Blog

Helping Your Toddler To Learn To Co-Operate

 The goal of discipline is to help children to gain control over their impulses and become cooperative members of their families first, and then, society. We want to raise children we not only love, but love being around. Magda Gerber

Update: This is the first in a series of ten posts I wrote in 2008, meant to answer the question: “What are effective, gentle ways to discipline young children without resorting to shaming, spanking, yelling, punishing, threatening, bribing, or using time out? I’m beginning with toddlers, because it happens to be the time that is often most challenging for parents, and the age I receive the most questions about, but the learning begins at birth, and many of the suggestions I make can be useful at any age.

 

 

BXP46603
"Take my hand, and together, we'll find the way."
Thanks to Cathy O. for the question that inspired this post, and the next nine you will find here!

Cathy has a 15 month old daughter,  is new to Magda Gerber’s philosophy of respectful parenting, and wants to know how she can help her budding toddler learn to co-operate. Everything is a bit of a struggle right now, with lots of tears and temper tantrums on both sides, and Cathy finds herself wondering where her sweet, easygoing baby went, and how to manage the many struggles that ensue throughout the day.Cathy finds herself frustrated and at a loss a lot of the time, and she finds herself falling back on techniques she swore she’d never use to discipline her child. Time out is not working- which doesn’t surprise me, because it almost never does, especially in the long run.

So, following (Note: this is a series of ten posts.) are my thoughts about what does work!  Keep in mind that all of these ideas are like pieces of a puzzle that work together, and if you have a newborn, you can begin to implement this positive approach NOW, which will make things all that much easier as your baby grows into toddlerhood and beyond.

First,  please know that there is no “magic” as suggested by one popular book (which I don’t recommend). Helping your child grow up to be  a happy, healthy, independent, co-operative child and young adult is a process that begins at birth and doesn’t end until they are well into their teenage years.You are your child’s first and most important teachers, role models, and guides. In fact, it’s most likely that your children are taking cues and learning from your behavior, as much as from anything you say to them. With this idea in mind, you should also understand that your child will save her worst behavior for you and will test you and push you to your limits time and time again.

The good news is that this is actually desirable and healthy. Why is this so?  Believe it or not,  it’s because if you are responsive to your children and meet their basic needs, they come to love and trust you more than anyone else in the world. They count on your unconditional  love, and trust that no matter how difficult things may become, you are the people who will always be there for them, always love them, and always try to do and give your best for them.

Understanding some basic developmental principles can help you to remain calm and supportive when parenting a young toddler. There is no time, except for maybe during your child’s teenage years, that can be more difficult and trying. Yet toddlers can be such a joy and delight to their parents and others because they are so alive, curious, playful,and interested in everything and everyone around them.

In fact, I am going to suggest that toddlers are MOST interested in learning about others and their feelings and reactions, at the same time they are trying to develop their own sense of self and independence. Hence, the many interpersonal conflicts and struggles that arise. Your toddler is newly interested in both how she can make things happen, and how different people react to her and the things she does. She doesn’t have a lot of experience in the world yet, and is just barely beginning to feel and express empathy, but can’t yet take another person’s point of view (perspective taking).

As an example, have you ever been sad or upset and had your toddler run to you and offer you her favorite blanket?  She knows that when she’s upset, she wants her blankie, and it makes her feel better, so she reasons that you’ll feel better if she offers you her blanket, even if what would really make you feel better is a glass of wine, or ten minutes of peace and quiet!

It can be an exhausting time for you as a parent and yes, your child has the incredible energy and ability to continue to persevere in testing you and the limits you have set long after you have exhausted your reservoir of patience and sanity, but once again, this is normal and healthy!

It can help to think of your toddler as a social scientist, who has an unlimited amount of interest and energy to devote to investigating the boundaries of acceptable human behavior- because this is indeed what is happening. This is a necessary process for her to go through in order to develop self regulation (the ability to set limits for herself) friendships, an understanding of herself and others, and how to get along  in the world.

My answer to maintaining your sanity while guiding your child through this process while helping her to learn to be reasonably cooperative (most of the time), does not involve counting, yelling, spanking, bribing, or time outs (for your child, anyway). Tomorrow: the power of empathy to transform resistance into co-operation.

