Blog – Page 10 – Regarding Baby

A Tiny Loss Of Innocence

I was a guest at a birthday party yesterday for a little girl who is just turning three years old. As usual, I was interested in observing the children at play.

I watched as two little girls chose stuffed animals to be their babies, placed them in toy strollers, and began to stroll their “babies” around, while saying such things as ,”Let’s take them to the park.”

Then a little boy approached with a toy alligator,and wordlessly started to advance with the stuffed toy towards the girls and their baby dolls. He made the jaws of the alligator open and close as if the alligator was trying to snatch the baby animals from their strollers.

The girls began to giggle and to run away while pushing their strollers and, saying, “Oh no Mr. Alligator, you can’t catch us.” Pretty harmless and typical three year old play. All of the children seemed to be enjoying themselves, as evidenced by the peals of laughter emanating from all of them.

Then one of the little girls suddenly cried, “That alligator is trying to kill our babies. Come on , let’s run. We can’t let him kill us. We have to get away, or kill him first.”

I am no Pollyanna,but in that moment, I was shocked. A three year old talking about killing and being killed ?

I watched as S. (yes ,this is another story that involves my beloved girl) paused, and looked at her little friend. A brief look of confusion passed over her face , before she decided to go along and parrot the words of the first child. “Yes, let’s run and hide, he’s trying to kill our babies.”

OK then.

I know for a fact S. has never heard the word “kill” before. I know she has no idea what that word means. I know that while she enjoys playing chasing and running games with other children, that up until the moment the word “kill” was introduced into the play, it was all fun and games, and there was nothing to fear and no real enemy.

A tiny loss of innocence occurred in that moment for S., and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since.

I bet some of you think I’m over reacting. But seriously, stop and think about it. Is it really necessary for a three year old child to even have that particular word as a part of her vocabulary or her consciousness ? Call me wrong, (it won’t be the first time someone has), but it is disturbing to think about three year old children running around play acting killing scenes.

What happened next you may ask ? I decided I needed to intervene and enter the play, which is something I rarely do. I followed the girls, who had sequestered themselves in the bathroom with the door closed, while the little boy with the alligator stood outside the door knocking and asking the girls to let him in.

“No, you are trying to kill us and our babies,” they cried. I opened the door while saying, “Oh no, I think this alligator just wants to play with you and your babies, isn’t that right, Mr. Alligator ?”

Mr Alligator nodded vigorously. “Mr Alligator, you mustn’t be naughty and try to nip at the girls and their babies then, or they might be afraid. You DO have very big teeth you know !”

Now all three of the children were giggling , and S. asked Mr. Alligator if he would like to play with them , and when Mr. Alligator nodded, the whole group ran off together,and Mr. Alligator was trying to kiss the babies , because S. reminded him that he promised to be nice and not bite the babies.

The play dissolved shortly thereafter, because I suggested to S.’s Mom that it might be a good time for S. to give out the goody bags she had helped to shop for and assemble for each child at the party.

Crises averted for the time being, but the word “Kill ” lingers in my mind. Time will tell how S. processes this new concept. I will watch and wait to see if ,and when it pops up in her play again, and will talk with her parents about what I observed as well , and how we might approach helping S. to deal with this new idea.

By the way, another teacher of mine, Nancy Carlsson Paige, recently published a book that I highly recommend ,called Taking Back Childhood, Helping Your Kids Thrive in a Fast- Paced , Media- Saturated, Violence- Filled World.

In fact, I’m going to take another look at this book now, because it seems the world has intruded, as it is wont to do. A little bit of innocence that once was has been eroded, and honestly I am in need of some guidance here myself !

Take Care of Yourself

“As much as we want to do for and give to our children, we can’t pour into them when we’re running on empty. Every once in a while, and definitely more often than most of us do, we need to fill our own buckets. This looks different for each of us – walking, exercising, reading, writing, scrapbooking, Zumba – whatever it is, I’d encourage you to just do it! And not feel guilty about it…. Put on your own oxygen mask first! Self-care is not selfish. It simply enables you to breathe.” Tammi

I always thought the Peace Corps got it wrong; theirs isn’t “the toughest job you’re ever going to love”- parenting is! The airlines, on the other hand, got it right: if you’re traveling with a child, and an oxygen mask becomes necessary, you should secure your mask before turning your attention to your child’s needs. This is good advice for parenting in general.

Take care of yourself so that you can be present for, and take care of your child. Make sure you are well nourished, and well rested. (Take naps when your child does, if you can.) Don’t feel guilty about turning off the phone and the computer at times – the phone calls and messages will wait. Lower your expectations for yourself in terms of keeping a perfectly clean home and cooking gourmet meals. (Get ye to Trader Joe’s if you’ve got one near you.)

Ask your partner to pitch in with chores and childcare (and be gracious enough to allow him or her to do things his/her own way). Hire all the help you can afford, or if you can’t afford help, trade off an afternoon of childcare with another Mom, and/or ask family or friends to help out when you need it.

Buy yourself flowers, take deep breaths often, go to the park and talk to other Moms, or join a free on-line community. You know what it is that will best nurture and sustain you, and if you don’t, you need to figure it out. Then take/make time to do whatever it is that nurtures you on a regular basis.

Who really cares if your children are wearing two different colored socks when it comes right down to it? (They may be trend setters!) You can drive yourself crazy trying to maintain some perfect standard, or you can relax, and enjoy your time with your child. You can only do so much in a day. It’s important to figure out who and what is truly important to you, and focus your energy there. No guilt allowed! “Do less,enjoy more,” was Magda Gerber’s mantra, or would have been, had she had a mantra!

When times are hard, remind yourself that whatever it is, it will pass. While I don’t agree with time out for children, I highly recommend regular time out for adults! Here are a few ways to accomplish a time out for yourself when you are feeling impatient or at your wits end:

One way is to be honest and say to your child, “Things aren’t working right now. I feel impatient and need a break.” Once you’ve said this, take a break! Place your child in a safe place with some books and toys, take a deep breath, and make a cup of tea. Though I generally don’t advocate TV for young children, if you are not adverse to the idea, NOW is the time to pop in that 30 minute Sesame Street video.

