Category: Infant Care

Choosing Childcare For Infants and Toddlers- Essential Considerations

 

In the day-to-day give and take of good infant/toddler child care, children and their caregivers relate in a way that looks much like a dance, with the child leading, the caregiver picking up the rhythm and following. When a caregiver reads and responds to the young child’s messages with sensitivity, the child’s hunger to be understood is satisfied. The conviction that “I am someone who is paid attention to” becomes part of the infant or toddler’s identity. Doctor J. Ronald Lally

It’s a wonder I haven’t tackled the topic of what to consider when choosing childcare for infants and toddlers before because it’s one parents often ask me about. Part of the reason I tend to shy away from this subject is that I have a bias against center-based or group childcare for children under the age of three, partly because I know firsthand how woefully inadequate many programs are at truly meeting the unique needs of babies and toddlers.

  baby bentrup

As Doctor Ronald Lally of the Program For Infant Toddler Care says, “Simply put, a preschooler has already formed a pretty solid sense of identity, with definite likes, dislikes, inclinations, and attitudes, but an infant or toddler is forming his or her sense of identity. Part of what the infant gets from the caregiver is a sense of who that caregiver is; this sense is incorporated into the infant’s definition of self. The process of forming a strong positive identity should occur in a setting that offers security, protection, and intimacy. It doesn’t happen in “school”; it happens in a continuing relationship with a caregiver.”

I understand it isn’t a possibility for many families, whether due to personal choice, family structure, or financial considerations, to stay home with their babies, and/or to hire a nanny to provide in-home care until they are three years of age or so. If a family chooses or requires care outside of the home, I encourage parents to consider small home-based family childcare centers, as well as larger centers. Little River School Online wrote a very informative and helpful post describing the different options parents have when it comes to choosing childcare, outlining some of the pros and cons of the different choices, that you may want to take a look at Finding The Right Child Care Fit. Ultimately, it’s not the type of care that is as important, as it is the quality of care.

In a chapter of Your Self Confident Baby entitled How to Select the Right Child Care, Magda Gerber wrote, “Parents have often asked me if it is detrimental for a child brought up following RIE philosophy to be in a child care situation that doesn’t follow it. Not necessarily. I strongly believe good is good. Finding a kind, gentle person who pays attention to your child is the important thing. Honesty is a good quality too.”

The components that I consider essential to quality center-based infant toddler care include the following:

1) Number one, and most important in my book, is looking for caregivers or teachers who are patient, kind, good observers and listeners, and who seem to enjoy being with babies and toddlers. A professional caregiver or teacher will possibly hold a degree in early childhood development or education, and at the very least, will actively pursue ongoing personal learning and professional development opportunities. 

2) Next is primary caregiving (defined as one or two special people who care for and know your child well); and small group size. How small? Ideally,  there will be one caregiver for every three babies 15 months and younger, with a total group size of no more than eight (I prefer 6.), and one caregiver for every four toddlers 15 months to three years of age with a total group size of no more than twelve. (I prefer eight.)

3) Continuity of care is also important. This means the same caregiver(s) care for your child throughout their time at the center. There should be a predictable but flexible routine that allows for responsive and individualized care, and the environment should allow for and encourage lots of free play and exploration, choice, and autonomy, indoors and out.

4) I wish that I didn’t even have to include this next statement, but observation and experience make it necessary: Direct teaching, academics, and screen technology of any kind should have no place at all in childcare settings for babies and toddlers. Magda Gerber talked about the importance of “caregiving as the curriculum” meaning that for babies and toddlers, everything about their day is a learning opportunity. Teachers should follow the baby’s lead and meet individual needs during diapering, feeding, and sleeping times. Schedules should be flexible to accommodate individual preferences. Babies and toddlers don’t need a planned curriculum, they need responsive, attentive caregivers, who take the time to build relationships, provide predictable routines, and allow them to explore freely. 

So, how to gauge if a particular center or setting is the right one for you and your child?

1) Start by defining what is most important to you, and ask friends and other parents to share their recommendations and experiences. Take a look at these guides from the National Association For The Education of Young Children that give tips on what to look for in a quality infant or toddler program.

2) Do an online search to find local centers, and spend some time looking at their websites. Your local resource and referral center may be a good place to start.

3) Don’t skip this step! Call and visit each center you are considering, and spend time observing the teachers who will care for your child. If possible, visit at least once on your own and then again with your child. Ask lots of questions (mostly of the director, as teachers will be focused on the children in their care).

4) Most importantly, pay attention to your gut reactions as you observe, because if it doesn’t “feel right” to you for any reason, it probably isn’t! 

Beyond basic health and safety considerations, here are some things other parents have said were important to them:

“Enough time to accompany your child in the transition time. Enough outdoor time regardless of the weather. In the end, you must like it and trust the teachers, so your child can feel safe and happy there.”

