Category: Relationship

Is “The Happiest Baby On The Block” the Most Oppressed? Why I’m Not a Fan of The “5 S” Method of Calming Crying Babies

Cry Baby

Is it just possible that the Happiest Baby On The Block is the most oppressed? If a parent responds to a baby’s cries as Doctor Harvey Karp suggests, from her earliest moments, the baby may be getting the message that her cries won’t be tolerated or taken seriously. I know this is absolutely the last message in the world that loving, caring parents intend to send to their babies, which is why I have a difficult time tolerating it when professionals package and sell programs to unsuspecting and vulnerable parents who only want to understand and offer comfort to their babies.

Consider: What messages might a baby be receiving if we respond to their cries in the way Doctor Harvey Karp demonstrates in this video?

 

 

https://youtube.com/watch?v=guRi6zyFHtwframeborder%3D0allowfullscreen

 

Doctor Karp teaches new parents to “recreate the conditions of the womb” in order to comfort and quiet babies through using a method he refers to as the “5 S’s“:

  • Tight Swaddling: Karp says, “Tight swaddling provides the continuous touching and support your baby is used to experiencing within the womb.”  ( I don’t recommend tight swaddling because I believe babies need and deserve to be free to move their arms and legs, which is one of the ways they discharge energy. Additionally, tight swaddling can cause or aggravate existing hip problems. A better alternative is a sleep sack.)
  • Side/stomach position: “The infant is placed on their left side to assist in digestion, or on their stomach to provide reassuring support. “But never use the stomach position for putting your baby to sleep,” cautions Karp. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) is linked to stomach-down sleep positions. When a baby is in a stomach down position do not leave them even for a moment.” ( I’ve written about the drawbacks of  placing  babies on their stomachs before they can move into this position independently. It’s not worth the risk to your baby’s health, development, or safety to place her into a side or stomach position  in the hopes that it will stop her crying.)
  • Shushing sounds: “These imitate the continual whooshing sound made by the blood flowing through arteries near the womb.” ( I don’t believe loudly shushing a baby sends the message that I’m present, available, and listening.)
  • Swinging: Newborns are used to the swinging motions within their mother’s womb, so entering the gravity driven world of the outside is like a sailor adapting to land after nine months at sea. “It’s disorienting and unnatural,” says Karp. Rocking, car rides, and other swinging movements all can help. ( Babies quickly get used to and become dependent on rocking, car rides, bouncing, or swinging to lull them and to put them to sleep, and then come to need these things. I believe it best to comfort babies with a minimum amount of movement. Rocking, swaying, or walking with a crying baby is often comforting for the adult, but I’d avoid taking the baby for car rides in the hopes of quieting them. Magda Gerber suggested, “All the many forms of what we call comforting, bouncing a child on one’s knee or rocking her in a rocking chair, often express our own nervous energy and frustration when confronted with a crying baby.”)
  • Sucking: “Sucking has its effects deep within the nervous system,” notes Karp, “and triggers the calming reflex and releases natural chemicals within the brain.” (It’s true that babies derive comfort from sucking, but they find their hands or thumbs quickly when given an opportunity.)

Karp suggests using these “techniques” in the first weeks and months of a baby’s life, and all at once! I don’t know about you, but I didn’t observe that baby Maya was comforted by  having the “5 S’s” administered. To my eyes, she appeared to be shocked into silence. Not only that, but she was being “handled” and manipulated as if she was an object, not a human being. In fact, when I viewed the video for the first time, I didn’t realize that Doctor Karp was “using” an actual baby to “demonstrate” his method- I thought he was shaking a doll. I heard Janet Lansbury’s gentle admonishment, “If you wouldn’t want it done to you, don’t do it to your baby. In fact, don’t do things to your baby, do things with your baby.”

Even more upsetting and insulting, Maya is being talked about as if she’s not there, as Karp goes on to advise the trusting mom how to “trick” her baby into holding onto the pacifier, by “pretending” to pull it away from her. When he asks Mom if Maya might be hungry, and the reply is “Yes,” he allows that it’s natural for Maya to be fussy, and “If you were at home and not doing a little class, you’d feed her.”  So- the baby is expressing a need, and the mother is understanding the baby’s communication, and the good doctor advises the mom to ignore her baby’s communication in the interest of continuing to demonstrate how well his calming technique works- for the cameras and all the world to see.

Again I ask, what message is Maya receiving? Wouldn’t it be better to help mom and baby to build their relationship by encouraging mom to listen, respond to, and honor Maya’s expressed need to eat? I would have been less incensed had Dr. Karp at least acknowledged or talked to the baby about what was happening. The infant was completely left out of the equation here.

Another difficulty I have with programs like Dr. Karp’s, which are meant to teach parents to “magically” stop a baby’s crying, is that they set up unrealistic expectations for parents. All soothing “strategies” may work some of the time, but nothing works all of the time.

This should not be a surprise; after all, babies are not machines, and do not act like machines. The problem is, of course, that programs that claim to be successful, especially when you “do it right,” can raise expectations that you should be able to soothe your infant. Then, if you can’t, and the infant continues to cry, you can feel even worse than you felt from the crying alone, because you have now “failed” somehow. The saddest thing is to hear about parents who say, even when they have done all the things they were promised would work, but their baby keeps crying, “I feel like such a failure.” Ronald G. Barr, MDCM, FRCP(C)

 

“Many babies cry a lot during the first weeks, even the first three months. There can be several reasons; most likely the premature organism does not yet function smoothly and babies have to learn to adapt to a very different life from the one that they were accustomed to in the womb.” Magda Gerber

I believe babies (even the most fragile) are up to the challenge of adapting, thriving, and participating in their own process when given a bit of gentle, calm support. Every effort should be made to understand and respond sensitively to a baby’s cry (which I see as communication), but I do not believe that we should try to (or need to) artificially recreate the conditions of the womb in order to quiet a crying baby.