Or, you can practice a technique a fellow colleague of mine calls Stop, Drop, and Roll (with the punches). When you feel yourself starting to lose perspective, ready to cry, or yell at your child, JUST STOP.

Stop trying to do whatever you were trying to do (or encourage your toddler to do), get down on the floor with her, and play for ten minutes. You can read a story, sing a song, do some yoga poses, or best of all, quietly observe your child and enjoy her.

Remind yourself that you love her. Remind yourself that whatever it is that seems so impossible in this moment will pass in time. When you are ready, start fresh again. It may sound crazy, but I know from experience and parent testimonials- “It works! It works!”

Another idea is to take the baby and get outside in nature. A simple walk around the block can do wonders for your mood, and for your child’s.

Remember, you are your child’s first role model and teacher. If you don’t pay attention to, and make it a priority to take time to take care of yourself, how can you expect to teach your child to focus, co-operate, and participate in her own self care?

For those who are parents of babies and young toddlers, and like to read, here are two books I recommend: Mama Zen, Walking The Crooked Path of Motherhood, and 1, 2, 3 The Toddler Years, A Practical Guide For Parents and Caregivers.

We aren’t born with the skills necessary to know how to parent our children well, and in many cases we haven’t had good role models ourselves. Even if we have had good role models, our parents may be deceased, or we may live far away from them.

It is so important for parents today to find a community, and not to live in isolation. Take advantage of every available resource open to you to gain information and support. There are free and low cost resources in every community- so you need not feel support and help are out of reach if you don’t have a lot of money.

Be good to yourself, and this will enable you to not just survive, but to thrive, and enjoy your child’s early years!

What ways you’ve found to nourish and take care of yourself as a parent? Please share!

Updated: October 2, 2012

When Times Are Hard

Some days are just hard, and no matter what you do or say, your toddler may not be able to co-operate. Try to remember on those days that your toddler is ‘having a hard time’ not ‘giving you a hard time’, and he needs you in his corner more than ever.

It is never wrong to comfort your child or acknowledge her feelings. This does not mean you have to give in, change your mind, or feel like a bad parent for setting limits and following through. But come on, life is hard sometimes, and your child has the right to be angry, sad, or upset at the limits or conditions imposed upon him, even if they are in his best interests.

Just be honest, and use honest language: “This is hard for you.” “I see/hear that you are upset.” “I’m sorry you are upset, you weren’t ready to leave the park.”

You don’t have to try to make it better by giving in. Just try to be with your child and the emotion in the moment. She might ask for cuddling, a hug, or a kiss, and there’s nothing wrong with providing this comfort- your child is not trying to manipulate you- as the teacher implied at one play class I attended.

Let me give you an example of one child who was having a very hard time co-operating at a class recently. He was hitting other children, breaking into tears every few minutes, and running out the door, despite the fact that his Mom had tried to engage him in the activities, and the teacher had intervened multiple times.

Mom said, “If you run out the door again, we will leave and try again next week.”So when her son ran out the door a few minutes later, she went to him with shoes, coat and hat in hand, and quietly said, “It’s time to go. You don’t seem to want to be at play class today.”

At this point, the little guy started to cry, and was begging to stay. Mom calmly proceeded to dress him, and headed for the car. She said, “I hear you saying you want to stay, but today was a hard day for you at play class. We are going to go home and have a rest. We will come back to play class next week, and try again. ”

This Mom did so much right in this instance- she set a clear limit, gave a choice, followed through with what she said she was going to do, remained calm, and listened to her child.

She later shared that on the way to the car, her child was whimpering and asked to be held. Her question was, “Do you think my child was trying to manipulate me somehow?”

My answer was, “No, this was hard on both of you, and there’s nothing wrong with providing physical comfort and affection if your child requests it. After all, you still love your toddler even if you are less than happy with his behavior on a particular day.”

Toddlers can have bad days, just like we do, and the message you want to convey to your child is that you will step in to help her if her behavior is out of control, you love her no matter what, you have faith in her ability to learn, grow, and move on, and you are always on her side, even when her behavior may be difficult. Always try to acknowledge and allow your child’s feelings, even when you must take action or intervene in a way that she may not like or agree with!

Tomorrow, taking care of yourself so you can take care of your toddler.

Temper Tantrums

Update: The eighth post in a series of ten on effective gentle discipline methods. This was one of my favorite posts to write.

“Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.” -Calvin & Hobbes

We’ve been having thunder storms here for days now. It thunders. There is lightening, and then it pours rain. Afterwards, the sky clears, the air is cool and fresh, and all is well again. Sometimes this process goes on for weeks, until we are back to fair skies.

Temper tantrums are much the same as thunder storms. Think of temper tantrums as emotional weather. They can be loud and scary, but in the end, the air is clear, and skies are sunny again.

Each child is unique, but I’ve never known one who went through toddlerhood without at least one good tantrum. Why are children prone to tantrums at times? There are many reasons. Young children are small, but often have big feelings, and ideas which they can’t always express or carry out easily. Their daily schedules and activities are decided upon by the adults who care for them. They are learning and growing daily, but they can become easily overstimulated and overwhelmed. When too much pressure builds up they may blow up!

If your child is well nourished and well rested , gets outdoors and plays actively each day, has a predictable daily routine, has plenty of opportunities to participate in her own care, and you are communicating clearly and respectfully, allowing for tarry time, and monitoring your home environment to make changes as needed, chances are temper tantrums will be few and far between.

Here is one of my favorite stories about S. who will turn three in just another few weeks, and occasionally succumbs to whining, which is a whole other beast! As long as I’ve mentioned whining, I might as well go ahead and say that while temper tantrums are common at one and two, whining is more common at three and four.

With an older child, whose verbal skills are well developed, it helps to have a zero tolerance policy towards the whining. When S. whines, her parents and I calmly explain that we don’t like her tone of voice, and find it hard to understand or listen to her when she talks in that tone. Then we ask her to repeat herself in her “regular” voice. We reassure her that she is much more likely to gain our help, and understanding if she just talks to us without whining. This works.