“I know that I am looking for the following qualities: a “non-academic” play-based place, staffed by caring, positive-minded, joyful people who aim to raise kids with intrinsic motivation and who don’t “Good job!” everything to death. People who believe in firm, clear boundaries and who don’t socialize kids to perform and to please. Most importantly, people who believe that there is no right or wrong way to play. A no-media environment, healthy organic foods, outdoor space, and use of non-toxic home products and cleaning materials and I would be one very, very happy lady! I am finding that these things are not exactly easy to find!”

“Outdoor space and an absence of flashcards, or drill-kill-type activities would be wonderful, too. I would also look for a place that has routines and structures in place with plenty of time for free exploration and play during the day. Racial and cultural diversity is also important. Perhaps I am too selective?” (Not at all!)

“I would say to look for rooms that are set up to encourage independent exploration. Look for teachers who are not hovering, yet are available, helpful, and compassionate”

“Look for a place that will let you sit in a corner and observe – it’s the little parts of the day that make the whole. Look for respect in how the teachers treat the children, listen to how they speak to them, and watch for lots of creative, open-ended play. Make sure to ask the staff what they believe about children – their answers will speak volumes!”

“Good ratios (number of adults per child), experienced respectful teachers, lots of open-ended play objects, daily outdoor time, hands-on activities offered daily. Trust your gut. If it doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t right for you.”

“Priority on time outside in all weather, gender non-specific toys, lack of branded toys, plenty of books in good shape. Clean, welcoming space that your child finds inviting and understands. Caregivers who care for themselves, communicate clearly. A routine (not necessarily a schedule) that allows for both structured and unstructured time. Consistent adults with current vaccinations and background checks. Healthy food, shared in community. Clear professional policies.”

A good center will be licensed and may be accredited by the National Association for The Education of Young Children  (NAEYC) or another accrediting organization (although this alone does not guarantee quality), will have a clear, written philosophy of care, an open door policy (meaning parents are welcome and encouraged to visit and observe at any time), and will strive for, and put a priority on open daily written and verbal communication between caregiver/center and home.

Many quality programs include a parent education and support component which may include daily or weekly notes and/or observations regarding your child, monthly newsletters, a lending library, monthly parent meetings, social gatherings such as potlucks or community work days, monthly adult-only meetings on “hot” parenting topics, parent/infant classes, home visits from teachers, meetings with teachers and/or directors to discuss a child’s development and progress and answer parent questions, a parent handbook, a Facebook page or website with a blog and/or community board, and more. There must be two-way communication between the family and caregiver/center. Quality programs will offer their teachers and staff ongoing professional education and support opportunities, as well.

The books Your Self Confident Baby, and One, Two, Three The Toddler Years both have chapters that distill the most important tips and considerations for parents searching for the right care for their baby or toddler. It’s not an easy task, but it is possible to find care for your baby that feels good and works for your family, and it’s worth it to start early and do your research to find the best fit.

 

One last note: I strongly urge parents, teachers, caregivers, or anyone who cares about infants and toddlers to become an advocate for quality family services, policies, and childcare. All families and all babies and toddlers deserve access to quality and affordable services and support. An easy way to become informed and active is to join a group such as For Our Babies, which is a nonprofit organization started by Ronald Lally and Peter Mangione which advocates for quality childcare and:

1) Prenatal health care coverage for all families, regardless of income, including home-based support and counseling during pregnancy.

2) Affordable intervention services for at-risk pregnancies.

3) Paid leave for parents for the first nine months of their child’s life.

4) Affordable visits to the homes of all newborns for the first two years that include guidance by professionals trained in parenting and healthy development, along with counseling on early emotional, social, intellectual, linguistic, and perceptual/motor development.

5) Affordable developmental screenings to identify physical and behavioral needs, with referral to affordable help when needed.

6) Affordable services for children with identified special needs.

Check it out today!

I hope that this post will be helpful to you in thinking about your options, and defining what is most important when choosing care for your baby or toddler. Further, I invite you to share your questions, experiences, and tips with others if you’ve been through this process in the comment section below.

 

 

Your Baby Has Decided Something Already ~ Can you see?

