Development – Page 5 – Regarding Baby

Tummy Time and Other Trends

Trends come and go. It seems to me parenting trends are established when some expert makes or highlights a “new finding ” in regard to infant development, the media picks up on it, and the marketing experts get to work publishing new books and developing new products for parents to buy, to support them in “helping their baby to develop optimally.”

It is my opinion, backed up by some solid research and experience, that most of these trends prey on a parent’s fear, and don’t do anything to help a baby develop optimally – in fact, in some cases they may do more harm than good.

Here are some current trends that I wish would go. You can be sure I’ll have more to say in upcoming posts about all of these trends, and why I think caution is advised before adopting any of them, but for now I just want to list the trends that most alarm/offend me!

1) Tummy Time for babies who can’t yet roll onto their tummies by themselves.
2) Baby Einstein Anything

3) Sign Language for babies who are not hearing impaired, or don’t have hearing impaired parents.

4) Elimination Communication. Count yourself lucky if you don’t know what this is. Trust me, you’re not missing anything!

5) Doctor Harvey Karp, swaddling, and “toddlerese”.

Here you have my top five pet peeves when it comes to parenting. You realize of course, this list could change tomorrow should a new, more offensive trend pop up between now and then. It’s possible you know, because trends come and go all the time !

A Tiny Loss Of Innocence

I was a guest at a birthday party yesterday for a little girl who is just turning three years old. As usual, I was interested in observing the children at play.

I watched as two little girls chose stuffed animals to be their babies, placed them in toy strollers, and began to stroll their “babies” around, while saying such things as ,”Let’s take them to the park.”

Then a little boy approached with a toy alligator,and wordlessly started to advance with the stuffed toy towards the girls and their baby dolls. He made the jaws of the alligator open and close as if the alligator was trying to snatch the baby animals from their strollers.

The girls began to giggle and to run away while pushing their strollers and, saying, “Oh no Mr. Alligator, you can’t catch us.” Pretty harmless and typical three year old play. All of the children seemed to be enjoying themselves, as evidenced by the peals of laughter emanating from all of them.

Then one of the little girls suddenly cried, “That alligator is trying to kill our babies. Come on , let’s run. We can’t let him kill us. We have to get away, or kill him first.”

I am no Pollyanna,but in that moment, I was shocked. A three year old talking about killing and being killed ?

I watched as S. (yes ,this is another story that involves my beloved girl) paused, and looked at her little friend. A brief look of confusion passed over her face , before she decided to go along and parrot the words of the first child. “Yes, let’s run and hide, he’s trying to kill our babies.”

OK then.

I know for a fact S. has never heard the word “kill” before. I know she has no idea what that word means. I know that while she enjoys playing chasing and running games with other children, that up until the moment the word “kill” was introduced into the play, it was all fun and games, and there was nothing to fear and no real enemy.

A tiny loss of innocence occurred in that moment for S., and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since.

I bet some of you think I’m over reacting. But seriously, stop and think about it. Is it really necessary for a three year old child to even have that particular word as a part of her vocabulary or her consciousness ? Call me wrong, (it won’t be the first time someone has), but it is disturbing to think about three year old children running around play acting killing scenes.

What happened next you may ask ? I decided I needed to intervene and enter the play, which is something I rarely do. I followed the girls, who had sequestered themselves in the bathroom with the door closed, while the little boy with the alligator stood outside the door knocking and asking the girls to let him in.

“No, you are trying to kill us and our babies,” they cried. I opened the door while saying, “Oh no, I think this alligator just wants to play with you and your babies, isn’t that right, Mr. Alligator ?”

Mr Alligator nodded vigorously. “Mr Alligator, you mustn’t be naughty and try to nip at the girls and their babies then, or they might be afraid. You DO have very big teeth you know !”

Now all three of the children were giggling , and S. asked Mr. Alligator if he would like to play with them , and when Mr. Alligator nodded, the whole group ran off together,and Mr. Alligator was trying to kiss the babies , because S. reminded him that he promised to be nice and not bite the babies.

The play dissolved shortly thereafter, because I suggested to S.’s Mom that it might be a good time for S. to give out the goody bags she had helped to shop for and assemble for each child at the party.

Crises averted for the time being, but the word “Kill ” lingers in my mind. Time will tell how S. processes this new concept. I will watch and wait to see if ,and when it pops up in her play again, and will talk with her parents about what I observed as well , and how we might approach helping S. to deal with this new idea.