In fact, quieting a crying baby should never be the goal. I suggest taking a deep breath, slowing and calming yourself before responding. Listen and try to understand why the baby is crying. You might say, “I hear you crying. I wonder what you might be saying?” If there is a need that can be met, like hunger, or the need for sleep, then it makes sense to respond by meeting the need. If baby is crying, and you can’t discern an obvious reason, then it can be helpful to reduce stimulation to a minimum, and just gently hold him, or lie her down. Skin to skin contact, gently swaying your body while cuddling baby in your arms, talking softly or quietly humming a song, may comfort your baby (or maybe it comforts you), but sometimes, you may find that nothing you do has a calming effect.

What is important for all parents to understand (but especially new parents),  is that it is normal and natural for babies to cry. In fact, this is what is sometimes referred to as The Period of PURPLE Crying which “begins at about 2 weeks of age and continues until about 3-4 months. There are common characteristics of this phase, or period, which are described by the acronym PURPLE. All babies go through this Period; it is just that during this time some can cry a lot, some far less, but they all do go through it,” writes Marilyn Barr, Founder/Executive Director, NCSBS

I want to help all adults and new parents to understand that each day, newborn babies mature and “settle” a bit more, and that from the very beginning, babies are learning about themselves, about us, and about their world through their interactions with us. Babies are dependent on adults to meet their needs, but this doesn’t mean that they are not conscious human beings. Babies deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, and as partners in relationship from their very first moments.

I’m passionate about helping new parents to understand their babies’ cries, and encouraging them to feel confident in responding in ways that will strengthen and build the relationship and communication between them and their baby. To that end, I’m offering some further resources here, and as always, I welcome all questions and comments.

Period of Purple Crying, A New Way To Understand Your Baby’s Crying

What Is All That Crying About?  Ronald G. Barr, MDCM, FRCPC

The Truth About Infant Self Soothing Janet Lansbury

7 Reasons To Calm Down About Babies Crying Janet Lansbury

The Secret Language of Babies Janet Lansbury

It’s Okay to Let Your Baby Cry Gracelings

Babies and Crying: What’s a parent to do? Lisa Sunbury

Soothing Your Baby the Calms Way Parenting With Love

Parenting Is A Journey -Sign Posts to Guide You

Janis Keyser, author of Becoming The Parent You Want To Be, opened her talk Parenting Is A Journey by sharing that Laura Davis, who is the  co-author of the book, lobbied hard for titling the book Become The Parent You Want To Be. Janis argued that they couldn’t name the book Become The Parent You Want To Be because “no one will ever do it.” She explained,  “It’s impossible to become the parent you want to be, because parenting is a process, one that you approach day by day.  It’s about becoming.” She noted that there really is no easy way to prepare to be a parent. “You can care for or teach other people’s children, but the real “training” comes once you become a parent. It’s on the job training, when you are sleep deprived and there is no time.” And if you are a parent to more than one child, “each child asks of you to be a different parent.”

 

Let Go of Perfection 

Perfection is not the goal. It’s about letting go of perfection, and being with what is. “Children give us a second chance to see the world with fresh eyes.”

“Perfect parents are not useful for children, because perfect parents don’t model how you make a mistake, and what you do next.” “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. I made a mistake. I will try to do that in a different way the next time.”  Children think adults are so competent. They think you know everything. What a wonderful example you set when you model for them: “You can be as big and as competent as I am, and still be learning.”

 

Define Values

“HERE is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin. It is, as far as he knows, the only way of coming downstairs, but sometimes he feels that there really is another way, if only he could stop bumping for a moment and think of it.” A.A. Milne

 

Janis said this scene from a Winnie The Pooh story is a good analogy for parenting. You go bumping along from day to day doing the best you can. It may be the only way you know, but sometimes you may have an inking that there might be another way, if only you had a moment to stop and think about it! Learning about, and understanding how your child develops can help you, as can taking time to reflect on the values you want to teach. Take the time to stop for a moment and consider how you’d answer these two questions (we did this exercise in the workshop):

1) Imagine your your child as a twenty year old. If you asked him to complete the following sentence what would you want him to say? (Try to think of five things you’d want him to say he learned.) In my family I learned:

2) Now, can you think of one example, or one way that you transmitted one of these values to your child this week?

It can also be helpful to reflect upon what you learned in your family, and to ask yourself if these are values you want to pass on to your children. Often times, you may find you unconsciously parent exactly like your parents or exactly the opposite of your parents. You may find that you share similar values, but have a different way of teaching them. Janis, who is the mother of three, stepmother to five, and grandmother to many children, was reminded of this one day when her late husband said to her, “You can send your mother home now,” but her mother wasn’t visiting. Her husband’s words made Janis realize she was acting like her mother in a particular instance.

Our children learn from every single interaction they have with us, even the hard ones. We are always sending messages, both implicit and explicit through every exchange we have with our children. It’s not just our tone of voice and what we say that conveys our values, but also what we do, and the spirit in which we do it. To illustrate this point, Janis told a story about one of her daughters who had been going through an extended period of experiencing intense temper tantrums. Janis was feeling like nothing she was doing was helping her daughter. One day, in frustration, she asked her daughter what she could do to help her, because she didn’t know. Her daughter thought about it for a moment and said, “What you already do. Hold me. Keep me safe. Stay until I’m done. Listen to me.” Janis realized then that her daughter was getting the message she wanted to send, even though she was still struggling.