R+January+2013+009

they say that the beginning
is marked by birth

never mind what you were doing for ten long months
tucked inside your mother’s core

they want to swaddle you, pass you, restrain you, decide for you
but it was you who decided something already

this morning you looked at a ray of sun

illuminating your own hand

there were no flashcards, no claps of approval
to choreograph this relationship with light

in a few months, a rattle will be used
you will be asked to smile, to coo, to say hello
“Good job, Henry!” “Good boy, Henry!” Good boy!”

is this when we begin to live life for others?
does it begin with a name? a certificate? a swaddle?
does it begin with the toy shoved in the palm of a hand
underneath the morning light? ~ Leyla Momeny

Leyla, who is a public school teacher in San Francisco, penned this poem while waiting at the airport for her flight home after completing the RIE Foundations Summer Intensive Course in Los Angeles. I’m thrilled to be able to share her thoughts with you. This is the first in what I hope will be a series of reflections from parents, care-givers, students and others who are putting Magda Gerber’s RIE philosophy into practice in “real life.” My hope is that by sharing the voices and experiences of a diverse group, we can illuminate ways in which respectful care-giving can benefit babies and adults, and strengthen families. What does respectful care look and sound like? What are the challenges, the questions, the joys, of caring for or parenting babies and toddlers in this way?

Leyla says, “I discovered RIE when my daughter was seventeen months old. It was a wonderful discovery and incredibly thought-provoking and trans-formative. I like to think that my girl has experienced the benefits of RIE, even at a “late” start. It is such a powerful framework for parenting and I can’t think of anything as beautiful and respectful as Magda Gerber’s notion of “wants nothing” time.”

 

“Be careful what you teach the child, you may interfere with what he is learning. Once, many years ago, I saw a child lying on the floor trying to catch something in a very dreamy, beautiful way.  I did not see anything, but I knew that the child saw something.  Only as I walked around did I realize that the dust in the air was creating a rainbow and that is what the child saw.  That stayed with me as a symbolic reminder so that now when people do things, I want to say, ‘That child may just see that rainbow—don’t interrupt, Wait.’ ” ~ Magda Gerber

“Some days, the “RIEness” of my household is plainly evident: expressions of emotion are respected, play is not parent-directed, interactions are cooperative, autonomy is encouraged and respected, and boundaries are lovingly firm. This isn’t always the case, but it is what my husband and I strive for.

There are certainly challenges to parenting with this approach. People might think you’re a bit wacky. Other parents might wonder why you aren’t jumping up and down with earth-shattering delight and infectious enthusiasm when your child scales a challenging climbing structure or generously hands a coveted toy over to a new friend. It is difficult to communicate your belief in protecting and valuing a toddler’s intrinsic motivation, in thirty seconds or less, to another busy parent across the sandbox!

I have many, many questions, too. I am a new and humble student of RIE and feel I’ve made many “mistakes” in the past with this parenting thing. It’s all a process! What I have learned through studying Magda Gerber’s work is this: Infants are competent, autonomous beings. There is a difference between doing things TO THEM vs. WITH THEM. From day one, it is possible to cooperate with infants. There are specific steps to this such as always explaining what you are doing when diapering, feeding, or bathing. I’ve learned to slow down and to wait; to follow an infant’s cues. The pace most of us go at is a rushed, frenetic pace that can be anxiety-inducing to babies. Slowing down and touching and responding with great respect and care is a place to start.”

 

 

Emptying Our Minds in Order to Be More Present With Babies

This was a good reminder for me. It’s hard to be present and responsive and enjoy what’s right in front of us if our mind is full of thoughts and worries about other things. I wish I knew who to credit for this drawing, but I don’t. I found it on facebook, and tried to trace it to its origins, and while it appears in many places on the web, it’s always without attribution.

If I could draw even simple stick figures, I’d replicate it, but I’d depict an adult and a child walking together. I think small children are naturals when it comes to being fully present and engaged in the moment. This picture also reminds me of the importance and healing quality of spending time in nature, which can help to quiet our minds. I had the opportunity to experiment with quieting my mind and awakening my senses to all that was around me just two weeks ago during a hiking trip into the wilds of Big Sur. Each morning before beginning our hike, our leader would help to set a tone and focus our attention by reading a selected poem, and inviting us to join in a simple ritual of “bowing in”, after which we’d spend the first leg of our hike walking in silence.

 

When I studied with Magda Gerber, she often talked about the importance of the quality of attention adults brought to interactions with children. She stressed the necessity of slowing down, and really focusing, and bringing our full attention to the child.

In her post Magda Gerber’s Gift To Grown Ups, Janet Lansbury writes about two kinds of quality time we can spend with babies and toddlers:

“One of the gifts that I am most grateful for is Magda Gerber’s description of two types of ‘quality time.’ The first kind: “wants something” quality time is when we have a task to do with a baby like diapering, feeding, bathing, or clipping his toenails, and we challenge ourselves to slow down,  ignoring our instinct to zip through it as quickly as possible. We try to focus on the experience, talking the baby through each step, asking for cooperation, sometimes dealing with resistance. It suddenly occurs to us, “What’s the rush? Is there anything more important than this time together right now? Why are these moments with a child any less important than his ‘play time’?” The child looks into our eyes as if to ask us what will happen next, and we realize that we are indeed having an intimate moment together.

