Category: Daily Life

Waiting- A Potty Learning Story

Here’s the example you have been waiting for! Honestly, the problem is not what to say, the problem is finding the time to post everything there is to say!

Without fail, the majority of questions and worries parents have tend to fall into three main categories: eating, sleeping,and developmental milestones – for example- ” Will she ever – walk, talk, sleep through the night, use the potty, stop throwing tantrums, learn to listen, learn to enjoy water?”

Most parents honestly don’t know the answers to these questions, for the simple reason that they haven’t ever had a child before, and never spent much time with children before having one of their own! And even if they are second time parents, each child is so unique, that sometimes it’s hard to know if a behavior is “normal” or not. That’s because there is a wide range of normal for any given child!

Sometimes parents unknowingly make a very small problem into a bigger one due to their own fear, worry, concern, and sincere desire to “help” or encourage their child.

I’m lucky in a sense, because I’ve worked with and observed so many families and children over the years, I can usually say and mean, “Don’t worry. Just relax and wait, and this will pass.”

And much to the relief of the parents I counsel – it usually turns out that everything does resolve itself in time, and all is well until the next developmental turning point.

Here is a little secret about how children grow and develop physically, mentally, and emotionally:
They do it in spurts throughout their childhood and into young adulthood. And each growth spurt is accompanied by a period of disequilibrium, which can cause even the most easy going baby to suddenly be fussy for a time, or for a” good”eater to go on a hunger strike, or for a baby who has been walking to “regress” and start to crawl again, or for any number of other surprising changes in a baby’s behavior.

So here is a potty learning story that illustrates the principle I’m referring to. I refer to this story as my “You can lead a child to the potty, but you can’t make her use it until she’s ready,” story.

S. started to show interest in using the potty at about two years old. Her Mom and Dad purchased a little potty chair for her and placed it in the bathroom, and whenever she would follow one of us into the bathroom, and at bath-time, we’d invite her to sit on her potty. She had several successes and was quite proud of herself, and couldn’t wait to wear the cute new underwear she and her Mom had picked out for her at the store.

Then suddenly, much to the dismay of her parents, S. decided she was not interested in using the potty at all- ever ! When we asked her if she wanted to sit on the potty, she said, “Not now,” “When I get bigger,” or just plain “No.” One day she told me, ” But Lisa, I already did it,” in response to my question about whether or not she’d like to sit on the potty. (This cracked me up- because, it seemed to me she was saying, “I did it, everyone cheered, so why do I have to keep doing it again and again?”)

Anyway, Mom and Dad became worried, and wanted to discuss strategies. I told them I had only one – drop it, and let S. decide when she wanted to come back to this particular task. No reminders, no pressure, no bribes, no sticker charts, no candy, no discussions, nothing.

So they tried and mostly succeeded in following my advice (with a few more “adult only” coversations where I reassured them nothing was wrong, and not to worry).

Then one day last week, S. who is now two years and 9 months old, woke up and announced that only babies pee and poo in their diapers, and she used to too, but she was a big girl now, and she peed and pooed in the potty.

And she did! And she does! Within the past two weeks, S. has gone from peeing and pooing in her diapers to wearing underwear and using the potty 99.9% of the time- even asking at our little yoga class (when she had a diaper on “just in case”), to go to the potty!

S. is so proud of herself! Her parents are thrilled, and proud of her, and a little in awe too, of  just how easy the whole process was.

And I am so proud of all of them! Magda Gerber said time and time again- “When a child is ready, he will do it.”  (The “it” being sitting up, walking, using the potty, using his “words”, etc.) Her message to parents was always to do less, worry less , and trust and enjoy children more.

Parenting is a hard enough job without worrying about the things that really come as a natural part of a child’s maturation, and require just time and patience on our part….

Graduation Gift

I have no children of my own- at least not biologically.

I am blessed to have children by proxy. I’ve known M. and her family for 17 years, since their first child, S. was born. I’ve been honored to help care for S. and her sister M.,and to share in their lives in an ongoing and meaningful way for all of this time.

In fact, S. was my “first baby.”.. I couldn’t love her or respect her more if she was my very own child, and yet our relationship has sometimes challenged me and pushed me to my limits. We have struggled through together. It was S. who cried when I left to live and work in California, but it was her sister M. who always welcomed me back into the fold with open arms and an open heart.

After being away for almost 10 years , I moved back to my home in Cambridge, MA, and once again became a daily part of M. and S.’s lives. Of course both girls were teenagers now , not the little girls (ages two and six) that I had left. so many years ago. In the years I was away, I had to content myself with weekly phone calls, and not frequent enough visits, to keep involved in their lives.