Janis’s four year old son once had a fascination with guns, and one day he constructed a toy gun out of legos, and came to show her. His explanation to her was that the gun he made shot the guns out of the bad guys’ hands and made them peaceful. At the age of four, her son understood that if he was going to talk with Janis about guns, the conversation somehow had to include peace.

Another time, her thirteen year old daughter wanted to attend a movie that Janis wasn’t sure was appropriate. As Janis was debating whether or not to let her daughter go to the movie, she suggested maybe she would go to the movie with her daughter. Her daughter”s response? “Mom you  don’t need to go to the movie with me. Your voice is already in my head!”

 

Walk together
On the Journey Together

 

Share Values Through Relationship

We tell our children what it is they can talk about through opening up the conversation, not through correcting, but through listening, and through sharing our own feelings. If we don’t talk about and share our feelings, then children learn not to talk about feelings. Janis talked about being a “champion crier” as a small child, yet as she grew up she internalized the message “Big girls don’t cry.” She was never told to stop crying, and  her mother sometimes cried, but when her mother cried it was always clear that she was disappointed in herself . To this day, when Janis’s mother calls to talk with her, Janis is always “Fine!” (said with a great big smile), no matter how she feels or what is happening in her life.

We can show interest in our children’s experience, by trying to understand the thinking behind their thinking. “Tell me more.” “How do you think that happens?” The conversation between parent and child is ideally a give and take. When a Mom takes the time to slow down and share in her child’s fascination with watching a catepillar, this is seemingly a small gesture, but here are some of the messages the child might receive in that moment: “Simple shared moments can bring joy.” “What I notice is important.” ” What I am motivated by is interesting to those who love me.” “Sharing a discovery is even better than making a discovery on my own.” “I can learn more through patient observation than by quickly moving on.”

 

Understand Development and Embrace the Struggle

“There are a few things you can’t make a child do. You can’t make them eat, sleep, or poop on the potty. What you can do is set up the context, create the space, and provide rhythm, and predictability.”

Discipline is one of the greatest gifts we can give children. Boundaries can be created in a respectful and honoring way. “The reason children are given parents is so they can set limits because children don’t always have the experience to make all the best decisions at the moment.” They can learn to make good choices in time, with practice, and within the safe parameters parents provide. The key to setting a limit respectfully is to ask yourself  “What is the good idea that my child has? What is she trying to express, and how can I help her to figure out how to express this idea in a positive way?” For instance, a child who is biting may be trying to express, “I’m teething, it hurts, and it feels really good to chomp on your arm.” Or maybe it’s, “I really want the toy you have in your hand.” Or maybe it’s, “I feel crowded when you get too close.” Or maybe it’s even, “I love you so much, I could just bite you!”

Acknowledge the good idea (what the child is trying to express). “You are feeling crowded. You want some space.” Give information: “You may move away,  or tell Emily to stop if she’s coming too close.” Create safety using both physical and verbal boundaries: “I am here to help you and to keep everyone safe.” Place a hand between two children to prevent a bite. In the case of a child who is biting because of feeling crowded, maybe you stay close to provide narration, or set up a private, quiet space the child can retreat to, or maybe you avoid attending group events  for a time. Give redirection and choices: “I can’t let you bite Emily, but you may bite one of these teething toys if you need to bite.” Acknowledge progress:”You were feeling frustrated when Emily got too close today, but you didn’t bite! You moved away!”  Give the message, “I know you are learning and growing into a person who can express feelings and get your needs without hurting anyone.”

Redefine your role as a coach or facilitator. Honor the process, the struggle, the frustration. “What would it be like if your child was in the middle of a struggle and you were her cheerleader? Ask yourself if there is a way to help your child have a positive, deeply healthy relationship to their struggle, to their feelings, to ALL of them, not just the happy ones.” With your guidance, and modeling, your child can learn to move through feelings to find accomplishment on the other side, and “the next 100,000 times a struggle presents itself, they will have this experience to draw upon.”

In this post, I’ve shared the highlights of Janis Keyser’s April 24th,2012, talk, Parenting Is A Journey, given at The Third Place in Los Altos, California. Janis is a teacher, parent educator, program director and speaker who specializes in Early Childhood Development. She taught for 30 years in the Early Childhood Education Department at Cabrillo College and has been conducting workshops for parents and teachers for over 35 years. She is a nationally recognized speaker at parenting, family and child development conferences. She lives in Santa Cruz, California and is the mother of three, stepmother of five, and grandmother of many.

 

 

 

 

 

Growing, Changing, and Loss

I’ve been contemplating these words from Janet Lansbury for days now, as J., who will turn three years old in less than two weeks, has been growing in leaps and bounds right before our very eyes:

In regard to babies and loss…. Even if we never, ever leave our baby’s side, s/he will experience loss. Leaving the womb is “loss”. Anytime the child grows, accomplishes, becomes a little more independent, there is loss involved. Weaning and toilet learning are losses, even if the child leads the way. When the baby wants mommy and only daddy is available to her, that is loss. Loss is a natural, unavoidable part of life, even for babies. But babies aren’t “afraid” of it the way we might be… However, we can teach them to be. Crying is healing when it is supported by loving parents and caregivers. Babies learn something very empowering…”I’m okay”, or “Mommy comes back”.