By the way, another teacher of mine, Nancy Carlsson Paige, recently published a book that I highly recommend ,called Taking Back Childhood, Helping Your Kids Thrive in a Fast- Paced , Media- Saturated, Violence- Filled World.

In fact, I’m going to take another look at this book now, because it seems the world has intruded, as it is wont to do. A little bit of innocence that once was has been eroded, and honestly I am in need of some guidance here myself !

When Times Are Hard

Some days are just hard, and no matter what you do or say, your toddler may not be able to co-operate. Try to remember on those days that your toddler is ‘having a hard time’ not ‘giving you a hard time’, and he needs you in his corner more than ever.

It is never wrong to comfort your child or acknowledge her feelings. This does not mean you have to give in, change your mind, or feel like a bad parent for setting limits and following through. But come on, life is hard sometimes, and your child has the right to be angry, sad, or upset at the limits or conditions imposed upon him, even if they are in his best interests.

Just be honest, and use honest language: “This is hard for you.” “I see/hear that you are upset.” “I’m sorry you are upset, you weren’t ready to leave the park.”

You don’t have to try to make it better by giving in. Just try to be with your child and the emotion in the moment. She might ask for cuddling, a hug, or a kiss, and there’s nothing wrong with providing this comfort- your child is not trying to manipulate you- as the teacher implied at one play class I attended.

Let me give you an example of one child who was having a very hard time co-operating at a class recently. He was hitting other children, breaking into tears every few minutes, and running out the door, despite the fact that his Mom had tried to engage him in the activities, and the teacher had intervened multiple times.

Mom said, “If you run out the door again, we will leave and try again next week.”So when her son ran out the door a few minutes later, she went to him with shoes, coat and hat in hand, and quietly said, “It’s time to go. You don’t seem to want to be at play class today.”

At this point, the little guy started to cry, and was begging to stay. Mom calmly proceeded to dress him, and headed for the car. She said, “I hear you saying you want to stay, but today was a hard day for you at play class. We are going to go home and have a rest. We will come back to play class next week, and try again. ”

This Mom did so much right in this instance- she set a clear limit, gave a choice, followed through with what she said she was going to do, remained calm, and listened to her child.

She later shared that on the way to the car, her child was whimpering and asked to be held. Her question was, “Do you think my child was trying to manipulate me somehow?”

My answer was, “No, this was hard on both of you, and there’s nothing wrong with providing physical comfort and affection if your child requests it. After all, you still love your toddler even if you are less than happy with his behavior on a particular day.”

Toddlers can have bad days, just like we do, and the message you want to convey to your child is that you will step in to help her if her behavior is out of control, you love her no matter what, you have faith in her ability to learn, grow, and move on, and you are always on her side, even when her behavior may be difficult. Always try to acknowledge and allow your child’s feelings, even when you must take action or intervene in a way that she may not like or agree with!

Tomorrow, taking care of yourself so you can take care of your toddler.

Temper Tantrums

Update: The eighth post in a series of ten on effective gentle discipline methods. This was one of my favorite posts to write.

“Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.” -Calvin & Hobbes

We’ve been having thunder storms here for days now. It thunders. There is lightening, and then it pours rain. Afterwards, the sky clears, the air is cool and fresh, and all is well again. Sometimes this process goes on for weeks, until we are back to fair skies.

Temper tantrums are much the same as thunder storms. Think of temper tantrums as emotional weather. They can be loud and scary, but in the end, the air is clear, and skies are sunny again.

Each child is unique, but I’ve never known one who went through toddlerhood without at least one good tantrum. Why are children prone to tantrums at times? There are many reasons. Young children are small, but often have big feelings, and ideas which they can’t always express or carry out easily. Their daily schedules and activities are decided upon by the adults who care for them. They are learning and growing daily, but they can become easily overstimulated and overwhelmed. When too much pressure builds up they may blow up!

If your child is well nourished and well rested , gets outdoors and plays actively each day, has a predictable daily routine, has plenty of opportunities to participate in her own care, and you are communicating clearly and respectfully, allowing for tarry time, and monitoring your home environment to make changes as needed, chances are temper tantrums will be few and far between.

Here is one of my favorite stories about S. who will turn three in just another few weeks, and occasionally succumbs to whining, which is a whole other beast! As long as I’ve mentioned whining, I might as well go ahead and say that while temper tantrums are common at one and two, whining is more common at three and four.

