile too.
It turns out while you can’t always control the circumstances, you can adjust your attitude and expectations and this can set a tone for the day- whatever it may bring. This may be one of the biggest challenges you face in caring for your children, but it may also bring the greatest rewards.
The Power of Words
Some people wouldn’t tell this story, but I am going to tell it , because I believe it’s instructive in the sense that it shows I’m human and capable of making mistakes, as we all are! Hopefully I’m learning from my mistakes as well!
I was driving S. home from pre-school earlier this week, and we were chatting as usual, while she sipped from her juice box and munched a snack.
S. started to play with the straw from her juice box, pulling it out and splashing little drops of juice around in the process. I unthinkingly said, “I hate it when you play with the straw from your juice box.”
S. replied, “Is it because it makes a mess, and then sometimes the straw gets lost, and then I get sad because I can’t drink my juice?”
Me- “Exactly.”
S.- “OK, I’ll put the straw back.”
Me- “Thank you.”
A few moments of silence- then- “Lisa, are you a part of our family?”
Me-(Wondering where this question is coming from)- “Well, yes, I guess I am in a way.” (I’ve been S.’s full time caregiver for three years now, and I relocated to Santa Cruz with her family late last year.)
S.- ” Because in our family, we don’t use the word hate. Hate it is a very strong word.”
There I was- CAUGHT! Of course she was right.
Nothing left for me to do except apologize for speaking carelessly.
So I apologized and validated what S. had just said- “You know S., you are absolutely right. I spoke without thinking. There are lots of other ways for me to say that I don’t want you to play with your straw, without saying hate.”
S. -“Yeah, like you could just ask me not to do it, or you could say you don’t like it, or you would prefer I didn’t…”
I had to smile as I heard my oft repeated words coming back to me, reminding me to remain conscious that I am responsible not just for imparting lessons, but also responsible for leading by example!
We should all be so lucky as to have a four year old following us around reminding us to be our best selves !
Meeting In The Middle
I attended the 20th annual RIE Conference held at San Francisco State University this past weekend, and I had the honor of presenting a workshop on Toddlers to a wonderfully responsive group of parents and caregivers.
I talked a lot about the importance of observing, and listening to the children we are caring for, as well as the absolute necessity of meeting the child or children where they are – as opposed to pushing our adult expectations and agendas upon them before they are ready.
All learning is a process, it can’t be rushed, and it starts with the child, and the child’s readiness to participate with us in moving to the next level of mastery or maturation.
Toddlers are working on mastering many new skills in all areas, and we as adults are often anxious to help them along. But we can save the little ones in our care a lot of misery and frustration, not to mention ourselves, if we are willing to slow down, and cooperate with the child in their own process.
Sometimes, all the best advice from all the best experts in the world will be of little use if we forget to include the unique child in the equation, which is why I constantly encourage parents and teachers to go back and really take a look at the child and what’s happening for that child in the context of the question the adult is raising.
The workshop participants contributed many excellent and pointed questions around this topic, which started me thinking that it might be helpful if I shared an example from my own experience, to illustrate these principles more clearly.
To that end, here’s a story about how S. learned to sleep.
I started working with S. and her family when S. was 11 months old. Her parents had developed a good bed time routine, and S. went to sleep in her crib in her own room, and slept through most nights to wake happy and refreshed in the morning.
Naps were another story. It was clear S. needed to nap, as evidenced by her behavior, but no rhythm or routine had evolved around naps, and each day a struggle ensued with S.’s parents and caregivers resorting to ever desperate measures to help S. get to sleep. Walking, singing, carrying, rocking, stroller rides, milk, stories, car rides, and on and on. If S. went to sleep, after an adult had spent at least an hour assisting her, she’d often wake 20-30 minutes later, more tired and cranky than before her rest.
So the adults had a question and an agenda, which was how to help S. to get the rest she needed, without being dependent upon them.
I began as always, by observing S.,-looking at her environment, and her daily rhythms and routines. This is vital, because environment, and routines all work together- it’s impossible to try to solve a problem in one area without looking at what may be underlying and contributing to the disruption.
Moving slowly, we began to make some small changes to S.’s daily routines, and to note if the changes were having a positive or negative impact. A journal was a useful tool for both her parents and me at this stage.
Through observation, we learned that it was important for S. to be outside and active, early in the morning. I helped her parents begin to notice and observe S.’s particular signs of tiredness- what Magda Gerber called the “soft signs of tiredness.” We also began to create some simple rituals around day time resting- a diaper change, a story, a song we always sang, but we stopped strolling, carrying, rocking, driving etc. We included S. in the process by talking to her about what was happening. “I see that you are rubbing your eyes. You are starting to feel tired. Soon it will be time to rest. Your crib is a safe cozy, place to rest.”