Baby Dancing

 

Diana Suskind is a professor at Fitchburg State College in Massachusetts and is the person who introduced me to RIE and to Magda Gerber’s work.

She is a wonderful, creative lady and a tireless advocate for RIE. She has literally traveled the world introducing Magda and the RIE philosophy to parents, children, and child care providers. In fact, she is now headed to Nepal to continue a project she started there a year or two ago.

Diana also coined the term “tarry time” to describe the time it takes for a young child to respond to a stimulus, such as a request from a parent, or a change in body position. Since everything is so new to infants it takes them a longer time to process and respond to what is happening, and adults can help young children by slowing down and waiting, thus giving the child the time she needs to fully integrate her experience. I will write more about tarry time in another post.

My intention in this post is to introduce you to a sweet board book for children, that contains an important lesson for parents as well. Baby Dancing was written by Diana and is now available for purchase directly through Diana or this website.

Baby Dancing takes the reader through the seasons of a baby’s first year or so, depicting the natural gross motor milestones a baby achieves from laying on his back, to standing and walking. The soft watercolor drawings and the simple, lilting text celebrate each achievement.

One of the cornerstones of Magda’s teachings is to never interfere with a baby’s natural gross motor development but to allow it to happen naturally. This means no tummy time before a baby has learned to roll onto her tummy by herself. It also means not propping a baby into a sitting position before he can achieve that position on his own. Baby seats, baby swings, high chairs,exersaucers, and baby jumpers are all discouraged.

I know, it sounds hard, but it’s not, and it saves tons of money on unnecessary baby equipment as well! The payoff is a young child who is at ease and secure in his body, and often very graceful in his movements.

This is what Baby Dancing is all about, plus it’s fun ( no preaching ), and little ones love having it read to them again and again.

You can now download a copy of Baby_Dancing (in English and Spanish) from Diana’s website Stonework Play.

 

Time Out

I realize it’s been awhile since I’ve written. Today, I want to share a few new resources with you.Let me preface these recommendations with just a little background, if I may.

I just returned from a wonderful weekend retreat at Kripalu Yoga Center in Lenox, MA. I danced, ate good food, spent time in the whirlpool, walked, met some amazing women , had the best seat in the world to view 4th of July fireworks, (as well as 3rd and 5th of July fireworks). engaged in soul searching, journaling, meditation, and yoga, and had more FUN than I can remember having in a long time.AND there’s no wine, or TV there. Evening entertainment consists of chanting- in another language! Internet and cell phone usage is very limited and restricted to certain areas.

I know to some of you what I just described does not sound like YOUR idea of fun, but if you are a Mom, or someone who cares for children on a regular basis, I bet you get it because when you’ve got children to attend to 24 hours a day, the mere idea of going to the bathroom to pee alone sounds like fun!

Anyway, this past weekend was all about self renewal and self care. I was reminded once again of the importance of slowing down and taking time for myself in order to have the energy and joy to continue to nurture the children and families I care for and try to inspire in my work.

I count myself as so lucky and blessed to be able to do (and get paid for! ) work that I love, have chosen, and that feeds and challenges me to grow every day. Yet, if I don’t periodically take time to renew my energy and resources, I find myself with less to give to the children and parents who count on me.

Which leads me to the point of this entry. Finally!

I’m not a big believer in time out for children, but I AM a big believer in time out for adults! So often, when adults send children to a chair for a time out, it is because WE are angry and frustrated, and don’t know what else to do. The child is just being a child.

About time out for children, Magda Gerber often said : “Time out from what? From life ? From learning ? Isn’t it better to stay in life and learn from whatever is happening?”.

Magda’s belief was that young children didn’t benefit much from time out because they lack the ability to sit and reflect on their actions, and if they did indeed possess the ability to self reflect and foresee consequences, they might not be acting like little monsters in the first place!

But children are children, and they need a lot of time and a lot of support from loving adults to become reasonably co-operative and socialized .In the meantime , the adults in their lives have to be patient, and be good role models. This is by no means an easy task on the best of days!

So we as adults, parents, and caregivers, have to take care of ourselves, and renew our reserves on a regular basis if we hope to be able to give our children the support they need.