With an older child, whose verbal skills are well developed, it helps to have a zero tolerance policy towards the whining. When S. whines, her parents and I calmly explain that we don’t like her tone of voice, and find it hard to understand or listen to her when she talks in that tone. Then we ask her to repeat herself in her “regular” voice. We reassure her that she is much more likely to gain our help, and understanding if she just talks to us without whining. This works.

But it does no good at all (and may make matters worse) to tell a one or two year old to “use your words”, especially in stressful situations. I’ve always loved what Magda Gerber had to say about this topic: “If they COULD use their words, they would.” Have you as an adult (who no doubt has a LOT of words and is very capable of using them) ever become so overwhelmed by a situation or an emotion, that all you could do was cry, or scream? I know I certainly have. OK then. Let’s move on.

If a toddler isn’t using her words, it’s because the situation is too stressful, she doesn’t have the words to express her feelings, needs or desires, or she feels “unheard” in a situation, and is ACTING in a way that she knows everyone will pay attention to. Smart child.

scream and shout

OK, so back to S. and her temper tantrum. S. was just a little over two years old, and had received an easel and watercolors for her birthday. S. loved to paint morning, noon, and night. Her parents, well meaning and caring adults that they are, thought it would be a great idea to enroll S. in a class, where she could interact with other two year old children and paint to her heart’s content.

Honestly, it was this low key little class, where parents or caregivers stayed with their child, and for the first hour, the children could paint, work with clay, or spread glitter glue all over paper. There was no formal instruction, no emphasis on creating a finished product, no model to follow, nothing.

The second hour, kids could choose to help make cookies, or play outside on the little playground, and an older lady (a grandmother) strummed the guitar and sang popular kid songs. Most of the children would sing and dance along, and the whole morning ended with warm, fresh baked cookies, and organic juice.

Sounds ideal right ? Except S. didn’t think so. She would much rather paint with me at home. The other difficulty was that this class started at 9:30 am, and I arrived at S.’s home at 9:00 am, so there was a little bit of a rushed atmosphere in the morning, as her parents would quickly give me a morning report, and I’d steer S. towards the door so we could get to class on time.

One particular day, S. was determined to paint at home, before class. Her parents and I were chattering above her while she readied her paint supplies, and kept repeating that she wanted to paint, “right now, please.” We told her what fun she’d have painting at class, and continued our exchange of information and preparations to leave.

Suddenly, S. said (in a very loud voice and while stamping her feet) I. WANT.TO. PAINT. RIGHT. NOW. We all stopped, and stared at each other in astonishment. S. hadn’t ever had a tantrum before. Then S., looking a little sheepish, said, “Where did that big voice come from?” and promptly burst into tears. Where indeed?

Sometimes, a temper tantrum can alert parents and caregivers to the fact that they need to slow down, and really see, and listen to a child. S. wanted to paint. At two years old, she didn’t want or need an art class- no matter how “ideal” it was. It wasn’t ideal for her at that time. The class was abandoned, and S. painted happily ever after- at home.

Prevention is best, but sometimes things get out of balance, and a child’s loss of temper alerts us to the fact that they need more connection. So if your child is having frequent tantrums, it might be a good time to ask yourself if things are a little out of balance or there are areas in your child’s life that need adjusting.

What can you do to support your child in the moment when she’s experiencing a storm of emotions? Make sure she’s in a safe place. Just stop. Hold a space. Don’t try to console or distract her. Let her go all the way through the tantrum to the end. Stay nearby. If your child wants hugs and cuddling after a tantrum, by all means offer them. Otherwise, a few comforting words can help. “You were very upset. I heard you yelling loudly, and saw you kicking the pillows. Do you feel better now?” It’s usually not necessary to say or do much more. (If you are in a public place when a tantrum starts- leave. Get your child to the car, and follow the above steps.)

It is never acceptable for a child to hurt others, including you, no matter how angry she is. If she is hitting, kicking, or biting you, first put her down if you are holding her, and tell her in a calm, firm voice, “I understand you are upset, but I won’t let you hurt yourself, or anyone else. If you want to kick/hit/bite, here is a doll/pillow/toy, that you may use.” Then move away.

The less emotion YOU show, and the more calm acceptance you can muster, the more quickly temper tantrums will dissolve and cease to exist all together. It’s normal and natural for your toddler to have an occasional tantrum, but sometimes parents become so upset or distraught when a child has a tantrum, they will go to any lengths to try to stop it. This gives the child a message that a tantrum is a good way to get a reaction from Mom or Dad, and possibly a way to get things her own way in the future.You don’t want to give your child the idea that temper tantrums are a good way to get you to cave in to every whim and demand, or that she needs to have a tantrum to get your attention anytime he’s upset.