The second kind of quality time, “wants nothing,” can encompass a wide range of experiences, but all we are asked to do is pay attention and have no agenda of our own. It can mean being quietly available as a baby explores patterns of light on a blanket beneath him, or standing nearby while he has a screaming meltdown because he cannot have another cookie. It may be trickier to see the benefit for parents and caregivers in this latter scenario, but it is clarity. When we pay full attention to our child for intervals each day, no matter what the tone of our exchange or the outcome is, we are giving him the quality time he needs. We are doing our job.”

Magda taught an exercise that I find helpful to this day in achieving this quiet, present state of mind. She suggested that before entering a parent/infant class, or before beginning a care giving task with babies, adults should take a moment to consciously slow down, and empty the contents of their minds into a basket (real or imaginary). Imagine depositing all of your worries, your lists of things that need to be done, your thoughts about what to make for dinner, into that basket, and saying to yourself, “I am leaving you here now, but I promise I’ll be back to pick you up soon.” It’s such a simple thing to do, but for me, has been very powerful.

Do you have a favorite way to bring yourself more fully into the present moment? Do you notice a difference in the way your baby or toddler responds when you are able to be more slow and focused in your interactions?

Mind In The Making: Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs

What can we do to keep the fire in our children’s eyes burning brightly? How can families and teachers give children the life skills they need to cope in our multi-tasking, multimedia, modern world? These are the central questions Ellen Galinsky explores in the book, Mind In The Making: Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs.

 

 

I had read Mind In The Making shortly after it was published in 2010, and was avidly following Amanda Morgan’s (Not Just Cute) series of “read along” posts delving deeply into the contents of the book, so I was thrilled to have the opportunity to meet Ellen during a recent talk she gave about the book. Ellen introduced Mind In The Making as an “accidental book”- one that took over ten years to write. She explained, “I didn’t set out to write a book. I started with the idea of doing a study on Youth and Learning. But- “In the course of interviewing young people (from many different backgrounds) for the study, I found far too many of them were turned off by learning, which is in stark contrast to very young children, who are driven to learn. I postponed the study on Youth & Learning and began a journey to answer the following questions: 1) How do children learn best? 2) What makes them stay motivated and engaged in learning? 3) What makes them see themselves as learners, and how do they become ongoing, life-long learners? 4) What can be done to rekindle their motivation if it has been dulled?”

Ellen then decided to make a documentary exploring the best science on children’s learning. But, after a few months of interviewing researchers and working with a production company to film experiments, the documentary grew to become a series. Four to five years later, after examining research across many disciplines, Ellen said she began to see a certain set of skills that emerge in all children who are motivated, engaged learners. She could also see, from looking at longitudinal research, that if parents and teachers promoted these skills, it made a critical difference, and helped children to thrive throughout their lives, which is why she defined the seven skills she identified as life skills. She quipped, “Everyone does something. Some people kayak, and others climb mountains for adventure. I follow research and call it adventure.” My kind of lady!

Ellen Galinsky

All seven of the skills Ellen identified involve what scientists call executive functions of the brain. (Executive functions all involve the prefrontal cortex of the brain, and we use them to manage our attention, our emotions, and our behavior in order to reach our goals. They aren’t just intellectual skills (what we typically think of as IQ), but also encompass social and emotional capacities, and “go beyond what we know, to tap into how we use what we know.” The seven life skills are as follows:

  • Focus and Self Control
  • Perspective Taking
  • Communicating
  • Making Connections
  • Critical Thinking
  • Taking On Challenges
  • Self Directed, Engaged Learning

Ellen went on to explain that she wanted to write a book that would bring the research alive in an interesting and engaging way, and not guilt parents, but instead, be hopeful and help them to see how they could nurture their children’s development of  these seven life skills through everyday interactions and activities. I’d say she succeeded brilliantly in her goal.

She stressed that these skills are as important for adults as they are for children, and that when we practice them ourselves (modeling), we help promote them in children. “We don’t need expensive programs, materials, or equipment to promote these skills- they can be promoted through the everyday things we do with children, and it’s never too late to help children learn these skills- no matter what their age.” During her talk she used video clips to introduce various researchers and bring the research alive, by bringing us into the lab to watch experiments in action, and in the book, she shares numerous examples that translate the research into “real life” situations. She provides a parent’s perspective, and shares some of her own experiences and lessons she learned from parenting her two (now grown) children. She also offers short experiential exercises for adults, and many suggestions for enjoyable and easy ways for parents and teachers to encourage and support children in developing the seven life skills- through the conversations we have, the games we play, the routines and rituals we develop, and even through the difficulties and disagreements that naturally occur between siblings or between parents and children. (Sibling relationships provide fertile ground for helping children to develop their skills in perspective taking or “understanding the other”, communication, and problem solving!)