This process took about two weeks. S. protested somewhat- as was to be expected. Why? Because she had been used to falling asleep for naps in one way, and now we were changing all the rules. We were asking something new and different from her. She had not learned to be able to recognize her own signs of tiredness, allow her body to relax, and to fall asleep in her crib unassisted.
She needed a lot of support, and we as her adults had to be willing to listen to her crying, and be available to reassure her. “Yes this is hard for you, but you can do it. We will help you.” “You will feel so much better, when you are able to get the rest you need.”
Over the course of a month we got it down- together! And all was well – for awhile.
At about 15 months, S. moved from taking two one hour naps a day to taking one longer nap, in the mid afternoon. Except that the transition didn’t happen easily, and suddenly she absolutely refused to go to sleep in her crib for her naps.
We went back to observing closely, keeping a journal, making small adjustments to our daily routine. I consulted Dr. Weissbluth’s book- Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child. I consulted with my teachers and mentors. We remained consistent and hopeful. Nothing was working.
S. was exhausted and miserable. I was exhausted and miserable, and out of ideas! One day, after she’d spent half an hour sobbing in her crib, calling my name, and I’d done my level best to soothe and reassure her, I just gave up!
I took S. out of her crib, and sat her next to me on the couch, and said to her, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help. You need to rest, and I need to rest, but nothing is working. I am going to sit here on the couch with you, and maybe we can rest together.”
At which point S. put her head down in my lap, went to sleep, and slept for two hours. I kid you not!
To this day, S., who is now almost four years old, naps for one to two hours every day. She goes to sleep easily, and wakes up well rested and happy, and I don’t have to lay down with her, or even be in the same room with her. She still doesn’t sleep in her bed for her naps, however. She sleeps on the futon in the office area. Go figure!
We may never know why S. can’t/won’t take a nap in her crib/bed, but the important thing is that she now gets the rest she needs. First, we had to learn to co-operate with S. as much as we were asking her to co-operate with us.
Every child is unique. Every situation is different, and no adult – not even an “expert” can hope to impose a “formula” that will work for every child. The best we can do is to be willing to really look at the child, listen to the child, ask, and allow the child to participate with us in the lofty goals that we sometimes hold for them. In their own time, in their own way- “on their own, with our help,” as Magda Gerber often said, we will get where we want to be – together!
Tummy Time and Other Trends
Trends come and go. It seems to me parenting trends are established when some expert makes or highlights a “new finding ” in regard to infant development, the media picks up on it, and the marketing experts get to work publishing new books and developing new products for parents to buy, to support them in “helping their baby to develop optimally.”
It is my opinion, backed up by some solid research and experience, that most of these trends prey on a parent’s fear, and don’t do anything to help a baby develop optimally – in fact, in some cases they may do more harm than good.
Here are some current trends that I wish would go. You can be sure I’ll have more to say in upcoming posts about all of these trends, and why I think caution is advised before adopting any of them, but for now I just want to list the trends that most alarm/offend me!
1) Tummy Time for babies who can’t yet roll onto their tummies by themselves.
2) Baby Einstein Anything
3) Sign Language for babies who are not hearing impaired, or don’t have hearing impaired parents.
4) Elimination Communication. Count yourself lucky if you don’t know what this is. Trust me, you’re not missing anything!
5) Doctor Harvey Karp, swaddling, and “toddlerese”.
Here you have my top five pet peeves when it comes to parenting. You realize of course, this list could change tomorrow should a new, more offensive trend pop up between now and then. It’s possible you know, because trends come and go all the time !
A Tiny Loss Of Innocence
I was a guest at a birthday party yesterday for a little girl who is just turning three years old. As usual, I was interested in observing the children at play.
I watched as two little girls chose stuffed animals to be their babies, placed them in toy strollers, and began to stroll their “babies” around, while saying such things as ,”Let’s take them to the park.”
Then a little boy approached with a toy alligator,and wordlessly started to advance with the stuffed toy towards the girls and their baby dolls. He made the jaws of the alligator open and close as if the alligator was trying to snatch the baby animals from their strollers.
The girls began to giggle and to run away while pushing their strollers and, saying, “Oh no Mr. Alligator, you can’t catch us.” Pretty harmless and typical three year old play. All of the children seemed to be enjoying themselves, as evidenced by the peals of laughter emanating from all of them.
Then one of the little girls suddenly cried, “That alligator is trying to kill our babies. Come on , let’s run. We can’t let him kill us. We have to get away, or kill him first.”
I am no Pollyanna,but in that moment, I was shocked. A three year old talking about killing and being killed ?