By the way, no normally developing, healthy child I have known, or heard about, has EVER seriously injured herself during a tantrum. So if you are tying yourself in knots trying to appease your toddler for fear that she is going to literally stop breathing, bash her head in, or claw her eyes out- you need not worry.

When your child is mastering a new physical skill like walking, she tries and fails many times. She lurches forward, falls down, and gets back up again. Learning emotional control and maturity is no different. She’ll try, fail, possibly have a temper tantrum, and move on. It’s all a part of growing up!

Praise Not

This is one in a series of posts I wrote on gentle, respectful ways to discipline, teach, and interact with young children. Updated 1/23/2012.

Praise not. Or maybe it’s praise selectively…

“Let your child’s inner joy be self-motivating. You can smile and express your genuine feelings but should refrain from giving excessive compliments, clapping your hands, and making a big fuss. If you do this, your child starts seeking satisfaction from external sources. She can get hooked on praise, becoming a performer seeking applause instead of an explorer. Praise also disrupts and interrupts a child’s learning process. She stops what she’s doing and focuses on you, sometimes not returning to the activity.” –Magda Gerber, Your Self Confident Baby

My friend Amy, who is an awesome Mom to two boys, and a former preschool teacher said, “But Lisa, kids love and thrive on praise. Praise is a way for parents to show their affection and share their joy and pride in their children’s accomplishments, and you’re telling them NOT to do it?”

Her point is well taken, but I ask you to consider this: Praise can be demeaning and meaningless when it is repeated again and again in an automatic way, and when it’s not really warranted. Children don’t need to be praised or told they are “good” for doing things that they are easily capable of, or that come as a natural part of their maturation. “Good boy, nice eating!” We talk to our pets this way. Our children deserve better.

Baby Pearl Clapping for the 1st time — Your baby doesn’t need you to clap for her every achievement.

This is a good place to note that all children are “good” regardless of their behavior at times, and you don’t want to set them up to judge their basic self worth based on whether or not someone else says they are a good or bad child for accomplishing (or not) any specific task. You want your child to feel loved and worthy for who she is, despite the fact that she may sometimes fall short in meeting your goals or expectations (or her own, for that matter).

Children engage in many activities and behaviors because the activity itself has intrinsic value and interest. “Good walking, Ashley.” Have you ever heard another parent say something like this to their child, (or maybe you’ve even said it yourself)? It can be hard to know how to celebrate a young child’s achievements, and the truth is, it is often so exciting when they master a developmental milestone, we want to celebrate with and for them.

And why not? I know it feels good to me to be acknowledged when I’ve worked hard to achieve something. It’s nice when someone notices, thanks us, or appreciates our efforts, especially if we’ve struggled hard to master a new skill. I love to write this blog, and would write even if no one read or commented, because it is satisfying to me. I appreciate it when others “like” and share my posts, but what I really love is when someone writes to me and says, “Thank you. I tried some of the suggestions you made, and here’s what happened. This really worked, but I’m still struggling with this.” “Your words made me really think about…” Or even, “I have questions and I’m not sure I agree with anything you’re saying.”

I suggest if you really want to convey your love, and let your child know you really see, hear, and appreciate his efforts and achievements, you say things like this: “Wow, I really like how you are remembering to stay near me today instead of wandering off.” Or, “Thank you for waiting so patiently while I paid for the groceries.That really helped me.” Or, “You remembered to walk while we were in the library today, and I didn’t have to remind you.” Or, “You worked really hard to put your shoes on all by yourself and you did it!” “Wow, look at all of the different colors you used in that drawing. You worked on it for a really long time. Tell me more about it.” “You were patting the kitty so gently. I can tell she liked it, because she was purring.” “You tried, and you tried, and you did it!” “I noticed you shared your snack with your friend today.” Say thank you, and give specific, meaningful feedback about what you see, what you hear, what you appreciate, and what you notice, especially when your child has really persisted in a task, has acted kindly, or has co-operated with you in some way. It’s always appropriate to thank your child when they co-operate with a request.

