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The Cat in the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party!

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(With thanks to Janet Lansbury for the title!)

I actually took this picture of R’s play space about three weeks ago, but it seemed appropriate to post here, today. R had been playing, and then went for a nap, and I went to tidy up her play space and happened upon this scene, which just made me break down in laughter. I shared this photo on facebook, and it seemed to bring joy to many, and also resulted in this most amazing conversation/revelation which I also want to share, as a testimony to the power of social media to connect  and strengthen all of us.

In response to this photo, Ody, who lives in New York and is someone I have yet to meet in person, but who is a facebook friend and follower responded:

“I must tell you that my father who doesn’t speak, read or write much English is one of your followers. (I told him about you and how we are implementing a RIE approach at our home.)”

I  replied: “Your comment just made me cry (happy tears). Thank you. That is just so beautiful that your father wants to learn and talk about RIE with you, and I am beyond honored that he’d take the time and effort required to translate my posts. So often, I hear from people that their families don’t understand or are critical. And to think that the Internet has made this all possible. It just blows me away.”

Ody: “He took the liberty of adding you and with the help of a dictionary reads everything and then comes and talks about it with the rest of the family and I! He is a wonderful father and always being very respectful and loving towards us, his kids!

Now I am going to translate! Lol! Menegildo Cruz, Le explique a mi amiga Lisa, que usted ha sido un padre maravilloso, muy respetuoso y que siempre ha estado informado y muy al día con todo los acontecimientos.Lo mucho que me apoya con Lulu y el hecho de esta en FB aún con su poca limitación en el Inglés y tecnología. Lo amo!”

Ody: “Awww, you have no idea how much impact your posts have in our life. We talk about it during dinner time! Is part of my bonding with him. He has always being a man ahead of his time, but most of all a great listener. Always paying attention to what’s important to us.This is a man that used to wake up hours before my mom to make us breakfast, that used to cut newspaper articles and send then to me while I was away in college so when on his phone calls to me on Saturdays we could talk about it. Thank you, for creating this platform and educating us. Besos”

Someone very close to me, who has been a friend, a teacher, and a mentor, and who knew Magda Gerber well, recently expressed her doubts about on-line relationships and learning. She asked me, “Do you really think it’s possible for people to connect in a real way on-line? Do you really think we can share RIE in a way that is authentic, and will help people to understand, learn, and make use of the philosophy without the face to face “in person” connection?”  My answer is yes! This conversation is an example of that for me. It warmed my heart and confirmed for me what is possible when we engage in, and use social media authentically, responsibly and with intention. There are drawbacks  and limitations to be sure, but today, I wanted to share with you a possibility.

Happy New Year, everyone!

On Our Way, With a Little Help From Our Friends (A Christmas Miracle)

Wonder

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As many of you know, I am in the (very long, painfully slow) process of adopting my niece R from the foster care system, and to that end, I  have been required to remain in the state of Florida (where she was born) throughout this past year. On December tenth, R and I received a ruling from the court that I consider to be nothing short of a Christmas miracle. The judge approved my request to return home to Santa Cruz, California, with R, in February of 2014.

One year ago, R was just shy of five months old, and we had been together for just three weeks:

Tomorrow, she will be 17 months old, and we will have been together for a little over a year. She is a RIE baby through and through and has developed all of her gross motor milestones naturally.

I was in the kitchen preparing dinner last week, while she contentedly played in her play area. I turned around to see her sitting at the top of the small, wooden climbing structure that had been sitting in her play space since she was about 6 months old. She had never paid any attention to it before. I grabbed the phone camera, and for the next half hour, I watched and recorded in silent awe, as she proceeded to navigate the climber on her terms:

Those of you who have been following us on our journey through this past year know that it’s been quite a ride. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and for us, that phrase holds special meaning. Through it all, despite being quite isolated and alone here in Florida, I have been privileged to have the support of the most incredible, generous group of friends back home in California, as well as an amazing online community of parents and educators, who are also endeavoring to raise their babies with Magda Gerber’s principles of respect.