I am always conscious of the fact that if I am doing my job as an infant/toddler caregiver well, it means that I am providing the baby with both the support and the freedom s/he needs to become ever more independent, but without pushing before the child is ready. Babies and toddlers grow and change so quickly, and even as adults (sometimes anxiously) look forward to “first times”, cheer new accomplishments, and celebrate developmental milestones and birthdays, both babies and adults sometimes struggle with the feelings of loss that inevitably accompany growth, change, and new achievements. While there can’t be growth without loss, I can’t help but feel that in order to truly embrace the “new” and the “now”, we need to acknowledge (not get stuck in, but just take a moment to contemplate and honor) what once was, what we are letting go of the baby that once was, the relationship that once was- and is now changing. If we can accept all of the sometimes conflicting emotions that come up (for both children and grown-ups) as we and they move through stages and ages, maybe we can move through them with a little more ease.

 

                                          If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies. ~Author Unknown

Monarch Butterfly female

At the end of last week, J. began attending a play based preschool program for three hours each morning (the same one his sister attended starting when she was 40 months old, and J. was just a newborn baby). He is so excited, proud, and happy to be going to what he calls “my school” (just  like his big sister). So far, his adjustment has been going smoothly. There have been a few tears in the morning when his Mom and Dad drop him off, but he quickly calms down and enthusiastically joins in the play. “I cried, because I didn’t want Mommy and Daddy to go. But only a little bit.”

When I arrive to pick J. up, I usually find him hanging from the monkey bars, and he’s eager to show me the new tricks he’s been practicing after he leaps into my arms for a hug. On our drive home, he is full of stories about what he did that day, and the fun he had with his “new best friend” C. It’s clear he’s so ready for this experience. His teachers have remarked on his “delightful sense of humor,” and his “impressive ability to communicate and express his wants, needs, and emotions clearly,”  both to them and his peers.

Yet, the very first day, although he played happily all morning, J. was a bit reluctant to allow the teachers to help him when it came time to change his diaper. He told them, “No fank (thank) you. I’m just going to wait for Lisa. She’ll come and take care of me, and change my diaper.” My eyes welled up with tears when I heard this story. Magda Gerber taught that caregiving times (diapering, feeding, bathing) are relationship building times. She urged adults to slow down and bring full focus and attention to the child during these times, and to include the baby fully in the process. When done Magda’s way, diaper changes are intimate, connected, “together”, enjoyable times between caregiver and baby.

As Janet Lansbury says in How to Love A Diaper Change, “Diapering is not just about getting a job done, or having a clean baby. Our hands are a baby’s introduction to the world. If they touch slowly, gently, and “ask” a child for cooperation rather than demand it, we are rewarded with a relationship bound in trust, respect and the inexorable knowledge of our importance to each other.” To me, J.’s response to his teacher spoke to the close, trusting relationship we had forged over three years of daily diaper changes.

Yesterday afternoon, J. accomplished another big milestone. While I was in the kitchen putting away the dishes, and his sister was in the living room reading a book, J. took it upon himself to use the small potty that’s been sitting in the bathroom since he’s been about two years old. He called to me to help him put his diaper back on after he’d finished pooping. Today, his Mom told me that he called to her at about five this morning, telling her he had to use the potty (despite the fact that he had already wet through his diaper in his sleep). He remained dry during his two hour nap time today though, and used the potty without any prompting from me when I helped undress him for his bath after we picked his sister up from school. It seems he is on his way to mastering toilet learning on his own terms.

Yet, last weekend, as his parents cleaned out the garage to prepare for a yard sale, J. enjoyed revisiting and playing with some of the baby toys he had long outgrown. I sat to watch him play for a bit, when suddenly he lifted his arms and asked me to pick him up. When I did, he said, “Lisa, I want to be a baby and a big boy too.” I nuzzled him and told him I understood.

I do understand, because even as I experience a feeling of joy as I watch J. confidently move into the wider world outside of the close circle of his family, while nonchalantly tackling the task of potty learning, I’ve found myself  feeling a little at loose ends this week. There is a slight sadness and sense of  nostalgia  for the baby boy and young toddler that I have spent the last three years helping to nurture to this place of confidence and independence. We still have a close bond and we share our afternoons together, but he needs me in a different way than he used to. I am missing J.’s company and our mornings together, with all the easy, intimate rhythms and routines we shared, even as I delight in watching him grow and spread his wings to become exactly who he is today, and I revel in the fact that I  have gained  fifteen free hours every week to devote to walking and yoga, writing, volunteering, wedding planning, and (finally!) staring a parent/infant class.

It can be bittersweet, this letting go and saying goodbye to what was, even as we make way for what’s becoming, can’t it?

 

 

 

Falling- A Lesson In Friendship, Forgiveness, and Moving On

He isn’t a baby anymore. He’s growing in leaps and bounds, and scaling new heights every day, in every way. As his world grows larger and he begins to play with other children besides his sister (who has been the world to him up to now), both the physical and the emotional challenges he faces are bigger. At the park last week, J. worked and worked, and was finally able to scrabble up the “big” rock. He sat at the top, next to B. (a little boy we know from our neighborhood, who at almost four years old, is about a year and a half older than J.).

B.’s Mom and I were standing nearby, chatting. Suddenly J. was falling, and he landed face down on the ground next to the rock. I quickly moved in close, and J. lifted his arms to indicate he wanted me to pick him up, while emitting a heartrending sob. I held him close, and gently rubbed his back. I could feel his chest heaving against mine. I wanted to take a look and make sure he wasn’t bleeding anywhere, but he was clinging to me tightly. In between sobs, he choked out these words – “B.  p…p…p…pushed m…m…me!” I could hear the shock and bewilderment in his voice. I understood that while the fall may have hurt, the fact that he had been pushed by a friend hurt more.