Do you see how this is different than offering vague, blanket statements that don’t have a lot of meaning? Each of the above examples shows thought, and tells your child you are really paying attention. Noticing and appreciating is different from issuing a blanket “Good job.” Janet Lansbury suggests that what children most want and need from loving adults is acknowledgement. She says, “It’s a simple, profound way to reflect our child’s experience and inner self. It demonstrates our understanding and acceptance. It sends a powerful, affirming message… Every thought, desire, feeling — every expression of your mind, body and heart — is perfectly acceptable, appropriate and lovable.” Isn’t that the message we really hope to give children when we praise them?

Resea rch has shown that excessive praise and incentives like sticker charts and rewards do nothing to motivate children to learn. In fact, over time, they decrease a child’s willingness and ability to engage in desired behaviors and activities for the sheer joy of learning and refining a skill, and the internal rewards associated with such activities.

Children can become hooked on outside evaluation and praise, and begin to doubt their own internal self evaluation. They begin to ask,”Why should I do this? What’s in it for me? What do I get if I do or don’t do xyz?” “Who’s watching?” Believe me, you don’t want a seven year old who says to you, “What do I get if I clean up my room? Can we go to Disney World?” (This is real quote by the way!)

For a really eye opening and thoughtful discussion of this issue, I always suggest Alfie Kohn’s book, Punished By Rewards. For a shorter version of the topics discussed in the book see 5 Reasons To Stop Saying Good Job.

Now it’s your turn to tell me what you think!

It’s All Routine

“On a perfect day in your perfect little world (and it’s always perfect) there is breakfast time, playtime, lunchtime, nap time, snack time, dinnertime, bath time, story time, and bedtime. There is time for everything when you are the timekeeper.” Karen Maezen Miller from Momma Zen, Walking The Crooked Path of Motherhood

Update: This is the third post in a series of ten on gentle, effective ways to discipline children. Today’s post talks about the importance of establishing daily rhythms, rituals, and routines, in order to help your child know what to expect. In Dear Parent, Magda Gerber writes:

“Being exposed to circumstances we cannot anticipate nor understand, and in which we cannot actively participate, makes us feel helpless, like riding on a perpetual merry-go-round. Anticipating a change, on the other hand, gives us a feeling of being prepared, of being in control.”

Establishing consistent daily routines can go a long way in helping to make life with a toddler more joyful, and less harried. This does not mean instituting a rigid schedule of eating, sleeping, and activities, but rather, establishing a predictable sequence of events that happen in a particular order, so your child can know what to expect from day to day. Daily routines give toddlers a sense of control. As they come to know what to expect, they can begin to predict and anticipate ways in which they might participate.

Can you imagine what it would feel like if you had no say over your daily activities, and they changed from day to day without notice or warning ? How cheerful and co-operative do you think you could manage to be in such circumstances? What may be a nice break in routine and feel spontaneous for us as adults, is often confusing and disorienting for toddlers.

In fact, one of the best definitions I’ve ever heard regarding how to gauge if I was being consistent and slowing down enough to allow a young toddler to keep up with me is as follows: If you find yourself feeling slightly bored, or like everything about the day is moving in slow motion, there is a good chance you are going at the right pace for a toddler! Toddlers like routine- it’s why they ask us to read the same book or repeat the same game again and again.

Young children are oriented in present time, move at a slower pace than we do, and need more tarry time to process events or incoming stimuli. I can hear you asking, “What the heck is tarry time ?” Tarry time is simply the “silence between interactions” or the amount of time it takes for a child (or an adult for that matter) to process and respond to incoming information- what someone has just said, a change in body position, or a change in activity.

As adults, most of us are able to process and respond to incoming physical and verbal information very quickly (think of a nurse in an emergency room) but young children need a longer time to absorb and respond (to verbal requests especially) because everything is still so new to them. They are just figuring out how things work, and what words mean. Toddlers are not trying to manipulate adults when they don’t immediately react to a spoken request. (This is why it is so important to slow down, make sure you have your child’s attention, and not to over-talk a situation, or repeat yourself constantly.)

Here’s one of my favorite examples of tarry time: I was the site supervisor of a toddler childcare center for two years. Parents and their children passed right by my office door on their way in and out every day and often stopped to say good morning or goodnight. At the end of the day, Mom or Dad would often be carrying their little one, lugging all of their stuff, trying to sign out, and saying goodbye to me at the same time. Inevitably, the conversations I had with families were short at this time of day; parents and children were both tired and wanted to get home after a long day.

As parents alternately chatted with me and their children, while simultaneously trying to get out the door, they’d often say,”Wave bye- bye to Lisa. We’ll see her tomorrow. It’s time to go home. Why don’t you wave? You know how to wave bye- bye.”