Long story short, I’ve been home for two years now, and both girls just celebrated amazing milestones this past week- S. graduated from high-school and M. from the 8th grade. I was honored to be able to attend both ceremonies, along with their parents and grandparents.

Of course, I GAVE gifts, but I also received one that I never expected. M. and I often engage in deep conversation and sometimes heated debate on any number of subjects. My once adoring girl was often heard quoting one of her favorite teachers during these interchanges. It was, “Ms. S. this and Ms. S. that”, and while I was thrilled that she had such a wonderful role model and mentor, I sometimes felt a little left out….

I’d met many of M.’s teachers throughout the years, but had never laid eyes on Ms. S. so I took the opportunity to introduce myself after M.’s graduation ceremony.

Much to my surprise, I’d barely finished saying “My name is Lisa and I’m M.’s … ” before Ms. S. embraced me and uttered words to the effect of , “So you are M.’s Lisa ! I feel as if I know you already, because M. talks about you so often in class ! ” It’s Lisa this and Lisa that, and Lisa made me think… “.

I was in shock and told Ms. S. that at home it was, ” Ms. S. this and Ms. S. that,” which is why I felt compelled to meet her and thank her !

Needless to say, I was near tears. I was so touched. And I was reminded of the importance of never, never underestimating the impact my words and actions could have upon a child.

So, to parents of toddlers and teenagers: it may seem like your children are not paying attention, and/or disregarding everything you have to say – but it’s not true. Keep trusting them, respecting them , listening to them, and talking with them – even if it seems they are dismissing your every word and gesture. It can and does make a difference !

Wait

Suppose: Imagine you felt accepted and supported just as you are, appreciated for everything you do, celebrated and observed in each new accomplishment and allowed time to explore, try, experiment and experience life without judgment or fear of failure. How would it feel to build a lifetime from this strong foundation? Linda Hinrichs

baby robins ©2011 jessi k
So often parents come to me with questions and concerns about their child’s development – “All of the other babies in our play group have been sitting up for months now. When will my baby learn to sit up?” “Will she ever get over her fear of the water and learn to swim?” “When will he start talking?” She’s almost four years old, and she’s not potty trained yet. Should I be worried?” “I’m worried because s/he doesn’t (fill in the blank), yet.”

I’ve often been encouraged by parents, colleagues, and friends to write a book for parents. I have always maintained that there was no need for this since the two best books (Your Self Confident Baby, and Dear Parent) I’ve ever read on the subject of caring for babies have already been written by one of my finest teachers. I really can’t think of anything to add- or a better way to say what she already has.

This being the case – if I was going to write a book it would be short, simple, and sweet- not at all my usual style.

Lucky you, I am going to convey the entire contents of my book to you now, and it won’t cost you a penny!

The idea for this book came to me yesterday, as I realized that time and time again, when parents come to me with concerns regarding their children my answer to their questions boils down to one word- “WAIT!”

So the title of my book is Wait!

“The Hand That Patiently Waits”

 

The entire text of the book is as follows: Whatever concerns you may have regarding your child and her development – just wait. Most likely, the “issue” will resolve itself on its own if you are patient. Try to sit back, relax, notice, appreciate, and enjoy your child for exactly who s/he is and what s/he is doing right now. Try not to worry. Just wait, and trust that s/he will unfold in her own perfect way, and her own perfect time.

Of course, when I counsel parents, I use many more words, many reassurances, and many examples to illustrate the value of this wisdom, and I try to speak specifically and directly to each parent’s  individual concerns and circumstances, but the overall message is often the same.

I in no way mean to undermine or trivialize the questions and concerns parents often have about their children. I do recognize that there are times and circumstances when action is called for, but for all our children ask of us and need from us, perhaps the greatest gift we can give them, and what they most need from us, is patience, and trust that they will achieve developmental milestones in their own unique time, and ways.

“If I sit back, let him get to things when he’s ready, and don’t push, he does just fine. In fact, he thrives. He surprises me. He’ll become exactly who he is supposed to be, exactly when he’s supposed to.” Devon Corneal

(I  originally wrote this post on June 9, 2008. I was inspired by the article, Sink or Swim to update and republish on July 10, 2012. )

Lunch With A Toddler

S. is not interested in eating her lunch today.

Instead she is very interested in pulling her socks off and placing them on her hands.

“Look Lisa, I have sock puppets on my hands !”

Yes, she does indeed have sock puppets on her hands.

As I’m about to remind her that it’s time to eat lunch, and it might not be a good idea to eat lunch with sock puppets on her hands, she scoops up a handful of her pasta with her sock clad hand and stuffs the food into her mouth.

“Yuck,” she says as she spits the mouthful of food back into her hand, “that’s hairy.”

Yucky indeed, and yet somehow,it’s funny too,even though we now have a mess to clean up !