Category: Inspiration

Take Care of Yourself

 

“As much as we want to do for and give to our children, we can’t pour into them when we’re running on empty. Every once in a while, and definitely more often than most of us do, we need to fill our own buckets. This looks different for each of us – walking, exercising, reading, writing, scrapbooking, Zumba – whatever it is, I’d encourage you to just do it! And not feel guilty about it…. Put on your own oxygen mask first! Self-care is not selfish. It simply enables you to breathe.” Tammi

KURDISTAN Flowers Nature

I always thought the Peace Corps got it wrong; theirs isn’t “the toughest job you’re ever going to love”- parenting is! The airlines, on the other hand, got it right: if you’re traveling with a child, and an oxygen mask becomes necessary, you should secure your mask before turning your attention to your child’s needs. This is good advice for parenting in general.

Take care of yourself so that you can be present for, and take care of your child. Make sure you are well nourished, and well rested. (Take naps when your child does, if you can.) Don’t feel guilty about turning off the phone and the computer at times – the phone calls and messages will wait. Lower your expectations for yourself in terms of keeping a perfectly clean home and cooking gourmet meals. (Get ye to Trader Joe’s if you’ve got one near you.)

Ask your partner to pitch in with chores and childcare (and be gracious enough to allow him or her to do things his/her own way). Hire all the help you can afford, or if you can’t afford help, trade off an afternoon of childcare with another Mom, and/or ask family or friends to help out when you need it.

Buy yourself flowers, take deep breaths often, go to the park and talk to other Moms, or join a free on-line community. You know what it is that will best nurture and sustain you, and if you don’t, you need to figure it out. Then take/make time to do whatever it is that nurtures you on a regular basis.

Who really cares if your children are wearing two different colored socks when it comes right down to it? (They may be trend setters!) You can drive yourself crazy trying to maintain some perfect standard, or you can relax, and enjoy your time with your child. You can only do so much in a day. It’s important to figure out who and what is truly important to you, and focus your energy there. No guilt allowed! “Do less,enjoy more,” was Magda Gerber’s mantra, or would have been, had she had a mantra!

When times are hard, remind yourself that whatever it is, it will pass. While I don’t agree with time out for children, I highly recommend regular time out for adults! Here are a few ways to accomplish a time out for yourself when you are feeling impatient or at your wits end:

One way is to be honest and say to your child, “Things aren’t working right now. I feel impatient and need a break.” Once you’ve said this, take a break! Place your child in a safe place with some books and toys, take a deep breath, and make a cup of tea. Though I generally don’t advocate TV for young children, if you are not adverse to the idea, NOW is the time to pop in that 30 minute Sesame Street video.

Or, you can practice a technique a fellow colleague of mine calls Stop, Drop, and Roll (with the punches). When you feel yourself starting to lose perspective, ready to cry, or yell at your child, JUST STOP.

Stop trying to do whatever you were trying to do (or encourage your toddler to do), get down on the floor with her, and play for ten minutes. You can read a story, sing a song, do some yoga poses, or best of all, quietly observe your child and enjoy her.

Remind yourself that you love her. Remind yourself that whatever it is that seems so impossible in this moment will pass in time. When you are ready, start fresh again. It may sound crazy, but I know from experience and parent testimonials- “It works! It works!”

Another idea is to take the baby and get outside in nature. A simple walk around the block can do wonders for your mood, and for your child’s.

Remember, you are your child’s first role model and teacher. If you don’t pay attention to, and make it a priority to take time to take care of yourself, how can you expect to teach your child to focus, co-operate, and participate in her own self care?

For those who are parents of babies and young toddlers, and like to read, here are two books I recommend: Mama Zen, Walking The Crooked Path of Motherhood, and  1, 2, 3 The Toddler Years, A Practical Guide For Parents and Caregivers. 

We aren’t born with the skills necessary to know how to parent our children well, and in many cases we haven’t had good role models ourselves. Even if we have had good role models, our parents may be deceased, or we may live far away from them.

It is so important for parents today to find a community, and not to live in isolation. Take advantage of every available resource open to you to gain information and support. There are free and low cost resources in every community- so you need not feel support and help are out of reach if you don’t have a lot of money.

Be good to yourself, and this will enable you to not just survive, but to thrive, and enjoy your child’s early years!