It has been an honor to be able to contribute to the RIE/Mindful Parenting Group on Facebook, and it is not an exaggeration to say that the relationships I have formed, and the support I have received in return for my participation, have made it possible for me to survive this past year with all of its many emotional and financial challenges.

We still have some hurdles to face and overcome before the adoption is final, and I will remain under state supervision in California (meaning, having to clear another background check, submitting to another home study, monthly visits from a social worker, and endless piles of paperwork and red tape), but returning home also means that we will have nearby friends and community surrounding us, and I will be able to return to work and teaching parenting classes, as I will have access to childcare that I trust. At this time, I am relying on friends back in Santa Cruz to help with home hunting, and I am busy trying to navigate the logistics of a move across country with an active toddler in tow! (All housing leads appreciated!)

Together

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whatever happens, R and I will be together, and that, my friends, fills my heart with joy. I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you, from the bottom of my heart, for your caring, your sharing, your generosity, and your ongoing emotional and practical support. Thank you for helping me to bring R home. We couldn’t have made it this far without you. Sending much love and many warm wishes for the happiest of holidays to you and yours, Lisa

 

Toddler Testing: Problem or Opportunity?

“Go slowly and with great patience.” Magda Gerber

Emma writes: “I really struggle with a particular issue at meal times with my 11 month old son. He is awesome with washing hands, but pulls away, pulls at the cloth, and tries with all his might to throw it on the floor when I wipe his face. I’ve tried slowing down. I always tell him what I am going to do before I do it, and I have tried offering the cloth to him. (He throws it as far away as possible, every time.) How do you do it???”

Communication, conversation, turn taking, cooperation, independence, and self mastery all develop through the everyday care routines (feeding, nose wiping, diaper changing, bathing, etc. ) we engage in with our infants and toddlers.

Emma, I think you just have to keep trying, remain calm and consistent, and trust that one day your son is going to understand and choose to participate and cooperate more.  If you go very slowly, stay calm, and keep talking him through the process while asking and waiting for his participation and cooperation, it will get easier one day.

Maybe it will help you to know that not everything always goes so smoothly around here. For instance, when R was about 11 months old, she decided that she absolutely did not want anything at all to do with diaper changing. She would crawl over to her diaper changing area when I noted it was time for a change, but it was all downhill from there. Once she got to the changing pad, she would not stay still. She would not stay on her back for even the two minutes it took me to fasten her diaper. She spent every diaper change trying to escape, grabbing at the wipes and the diaper, trying to kick me, bucking her body, and yelling at me in protest.

For my part, I started to dread diaper changes. I did them as infrequently as possible. I found myself asking, then  pleading for, and finally demanding cooperation. (Demanding didn’t work so well.)  I tried everything I knew how to do. Slowing down. Talking with her. Asking for her permission and participation. Letting her roll and play. I tried to do as much of the diaper change as I could while she was on her tummy. I tried singing silly songs.

Each time, it would go like this: She’d roll onto her tummy and try to escape. I’d wait a minute, and try to involve her in the task at hand. I would hand her the diaper to hold, and she’d drop it on the floor and laugh. I’d hand her the box of wipes, wait for her to pull one out, and ask her to hand it to me, and she’d drop it on the floor and laugh. I’d ask her to turn on her back after letting her roll around for 3 minutes, and I knew she understood, because she’d get very still, then turn on her back, give a grin, and flip right back onto her tummy again. I’d try, in vain, to encourage her to help me dress her, by asking her to push her limbs through the holes of her clothing, and she’d squirm away and flail. I could feel myself growing impatient and my blood pressure rising.

One day, when poop was flying everywhere, my patience was short, and asking her to stay still wasn’t working, I insisted she had to stay still, and I “helped” her by placing one arm across her body so she couldn’t roll.  This didn’t feel good to me, and for her part, she let me know how she felt about being restrained by literally growling at me!

It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t fun for me, but as much as she complained and protested during the diaper change, she’d go back to happily playing and babbling once it was all over, while I was left feeling frustrated, cleaning up poop from every surface, wondering what I was doing wrong, and thinking, “There’s got to be an easier way.” I  found myself looking on-line at those diaper changing devices that “gently restrain” babies, and promise easy, mess free diaper changing. (Yes, I did!!!) I had to laugh at myself, because after all, here I was, supposedly one of the diaper changing queens of the baby world!