But it does no good at all (and may make matters worse) to tell a one or two year old to “use your words”, especially in stressful situations. I’ve always loved what Magda Gerber had to say about this topic: “If they COULD use their words, they would.” Have you as an adult (who no doubt has a LOT of words and is very capable of using them) ever become so overwhelmed by a situation or an emotion, that all you could do was cry, or scream? I know I certainly have. OK then. Let’s move on.

If a toddler isn’t using her words, it’s because the situation is too stressful, she doesn’t have the words to express her feelings, needs or desires, or she feels “unheard” in a situation, and is ACTING in a way that she knows everyone will pay attention to. Smart child.

scream and shout

OK, so back to S. and her temper tantrum. S. was just a little over two years old, and had received an easel and watercolors for her birthday. S. loved to paint morning, noon, and night. Her parents, well meaning and caring adults that they are, thought it would be a great idea to enroll S. in a class, where she could interact with other two year old children and paint to her heart’s content.

Honestly, it was this low key little class, where parents or caregivers stayed with their child, and for the first hour, the children could paint, work with clay, or spread glitter glue all over paper. There was no formal instruction, no emphasis on creating a finished product, no model to follow, nothing.

The second hour, kids could choose to help make cookies, or play outside on the little playground, and an older lady (a grandmother) strummed the guitar and sang popular kid songs. Most of the children would sing and dance along, and the whole morning ended with warm, fresh baked cookies, and organic juice.

Sounds ideal right ? Except S. didn’t think so. She would much rather paint with me at home. The other difficulty was that this class started at 9:30 am, and I arrived at S.’s home at 9:00 am, so there was a little bit of a rushed atmosphere in the morning, as her parents would quickly give me a morning report, and I’d steer S. towards the door so we could get to class on time.

One particular day, S. was determined to paint at home, before class. Her parents and I were chattering above her while she readied her paint supplies, and kept repeating that she wanted to paint, “right now, please.” We told her what fun she’d have painting at class, and continued our exchange of information and preparations to leave.

Suddenly, S. said (in a very loud voice and while stamping her feet) I. WANT.TO. PAINT. RIGHT. NOW. We all stopped, and stared at each other in astonishment. S. hadn’t ever had a tantrum before. Then S., looking a little sheepish, said, “Where did that big voice come from?” and promptly burst into tears. Where indeed?

Sometimes, a temper tantrum can alert parents and caregivers to the fact that they need to slow down, and really see, and listen to a child. S. wanted to paint. At two years old, she didn’t want or need an art class- no matter how “ideal” it was. It wasn’t ideal for her at that time. The class was abandoned, and S. painted happily ever after- at home.

Prevention is best, but sometimes things get out of balance, and a child’s loss of temper alerts us to the fact that they need more connection. So if your child is having frequent tantrums, it might be a good time to ask yourself if things are a little out of balance or there are areas in your child’s life that need adjusting.

What can you do to support your child in the moment when she’s experiencing a storm of emotions? Make sure she’s in a safe place. Just stop. Hold a space. Don’t try to console or distract her. Let her go all the way through the tantrum to the end. Stay nearby. If your child wants hugs and cuddling after a tantrum, by all means offer them. Otherwise, a few comforting words can help. “You were very upset. I heard you yelling loudly, and saw you kicking the pillows. Do you feel better now?” It’s usually not necessary to say or do much more. (If you are in a public place when a tantrum starts- leave. Get your child to the car, and follow the above steps.)

It is never acceptable for a child to hurt others, including you, no matter how angry she is. If she is hitting, kicking, or biting you, first put her down if you are holding her, and tell her in a calm, firm voice, “I understand you are upset, but I won’t let you hurt yourself, or anyone else. If you want to kick/hit/bite, here is a doll/pillow/toy, that you may use.” Then move away.

The less emotion YOU show, and the more calm acceptance you can muster, the more quickly temper tantrums will dissolve and cease to exist all together. It’s normal and natural for your toddler to have an occasional tantrum, but sometimes parents become so upset or distraught when a child has a tantrum, they will go to any lengths to try to stop it. This gives the child a message that a tantrum is a good way to get a reaction from Mom or Dad, and possibly a way to get things her own way in the future.You don’t want to give your child the idea that temper tantrums are a good way to get you to cave in to every whim and demand, or that she needs to have a tantrum to get your attention anytime he’s upset.

By the way, no normally developing, healthy child I have known, or heard about, has EVER seriously injured herself during a tantrum. So if you are tying yourself in knots trying to appease your toddler for fear that she is going to literally stop breathing, bash her head in, or claw her eyes out- you need not worry.

When your child is mastering a new physical skill like walking, she tries and fails many times. She lurches forward, falls down, and gets back up again. Learning emotional control and maturity is no different. She’ll try, fail, possibly have a temper tantrum, and move on. It’s all a part of growing up!

Praise Not

This is one in a series of posts I wrote on gentle, respectful ways to discipline, teach, and interact with young children. Updated 1/23/2012.

Praise not. Or maybe it’s praise selectively…

“Let your child’s inner joy be self-motivating. You can smile and express your genuine feelings but should refrain from giving excessive compliments, clapping your hands, and making a big fuss. If you do this, your child starts seeking satisfaction from external sources. She can get hooked on praise, becoming a performer seeking applause instead of an explorer. Praise also disrupts and interrupts a child’s learning process. She stops what she’s doing and focuses on you, sometimes not returning to the activity.” –Magda Gerber, Your Self Confident Baby

My friend Amy, who is an awesome Mom to two boys, and a former preschool teacher said, “But Lisa, kids love and thrive on praise. Praise is a way for parents to show their affection and share their joy and pride in their children’s accomplishments, and you’re telling them NOT to do it?”

Her point is well taken, but I ask you to consider this: Praise can be demeaning and meaningless when it is repeated again and again in an automatic way, and when it’s not really warranted. Children don’t need to be praised or told they are “good” for doing things that they are easily capable of, or that come as a natural part of their maturation. “Good boy, nice eating!” We talk to our pets this way. Our children deserve better.

Baby Pearl Clapping for the 1st time — Your baby doesn’t need you to clap for her every achievement.

This is a good place to note that all children are “good” regardless of their behavior at times, and you don’t want to set them up to judge their basic self worth based on whether or not someone else says they are a good or bad child for accomplishing (or not) any specific task. You want your child to feel loved and worthy for who she is, despite the fact that she may sometimes fall short in meeting your goals or expectations (or her own, for that matter).