What ways you’ve found to nourish and take care of yourself as a parent? Please share!

Updated: October 2, 2012

Baby Dancing

 

Diana Suskind is a professor at Fitchburg State College in Massachusetts and is the person who introduced me to RIE and to Magda Gerber’s work.

She is a wonderful, creative lady and a tireless advocate for RIE. She has literally traveled the world introducing Magda and the RIE philosophy to parents, children, and child care providers. In fact, she is now headed to Nepal to continue a project she started there a year or two ago.

Diana also coined the term “tarry time” to describe the time it takes for a young child to respond to a stimulus, such as a request from a parent, or a change in body position. Since everything is so new to infants it takes them a longer time to process and respond to what is happening, and adults can help young children by slowing down and waiting, thus giving the child the time she needs to fully integrate her experience. I will write more about tarry time in another post.

My intention in this post is to introduce you to a sweet board book for children, that contains an important lesson for parents as well. Baby Dancing was written by Diana and is now available for purchase directly through Diana or this website.

Baby Dancing takes the reader through the seasons of a baby’s first year or so, depicting the natural gross motor milestones a baby achieves from laying on his back, to standing and walking. The soft watercolor drawings and the simple, lilting text celebrate each achievement.

One of the cornerstones of Magda’s teachings is to never interfere with a baby’s natural gross motor development but to allow it to happen naturally. This means no tummy time before a baby has learned to roll onto her tummy by herself. It also means not propping a baby into a sitting position before he can achieve that position on his own. Baby seats, baby swings, high chairs,exersaucers, and baby jumpers are all discouraged.

I know, it sounds hard, but it’s not, and it saves tons of money on unnecessary baby equipment as well! The payoff is a young child who is at ease and secure in his body, and often very graceful in his movements.

This is what Baby Dancing is all about, plus it’s fun ( no preaching ), and little ones love having it read to them again and again.

You can now download a copy of Baby_Dancing (in English and Spanish) from Diana’s website Stonework Play.

 

Graduation Gift

I have no children of my own- at least not biologically.

I am blessed to have children by proxy. I’ve known M. and her family for 17 years, since their first child, S. was born. I’ve been honored to help care for S. and her sister M.,and to share in their lives in an ongoing and meaningful way for all of this time.

In fact, S. was my “first baby.”.. I couldn’t love her or respect her more if she was my very own child, and yet our relationship has sometimes challenged me and pushed me to my limits. We have struggled through together. It was S. who cried when I left to live and work in California, but it was her sister M. who always welcomed me back into the fold with open arms and an open heart.

After being away for almost 10 years , I moved back to my home in Cambridge, MA, and once again became a daily part of M. and S.’s lives. Of course both girls were teenagers now , not the little girls (ages two and six) that I had left. so many years ago. In the years I was away, I had to content myself with weekly phone calls, and not frequent enough visits, to keep involved in their lives.

Long story short, I’ve been home for two years now, and both girls just celebrated amazing milestones this past week- S. graduated from high-school and M. from the 8th grade. I was honored to be able to attend both ceremonies, along with their parents and grandparents.

Of course, I GAVE gifts, but I also received one that I never expected. M. and I often engage in deep conversation and sometimes heated debate on any number of subjects. My once adoring girl was often heard quoting one of her favorite teachers during these interchanges. It was, “Ms. S. this and Ms. S. that”, and while I was thrilled that she had such a wonderful role model and mentor, I sometimes felt a little left out….

I’d met many of M.’s teachers throughout the years, but had never laid eyes on Ms. S. so I took the opportunity to introduce myself after M.’s graduation ceremony.

Much to my surprise, I’d barely finished saying “My name is Lisa and I’m M.’s … ” before Ms. S. embraced me and uttered words to the effect of , “So you are M.’s Lisa ! I feel as if I know you already, because M. talks about you so often in class ! ” It’s Lisa this and Lisa that, and Lisa made me think… “.

I was in shock and told Ms. S. that at home it was, ” Ms. S. this and Ms. S. that,” which is why I felt compelled to meet her and thank her !

Needless to say, I was near tears. I was so touched. And I was reminded of the importance of never, never underestimating the impact my words and actions could have upon a child.