There was a group of early childhood educators seated behind me in the auditorium, and I had to grin when one of them couldn’t contain an enthusiastic, “Uh huh! What took them so long to figure that out?”,  as Ellen underscored the point that young children learn and solidify focus and self control through active movement of their bodies. What is often very obvious and “known”  to those of us who care for, teach, and observe young children on a daily basis is just now being studied, understood, and quantified by researchers.

What was exciting to me as I was reading the book and listening to Ellen speak, is what the researchers are now discovering about babies and toddlers and how they learn. Most people don’t think to pair the word “competent” with  infants, yet, they are competent to begin participating in relationship and learning from their first moments, and the research provides some striking examples of ways we can support even the youngest and most fragile of babies to begin to develop the skills they will need and use for life. I am especially interested in making connections between the current research and my practice of Magda Gerber’s philosophy of educaring (educaring = teaching  while caring).

 

premature baby
Particularly fascinating to me, and what I want to highlight in this post and the next, is Heidelise Als’s (of Harvard University) research with preterm infants (born ten to twelve weeks before their due date) in neonatal intensive care units. Als’s work points to the tremendous competence and resilience even the most fragile baby is born with. Ellen shares in her book that her son Philip was born premature, so Als’s research was of particular interest to her, as well. Ellen believes Als’s work has important implications for all children, because it is instructive in how we can work with children to help them to thrive and cope in the face of challenges, becoming stronger in the process.

This short video clip provides a brief interview with Als, highlights how her ideas are benefiting some premature infants, and suggests why her findings might be helpful to all of us interested in helping children to develop their inborn abilities  to take on challenges and cope with stress. I invite you to take a moment to watch.

In my next post, I will share more about Als’s discoveries and approach, which she describes as a developmental, relationship based, respectful way to support even the youngest infants to manage their own stress, by encouraging them “to use the abilities that they are born with for coping and calming down.”

I’ll leave you with this quote from Als, which is where I begin my next post….

“If we can understand the ‘words’ the baby is saying, maybe we can fill in the meaning of the sentence and understand the message.”

 

 

Is “The Happiest Baby On The Block” the Most Oppressed? Why I’m Not a Fan of The “5 S” Method of Calming Crying Babies

Cry Baby

Is it just possible that the Happiest Baby On The Block is the most oppressed? If a parent responds to a baby’s cries as Doctor Harvey Karp suggests, from her earliest moments, the baby may be getting the message that her cries won’t be tolerated or taken seriously. I know this is absolutely the last message in the world that loving, caring parents intend to send to their babies, which is why I have a difficult time tolerating it when professionals package and sell programs to unsuspecting and vulnerable parents who only want to understand and offer comfort to their babies.

Consider: What messages might a baby be receiving if we respond to their cries in the way Doctor Harvey Karp demonstrates in this video?

 

 

https://youtube.com/watch?v=guRi6zyFHtwframeborder%3D0allowfullscreen

 

Doctor Karp teaches new parents to “recreate the conditions of the womb” in order to comfort and quiet babies through using a method he refers to as the “5 S’s“:

  • Tight Swaddling: Karp says, “Tight swaddling provides the continuous touching and support your baby is used to experiencing within the womb.”  ( I don’t recommend tight swaddling because I believe babies need and deserve to be free to move their arms and legs, which is one of the ways they discharge energy. Additionally, tight swaddling can cause or aggravate existing hip problems. A better alternative is a sleep sack.)
  • Side/stomach position: “The infant is placed on their left side to assist in digestion, or on their stomach to provide reassuring support. “But never use the stomach position for putting your baby to sleep,” cautions Karp. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) is linked to stomach-down sleep positions. When a baby is in a stomach down position do not leave them even for a moment.” ( I’ve written about the drawbacks of  placing  babies on their stomachs before they can move into this position independently. It’s not worth the risk to your baby’s health, development, or safety to place her into a side or stomach position  in the hopes that it will stop her crying.)
  • Shushing sounds: “These imitate the continual whooshing sound made by the blood flowing through arteries near the womb.” ( I don’t believe loudly shushing a baby sends the message that I’m present, available, and listening.)
  • Swinging: Newborns are used to the swinging motions within their mother’s womb, so entering the gravity driven world of the outside is like a sailor adapting to land after nine months at sea. “It’s disorienting and unnatural,” says Karp. Rocking, car rides, and other swinging movements all can help. ( Babies quickly get used to and become dependent on rocking, car rides, bouncing, or swinging to lull them and to put them to sleep, and then come to need these things. I believe it best to comfort babies with a minimum amount of movement. Rocking, swaying, or walking with a crying baby is often comforting for the adult, but I’d avoid taking the baby for car rides in the hopes of quieting them. Magda Gerber suggested, “All the many forms of what we call comforting, bouncing a child on one’s knee or rocking her in a rocking chair, often express our own nervous energy and frustration when confronted with a crying baby.”)
  • Sucking: “Sucking has its effects deep within the nervous system,” notes Karp, “and triggers the calming reflex and releases natural chemicals within the brain.” (It’s true that babies derive comfort from sucking, but they find their hands or thumbs quickly when given an opportunity.)