I watched as S. (yes ,this is another story that involves my beloved girl) paused, and looked at her little friend. A brief look of confusion passed over her face , before she decided to go along and parrot the words of the first child. “Yes, let’s run and hide, he’s trying to kill our babies.”
OK then.
I know for a fact S. has never heard the word “kill” before. I know she has no idea what that word means. I know that while she enjoys playing chasing and running games with other children, that up until the moment the word “kill” was introduced into the play, it was all fun and games, and there was nothing to fear and no real enemy.
A tiny loss of innocence occurred in that moment for S., and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since.
I bet some of you think I’m over reacting. But seriously, stop and think about it. Is it really necessary for a three year old child to even have that particular word as a part of her vocabulary or her consciousness ? Call me wrong, (it won’t be the first time someone has), but it is disturbing to think about three year old children running around play acting killing scenes.
What happened next you may ask ? I decided I needed to intervene and enter the play, which is something I rarely do. I followed the girls, who had sequestered themselves in the bathroom with the door closed, while the little boy with the alligator stood outside the door knocking and asking the girls to let him in.
“No, you are trying to kill us and our babies,” they cried. I opened the door while saying, “Oh no, I think this alligator just wants to play with you and your babies, isn’t that right, Mr. Alligator ?”
Mr Alligator nodded vigorously. “Mr Alligator, you mustn’t be naughty and try to nip at the girls and their babies then, or they might be afraid. You DO have very big teeth you know !”
Now all three of the children were giggling , and S. asked Mr. Alligator if he would like to play with them , and when Mr. Alligator nodded, the whole group ran off together,and Mr. Alligator was trying to kiss the babies , because S. reminded him that he promised to be nice and not bite the babies.
The play dissolved shortly thereafter, because I suggested to S.’s Mom that it might be a good time for S. to give out the goody bags she had helped to shop for and assemble for each child at the party.
Crises averted for the time being, but the word “Kill ” lingers in my mind. Time will tell how S. processes this new concept. I will watch and wait to see if ,and when it pops up in her play again, and will talk with her parents about what I observed as well , and how we might approach helping S. to deal with this new idea.
By the way, another teacher of mine, Nancy Carlsson Paige, recently published a book that I highly recommend ,called Taking Back Childhood, Helping Your Kids Thrive in a Fast- Paced , Media- Saturated, Violence- Filled World.
In fact, I’m going to take another look at this book now, because it seems the world has intruded, as it is wont to do. A little bit of innocence that once was has been eroded, and honestly I am in need of some guidance here myself !
Take Care of Yourself
“As much as we want to do for and give to our children, we can’t pour into them when we’re running on empty. Every once in a while, and definitely more often than most of us do, we need to fill our own buckets. This looks different for each of us – walking, exercising, reading, writing, scrapbooking, Zumba – whatever it is, I’d encourage you to just do it! And not feel guilty about it…. Put on your own oxygen mask first! Self-care is not selfish. It simply enables you to breathe.” Tammi
I always thought the Peace Corps got it wrong; theirs isn’t “the toughest job you’re ever going to love”- parenting is! The airlines, on the other hand, got it right: if you’re traveling with a child, and an oxygen mask becomes necessary, you should secure your mask before turning your attention to your child’s needs. This is good advice for parenting in general.
Take care of yourself so that you can be present for, and take care of your child. Make sure you are well nourished, and well rested. (Take naps when your child does, if you can.) Don’t feel guilty about turning off the phone and the computer at times – the phone calls and messages will wait. Lower your expectations for yourself in terms of keeping a perfectly clean home and cooking gourmet meals. (Get ye to Trader Joe’s if you’ve got one near you.)
Ask your partner to pitch in with chores and childcare (and be gracious enough to allow him or her to do things his/her own way). Hire all the help you can afford, or if you can’t afford help, trade off an afternoon of childcare with another Mom, and/or ask family or friends to help out when you need it.
Buy yourself flowers, take deep breaths often, go to the park and talk to other Moms, or join a free on-line community. You know what it is that will best nurture and sustain you, and if you don’t, you need to figure it out. Then take/make time to do whatever it is that nurtures you on a regular basis.
Who really cares if your children are wearing two different colored socks when it comes right down to it? (They may be trend setters!) You can drive yourself crazy trying to maintain some perfect standard, or you can relax, and enjoy your time with your child. You can only do so much in a day. It’s important to figure out who and what is truly important to you, and focus your energy there. No guilt allowed! “Do less,enjoy more,” was Magda Gerber’s mantra, or would have been, had she had a mantra!