What happened? Our diaper changing times used to be such wonderful times of connection and closeness, and now, almost every time, it was miserable for both of us. What happened was that my girl was maturing into a young toddler. She was mobile and also asserting her will and personality. She was asking me to engage with her on her terms, as much as I was asking her to engage on mine. This (as I’d counseled many a parent in the past) was a good and positive sign of the trust she had developed in me to listen to her, and to do things with her, instead of for her or to her. As much as it was my job to gently bring her back to the task at hand, it was also my job to follow her lead a bit, and find a way to make room for, and enjoy her emerging playfulness and need to be in constant motion.

I re-read Janet Lansbury’s post,, Dealing With Diaper Changing Disasters, and Mamas In The Making post, Catch Me If You Can.

Finally, it dawned on me that maybe my attitude and approach needed to change if it was going to get any better. I had begun to look at diaper changing  time as a “problem” to be solved instead of an opportunity to build communication, cooperation, and connection. I just wanted to get the chore done. I anticipated that it was going to be a disaster, and more often than not it was. I also realized that I wanted R to listen to me, and participate, but on my terms and timeline. I forgot that what she was doing was crucial, and an important part of her learning process.

How often had I counseled other parents to try to relax, step back a little, and re-frame the issue (whatever it was)? It was time to take my own advice. I needed to adjust my attitude and expectations. “This isn’t a problem. It is an opportunity. This is just what’s happening right now. It’s part of the process of growth and learning. We’ve got to find a way to do it together.”

Amazingly enough, as soon as I stopped approaching the diaper changing time as a dreaded task to be gotten through, and tried to see it as a time to build connection, cooperation and communication, it got better and easier. R was suddenly more willing and able to cooperate. And then tonight, there was this, during another caregiving time:

I was wiping R’s face with a washcloth after dinner. She was grabbing at the cloth, and pushing my hand away. I said, “Would you like to hold the cloth and try by yourself?” while holding the cloth out to her with an open palm. She took the cloth and swiped at her face, then she reached out and handed the cloth back to me. I said, “Thank you!” She laughed, and reached for the cloth again, so I handed it back to her. We then spent the next ten minutes handing the cloth back and forth to each other. Each time she handed me the cloth, I said, “Thank you!” and she gave a delighted grin and belly laugh before reaching out to ask for the cloth again. This was one of the best conversations I’ve ever had, bar none.

Emma, I know that it’s not always easy, but try to trust that together with your son you will get to where you want to be (eventually). Try to look at the struggles as opportunities instead of problems. Remember that this is all a part of the process, and the building of a relationship and conversation that will last a lifetime. It takes time. Try to remember to slow down, and don’t forget to laugh when you can. Because the alternative is frustration for both of you, and who needs that? I promise you, if you stick with it,  there will come a day (and soon), when you will experience the joy of a reciprocal conversation with your boy, much like the one I had with R the other night, and I’d love to hear about it when it happens!

RIE From The Start- 2 Simple Things You Can Do to Support Baby

“Slow down, and then slow down some more. Indicate, and tell even a child who doesn’t understand verbal communication yet, “I’m going to pick you up.” And then comes my magic word. If people only remember that one word: Wait. Then you wait and the child gives a signal, most likely. It depends on the age. And then that means,”Aha. the penny dropped, I understand. I’m ready.” Then you pick up the child.

Very few people do that. Most people grab, and they pick up very fast as if they are picking the child up out of a fire. Everybody always rescues. I tell the mothers, “Imagine a giant comes who is much taller, stronger, bigger, and grabs you and you don’t even know what will happen to you. It’s scary. So, slow down. Give yourself time. Tell your child what you are going to do. Wait for a little response.” Magda Gerber

The inspiration for this post came from a recent conversation that occurred in as unlikely a place and with as unlikey a person as I could have ever imagined. I was in a courthouse in Delray Beach, Florida, talking with the State’s attorney. She asked for my contact information. I handed her my business card. She looked at it briefly, and then said, “What is it you do anyway?” “I work to support and educate parents to understand and enjoy their babies more, and to feel more confident and relaxed in their parenting role.” “How exactly do you do that?” “I write a blog, do personal consultations by phone or in person, and offer play groups for babies and their parents.” “Can I ask you a question?” “Sure.”