Karp suggests using these “techniques” in the first weeks and months of a baby’s life, and all at once! I don’t know about you, but I didn’t observe that baby Maya was comforted by  having the “5 S’s” administered. To my eyes, she appeared to be shocked into silence. Not only that, but she was being “handled” and manipulated as if she was an object, not a human being. In fact, when I viewed the video for the first time, I didn’t realize that Doctor Karp was “using” an actual baby to “demonstrate” his method- I thought he was shaking a doll. I heard Janet Lansbury’s gentle admonishment, “If you wouldn’t want it done to you, don’t do it to your baby. In fact, don’t do things to your baby, do things with your baby.”

Even more upsetting and insulting, Maya is being talked about as if she’s not there, as Karp goes on to advise the trusting mom how to “trick” her baby into holding onto the pacifier, by “pretending” to pull it away from her. When he asks Mom if Maya might be hungry, and the reply is “Yes,” he allows that it’s natural for Maya to be fussy, and “If you were at home and not doing a little class, you’d feed her.”  So- the baby is expressing a need, and the mother is understanding the baby’s communication, and the good doctor advises the mom to ignore her baby’s communication in the interest of continuing to demonstrate how well his calming technique works- for the cameras and all the world to see.

Again I ask, what message is Maya receiving? Wouldn’t it be better to help mom and baby to build their relationship by encouraging mom to listen, respond to, and honor Maya’s expressed need to eat? I would have been less incensed had Dr. Karp at least acknowledged or talked to the baby about what was happening. The infant was completely left out of the equation here.

Another difficulty I have with programs like Dr. Karp’s, which are meant to teach parents to “magically” stop a baby’s crying, is that they set up unrealistic expectations for parents. All soothing “strategies” may work some of the time, but nothing works all of the time.

This should not be a surprise; after all, babies are not machines, and do not act like machines. The problem is, of course, that programs that claim to be successful, especially when you “do it right,” can raise expectations that you should be able to soothe your infant. Then, if you can’t, and the infant continues to cry, you can feel even worse than you felt from the crying alone, because you have now “failed” somehow. The saddest thing is to hear about parents who say, even when they have done all the things they were promised would work, but their baby keeps crying, “I feel like such a failure.” Ronald G. Barr, MDCM, FRCP(C)

 

“Many babies cry a lot during the first weeks, even the first three months. There can be several reasons; most likely the premature organism does not yet function smoothly and babies have to learn to adapt to a very different life from the one that they were accustomed to in the womb.” Magda Gerber

I believe babies (even the most fragile) are up to the challenge of adapting, thriving, and participating in their own process when given a bit of gentle, calm support. Every effort should be made to understand and respond sensitively to a baby’s cry (which I see as communication), but I do not believe that we should try to (or need to) artificially recreate the conditions of the womb in order to quiet a crying baby.

In fact, quieting a crying baby should never be the goal. I suggest taking a deep breath, slowing and calming yourself before responding. Listen and try to understand why the baby is crying. You might say, “I hear you crying. I wonder what you might be saying?” If there is a need that can be met, like hunger, or the need for sleep, then it makes sense to respond by meeting the need. If baby is crying, and you can’t discern an obvious reason, then it can be helpful to reduce stimulation to a minimum, and just gently hold him, or lie her down. Skin to skin contact, gently swaying your body while cuddling baby in your arms, talking softly or quietly humming a song, may comfort your baby (or maybe it comforts you), but sometimes, you may find that nothing you do has a calming effect.

What is important for all parents to understand (but especially new parents),  is that it is normal and natural for babies to cry. In fact, this is what is sometimes referred to as The Period of PURPLE Crying which “begins at about 2 weeks of age and continues until about 3-4 months. There are common characteristics of this phase, or period, which are described by the acronym PURPLE. All babies go through this Period; it is just that during this time some can cry a lot, some far less, but they all do go through it,” writes Marilyn Barr, Founder/Executive Director, NCSBS

I want to help all adults and new parents to understand that each day, newborn babies mature and “settle” a bit more, and that from the very beginning, babies are learning about themselves, about us, and about their world through their interactions with us. Babies are dependent on adults to meet their needs, but this doesn’t mean that they are not conscious human beings. Babies deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, and as partners in relationship from their very first moments.

I’m passionate about helping new parents to understand their babies’ cries, and encouraging them to feel confident in responding in ways that will strengthen and build the relationship and communication between them and their baby. To that end, I’m offering some further resources here, and as always, I welcome all questions and comments.