Children engage in many activities and behaviors because the activity itself has intrinsic value and interest. “Good walking, Ashley.” Have you ever heard another parent say something like this to their child, (or maybe you’ve even said it yourself)? It can be hard to know how to celebrate a young child’s achievements, and the truth is, it is often so exciting when they master a developmental milestone, we want to celebrate with and for them.

And why not? I know it feels good to me to be acknowledged when I’ve worked hard to achieve something. It’s nice when someone notices, thanks us, or appreciates our efforts, especially if we’ve struggled hard to master a new skill. I love to write this blog, and would write even if no one read or commented, because it is satisfying to me. I appreciate it when others “like” and share my posts, but what I really love is when someone writes to me and says, “Thank you. I tried some of the suggestions you made, and here’s what happened. This really worked, but I’m still struggling with this.” “Your words made me really think about…” Or even, “I have questions and I’m not sure I agree with anything you’re saying.”

I suggest if you really want to convey your love, and let your child know you really see, hear, and appreciate his efforts and achievements, you say things like this: “Wow, I really like how you are remembering to stay near me today instead of wandering off.” Or, “Thank you for waiting so patiently while I paid for the groceries.That really helped me.” Or, “You remembered to walk while we were in the library today, and I didn’t have to remind you.” Or, “You worked really hard to put your shoes on all by yourself and you did it!” “Wow, look at all of the different colors you used in that drawing. You worked on it for a really long time. Tell me more about it.” “You were patting the kitty so gently. I can tell she liked it, because she was purring.” “You tried, and you tried, and you did it!” “I noticed you shared your snack with your friend today.” Say thank you, and give specific, meaningful feedback about what you see, what you hear, what you appreciate, and what you notice, especially when your child has really persisted in a task, has acted kindly, or has co-operated with you in some way. It’s always appropriate to thank your child when they co-operate with a request.

Do you see how this is different than offering vague, blanket statements that don’t have a lot of meaning? Each of the above examples shows thought, and tells your child you are really paying attention. Noticing and appreciating is different from issuing a blanket “Good job.” Janet Lansbury suggests that what children most want and need from loving adults is acknowledgement. She says, “It’s a simple, profound way to reflect our child’s experience and inner self. It demonstrates our understanding and acceptance. It sends a powerful, affirming message… Every thought, desire, feeling — every expression of your mind, body and heart — is perfectly acceptable, appropriate and lovable.” Isn’t that the message we really hope to give children when we praise them?

Resea rch has shown that excessive praise and incentives like sticker charts and rewards do nothing to motivate children to learn. In fact, over time, they decrease a child’s willingness and ability to engage in desired behaviors and activities for the sheer joy of learning and refining a skill, and the internal rewards associated with such activities.

Children can become hooked on outside evaluation and praise, and begin to doubt their own internal self evaluation. They begin to ask,”Why should I do this? What’s in it for me? What do I get if I do or don’t do xyz?” “Who’s watching?” Believe me, you don’t want a seven year old who says to you, “What do I get if I clean up my room? Can we go to Disney World?” (This is real quote by the way!)

For a really eye opening and thoughtful discussion of this issue, I always suggest Alfie Kohn’s book, Punished By Rewards. For a shorter version of the topics discussed in the book see 5 Reasons To Stop Saying Good Job.

Now it’s your turn to tell me what you think!

Let’s Talk

Update 5/27/2012: This post is the sixth in a series that I wrote on gentle, effective ways to discipline young children. This one focuses on the importance of talking honestly with toddlers using clear, direct language. Many suggestions are included for how to talk with toddlers in ways that will support them in being able to hear and cooperate with requests.

Talk to your child, not at her, over her, or about her. Tell her what you expect. Magda Gerber

Magda Gerber called it “broadcasting” or “sportscasting”, and encouraged parents to get into the habit from day one. What is broadcasting? It is simply a way of communicating with your child, talking directly with her, commenting on what you see her doing, or letting her know what will be happening next, and requesting her participation in whatever task is at hand. Of course, you expect and wait for her response when you make requests, thus establishing a conversation that will hopefully continue for a lifetime!

Basically, you want to try to involve your child in all things that concern her, and try not to do things to or for her, but instead, invite her to participate in her care. For instance, instead of scooping a baby up to carry her to her room for a diaper change, you take a moment to get down to her level, make eye contact, and tell her that you’d like to pick her up and take her to change her diaper. You pause to wait for her response before picking her up. If you are not in a hurry, you may give her a choice, asking, “Are you ready to come now?” If she indicates she isn’t, you may wait. If there isn’t a choice, and you are going to pick her up anyway, it’s best to be direct: “I am going to pick you up now.” Even the youngest baby quickly learns to understand and will respond to your requests if you get into the habit of slowing down a bit, and including her in the conversation and process.

Young toddlers are often very capable and eager to participate in all kinds of positive ways (“Me do it myself!”) if we give them the opportunity, and this in turn helps them to feel good about themselves, and builds on their ability to cooperate. A few examples: At dinner time, can your toddler bring the napkins to the table? When getting dressed, can she lift her arms, and help to put her shirt on, or bring her shoes, and try to put them on by herself ? Can she carry her cup to the table at snack time and pour her own water from a small pitcher ? Can she climb up to the diaper changing table by herself ?

It takes a little longer to involve your child in her own care, and to wait for her while she responds to your requests, but it is so worth it in terms of helping your child to learn about cooperating- first with you, and then with others. Children feel respected and important, and experience joy and pride when they accomplish tasks that are meaningful to them.

Giving choices where possible is helpful. But not too many choices (and not too often). Giving toddlers two choices is usually sufficient. “Would you like to wear your red shirt or your blue shirt today? “” Would you like to walk to the changing table or would you like me to carry you?” Your child may offer a third choice- “I want to run to the table,” and it’s perfectly fine for you to take him up on this if his choice is acceptable to you as well. “OK, you run to the changing table, and I’ll meet you there in a minute.”