In that moment, I felt my stomach clench, and a flash of anger ran through me like a current. My thoughts went something like this: “Why???would B. push J.? How could he? J. is one of the most gentle children I know. He was just sitting there! B. is older- he should know better. How would he like it if someone (like me) pushed him off the rock?” (I know, I know- I’m supposed to be a professional. I’m supposed to know and understand that these things happen, that  it’s all part of  life and learning, and that  both children are in need of compassion. And I do know it, and I practice it.)  But in that moment, it was my J. that was hurt and sobbing because another child had intentionally (and stealthily) pushed him.This was the first time something like this had happened to J. in the two and a half years I’d been caring for him. Somehow, in my heart and mind the fall was worse because someone else had purposely caused him to lose his balance. I felt protective- a little like a Mama Bear maybe- “Don’t  even think about hurting my baby or I’ll hurt you!” But it turned out J. didn’t need my protection, as evidenced by what happened next.

Climbing
B.’s Mom had heard what J. had said, as had B., who had made a quick exit from the scene. As I continued to comfort J., B’s Mom brought him back over to where we were, and asked him if he had pushed J. She was clearly upset and flustered. She was both apologizing to me and telling B. he had to apologize to J. B., meanwhile, wouldn’t look at her, and was trying to squirm away. I was still holding J., who indicated he wanted to get down. Still hiccuping, he walked right up to B., looked him in the eye, and very clearly said, “B. don’t push me! I not like it! You not push me again!” B.’s Mom insisted B. had to apologize to J., and B. offered a halfhearted, “I’m sorry,”  but J. had said what he had to say, and he wasn’t holding any grudges. He was ready to go back to playing. “Come on B.! Want to climb the rock?” Fifteen minutes later, when it was time for us to leave the park, J. was happily waving and calling, “Goodbye B.! Bye, bye! We see you soon.” I spent the last fifteen minutes at the park reassuring B.’s Mom, who was distraught that this “problem with pushing was coming up again.”

I stood humbled and in awe of J., who, at two and a half years old, demonstrated an ability to clearly express his feelings and boundaries, while navigating a difficult situation with grace and forgiveness, which is something I sometimes still struggle to manage to do easily. Young he is, vulnerable he may be, and certainly he needed the comfort of my arms, and my  listening ear when he had been hurt, but how amazing to realize his ability to negotiate a friendship on his own terms. I wonder why it’s so hard for us “grown-ups” to do the same?

Is it hard or easy for you to let your child take new physical or emotional risks? What feelings come up for you when your child is hurt? Are the feelings the same or different when the hurt is caused by someone else’s actions?  How much do you think adults should intervene in children’s interactions or conflicts?

The Way We See Them

Magda Gerber asked us to “look at babies with new eyes,” and consider what it means to treat a baby with respect. Her suggestion to treat a baby with the same respect we’d treat an “honored guest”  is still not  widely understood or practiced by most.

In Always A Bundle of Joy, (at  Positive Parenting: Toddlers And Beyond) the author asks, “Do you think all the labels we have pinned on young children, such as “brats” and “terrible twos” and “tyrannical threes” may have distorted our lens through which we view them?”

I think if you are a  parent, caregiver, or teacher of young children, the way that you parent, care, or guide, is governed by (sometimes unconscious) beliefs you hold about the children in your care. Even parents who claim to eschew parenting philosophies and follow their instincts, are acting out of underlying beliefs about what they think young children are like, and what they need.

Trouble
Trouble? It depends on how you see him.

This is why I begin almost every workshop I do by asking parents, caregivers, or teachers to complete a few simple sentences: Babies are  _____________.  Babies need _______________. Toddlers are _____________. Toddlers need ____________. I ask workshop participants to spend about ten minutes completing this exercise, writing down the first ideas that come to mind. We then go around the room and share our answers. Generally, this leads to a lively discussion, and people are often quite surprised to discover their own biases, and how strongly their beliefs impact their approach to caring for and interacting with children.

If we change our beliefs, we change the way we act. If we change the way we act, we change the outcomes we get. It’s as simple as that. Even when we can’t change the outcome immediately, the way we think about what’s happening can lead us to a more (or less) powerful, peaceful place from which to respond. (For instance, babies cry, and sometimes we don’t know why, nor can we easily soothe them. Depending on our beliefs about why a baby cries, what the cry means, and what a crying baby needs, we will respond in different ways and more or less calmly, even if we can’t easily soothe the baby.) I’ve been reflecting on this simple truth lately, and have been collecting some words of wisdom to inspire me in my daily work with children. I’d like to offer the following as food for thought:

These comments are translated and adapted from a seminar presented by Professor Loris Malaguzzi in Reggio Emilia, Italy, June 1993.

There are hundreds of different images of the child. Each one of you has inside yourself an image of the child that directs you as you begin to relate to a child. This theory within you pushes you to behave in certain ways; it orients you as you talk to the child, listen to the child, observe the child. It is very difficult for you to act contrary to this internal image. For example, if your image is that boys and girls are very different from one another, you will behave differently in your interactions with each of them.

The environment you construct around you and the children also reflects this image you have about the child. There’s a difference between the environment that you are able to build based on a preconceived image of the child and the environment that you can build that is based on the child you see in front of you – the relationship you build with the child, the games you play.