I’m a big believer in reading, communicating,and sharing resources to help parents achieve their goal of finding ways to “fill up” in order to renew their reserves of energy, patience, and good humor, so that they might then have more to give to their children.

Unfortunately, there’s just so much junk that is pushed upon (marketed to) parents, that I often have a hard time coming up with resources that I can recommend whole heartedly.

Which is why I get so excited when I find resources I can recommend without reservation.

Today, I have two for you – both of which you can access on the web. Do yourself a favor and take a minute to log on to the following sites. I promise you won’t be sorry you did ! ( If you click on the web addresses below, you will go directly to the sites – but don’t forget to come back to Regarding Baby!)

First go to www.lifeorganizerbook.com, which is a web site designed by Jennifer Louden (my retreat leader this past weekend),and then go to www.dork-central.com.

The second site is the brainchild of Christena Frei , and is designed for children ages 9 – 13, but is SO cool,and so much fun, you’ll be glad you visited too ! Have fun and Enjoy !

Bossy

S., who usually loves to help, does not want to help clean up today. Instead she follows me from room to room chattering away as I clean up.

I’m almost done, when she dumps a pail of small plastic toys on the floor, and then walks away and starts playing with a ball.

Me- S. please come and pick up the toys you just dumped on the floor.

S.- no response

Me- S. did you hear me ? I want you to come and pick these toys up if you aren’t going to play with them.

S.- no response

So I walk over and gently take the ball from S., get down to her eye level and say- I will give your ball back as soon as you help me to pick up the big mess you just made.

S.-BIG Sigh- as she walks over and slowly starts picking up the toys.

S.- You know Lisa, you were just using a very bossy voice when you were talking to me.

Me- I’m sorry if that’s true S., but you were ignoring me…

S.- BIG Sigh- and then OK Lisa.

Me- OK S., thanks for helping.

S. is 2 years and 9 months old.

Moral of the story ? You tell me!

Waiting- A Potty Learning Story

Here’s the example you have been waiting for! Honestly, the problem is not what to say, the problem is finding the time to post everything there is to say!

Without fail, the majority of questions and worries parents have tend to fall into three main categories: eating, sleeping,and developmental milestones – for example- ” Will she ever – walk, talk, sleep through the night, use the potty, stop throwing tantrums, learn to listen, learn to enjoy water?”

Most parents honestly don’t know the answers to these questions, for the simple reason that they haven’t ever had a child before, and never spent much time with children before having one of their own! And even if they are second time parents, each child is so unique, that sometimes it’s hard to know if a behavior is “normal” or not. That’s because there is a wide range of normal for any given child!

Sometimes parents unknowingly make a very small problem into a bigger one due to their own fear, worry, concern, and sincere desire to “help” or encourage their child.

I’m lucky in a sense, because I’ve worked with and observed so many families and children over the years, I can usually say and mean, “Don’t worry. Just relax and wait, and this will pass.”

And much to the relief of the parents I counsel – it usually turns out that everything does resolve itself in time, and all is well until the next developmental turning point.

Here is a little secret about how children grow and develop physically, mentally, and emotionally:
They do it in spurts throughout their childhood and into young adulthood. And each growth spurt is accompanied by a period of disequilibrium, which can cause even the most easy going baby to suddenly be fussy for a time, or for a” good”eater to go on a hunger strike, or for a baby who has been walking to “regress” and start to crawl again, or for any number of other surprising changes in a baby’s behavior.

So here is a potty learning story that illustrates the principle I’m referring to. I refer to this story as my “You can lead a child to the potty, but you can’t make her use it until she’s ready,” story.

S. started to show interest in using the potty at about two years old. Her Mom and Dad purchased a little potty chair for her and placed it in the bathroom, and whenever she would follow one of us into the bathroom, and at bath-time, we’d invite her to sit on her potty. She had several successes and was quite proud of herself, and couldn’t wait to wear the cute new underwear she and her Mom had picked out for her at the store.

Then suddenly, much to the dismay of her parents, S. decided she was not interested in using the potty at all- ever ! When we asked her if she wanted to sit on the potty, she said, “Not now,” “When I get bigger,” or just plain “No.” One day she told me, ” But Lisa, I already did it,” in response to my question about whether or not she’d like to sit on the potty. (This cracked me up- because, it seemed to me she was saying, “I did it, everyone cheered, so why do I have to keep doing it again and again?”)