What if your child is having a hard time making a choice or changes his mind after he’s made the choice? It happens! In this case, do not torture yourself or your toddler by entering into long negotiations. Sometimes, it’s just too hard for a toddler to choose. If your toddler can’t or won’t choose, you choose. “You are having a hard time choosing. I’m going to pick you up now and carry you upstairs to bed.” Your toddler may dissolve into tears at this point. This is not a bad thing. Acknowledge and allow the feelings and move on. “I hear you crying, and saying no. This is hard for you. I am going to pick you up and carry you upstairs now. Today, I’ll choose and tomorrow, maybe you’ll choose.”

What if your toddler doesn’t seem to know what she wants? She asks to be picked up, and then she wants to be put down, and she’s crying, and frustrated. You can wear yourself out trying to meet her changing needs and desires, or you can simply reflect her feelings back to her: “You are really having a hard time right now. You can’t decide if you want to be held or not. Sometimes I feel that way when I’m tired.”

BEWARE adding Okay to the end of sentences, unless you are REALLY giving your child a choice. Toddlers understand language literally. If you say,”Let’s get ready to leave the park now, Okay?” your toddler believes he has a say in the matter. If your child says “No, no go right now,” of course he’s going to be upset when you start to pack up his toys and expect him to get into his stroller, when he has understood that you were giving him a choice.

Avoid using the word NO as much as possible. It’s a tired old word, and your toddler will tire quickly of hearing it. Instead try phrasing a no as a choice and offer an alternative. Toddlers need to hear often about what they can have and do!

“You want a cookie, but it’s too close to dinner time.You may have an apple or a carrot if you are hungry.” ” I don’t want you to run away from me when we are in the store. I would like you to hold my hand, or you may sit in the cart.” “I won’t let you hit your brother. If you want to hit, you may hit these pillows.” ” It’s not time to play hide and seek right now. It’s time to get ready to sleep. We can play hide and seek later when you wake up. You may choose one of these books for us to read together.” “I know you don’t want to get into your car seat, but it’s time now. Shall I help you, or will you climb in by yourself?” “It’s time to clean up your toys. Please help me to put them in this basket.”

You want to avoid over talking or over explaining a situation as much as possible- especially if your child is tired or nearing the edge of reason. Say what you mean (briefly), mean what you say, and follow through. Give your child the respect of giving warning and allowing time when transitioning from one activity to the next, allow her the opportunity to make choices and invite her to participate, but if it’s too hard for her to to cooperate in a given moment, YOU make the choice and take action. Don’t continue to repeat yourself over and over, or fall into the trap of trying to negotiate endlessly.

Sometimes, even after you’ve gotten your child’s attention, given her notice and transition time, asked for her cooperation, and given choices, she may still resist cooperating. Maybe she’s just feeling silly or playful, or maybe she’s just doing her job as a toddler, and testing the boundries a little. You can engage in the play a bit, but if you don’t have the time or patience for play on a given day, it can help to calmly, kindly, and firmly let her know what your expectations are. You might sit down near her, hold out a hand, and say, “I am waiting for you to help me”- put your shoes on, or be ready to walk upstairs to bed, or whatever it is you have asked of her.

The calmer, quieter, and more focused you can be, the more likely it is your little one will cooperate. Again, the time and effort you are willing to devote to communicating clearly and respectfully with your child will pay off in spades in terms of the improved relationship you and your child will have and the cooperation your child will (eventually) show you.

Establishing a few clear, consistent rules around safety and gentleness for self and others, and ignoring the rest, will help save your sanity, as well as make it easier for your toddler to know what to expect. Be prepared to have to restate the rules. Be consistent. What is a “NO” today, is a “NO” tomorrow. Be calm, because sometimes a big reaction from you can be so interesting to your toddler, that she will repeat unwanted behaviors just to see how you will respond the next time.

If your child is about to put himself in a dangerous position such as running into the street, you can yell “STOP”. You can be sure that if you only use this word in the case of an emergency, your child will pay attention,and respond accordingly.

“Be sure your tone of voice reflects your feelings. Avoid mixed messages that come from trying to cover up your feelings. Don’t tell a child nothing’s the matter if you are crying. Don’t smile sweetly when you are angry. Don’t pretend to feel something you don’t. Children then become confused about the difference between what they see and what they are told.

It’s all right to use a firm and serious tone with a child who has just thrown her spoonful of strained carrots: “I’m upset that you threw your food and made a mess. It looks like you’re finished eating. I’ll take the food away now.” Magda Gerber

I don’t advise trying to trick, bribe, threaten, or “playfully tease” children in order to “get them” to do something. You are building a relationship with your child, and modeling your values for them. Using clear, unambiguous language, and communicating your expectations, desires, and feelings honestly, shows respect for both your needs and your child’s, and will go a long way towards building a trusting relationship between the two of you. Toddlers appreciate knowing what to expect, and feel safe and secure when the boundaries and limits are clear and they know that they can count on you to mean what you say and follow through.

Next, I’ll talk about about acknowledgment versus praise, and helpful ways to support toddlers when they are experiencing an emotional storm.

Take a Good Look, and Make Your Environment Work For You

Update: This is the fifth in a ten part series on gentle effective ways to discipline young children. If your child is in childcare, or you’ve ever had the pleasure of visiting or participating in a parent/infant class, you may have found yourself wondering how it’s possible that groups of six or eight young toddlers can co-operate so well, and play so peacefully and contentedly, with a minimum of direction from adults. Often, one of the things that allows young children to succeed in co-operating so easily in a play group or a quality childcare setting is that the environment is set up to support their success. Any experienced caregiver or teacher knows that a carefully prepared environment goes a long way to help define the “rules” and “limits” for children, thus making it easier for everyone to know what to expect, and to relax and enjoy each other more, without the need for adults to do a lot of “correcting” of children.