Period of Purple Crying, A New Way To Understand Your Baby’s Crying

What Is All That Crying About?  Ronald G. Barr, MDCM, FRCPC

The Truth About Infant Self Soothing Janet Lansbury

7 Reasons To Calm Down About Babies Crying Janet Lansbury

The Secret Language of Babies Janet Lansbury

It’s Okay to Let Your Baby Cry Gracelings

Babies and Crying: What’s a parent to do? Lisa Sunbury

Soothing Your Baby the Calms Way Parenting With Love

Your Baby Is Speaking To You

Newborn babies communicate with us from birth, in a language all their own. Their body posture, cries, subtle changes in expression, even the reflexes they are born with, speak volumes, but it can be a little bit hard to “understand” a baby’s way of “speaking” if you haven’t spent a lot of time hanging out with them. Well,  thanks to the new book  Your Baby Is Speaking To You,  a visual guide to the amazing behaviors of your newborn and growing baby, by Doctor Kevin Nugent, with photographs by Abelardo Morell, decoding your baby’s subtle cues just might be a little easier and less perplexing. As a professional “baby watcher” I was  captivated by this absolutely gorgeous photographic exploration of what a baby’s early postures and communications convey. This is a resource that I will be adding to my recommended books, and giving often as a gift to new and expectant parents. I highly recommend this book to  professionals working with newborns and their parents, as well.

Written in a clear, accessible, non-judgmental tone, each two page spread explores a different aspect of a baby’s “language” from sleeping to crying, to eating, to yawning, and more, by juxtaposing a photograph on one side of the page, with a brief explanation illuminating the meaning on the opposite page.From the Introduction:

“Whether it is an arching of the eyebrows or a furrowing of the brow, a splaying of the fingers or a tightening of the leg muscles, these signals are the “words” or “phrases” your baby uses to communicate, the phonemes of his first language, his first words. These behavioral signals are not random: they convey messages , provide information, and tell you what kind of caregiving your baby needs to grow and develop, what he likes or prefers, and what he does not like. Your Baby Is Speaking to You, will tell you how to watch for and interpret all these signals.”

Take a peek inside the book here, but be forewarned, if you’re noise sensitive, you might want to turn the volume off first. (When I showed this clip to a friend, he commented that the “awful sound” accompanying the video detracted from the overall beauty and message being conveyed.)

 

 

Update: This article, entitled “Know Your Baby”  appeared in The Irish Times on July 26, 2011. It  is a  fascinating exploration of Dr. Kevin Nugent’s work , and philosophy. Worth the read.

 

Take Care of Yourself

 

“As much as we want to do for and give to our children, we can’t pour into them when we’re running on empty. Every once in a while, and definitely more often than most of us do, we need to fill our own buckets. This looks different for each of us – walking, exercising, reading, writing, scrapbooking, Zumba – whatever it is, I’d encourage you to just do it! And not feel guilty about it…. Put on your own oxygen mask first! Self-care is not selfish. It simply enables you to breathe.” Tammi

KURDISTAN Flowers Nature

I always thought the Peace Corps got it wrong; theirs isn’t “the toughest job you’re ever going to love”- parenting is! The airlines, on the other hand, got it right: if you’re traveling with a child, and an oxygen mask becomes necessary, you should secure your mask before turning your attention to your child’s needs. This is good advice for parenting in general.

Take care of yourself so that you can be present for, and take care of your child. Make sure you are well nourished, and well rested. (Take naps when your child does, if you can.) Don’t feel guilty about turning off the phone and the computer at times – the phone calls and messages will wait. Lower your expectations for yourself in terms of keeping a perfectly clean home and cooking gourmet meals. (Get ye to Trader Joe’s if you’ve got one near you.)

Ask your partner to pitch in with chores and childcare (and be gracious enough to allow him or her to do things his/her own way). Hire all the help you can afford, or if you can’t afford help, trade off an afternoon of childcare with another Mom, and/or ask family or friends to help out when you need it.

Buy yourself flowers, take deep breaths often, go to the park and talk to other Moms, or join a free on-line community. You know what it is that will best nurture and sustain you, and if you don’t, you need to figure it out. Then take/make time to do whatever it is that nurtures you on a regular basis.

Who really cares if your children are wearing two different colored socks when it comes right down to it? (They may be trend setters!) You can drive yourself crazy trying to maintain some perfect standard, or you can relax, and enjoy your time with your child. You can only do so much in a day. It’s important to figure out who and what is truly important to you, and focus your energy there. No guilt allowed! “Do less,enjoy more,” was Magda Gerber’s mantra, or would have been, had she had a mantra!