Yesterday, I came across this quote that is so profound, I want to share it in its entirety here:

when we adults think of children, there is a simple truth which we ignore: childhood is not preparation for life, childhood is life. a child isn’t getting ready to live – a child is living. the child is constantly confronted with the nagging question, “what are you going to be?”  courageous would be the youngster who, looking the adult squarely in the face, would say, “i’m not going to be anything; i already am.”  we adults would be shocked by such an insolent remark for we have forgotten, if indeed we ever knew, that a child is an active participating and contributing member of society from the time he is born. childhood isn’t a time when he is molded into a human who will then live life; he is a human who is living life. no child will miss the zest and joy of living unless these are denied him by adults who have convinced themselves that childhood is a period of preparation.

how much heartache we would save ourselves if we would recognize the child as a partner with adults in the process of living, rather than always viewing him as an apprentice. how much we would teach each other…adults with the experience and children with the freshness.  how full both our lives could be. a little child may not lead us, but at least we ought to discuss the trip with him for, after all, life is his and her journey, too.”

– professor t. ripaldi

Finally, Janet Lansbury offers this insight borne out of her experience:

One of the most profound lessons I’ve learned since becoming a mom– reinforced by observing hundreds of other parents and babies interact — is that there is a self-fulfilling prophecy to the way we view our babies. If we believe them to be helpless, dependent, needy (albeit lovely) creatures, their behavior will confirm those beliefs. Alternatively, if we see our infants as capable, intelligent, responsive people ready to participate in life, initiate activity, receive and return our efforts to communicate with them, then we find that they are all of those things.I am not suggesting that we treat infants as small adults. They need a baby’s life, but they deserve the same level of human respect that we give to adults.

 

What do you think? Do you think the image we hold of a child makes a difference in how we treat them? Do you think children “live into” our expectations (even if they are unspoken)? What images do you hold of babies and toddlers? What labels do you assign to them or to their behavior? Do you have any favorite quotes to share about the way we see children, and how our thinking might guide our actions, and impact the response we receive? I’d love it if you’d share!

 

 

 

It IS Possible To Discipline Children Effectively Without Shame- A Very Personal Post

One of the things I appreciate about social media is the opportunity to connect with so many wonderful people, and to learn so much from them. One of the ways I connect and learn is through participating in chats on twitter. There are chats on any number of subjects on any given day, and each chat has it’s own purpose and feel. Chats can range from light and informal, to serious and educational. All chats provide a great opportunity to network, and interact with a number of others who have an interest in the same subject matter. #pschat is one  I participate in on a fairly regular basis (as my work with children allows). It is hosted by the lovely Lela Davidson who is the author of Blacklisted From The PTA, and editor of the parenting squad site.

The majority of the women (and a few men) who participate in the chat  are parents, and the topic each week varies, but it usually centers around a  current “hot button issue”  in parenting. The conversation is lively, and the tone is often lighthearted and funny, and I’ve made some lovely connections. Most of all,  I enjoy “listening in” and hearing from parents regarding their honest thoughts on their parenting challenges and joys. As is my wont, I often play devil’s advocate and bring my own unique point of view to the arena.

This week, the topic and the conversation took a  more serious turn than usual, as the discussion centered on a news story that has been making the rounds recently. The story is about Jessica Beagley, more commonly referred to as the “Hot Sauce Mom.”  She lives in Alaska with her children, two of them adopted from Russia. In this segment, which aired on national television, and was filmed by her daughter, Jessica  punishes her seven year old son for misbehaving at school and lying about it, by washing his mouth out with  hot sauce,  and forcing  him to take a cold shower. Jessica is now being investigated for and charged with child abuse.

Needless to say, there were strong reactions and varying opinions on this topic, and the conversation quickly veered toward this general question: “What are effective ways to discipline children?”  Everyone  participating in the conversation seemed to agree that it is necessary to “teach” discipline, but there was disagreement as to the  best approach, with some advocating for the use of “judicious” spanking, others for  time out,  some for consequences such as the removal of  TV and computer privileges, and still others advocating for more gentle and respectful ways of instilling discipline.

It was clear that we weren’t all going to reach an agreement, but to me, that’s fine. What is important, as far as I’m concerned, is that the conversation is taking place. As my friend Suchada says, “The more people talk, the more the word is out there. It’s the only way change will happen.”  One Mom, who is a believer in spanking as a form of teaching discipline, ended up asking those of us who believed discipline was possible without spanking for resources that gave alternative (effective) ways to discipline children. My final comment, which was passed on by many was this: “We’ve GOT to separate “discipline” from physical punishment, and shame. You can accomplish one without the other!”

Lela concluded with a question to me which inspired this post: ” How do you instill authority? Because at some point the kid has to STOP when you say so, instead of running in the street.” There is no answer to Lela’s question that can be given in 140 characters, which is what one is limited to on twitter. It so happens I wrote a series of posts on the topic a few years ago (before anyone knew I even had a blog). So, over the course of this week, I am going to share those posts,  but I am also going to be writing some new ones on the topic, because this chat made me realize that I have more to say about disciplining children, and the story of the “Hot Sauce Mom” made me realize that parents really need (more) support and specific guidance regarding how to accomplish their goal of teaching children to behave in socially acceptable ways, without using physical punishment or shame.