The family I’ve been working with for the past five years found me through a nanny agency. In order to qualify to be listed with the agency, I had to go through an extensive application and interview process that included answering a number of questions about how I’d handle different situations that commonly arise when taking care of young children. One of the questions was as follows: What would you do if the two year old you were caring for drew on the walls with a crayon? My answer was that if the two year old I was caring for had drawn on the wall, it would be a clear indication that I wasn’t doing my job well. I went on to explain that I thought it was unreasonable to expect a two year old to know or consistently remember that drawing on the walls wasn’t acceptable, and part of my job as a nanny was to create a environment that allowed a child to play freely, without a lot of restrictions. So, crayons would be kept where a two year old couldn’t reach them, and if crayons were going to be used, I would cover a large surface with butcher block paper, and be close by to observe, in case a gentle reminder was needed to help the child remember to color only on the paper. Sometime after I’d been hired, Vicki ( Mom of S. and J.) told me when she was reading through candidate profiles and she saw my answer to this question, she said to herself, “That’s the person I want to take care of my baby.”

Our instinct as parents is to say, “Oh no, don’t do that”, when our toddler surprises us by suddenly being able to reach or climb to something “out of bounds”. But our children’s abilities are developing daily and we don’t want to discourage them. Remembering to say, “Wow, you can reach that now!” Or, “Look at the leaf you found,” before saying, “but this isn’t safe for you to touch (or put in your mouth). I’m going to move it”, encourages our baby to continue following his healthy instinct to explore. – Janet Lansbury

Consider this: All behavior has a reason and a message. Young children are naturally curious and creative, and they love to experiment. They learn through their play! Sometimes what adults see as destructive or unsafe behavior is simply a child experimenting, or “not knowing.” If we understand this, we can create an environment that allows children to be children and to explore and experiment without being “bad” or wrong.

Try to take some time each day to just observe and contemplate your child. What is going well? What is difficult? What is she especially interested in right now? Is she throwing all of her toys? Has she got an excess of energy? Is she resisting EVERY time a transition takes place? Is she getting into things you don’t want her to and making a mess? Is she taking out all of her toys, strewing them all over, and then saying, “Mommy clean it up ?”

Ask yourself what your toddler’s behavior seems to be saying she most needs and is most interested in, and use your environment to help you give your child clear messages about what behavior is expected and accepted, without having to constantly say “No,” or redirect her.

Ideas for accomplishing this: First, make sure your home environment is safe. How safe is safe? I love Magda Gerber’s definition: Your home ( or at least your child’s play space) should be so safe, that should you get locked out for an hour while your child is inside, when you return, you may find her wet, hungry, tired, or upset – but physically unharmed, beyond a minor scratch or two. One of the easiest ways to make your home safe is to install gates to the doorway of any room, (or set of stairs) you don’t want your child to enter without you. If possible, you might consider creating a safe play space both indoors and out, and create a routine from early on of spending some time just being with your baby in her play space everyday. (A little baby who is not yet mobile only needs a small space like a pack and play.)

Cayden reaches for the top 2 — Maybe not so safe?

It goes without saying that your presence and attention is also needed to keep your little one safe- thus the emphasis on taking unhurried time to just enjoy watching her at play every day, and using the information and clues you gather to adjust your environment to further meet her changing needs.

Creating a safe play space in your home for your baby not only allows her to have a space that is all her own, where there are very few restrictions, but it allows you to take care of some of your needs and get some chores done too- without resorting to turning on the television to entertain her, confining her to a chair, bringing her into the bathroom while you brush your teeth, or into the kitchen while you are cooking.

Here are examples of ways to adjust your child’s play environment to help meet her needs and make it easier for her to succeed in co-operating: If she’s got a lot of energy, make sure she has push and pull toys to use, as well as a simple climbing slide that can be used indoors or out ( Little Tykes makes a good, solid, inexpensive one). Give her empty cardboard boxes to climb in and out of, balls to chase, and big, but not necessarily heavy objects to move around, such as a plastic step stool, big pillows, and empty 5 gallon water bottles.

If she’s throwing all of her toys, put away hard toys, and leave out soft toys, dolls, blankets, stuffed animals, and buy a Nerf basketball hoop. Buy baskets ( 99 Cent Stores are a great place to find these ) or use laundry baskets for her to toss balls into. Baskets and plastic containers are also great for filling and dumping, AND they make cleaning up and sorting toys a breeze as well, while providing yet another activity your toddler will love.

If every transition brings on a temper tantrum, ask yourself if your child is hungry, tired or getting sick. Perhaps she needs more quiet time playing at home, just messing around, and less time in structured activities? Blowing bubbles, water play, sand play, play dough, and shaving cream “art” tend to be very soothing for toddlers, (as long as they are past the stage of putting everything into their mouths). You can fill low, deep containers (think: plastic, under the bed storage containers) with rice and add scoops and cups for another soothing activity – this works indoors as well as outdoors. It’s easy to clean up, and if you buy a container with a top, you can save the rice, and use it again and again. (I have become very creative since moving back to MA where the weather is miserable a lot of the time, and it’s not possible to spend 12 of 24 hours outside most days, as it is in California!)

If your toddler resists cleaning up, maybe you’ve got too many toys out and you need to put some of them away and rotate them. If he’s getting into things you don’t want him to, put them away out of sight and out of reach, under lock and key if necessary.You are getting the idea , I’m sure. There is so much you can do to make your job as a parent easier, while meeting your child’s needs, and gently helping her to succeed in gaining the independence and judgment she needs to be able to make good choices.

Have you found ways to use your home environment to support your child’s natural creativity and curiosity, while helping her to understand and accept limits and boundaries? I’d love it if you’d share your ideas here.

Tomorrow, how to talk so your child can listen!

The Role Of Nourishment, Rest, and Exercise In Toddler Discipline

Update: The fourth in a series of ten posts about gentle, effective ways to guide young children to become self disciplined.

A few words about exercise, rest, and nutrition, and their relationship to discipline.Whole books have been written on each of these topics, and while I don’t have time to write a book today, I want to offer some basic guidelines, and a few good resources for practical guidance. What I will say is this: Two of the most common causes of toddler temper tantrums and melt downs are not enough sleep, and/or hunger. Toddlers also have difficulty remaining co-operative and cheerful if they are cooped up for too long indoors, or don’t have enough opportunities to expend energy in positive ways though active play and exploration. Well rested and well nourished children who have predictable daily routines that include lots of active (outdoor if possible) play each day are generally happy, healthy, well behaved children. Daily rhythms, physical activity, good nutrition, and sleep are inter-related and interconnected. A child who spends lots of time running around outside in the fresh air will tend to have a better appetite, and sleep more soundly at night, as will a child who is not overstimulated or stressed by having to adapt to unpredictable changes in expectations or daily routines.