When times are hard, remind yourself that whatever it is, it will pass. While I don’t agree with time out for children, I highly recommend regular time out for adults! Here are a few ways to accomplish a time out for yourself when you are feeling impatient or at your wits end:
One way is to be honest and say to your child, “Things aren’t working right now. I feel impatient and need a break.” Once you’ve said this, take a break! Place your child in a safe place with some books and toys, take a deep breath, and make a cup of tea. Though I generally don’t advocate TV for young children, if you are not adverse to the idea, NOW is the time to pop in that 30 minute Sesame Street video.
Or, you can practice a technique a fellow colleague of mine calls Stop, Drop, and Roll (with the punches). When you feel yourself starting to lose perspective, ready to cry, or yell at your child, JUST STOP.
Stop trying to do whatever you were trying to do (or encourage your toddler to do), get down on the floor with her, and play for ten minutes. You can read a story, sing a song, do some yoga poses, or best of all, quietly observe your child and enjoy her.
Remind yourself that you love her. Remind yourself that whatever it is that seems so impossible in this moment will pass in time. When you are ready, start fresh again. It may sound crazy, but I know from experience and parent testimonials- “It works! It works!”
Another idea is to take the baby and get outside in nature. A simple walk around the block can do wonders for your mood, and for your child’s.
Remember, you are your child’s first role model and teacher. If you don’t pay attention to, and make it a priority to take time to take care of yourself, how can you expect to teach your child to focus, co-operate, and participate in her own self care?
For those who are parents of babies and young toddlers, and like to read, here are two books I recommend: Mama Zen, Walking The Crooked Path of Motherhood, and 1, 2, 3 The Toddler Years, A Practical Guide For Parents and Caregivers.
We aren’t born with the skills necessary to know how to parent our children well, and in many cases we haven’t had good role models ourselves. Even if we have had good role models, our parents may be deceased, or we may live far away from them.
It is so important for parents today to find a community, and not to live in isolation. Take advantage of every available resource open to you to gain information and support. There are free and low cost resources in every community- so you need not feel support and help are out of reach if you don’t have a lot of money.
Be good to yourself, and this will enable you to not just survive, but to thrive, and enjoy your child’s early years!
What ways you’ve found to nourish and take care of yourself as a parent? Please share!
Updated: October 2, 2012
When Times Are Hard
Some days are just hard, and no matter what you do or say, your toddler may not be able to co-operate. Try to remember on those days that your toddler is ‘having a hard time’ not ‘giving you a hard time’, and he needs you in his corner more than ever.
It is never wrong to comfort your child or acknowledge her feelings. This does not mean you have to give in, change your mind, or feel like a bad parent for setting limits and following through. But come on, life is hard sometimes, and your child has the right to be angry, sad, or upset at the limits or conditions imposed upon him, even if they are in his best interests.
Just be honest, and use honest language: “This is hard for you.” “I see/hear that you are upset.” “I’m sorry you are upset, you weren’t ready to leave the park.”
You don’t have to try to make it better by giving in. Just try to be with your child and the emotion in the moment. She might ask for cuddling, a hug, or a kiss, and there’s nothing wrong with providing this comfort- your child is not trying to manipulate you- as the teacher implied at one play class I attended.
Let me give you an example of one child who was having a very hard time co-operating at a class recently. He was hitting other children, breaking into tears every few minutes, and running out the door, despite the fact that his Mom had tried to engage him in the activities, and the teacher had intervened multiple times.
Mom said, “If you run out the door again, we will leave and try again next week.”So when her son ran out the door a few minutes later, she went to him with shoes, coat and hat in hand, and quietly said, “It’s time to go. You don’t seem to want to be at play class today.”
At this point, the little guy started to cry, and was begging to stay. Mom calmly proceeded to dress him, and headed for the car. She said, “I hear you saying you want to stay, but today was a hard day for you at play class. We are going to go home and have a rest. We will come back to play class next week, and try again. ”
This Mom did so much right in this instance- she set a clear limit, gave a choice, followed through with what she said she was going to do, remained calm, and listened to her child.
She later shared that on the way to the car, her child was whimpering and asked to be held. Her question was, “Do you think my child was trying to manipulate me somehow?”
My answer was, “No, this was hard on both of you, and there’s nothing wrong with providing physical comfort and affection if your child requests it. After all, you still love your toddler even if you are less than happy with his behavior on a particular day.”
Toddlers can have bad days, just like we do, and the message you want to convey to your child is that you will step in to help her if her behavior is out of control, you love her no matter what, you have faith in her ability to learn, grow, and move on, and you are always on her side, even when her behavior may be difficult. Always try to acknowledge and allow your child’s feelings, even when you must take action or intervene in a way that she may not like or agree with!
Tomorrow, taking care of yourself so you can take care of your toddler.