Hardly ever did a child wave goodbye- at least not that the parent knew about! You see, there was a window just inside my office that I knew parent and child would pass by on their way to the car. I would move to that window just after a family exited the building, and ten times out of ten, the child would notice me and would wave goodbye. This was tarry time in action! Mom or Dad was already mentally preparing to deal with traffic on the way home, planning what to eat for dinner, hoping the plumber had showed up, etc., while the child was just processing the idea that it was time to say goodbye!

We give children a wonderful gift as well as foster the opportunity for mutual co-operation and communication, when we are able and willing to SLOW DOWN and wait for a child’s response. Establishing regular daily rhythms and routines further helps children learn to co-operate, because routines provide safety and structure, and children come to know what to expect and are thus able to predict and participate more fully in whatever is happening.

Do you find it easy or difficult to slow down, and to create predictable routines for your child? Do you enjoy any special daily rituals together?

Tomorrow: the importance of rest, exercise, and good nourishment!

Helping Your Toddler To Learn To Co-Operate

The goal of discipline is to help children to gain control over their impulses and become cooperative members of their families first, and then, society. We want to raise children we not only love, but love being around. Magda Gerber

Update: This is the first in a series of ten posts I wrote in 2008, meant to answer the question: “What are effective, gentle ways to discipline young children without resorting to shaming, spanking, yelling, punishing, threatening, bribing, or using time out? I’m beginning with toddlers, because it happens to be the time that is often most challenging for parents, and the age I receive the most questions about, but the learning begins at birth, and many of the suggestions I make can be useful at any age.

BXP46603 — "Take my hand, and together, we'll find the way."

Thanks to Cathy O. for the question that inspired this post, and the next nine you will find here!

Cathy has a 15 month old daughter, is new to Magda Gerber’s philosophy of respectful parenting, and wants to know how she can help her budding toddler learn to co-operate. Everything is a bit of a struggle right now, with lots of tears and temper tantrums on both sides, and Cathy finds herself wondering where her sweet, easygoing baby went, and how to manage the many struggles that ensue throughout the day.Cathy finds herself frustrated and at a loss a lot of the time, and she finds herself falling back on techniques she swore she’d never use to discipline her child. Time out is not working- which doesn’t surprise me, because it almost never does, especially in the long run.

So, following (Note: this is a series of ten posts.) are my thoughts about what does work! Keep in mind that all of these ideas are like pieces of a puzzle that work together, and if you have a newborn, you can begin to implement this positive approach NOW, which will make things all that much easier as your baby grows into toddlerhood and beyond.

First, please know that there is no “magic” as suggested by one popular book (which I don’t recommend). Helping your child grow up to be a happy, healthy, independent, co-operative child and young adult is a process that begins at birth and doesn’t end until they are well into their teenage years.You are your child’s first and most important teachers, role models, and guides. In fact, it’s most likely that your children are taking cues and learning from your behavior, as much as from anything you say to them. With this idea in mind, you should also understand that your child will save her worst behavior for you and will test you and push you to your limits time and time again.

The good news is that this is actually desirable and healthy. Why is this so? Believe it or not, it’s because if you are responsive to your children and meet their basic needs, they come to love and trust you more than anyone else in the world. They count on your unconditional love, and trust that no matter how difficult things may become, you are the people who will always be there for them, always love them, and always try to do and give your best for them.

Understanding some basic developmental principles can help you to remain calm and supportive when parenting a young toddler. There is no time, except for maybe during your child’s teenage years, that can be more difficult and trying. Yet toddlers can be such a joy and delight to their parents and others because they are so alive, curious, playful,and interested in everything and everyone around them.

In fact, I am going to suggest that toddlers are MOST interested in learning about others and their feelings and reactions, at the same time they are trying to develop their own sense of self and independence. Hence, the many interpersonal conflicts and struggles that arise. Your toddler is newly interested in both how she can make things happen, and how different people react to her and the things she does. She doesn’t have a lot of experience in the world yet, and is just barely beginning to feel and express empathy, but can’t yet take another person’s point of view (perspective taking).

As an example, have you ever been sad or upset and had your toddler run to you and offer you her favorite blanket? She knows that when she’s upset, she wants her blankie, and it makes her feel better, so she reasons that you’ll feel better if she offers you her blanket, even if what would really make you feel better is a glass of wine, or ten minutes of peace and quiet!