“RIE emphasizes the benefits of infants spending peaceful, uninterrupted time following their biological rhythms of falling asleep when sleepy and eating when hungry, rather than their having to adjust too soon to external schedules and unrealistic expectations. First, we have to let the child develop his own rhythm; and then later he can adjust more into adult life.” -Magda Gerber

A sleeping child is beautiful part 3 — Sleep

Of course, every child is different, and has varying needs for sleep, but toddlers generally need 10 -12 hours of sleep each night AND a 1-3 hour nap every day. It is worth the time and energy it takes to help your child establish good sleep habits early on. If your toddler doesn’t nap, don’t feel guilty about setting a kitchen timer for an hour, and putting him in his room with a few books and special (quiet) toys that are taken out only for rest time.You both need and deserve this down time, and you will find that your toddler quickly learns to look forward to, and enjoy her quiet time (almost) as much as you do.

Resources -Sleep: Ending Toddler Bedtime Battles

Richard (12m) eating an apple — Nutrition

Toddlers need to eat small amounts of nutritious food every two hours or so. Limit their intake of juice to no more than four ounces of 100 % pure, unsweetened fruit juice a day. Water will quench a toddler’s thirst far better than any other liquid, and won’t cause her to fill up on empty calories.

Your job as a parent is to offer nutritious foods at regular intervals throughout the day, and your child’s job is to decide how much he will eat. If he doesn’t eat well one day, he’ll make up for it the next, or the next. Try not to worry or engage in power struggles over food.

About “picky” eaters – who will only eat chicken nuggets or pizza, or whatever- ahem- YOU as a parent are in charge of the food you purchase, prepare and offer your child to eat. If you only provide fruits,vegetables, fish, yogurt, whole grains, and other healthy choices, this is what your child will learn to enjoy and eat. No two year old need ever know of the existence of chicken nuggets or french fries!

Resources Nutrition: Dr. Greene, White Out, Parenting To Prevent Childhood Obesity, and The Science Of Mom.

Try to get outside everyday-even if it’s only for fifteen minutes.(In New England, we often have winter weather that makes long periods of outdoor time almost impossible on some days.) The change of scene and fresh air are vital for your young child'(and for you!) Toddlers need lots of space to exercise their growing bodies.They also need the opportunity to burn off all their exuberant energy in a positive way. If you do nothing else, leave the stroller at home, and take a walk around your block or neighborhood- at your toddler’s pace, once every day – even in cold or rainy weather.

Resources: Outdoor Play: The Grass Stain Guru

Are you starting to see how all of these pieces work together to support your child in developing inner discipline? Tomorrow, I’ll talk about how to create a home environment that makes it easier for your toddler to co-operate.

It’s All Routine

“On a perfect day in your perfect little world (and it’s always perfect) there is breakfast time, playtime, lunchtime, nap time, snack time, dinnertime, bath time, story time, and bedtime. There is time for everything when you are the timekeeper.” Karen Maezen Miller from Momma Zen, Walking The Crooked Path of Motherhood

Update: This is the third post in a series of ten on gentle, effective ways to discipline children. Today’s post talks about the importance of establishing daily rhythms, rituals, and routines, in order to help your child know what to expect. In Dear Parent, Magda Gerber writes:

“Being exposed to circumstances we cannot anticipate nor understand, and in which we cannot actively participate, makes us feel helpless, like riding on a perpetual merry-go-round. Anticipating a change, on the other hand, gives us a feeling of being prepared, of being in control.”

Establishing consistent daily routines can go a long way in helping to make life with a toddler more joyful, and less harried. This does not mean instituting a rigid schedule of eating, sleeping, and activities, but rather, establishing a predictable sequence of events that happen in a particular order, so your child can know what to expect from day to day. Daily routines give toddlers a sense of control. As they come to know what to expect, they can begin to predict and anticipate ways in which they might participate.

Can you imagine what it would feel like if you had no say over your daily activities, and they changed from day to day without notice or warning ? How cheerful and co-operative do you think you could manage to be in such circumstances? What may be a nice break in routine and feel spontaneous for us as adults, is often confusing and disorienting for toddlers.

In fact, one of the best definitions I’ve ever heard regarding how to gauge if I was being consistent and slowing down enough to allow a young toddler to keep up with me is as follows: If you find yourself feeling slightly bored, or like everything about the day is moving in slow motion, there is a good chance you are going at the right pace for a toddler! Toddlers like routine- it’s why they ask us to read the same book or repeat the same game again and again.

Young children are oriented in present time, move at a slower pace than we do, and need more tarry time to process events or incoming stimuli. I can hear you asking, “What the heck is tarry time ?” Tarry time is simply the “silence between interactions” or the amount of time it takes for a child (or an adult for that matter) to process and respond to incoming information- what someone has just said, a change in body position, or a change in activity.

As adults, most of us are able to process and respond to incoming physical and verbal information very quickly (think of a nurse in an emergency room) but young children need a longer time to absorb and respond (to verbal requests especially) because everything is still so new to them. They are just figuring out how things work, and what words mean. Toddlers are not trying to manipulate adults when they don’t immediately react to a spoken request. (This is why it is so important to slow down, make sure you have your child’s attention, and not to over-talk a situation, or repeat yourself constantly.)

Here’s one of my favorite examples of tarry time: I was the site supervisor of a toddler childcare center for two years. Parents and their children passed right by my office door on their way in and out every day and often stopped to say good morning or goodnight. At the end of the day, Mom or Dad would often be carrying their little one, lugging all of their stuff, trying to sign out, and saying goodbye to me at the same time. Inevitably, the conversations I had with families were short at this time of day; parents and children were both tired and wanted to get home after a long day.

As parents alternately chatted with me and their children, while simultaneously trying to get out the door, they’d often say,”Wave bye- bye to Lisa. We’ll see her tomorrow. It’s time to go home. Why don’t you wave? You know how to wave bye- bye.”