“My son and his wife are living with us. They have a new baby who is just 4 months old. We’re a close family. But I wonder… The baby cries and cries. It’s been a long time since I had my babies. I know babies cry, but I don’t remember mine crying so much. I worry because our household is very chaotic. There’s a lot of noise, a lot of activity, and a lot of people coming and going. The baby’s mom and dad hold him a lot, which sometimes calms him, but lately, when they put him down after he falls asleep, he wakes crying even harder, and can’t be calmed. Is there anything we can do to support him more?”

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And there was my cue.

No matter what your circumstances, no matter how chaotic the environment, no matter if you’ve heard of RIE or not, there are two simple things you can do to support your baby in adjusting more easily to his world. You can slow down and listen, (or observe), which will help you to begin to understand what your baby may be trying to tell you he needs, and you can talk with your baby, which will help him to make sense of his world, and to understand you.

It can be helpful to understand that all babies cry. This is a baby’s primary form of communication. A baby’s cry is meant to elicit a response. Some will cry more, some less. This may be due in part to a baby’s personality, environment, and/or birth circumstances. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with the baby or the parent. Most likely, the baby is crying because his system is immature, and it takes a good 3-4 months for him to adjust to being here on earth. In the early months, babies are settling, and everything is new and overwhelming to them. How we respond makes a difference in what they learn and how they experience us and their world.

Recognize that a simple change in position, from being snuggled in arms to being placed down in a crib for sleep, can be experienced in the baby’s body like a small earthquake, especially if it happens when they are asleep, and they’ve had no warning. So, it’s best to put the baby down when he is relaxed and drowsy, but not yet asleep, and to do this as slowly and gently as possible, and AFTER you have told him you are going to put him down (even if he has fallen asleep in your arms first).

Sometimes, you may be able to determine a cause for the crying, and act to alleviate the discomfort. He may be hungry, wet, tired, too hot or too cold, and feeding, changing, reducing stimulation and/or putting him down to sleep, or adding or subtracting layers of clothing may soothe and comfort him, and the crying will abate. It doesn’t hurt to tell him you are trying to understand, and to ask him why he is crying, or what he may need.

But sometimes, you may not be able to discern a reason for the tears, and no matter what you do, the crying may continue. Knowing and understanding that this is normal and natural can go a long way towards supporting both babies and their tired, overwhelmed parents. When your baby cries, take a moment to pause, listen, and do your best to try to understand what your baby is telling you.

“So then what?” Get into the habit of talking with your baby from early on, even if it feels odd, even if you don’t think he can understand or respond. (Recent research tells us that babies as young as two months old DO know, understand, and anticipate our intentions.) Tell him what to expect, and what you will do, before you do it, and then, pause and wait for his response. (Some parents have reported that silently counting to 10,  before moving on, helps them to pause and slow down to wait for the baby’s response.)

These two simple things- slowing down, and getting into the habit of talking with your baby and letting him know what to expect, will make a world of difference in his experience and yours. If you do this from the beginning, you will be establishing a relationship, communication, and trust that will last a lifetime, and serve to support both you and your baby now, and as he grows. Try it, and see if it makes a difference!

Trusting Baby To Be A Problem Solver

“Trust your baby’s competence: she wants to do things for herself, and she can do things for herself. You also know that your child does need help, but try to provide just that little amount of help that allows the child to take over again. Let her be the initiator and problem solver. We can look at life as a continuation of conflicts or problems. The more often we have mastered a minute difficulty, the more capable we feel the next time.” Magda Gerber 

 

There’s a scene in Magda’s film, On Their Own With Our Help, that I’ve always loved. A baby gets stuck under a table, and is upset and crying. Magda doesn’t move the table, pull the baby out, or pick the baby up, but instead gets down under the table and talks to the baby, who is able to crawl out on his own. She then stays with him and comforts him until he’s calmer, and ready to move on.