Anyway, Mom and Dad became worried, and wanted to discuss strategies. I told them I had only one – drop it, and let S. decide when she wanted to come back to this particular task. No reminders, no pressure, no bribes, no sticker charts, no candy, no discussions, nothing.

So they tried and mostly succeeded in following my advice (with a few more “adult only” coversations where I reassured them nothing was wrong, and not to worry).

Then one day last week, S. who is now two years and 9 months old, woke up and announced that only babies pee and poo in their diapers, and she used to too, but she was a big girl now, and she peed and pooed in the potty.

And she did! And she does! Within the past two weeks, S. has gone from peeing and pooing in her diapers to wearing underwear and using the potty 99.9% of the time- even asking at our little yoga class (when she had a diaper on “just in case”), to go to the potty!

S. is so proud of herself! Her parents are thrilled, and proud of her, and a little in awe too, of  just how easy the whole process was.

And I am so proud of all of them! Magda Gerber said time and time again- “When a child is ready, he will do it.”  (The “it” being sitting up, walking, using the potty, using his “words”, etc.) Her message to parents was always to do less, worry less , and trust and enjoy children more.

Parenting is a hard enough job without worrying about the things that really come as a natural part of a child’s maturation, and require just time and patience on our part….

Graduation Gift

I have no children of my own- at least not biologically.

I am blessed to have children by proxy. I’ve known M. and her family for 17 years, since their first child, S. was born. I’ve been honored to help care for S. and her sister M.,and to share in their lives in an ongoing and meaningful way for all of this time.

In fact, S. was my “first baby.”.. I couldn’t love her or respect her more if she was my very own child, and yet our relationship has sometimes challenged me and pushed me to my limits. We have struggled through together. It was S. who cried when I left to live and work in California, but it was her sister M. who always welcomed me back into the fold with open arms and an open heart.

After being away for almost 10 years , I moved back to my home in Cambridge, MA, and once again became a daily part of M. and S.’s lives. Of course both girls were teenagers now , not the little girls (ages two and six) that I had left. so many years ago. In the years I was away, I had to content myself with weekly phone calls, and not frequent enough visits, to keep involved in their lives.

Long story short, I’ve been home for two years now, and both girls just celebrated amazing milestones this past week- S. graduated from high-school and M. from the 8th grade. I was honored to be able to attend both ceremonies, along with their parents and grandparents.

Of course, I GAVE gifts, but I also received one that I never expected. M. and I often engage in deep conversation and sometimes heated debate on any number of subjects. My once adoring girl was often heard quoting one of her favorite teachers during these interchanges. It was, “Ms. S. this and Ms. S. that”, and while I was thrilled that she had such a wonderful role model and mentor, I sometimes felt a little left out….

I’d met many of M.’s teachers throughout the years, but had never laid eyes on Ms. S. so I took the opportunity to introduce myself after M.’s graduation ceremony.

Much to my surprise, I’d barely finished saying “My name is Lisa and I’m M.’s … ” before Ms. S. embraced me and uttered words to the effect of , “So you are M.’s Lisa ! I feel as if I know you already, because M. talks about you so often in class ! ” It’s Lisa this and Lisa that, and Lisa made me think… “.

I was in shock and told Ms. S. that at home it was, ” Ms. S. this and Ms. S. that,” which is why I felt compelled to meet her and thank her !

Needless to say, I was near tears. I was so touched. And I was reminded of the importance of never, never underestimating the impact my words and actions could have upon a child.

So, to parents of toddlers and teenagers: it may seem like your children are not paying attention, and/or disregarding everything you have to say – but it’s not true. Keep trusting them, respecting them , listening to them, and talking with them – even if it seems they are dismissing your every word and gesture. It can and does make a difference !

Wait

Suppose: Imagine you felt accepted and supported just as you are, appreciated for everything you do, celebrated and observed in each new accomplishment and allowed time to explore, try, experiment and experience life without judgment or fear of failure. How would it feel to build a lifetime from this strong foundation? Linda Hinrichs

baby robins ©2011 jessi k
So often parents come to me with questions and concerns about their child’s development – “All of the other babies in our play group have been sitting up for months now. When will my baby learn to sit up?” “Will she ever get over her fear of the water and learn to swim?” “When will he start talking?” She’s almost four years old, and she’s not potty trained yet. Should I be worried?” “I’m worried because s/he doesn’t (fill in the blank), yet.”