When times are hard, remind yourself that whatever it is, it will pass. While I don’t agree with time out for children, I highly recommend regular time out for adults! Here are a few ways to accomplish a time out for yourself when you are feeling impatient or at your wits end:

One way is to be honest and say to your child, “Things aren’t working right now. I feel impatient and need a break.” Once you’ve said this, take a break! Place your child in a safe place with some books and toys, take a deep breath, and make a cup of tea. Though I generally don’t advocate TV for young children, if you are not adverse to the idea, NOW is the time to pop in that 30 minute Sesame Street video.

Or, you can practice a technique a fellow colleague of mine calls Stop, Drop, and Roll (with the punches). When you feel yourself starting to lose perspective, ready to cry, or yell at your child, JUST STOP.

Stop trying to do whatever you were trying to do (or encourage your toddler to do), get down on the floor with her, and play for ten minutes. You can read a story, sing a song, do some yoga poses, or best of all, quietly observe your child and enjoy her.

Remind yourself that you love her. Remind yourself that whatever it is that seems so impossible in this moment will pass in time. When you are ready, start fresh again. It may sound crazy, but I know from experience and parent testimonials- “It works! It works!”

Another idea is to take the baby and get outside in nature. A simple walk around the block can do wonders for your mood, and for your child’s.

Remember, you are your child’s first role model and teacher. If you don’t pay attention to, and make it a priority to take time to take care of yourself, how can you expect to teach your child to focus, co-operate, and participate in her own self care?

For those who are parents of babies and young toddlers, and like to read, here are two books I recommend: Mama Zen, Walking The Crooked Path of Motherhood, and  1, 2, 3 The Toddler Years, A Practical Guide For Parents and Caregivers. 

We aren’t born with the skills necessary to know how to parent our children well, and in many cases we haven’t had good role models ourselves. Even if we have had good role models, our parents may be deceased, or we may live far away from them.

It is so important for parents today to find a community, and not to live in isolation. Take advantage of every available resource open to you to gain information and support. There are free and low cost resources in every community- so you need not feel support and help are out of reach if you don’t have a lot of money.

Be good to yourself, and this will enable you to not just survive, but to thrive, and enjoy your child’s early years!

What ways you’ve found to nourish and take care of yourself as a parent? Please share!

Updated: October 2, 2012

Wait

Suppose: Imagine you felt accepted and supported just as you are, appreciated for everything you do, celebrated and observed in each new accomplishment and allowed time to explore, try, experiment and experience life without judgment or fear of failure. How would it feel to build a lifetime from this strong foundation? Linda Hinrichs

baby robins ©2011 jessi k
So often parents come to me with questions and concerns about their child’s development – “All of the other babies in our play group have been sitting up for months now. When will my baby learn to sit up?” “Will she ever get over her fear of the water and learn to swim?” “When will he start talking?” She’s almost four years old, and she’s not potty trained yet. Should I be worried?” “I’m worried because s/he doesn’t (fill in the blank), yet.”

I’ve often been encouraged by parents, colleagues, and friends to write a book for parents. I have always maintained that there was no need for this since the two best books (Your Self Confident Baby, and Dear Parent) I’ve ever read on the subject of caring for babies have already been written by one of my finest teachers. I really can’t think of anything to add- or a better way to say what she already has.

This being the case – if I was going to write a book it would be short, simple, and sweet- not at all my usual style.

Lucky you, I am going to convey the entire contents of my book to you now, and it won’t cost you a penny!

The idea for this book came to me yesterday, as I realized that time and time again, when parents come to me with concerns regarding their children my answer to their questions boils down to one word- “WAIT!”

So the title of my book is Wait!

“The Hand That Patiently Waits”

 

The entire text of the book is as follows: Whatever concerns you may have regarding your child and her development – just wait. Most likely, the “issue” will resolve itself on its own if you are patient. Try to sit back, relax, notice, appreciate, and enjoy your child for exactly who s/he is and what s/he is doing right now. Try not to worry. Just wait, and trust that s/he will unfold in her own perfect way, and her own perfect time.

Of course, when I counsel parents, I use many more words, many reassurances, and many examples to illustrate the value of this wisdom, and I try to speak specifically and directly to each parent’s  individual concerns and circumstances, but the overall message is often the same.

I in no way mean to undermine or trivialize the questions and concerns parents often have about their children. I do recognize that there are times and circumstances when action is called for, but for all our children ask of us and need from us, perhaps the greatest gift we can give them, and what they most need from us, is patience, and trust that they will achieve developmental milestones in their own unique time, and ways.

“If I sit back, let him get to things when he’s ready, and don’t push, he does just fine. In fact, he thrives. He surprises me. He’ll become exactly who he is supposed to be, exactly when he’s supposed to.” Devon Corneal

(I  originally wrote this post on June 9, 2008. I was inspired by the article, Sink or Swim to update and republish on July 10, 2012. )