My goal is to support families and teachers of young children to find ways to discipline that are both respectful to the child, and that work! I want to be clear that I’m not coming from a place of judgment, nor am I a (self proclaimed) expert. I believe people love their children, and  do the very best they can as parents (even Hot Sauce Mom) given their own childhood and life experiences. I also believe that there are effective ways to discipline children that don’t involve using  physical punishment, instilling fear, threatening disconnection, shaming, or intimidating them. Not only do I believe this, I know it to be true, based on my (ongoing) education, personal observation, and professional practice and experience.
#99 a child crying
Why am I so passionate about sharing this message, information, and resources for alternatives to physical punishment as a means to discipline? The answer  is borne out of my own experience as a child. I was disciplined in very traditional ways: “Do as I say, not as I do.”  “If you don’t follow the rules, you will be punished.”  I was bribed to be “good” – “You won’t get xyz if you behave like that.” “You’ll get $5.00 for every  ‘A”  on your report card.”  “You won’t get dessert if you don’t eat all your dinner.”  “Why can’t you be more like your sister?”  I was shamed, and told I was a “bad child,”  when I did “wrong,”  and I was hit with a wooden spoon for general “disobedience,”  slapped across the face for being “fresh” and sassing back, and I  had my mouth washed out with soap for saying bad words.

I am forty eight years old, and I still  remember the pain (both emotional and physical) and the outrage I felt when these “punishments” were meted out. I both loved and feared (and sometimes hated) my parents.  The message I received and internalized was this one: “I am inherently bad.”  I learned to be outwardly compliant, and to cover my tracks and lie very well. (In fact, much to my embarrassment, I was voted “Best Alibi Artist”  my senior year of high school.)  I also learned to be dependent on outside evaluation, and  to look outside of myself  to decide how to conduct myself  and how to live my life, as opposed to developing an inner moral compass to use as a guide. As  I shared during the chat, the way my parents chose to discipline me… “may have kept me out of trouble as a kid, but  kept me in therapy for most of my adult life.”  (My brother and sister didn’t fare as well. My sister committed suicide at the age of fifteen. My brother is still alive, but lost to his addiction to alcohol and drugs.)

Please understand that I love my parents, and I know and believe that they love me. I understand they did their very best to raise me (and my sister and brother) in the only way they knew how, and the way they thought would ensure my happiness and success in life. This is not about blaming or bashing anyone- least of all my parents. In fact, I believe I have my parents to thank for leading me to study with Magda Gerber, and to my ultimate passion, which is the work I do to support children and families. I believe my experiences as a child have also helped  to make me a less judgmental, more compassionate person, in general. (I’d just like to see more children get to where I am today, with a little more joy and ease, and a little less shame, and I’d like the same for parents!)

I’d like to end this post with two questions that I hope you will respond to, so that I can make the next posts I write as empowering and helpful to you as possible: 1) What is (or should be) the goal of discipline? 2) What is your biggest challenge, fear, or question when it comes to teaching your child discipline?

 

 

What’s In A Name?

Names are an important key to what a society values. Anthropologists recognize naming as ‘one of the chief methods for imposing order on perception.’  ~David S. Slawson

Meet jeannezoo of  zella said purple. In her own words, Jeanne is  “an early childhood educator, artist, writer, book collector. committed to constructivist learning environments, documentation and photography as teacher research tools, and joy in the classroom.”  Jeanne recently wrote a beautiful post entitled because it is your name , which inspired me  to write this one.

In her post, Jeanne says,

KNOW that each name is important – the way it is pronounced and the respect it deserves.

The name IS the child that you are inviting, welcoming, and including into the family that is your classroom.

Uplift the names, uplift each child.

This reminded me of a conversation I once had with Magda Gerber about the importance of  calling each child by their name. Magda felt that it was especially important for early childhood professionals (teachers, nannies, pediatricians, etc.) to address even the tiniest babies by their given names, as opposed to calling them by pet, or nicknames. To Magda, it was a question of respect. In our society, it’s still  common for many, even professionals, to address both the very young and the elderly, using nicknames or pet names, which is disrespectful for two reasons;  it both diminishes a person, and  implies an intimacy and a power differential that should not exist.

IMG_0176-MOTION

As a teacher of young children, I’ve often witnessed that sometime around their second year, when toddlers are typically asserting their sense of individuality, they will insist on being called by their names, even by their nearest and dearest. Pet names won’t fly. Just last week, I was at  the park and I overheard an exchange between two siblings. The big sister (maybe five years old) was comforting her little brother who had just taken a minor tumble from the slide. She sweetly offered to help him get up, asked him if he was OK,  gave him a hug (which he returned) , and then she said,  “I’m sorry my wee little sweetie fell and got hurt.”  This seemed to offend and upset the little boy more than the fall had. He straightened up to his full height and indignantly declared: “I NOT wee sweetie, I Zwackery ( Zachery) !”

A favorite quote by Dr. Seuss comes to mind, “A person is a person, no matter how small.”  And, I might add, no matter how young or old, and thus -deserves the respect of being addressed by his or her given name, instead of as “dear” or “sweetie” or “munchkin” or “baby” or “cutie”.

Because after all, our names are unique unto us, and define who are. I have many roles in my life- that of daughter, sister, student, teacher, caregiver, friend, lover, fiance – but I define myself to myself  first and foremost by my name- Lisa.

Words have meaning and names have power.  ~Author Unknown

For the same reason I try to avoid labeling children, or talking about them in their presence without acknowledging or including them in the conversation, I try to call each child I meet by their given name. Over the years, I’ve had the honor of  caring for and teaching many children, and I remember each one of them by name.

Over time, I have also become very aware of how I am thinking about and describing children, both to myself and others. One day, a Mom who was frustrated with her young daughter was describing her as “clumsy, oafish, a little like a bull in a china shop.”  I replied that I didn’t think of her that way at all. I thought of  her as delightfully exuberant. Her Mom got tears in her eyes  as she thanked me, saying, “You always seem to find and see the best in every child.”  ( I try, but I’m not perfect,  and I don’t always get it right.)