I’ve often been encouraged by parents, colleagues, and friends to write a book for parents. I have always maintained that there was no need for this since the two best books (Your Self Confident Baby, and Dear Parent) I’ve ever read on the subject of caring for babies have already been written by one of my finest teachers. I really can’t think of anything to add- or a better way to say what she already has.

This being the case – if I was going to write a book it would be short, simple, and sweet- not at all my usual style.

Lucky you, I am going to convey the entire contents of my book to you now, and it won’t cost you a penny!

The idea for this book came to me yesterday, as I realized that time and time again, when parents come to me with concerns regarding their children my answer to their questions boils down to one word- “WAIT!”

So the title of my book is Wait!

“The Hand That Patiently Waits”

 

The entire text of the book is as follows: Whatever concerns you may have regarding your child and her development – just wait. Most likely, the “issue” will resolve itself on its own if you are patient. Try to sit back, relax, notice, appreciate, and enjoy your child for exactly who s/he is and what s/he is doing right now. Try not to worry. Just wait, and trust that s/he will unfold in her own perfect way, and her own perfect time.

Of course, when I counsel parents, I use many more words, many reassurances, and many examples to illustrate the value of this wisdom, and I try to speak specifically and directly to each parent’s  individual concerns and circumstances, but the overall message is often the same.

I in no way mean to undermine or trivialize the questions and concerns parents often have about their children. I do recognize that there are times and circumstances when action is called for, but for all our children ask of us and need from us, perhaps the greatest gift we can give them, and what they most need from us, is patience, and trust that they will achieve developmental milestones in their own unique time, and ways.

“If I sit back, let him get to things when he’s ready, and don’t push, he does just fine. In fact, he thrives. He surprises me. He’ll become exactly who he is supposed to be, exactly when he’s supposed to.” Devon Corneal

(I  originally wrote this post on June 9, 2008. I was inspired by the article, Sink or Swim to update and republish on July 10, 2012. )

Lunch With A Toddler

S. is not interested in eating her lunch today.

Instead she is very interested in pulling her socks off and placing them on her hands.

“Look Lisa, I have sock puppets on my hands !”

Yes, she does indeed have sock puppets on her hands.

As I’m about to remind her that it’s time to eat lunch, and it might not be a good idea to eat lunch with sock puppets on her hands, she scoops up a handful of her pasta with her sock clad hand and stuffs the food into her mouth.

“Yuck,” she says as she spits the mouthful of food back into her hand, “that’s hairy.”

Yucky indeed, and yet somehow,it’s funny too,even though we now have a mess to clean up !

Meditation- Slowly, Slowly, Slowly

Eric Carle is one of my favorite children’s book authors. Recently S. (who is now two and a half years old) and I checked  “Slowly Slowly Slowly Said The Sloth”,  out of the library. This book delighted S. and never failed to relax her before nap time as I read it in a very quiet and s-l-o-w voice. What I really loved, (and lifted from the back of the book to share with you) was a note to readers that Eric Carle wrote that struck me as a good meditation for our times and for all of us – parents or not- so here it is:

Why are we always in such a hurry ? Rush! Rush! Rush! We scurry from here to there. We play computer games and then-quick! click! -we watch t.v. We eat fast food. Everyone tells us to make it snappy. Hurry up ! Time is flying. Step on it ! There’s so little time to be with friends, to watch a sunset, or gaze at a star-filled sky. AH, what we could learn -even if just a little-from the gentle sloth who slowly, slowly, slowly, crawls along the branch of a tree, eats a little, sleeps a lot, and lives in peace.

It strikes me that one of the paradoxes of parenting is that spending a day caring for a busy toddler can seem like it will never end, and yet this time in a child’s life is so fleeting…
One of the great gifts of parenting or caring for a young child is the many opportunities we are offered to slow down and exist in the present moment. Try to take a breath today, and create an opening to just be with your little one in a relaxed way for a few minutes or more. See if it doesn’t make a difference for both of you.