It can be an exhausting time for you as a parent and yes, your child has the incredible energy and ability to continue to persevere in testing you and the limits you have set long after you have exhausted your reservoir of patience and sanity, but once again, this is normal and healthy!

It can help to think of your toddler as a social scientist, who has an unlimited amount of interest and energy to devote to investigating the boundaries of acceptable human behavior- because this is indeed what is happening. This is a necessary process for her to go through in order to develop self regulation (the ability to set limits for herself) friendships, an understanding of herself and others, and how to get along in the world.

My answer to maintaining your sanity while guiding your child through this process while helping her to learn to be reasonably cooperative (most of the time), does not involve counting, yelling, spanking, bribing, or time outs (for your child, anyway). Tomorrow: the power of empathy to transform resistance into co-operation.

Baby Dancing

Diana Suskind is a professor at Fitchburg State College in Massachusetts and is the person who introduced me to RIE and to Magda Gerber’s work.

She is a wonderful, creative lady and a tireless advocate for RIE. She has literally traveled the world introducing Magda and the RIE philosophy to parents, children, and child care providers. In fact, she is now headed to Nepal to continue a project she started there a year or two ago.

Diana also coined the term “tarry time” to describe the time it takes for a young child to respond to a stimulus, such as a request from a parent, or a change in body position. Since everything is so new to infants it takes them a longer time to process and respond to what is happening, and adults can help young children by slowing down and waiting, thus giving the child the time she needs to fully integrate her experience. I will write more about tarry time in another post.

My intention in this post is to introduce you to a sweet board book for children, that contains an important lesson for parents as well. Baby Dancing was written by Diana and is now available for purchase directly through Diana or this website.

Baby Dancing takes the reader through the seasons of a baby’s first year or so, depicting the natural gross motor milestones a baby achieves from laying on his back, to standing and walking. The soft watercolor drawings and the simple, lilting text celebrate each achievement.

One of the cornerstones of Magda’s teachings is to never interfere with a baby’s natural gross motor development but to allow it to happen naturally. This means no tummy time before a baby has learned to roll onto her tummy by herself. It also means not propping a baby into a sitting position before he can achieve that position on his own. Baby seats, baby swings, high chairs,exersaucers, and baby jumpers are all discouraged.

I know, it sounds hard, but it’s not, and it saves tons of money on unnecessary baby equipment as well! The payoff is a young child who is at ease and secure in his body, and often very graceful in his movements.

This is what Baby Dancing is all about, plus it’s fun ( no preaching ), and little ones love having it read to them again and again.

You can now download a copy of Baby_Dancing (in English and Spanish) from Diana’s website Stonework Play.

Waiting- A Potty Learning Story

Here’s the example you have been waiting for! Honestly, the problem is not what to say, the problem is finding the time to post everything there is to say!

Without fail, the majority of questions and worries parents have tend to fall into three main categories: eating, sleeping,and developmental milestones – for example- ” Will she ever – walk, talk, sleep through the night, use the potty, stop throwing tantrums, learn to listen, learn to enjoy water?”

Most parents honestly don’t know the answers to these questions, for the simple reason that they haven’t ever had a child before, and never spent much time with children before having one of their own! And even if they are second time parents, each child is so unique, that sometimes it’s hard to know if a behavior is “normal” or not. That’s because there is a wide range of normal for any given child!

Sometimes parents unknowingly make a very small problem into a bigger one due to their own fear, worry, concern, and sincere desire to “help” or encourage their child.

I’m lucky in a sense, because I’ve worked with and observed so many families and children over the years, I can usually say and mean, “Don’t worry. Just relax and wait, and this will pass.”

And much to the relief of the parents I counsel – it usually turns out that everything does resolve itself in time, and all is well until the next developmental turning point.

Here is a little secret about how children grow and develop physically, mentally, and emotionally:
They do it in spurts throughout their childhood and into young adulthood. And each growth spurt is accompanied by a period of disequilibrium, which can cause even the most easy going baby to suddenly be fussy for a time, or for a” good”eater to go on a hunger strike, or for a baby who has been walking to “regress” and start to crawl again, or for any number of other surprising changes in a baby’s behavior.

So here is a potty learning story that illustrates the principle I’m referring to. I refer to this story as my “You can lead a child to the potty, but you can’t make her use it until she’s ready,” story.