But doesn’t  it make a  difference in the way you feel about, and interact with a child  if you use these words to describe his behavior:

“He knows his own mind, and is decisive. He needs my help to understand that sometimes others have different ideas and feelings about things.”

As opposed to using these words:

“He is obstinate and stubborn, and needs to learn that what he wants is not the only thing that matters.”

Father and child writing name in the sand

My favorite story about my name and my professional title?  I’ve always felt there is no good name to describe my current chosen work – babysitter, nanny, caregiver-  none of them feel quite right, or really fit. Magda Gerber came closest to accurately describing the work I do, when she coined the term “educarer” which could apply to either a  parent or a professional- anyone involved in caring  for  a child or children on a day-to-day basis. The term embodies the notion that ” we educate (or teach) as we care, and we care while we educate.”

But in this case, I have to tip my hat to S., who is now almost six years old, and for whom I have been caring since she was just under a year old. When S. was three and a half years old, she started attending a preschool program a few hours a day, in the mornings. When I would arrive to pick her up every day, she’d inevitably be out back playing, and several of her little friends would run to find her, calling out, ” S, your Mom is here.”  S. simply replied, “That’s not my Mom, that’s my Lisa,” which the other children seemed to understand, and accept immediately. And thus, I became known as “S.’s Lisa.”  When S. started Kindergarten last year, she was thrilled to find another of  her classmates had a “Lisa” too.  The best job “review” I ever received? “Everyone should be lucky enough to have a Lisa like you.”

I’d love it if you’d share your thoughts with me about “the meaning of words and the power of names.”

Your Baby Is Speaking To You

Newborn babies communicate with us from birth, in a language all their own. Their body posture, cries, subtle changes in expression, even the reflexes they are born with, speak volumes, but it can be a little bit hard to “understand” a baby’s way of “speaking” if you haven’t spent a lot of time hanging out with them. Well,  thanks to the new book  Your Baby Is Speaking To You,  a visual guide to the amazing behaviors of your newborn and growing baby, by Doctor Kevin Nugent, with photographs by Abelardo Morell, decoding your baby’s subtle cues just might be a little easier and less perplexing. As a professional “baby watcher” I was  captivated by this absolutely gorgeous photographic exploration of what a baby’s early postures and communications convey. This is a resource that I will be adding to my recommended books, and giving often as a gift to new and expectant parents. I highly recommend this book to  professionals working with newborns and their parents, as well.

Written in a clear, accessible, non-judgmental tone, each two page spread explores a different aspect of a baby’s “language” from sleeping to crying, to eating, to yawning, and more, by juxtaposing a photograph on one side of the page, with a brief explanation illuminating the meaning on the opposite page.From the Introduction:

“Whether it is an arching of the eyebrows or a furrowing of the brow, a splaying of the fingers or a tightening of the leg muscles, these signals are the “words” or “phrases” your baby uses to communicate, the phonemes of his first language, his first words. These behavioral signals are not random: they convey messages , provide information, and tell you what kind of caregiving your baby needs to grow and develop, what he likes or prefers, and what he does not like. Your Baby Is Speaking to You, will tell you how to watch for and interpret all these signals.”

Take a peek inside the book here, but be forewarned, if you’re noise sensitive, you might want to turn the volume off first. (When I showed this clip to a friend, he commented that the “awful sound” accompanying the video detracted from the overall beauty and message being conveyed.)

 

 

Update: This article, entitled “Know Your Baby”  appeared in The Irish Times on July 26, 2011. It  is a  fascinating exploration of Dr. Kevin Nugent’s work , and philosophy. Worth the read.

 

On The Way To Independence

Note: This post was originally published as a note on Regarding Baby’s Facebook page on Sunday, December 26, 2010.

Kathleen atamoment2think recently wrote a post entitled, “Another fun toddler stage: Up?! Up?!” that started me thinking about toddlers with all of their conflicting wants, needs, and emotions. It can be  both wonderful and hard to live with, love,  and  nurture a toddler. Kathleen’s post reminded  of a song- one that I call the “We” song. The lyrics are simple. The words,  “Me, Me, Me, You, You, You, We, We, We, Yes, Yes, Yes, No, No, No, Maybe, Maybe, Maybe,” alternate throughout, and the song ends “I love you.”

reach out

This song seems like a good reminder that in any relationship, there are always two people, two points of view,  and sometimes, conflicting wants and needs. Ideally, in the adult/child dyad, adults are always seeking to understand and validate a child’s feelings , without sacrificing their own needs to the point of feeling resentful, angry, or just too depleted to give anymore. It’s about finding that sweet, peaceful place where we can rest together comfortably and safely – momentarily anyway.

Toddlers often have big emotions, and sometimes, big wants and  needs. They aren’t yet ready or able to take the point of view or empathize with others, at least not often or consistently! Some days, loving them can be exhausting. Being a good parent or teacher does not mean giving in to a toddler’s every demand. In fact, it can be more loving (and necessary) to say “No” at times, even if that means a crying child in the short term.

Crying Angie

What I hope to help parents (and others) understand is that we offer children a gift when are honest, and clear with them about our limitations and boundaries within the context of the trusting relationship we have with them. Magda Gerber said, “In the beginning, we co-operate more with the the baby. Slowly, and over time, we ask for more co-operation and understanding from them.”

I think raising  babies to become loving, co-operative, thoughtful, giving, children and adults who are able to articulate their needs and wants clearly, while also understanding that there are two in a relationship, begins with me, you, yes, no, and sometimes-maybe.  That and  trying to keep a good sense of humor through all of the ups and downs on the way to “We.”  What do you think?