Hardly ever did a child wave goodbye- at least not that the parent knew about! You see, there was a window just inside my office that I knew parent and child would pass by on their way to the car. I would move to that window just after a family exited the building, and ten times out of ten, the child would notice me and would wave goodbye. This was tarry time in action! Mom or Dad was already mentally preparing to deal with traffic on the way home, planning what to eat for dinner, hoping the plumber had showed up, etc., while the child was just processing the idea that it was time to say goodbye!

We give children a wonderful gift as well as foster the opportunity for mutual co-operation and communication, when we are able and willing to SLOW DOWN and wait for a child’s response. Establishing regular daily rhythms and routines further helps children learn to co-operate, because routines provide safety and structure, and children come to know what to expect and are thus able to predict and participate more fully in whatever is happening.

Do you find it easy or difficult to slow down, and to create predictable routines for your child? Do you enjoy any special daily rituals together?

Tomorrow: the importance of rest, exercise, and good nourishment!

A Toddler’s Point Of View

‎”Empathy works so well because it does not require a solution. It requires only understanding.” – John Medina

Update: This is the second post in a series of ten on gentle, effective ways to discipline young children. This post focuses on the importance of showing and expressing empathy for your child’s feelings (warmth), while setting and maintaining firm limits, and inviting your child’s participation in the task at hand. Magda Gerber said, “In the beginning we co-operate more with the baby, and slowly, we ask for more and more participation from them.” There is no doubt that the way we approach a child, what we say, and the way we say it has a huge impact on how our requests are received, and how willing and able our children are to co-operate.

I am going to ask you to take a moment to try and see the world the way a toddler might see it. Get down on your hands and knees, and take a look around. What do you see, what do you hear, how do you feel?

Toddlers are so small, yet they often have very big ideas and plans, but very little say over what happens to them, and when. Think about what it must feel like to be happily engaged in an activity, and then suddenly have someone tell you to hurry up, or that it’s time to stop and move on to something else. This happens quite often to a toddler throughout the day.

Toddlers are very oriented in present time and tend to become totally engrossed in whatever it is they are doing at the moment. They don’t carry around the same agendas and timetables in their heads that we do. They are not ignoring us, trying to manipulate us, or trying to drive us crazy when we call out from across the room that it is time to get dressed to go, and the only response we get is silence. They literally may not register what we are saying.

How to avoid frustration for both child and adult? Slow down, come close, get down to the child’s level, make eye contact, and take a minute to acknowledge what the child is doing. You might say, “I see you are busy building with your blocks, but in a few minutes it will be time to stop playing, put your blocks away, and get dressed.”

In another few minutes, go to her again, get down to her level, make sure you have her attention, and tell her, “It’s time to put your blocks away and get dressed now. I’ll get the bucket for the blocks. Will you help me by getting that one over there and putting it in the bucket?”

There isn’t a need to continue to repeat yourself or to become upset, because most children will co-operate readily if they are always treated in this respectful way. Again: take the time to connect with her and make sure you have her attention, acknowledge what she is doing, let her know what to expect, give her time to transition, request her participation, and involve her meaningfully in the next activity or task at hand.

These few paragraphs illustrate several of the basic tenets of respectful caregiving or parenting, and you can begin to practice communicating in this way with an infant who is just days old.

What if your child doesn’t co-operate, even if you are consistently following the above steps? What if she cries, runs away, or refuses to participate ? It happens sometimes!

First acknowledge her feelings-” I hear you crying, and saying “No!” It’s hard to stop playing when you’re having such a good time. You don’t want to put the blocks away and get dressed.” Full stop. Just let your words sink in, and listen while your child expresses her feelings. (Remember, listening and expressing empathy for a child’s point of view DOES NOT mean that you agree, or that you must give in- it just means allowing her to have and express her feelings, and letting her know you understand.)

In a few minutes, repeat your request. “I understand you don’t want to, but it is time to get dressed now. I will help you. What do we need to do first?” Continue to talk her through the process and ask for her participation. You can offer choices where appropriate-“Would you like to walk to your room, or do you want me to carry you?” No time outs, bribes, false praise, or comments on what a good or bad child she is.

If she participates in the process try saying thank you. If she doesn’t participate, acknowledge and move on. You might say something like, “This is hard for both of us right now. You don’t want to stop playing, but it is time. I will help you, and I’d like you to help me.” The more focused and calm you remain, the more likely it is your child will choose to co-operate.

If she can’t make a choice, you make one for her.

There may be times when it is helpful to back off and give a child a little space. The little boy I am caring for (now 32 months) has recently been going through a period where it has been extremely important for him to feel like he has a lot of choice in what will happen and when, even though he has a predictable daily routine, and long uninterrupted play times everyday. J. routinely and without fail balks at any transition (change from one activity to another) even if it is something like putting his shoes on to go outside, when he has asked to go out in the first place! His parents and I find that it works best for J. if we disengage from the struggle, and give him a few minutes to decide to come around on his own.

Here’s an example: We’re out in the back yard playing. It’s time to go inside and wash hands for dinner. J. knows this because we’ve given him a warning, but when we say it’s time to stop playing and close up the sandbox, he yells, “No, I don’t want to.” Instead of repeating the request, issuing an ultimatum, begging, cajoling, or entering into a contest of wills, which we know from experience will lead to a screaming tantrum, we tell J. that we are going to go inside, and wash our hands, and eat dinner together, and he may join us when he is ready. (Our yard is fenced in and safe, and we can see and hear J. from the kitchen windows.) Within minutes J. will call to us saying, “I ready now. I coming!” And he does. And there is much more peace at our home than there would otherwise be.

A special note about toddlers and running away: this is a favorite toddler game- it’s just plain fun for them, plus on an emotional level they want and need to know that you will come after them and find them! It is very reassuring to a newly mobile and independent child who is exploring more and more of her world outside of the safety of your arms and sight to know that you are paying attention!

So take the time to play hide and seek and chasing games any time your toddler initiates, and re-read The Run Away Bunny (by Margaret Wise Brown) with him, but be clear that you don’t want your toddler to run away when it’s time to do something together like get dressed, or walk from the car to play class.

Tomorrow: how creating consistent daily routines can help toddlers to co-operate more easily.

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