S. started to show interest in using the potty at about two years old. Her Mom and Dad purchased a little potty chair for her and placed it in the bathroom, and whenever she would follow one of us into the bathroom, and at bath-time, we’d invite her to sit on her potty. She had several successes and was quite proud of herself, and couldn’t wait to wear the cute new underwear she and her Mom had picked out for her at the store.

Then suddenly, much to the dismay of her parents, S. decided she was not interested in using the potty at all- ever ! When we asked her if she wanted to sit on the potty, she said, “Not now,” “When I get bigger,” or just plain “No.” One day she told me, ” But Lisa, I already did it,” in response to my question about whether or not she’d like to sit on the potty. (This cracked me up- because, it seemed to me she was saying, “I did it, everyone cheered, so why do I have to keep doing it again and again?”)

Anyway, Mom and Dad became worried, and wanted to discuss strategies. I told them I had only one – drop it, and let S. decide when she wanted to come back to this particular task. No reminders, no pressure, no bribes, no sticker charts, no candy, no discussions, nothing.

So they tried and mostly succeeded in following my advice (with a few more “adult only” coversations where I reassured them nothing was wrong, and not to worry).

Then one day last week, S. who is now two years and 9 months old, woke up and announced that only babies pee and poo in their diapers, and she used to too, but she was a big girl now, and she peed and pooed in the potty.

And she did! And she does! Within the past two weeks, S. has gone from peeing and pooing in her diapers to wearing underwear and using the potty 99.9% of the time- even asking at our little yoga class (when she had a diaper on “just in case”), to go to the potty!

S. is so proud of herself! Her parents are thrilled, and proud of her, and a little in awe too, of just how easy the whole process was.

And I am so proud of all of them! Magda Gerber said time and time again- “When a child is ready, he will do it.” (The “it” being sitting up, walking, using the potty, using his “words”, etc.) Her message to parents was always to do less, worry less , and trust and enjoy children more.

Parenting is a hard enough job without worrying about the things that really come as a natural part of a child’s maturation, and require just time and patience on our part….

Wait

Suppose: Imagine you felt accepted and supported just as you are, appreciated for everything you do, celebrated and observed in each new accomplishment and allowed time to explore, try, experiment and experience life without judgment or fear of failure. How would it feel to build a lifetime from this strong foundation? Linda Hinrichs

So often parents come to me with questions and concerns about their child’s development – “All of the other babies in our play group have been sitting up for months now. When will my baby learn to sit up?” “Will she ever get over her fear of the water and learn to swim?” “When will he start talking?” She’s almost four years old, and she’s not potty trained yet. Should I be worried?” “I’m worried because s/he doesn’t (fill in the blank), yet.”

I’ve often been encouraged by parents, colleagues, and friends to write a book for parents. I have always maintained that there was no need for this since the two best books (Your Self Confident Baby, and Dear Parent) I’ve ever read on the subject of caring for babies have already been written by one of my finest teachers. I really can’t think of anything to add- or a better way to say what she already has.

This being the case – if I was going to write a book it would be short, simple, and sweet- not at all my usual style.

Lucky you, I am going to convey the entire contents of my book to you now, and it won’t cost you a penny!

The idea for this book came to me yesterday, as I realized that time and time again, when parents come to me with concerns regarding their children my answer to their questions boils down to one word- “WAIT!”

So the title of my book is Wait!

The entire text of the book is as follows: Whatever concerns you may have regarding your child and her development – just wait. Most likely, the “issue” will resolve itself on its own if you are patient. Try to sit back, relax, notice, appreciate, and enjoy your child for exactly who s/he is and what s/he is doing right now. Try not to worry. Just wait, and trust that s/he will unfold in her own perfect way, and her own perfect time.

Of course, when I counsel parents, I use many more words, many reassurances, and many examples to illustrate the value of this wisdom, and I try to speak specifically and directly to each parent’s individual concerns and circumstances, but the overall message is often the same.

I in no way mean to undermine or trivialize the questions and concerns parents often have about their children. I do recognize that there are times and circumstances when action is called for, but for all our children ask of us and need from us, perhaps the greatest gift we can give them, and what they most need from us, is patience, and trust that they will achieve developmental milestones in their own unique time, and ways.

“If I sit back, let him get to things when he’s ready, and don’t push, he does just fine. In fact, he thrives. He surprises me. He’ll become exactly who he is supposed to be, exactly when he’s supposed to.” Devon Corneal

(I originally wrote this post on June 9, 2008. I was inspired by the article, Sink or Swim to update and republish on July 10, 2012. )

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