So, to parents of toddlers and teenagers: it may seem like your children are not paying attention, and/or disregarding everything you have to say – but it’s not true. Keep trusting them, respecting them , listening to them, and talking with them – even if it seems they are dismissing your every word and gesture. It can and does make a difference !

Wait

Suppose: Imagine you felt accepted and supported just as you are, appreciated for everything you do, celebrated and observed in each new accomplishment and allowed time to explore, try, experiment and experience life without judgment or fear of failure. How would it feel to build a lifetime from this strong foundation? Linda Hinrichs

baby robins ©2011 jessi k
So often parents come to me with questions and concerns about their child’s development – “All of the other babies in our play group have been sitting up for months now. When will my baby learn to sit up?” “Will she ever get over her fear of the water and learn to swim?” “When will he start talking?” She’s almost four years old, and she’s not potty trained yet. Should I be worried?” “I’m worried because s/he doesn’t (fill in the blank), yet.”

I’ve often been encouraged by parents, colleagues, and friends to write a book for parents. I have always maintained that there was no need for this since the two best books (Your Self Confident Baby, and Dear Parent) I’ve ever read on the subject of caring for babies have already been written by one of my finest teachers. I really can’t think of anything to add- or a better way to say what she already has.

This being the case – if I was going to write a book it would be short, simple, and sweet- not at all my usual style.

Lucky you, I am going to convey the entire contents of my book to you now, and it won’t cost you a penny!

The idea for this book came to me yesterday, as I realized that time and time again, when parents come to me with concerns regarding their children my answer to their questions boils down to one word- “WAIT!”

So the title of my book is Wait!

“The Hand That Patiently Waits”

 

The entire text of the book is as follows: Whatever concerns you may have regarding your child and her development – just wait. Most likely, the “issue” will resolve itself on its own if you are patient. Try to sit back, relax, notice, appreciate, and enjoy your child for exactly who s/he is and what s/he is doing right now. Try not to worry. Just wait, and trust that s/he will unfold in her own perfect way, and her own perfect time.

Of course, when I counsel parents, I use many more words, many reassurances, and many examples to illustrate the value of this wisdom, and I try to speak specifically and directly to each parent’s  individual concerns and circumstances, but the overall message is often the same.

I in no way mean to undermine or trivialize the questions and concerns parents often have about their children. I do recognize that there are times and circumstances when action is called for, but for all our children ask of us and need from us, perhaps the greatest gift we can give them, and what they most need from us, is patience, and trust that they will achieve developmental milestones in their own unique time, and ways.

“If I sit back, let him get to things when he’s ready, and don’t push, he does just fine. In fact, he thrives. He surprises me. He’ll become exactly who he is supposed to be, exactly when he’s supposed to.” Devon Corneal

(I  originally wrote this post on June 9, 2008. I was inspired by the article, Sink or Swim to update and republish on July 10, 2012. )

Meditation- Slowly, Slowly, Slowly

Eric Carle is one of my favorite children’s book authors. Recently S. (who is now two and a half years old) and I checked  “Slowly Slowly Slowly Said The Sloth”,  out of the library. This book delighted S. and never failed to relax her before nap time as I read it in a very quiet and s-l-o-w voice. What I really loved, (and lifted from the back of the book to share with you) was a note to readers that Eric Carle wrote that struck me as a good meditation for our times and for all of us – parents or not- so here it is:

Why are we always in such a hurry ? Rush! Rush! Rush! We scurry from here to there. We play computer games and then-quick! click! -we watch t.v. We eat fast food. Everyone tells us to make it snappy. Hurry up ! Time is flying. Step on it ! There’s so little time to be with friends, to watch a sunset, or gaze at a star-filled sky. AH, what we could learn -even if just a little-from the gentle sloth who slowly, slowly, slowly, crawls along the branch of a tree, eats a little, sleeps a lot, and lives in peace.

It strikes me that one of the paradoxes of parenting is that spending a day caring for a busy toddler can seem like it will never end, and yet this time in a child’s life is so fleeting…
One of the great gifts of parenting or caring for a young child is the many opportunities we are offered to slow down and exist in the present moment. Try to take a breath today, and create an opening to just be with your little one in a relaxed way for a few minutes or more. See if it doesn’t make a difference for both of you.