Magda explains had she moved the table or simply picked the baby up, she would be depriving him of the opportunity to participate in the problem solving. Since the baby was in no real danger, she didn’t want to “rescue” him and send the message that he was completely helpless. She said, ” He did the crawling out on his own. I just helped show him the way.”

Self confidence, problem solving, competence, body and spatial awareness, resilience, trust, and language development. All of these grow and are strengthened through everyday interactions like this one.

We had a reenactment here the other day, when R., eleven and a half months old, rolled under the bed, got stuck, and started calling for me to help her:

 

I’m no expert with the camera, so forgive the shakiness, but there’s no mistaking the look of pleasure and pride R. experiences when she figures out what she needs to do, and does it, all on her own, with just a little support from me.

“The happiest, most self-confident babies are those who are respected as innately capable, encouraged to be active participants in their care (and life), and allowed to be achievers whenever possible.” Janet Lansbury

 

 

Tummy Time Baby’s Way

Natural, unassisted gross motor development means waiting for baby to choose tummy time. This is how it happens, or at least how it’s happening here…

One day before her 5 month birthday, R. turned onto her tummy all by herself. She was startled and didn’t like it much, and immediately let out a loud wail. After acknowledging what she had accomplished, “You turned onto your tummy!”,  I told her I was going to pick her up, and after a bit of cuddling, I placed her down in her play space on her back, where she contentedly continued to play for another hour.

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She chose not to return to the tummy position for almost a full month afterwards. She would play on her back, finding her toys,  bringing them to mid-line, and her mouth, and she also did quite a bit of playing while lying on her side, but she stopped short of turning onto her tummy.

Then one day, about a month later, she DID turn onto her tummy, and while it was clear to me that she was “ready” for this experience, as evidenced by the fact that she could lift her head and look around easily in this position, as well as support herself on her forearms, and reach and grab for toys, she was STILL clear she did not like it, and was uncomfortable.

I continued to put her on her back for play, and let her choose, and about two weeks ago, even though she never again turned onto her tummy during play time while awake, she started turning onto her tummy when she was in her crib, asleep. The change in position would inevitably wake her, and she’d cry out to me in distress.

I responded by going to her and acknowledging, “You turned onto your tummy, and you woke up. I am going to pick you up, and put you down on your back, so you can rest.” She would sigh and stretch out and go back to sleep, although I often didn’t! This cycle repeated itself 5 or 6 times a night.

For the past three nights, R. has continued to turn herself over in her sleep, and each time, she cries out briefly, but then immediately goes back to sleep on her own, still on her tummy. Here is how I find her when I go in to greet her in the morning:

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Today, one day shy of her 7 month birthday, she has been on a nap strike. She is clearly tired, and seems happy to be in her crib, but shortly after I leave the room, she cries out insistently, and when I respond, I find she is on her tummy, and often has moved a full 180 degrees from the position she was originally in.

She grins when she sees me, and I tell her (after a few minutes of observing her and talking with her), that I am going to pick her up, place her on her back, and let her rest. We have repeated this cycle about ten times so far today. In between NOT napping, I feed her and change her diaper, and we enjoy this slow, connected, time together, and then she plays contentedly on her back  for short periods in her play space.

R. has not yet figured out how to (or that she can) turn from her tummy to her back on her own, so she needs my support right now. I see my role as listening to her, acknowledging her, reassuring her, and re-positioning her when she tells me she is too uncomfortable, and doesn’t know how to turn back on her own. Most of all, I view my role as trusting her, trusting her process, trusting her timing, and trusting that she is going to figure this out for herself in her own time, if I just wait and offer her the right amount of support.

Is it easy for either of us? No. There is struggle. There is frustration. There is disruption in sleep. There is complaining (on both our parts). Would I do it any other way, or change anything if I could? Not a thing.

R. is learning to learn. She is learning that she is in charge of her own body and her own process. She is learning to trust herself. She is learning to trust me. I am learning to trust her. She is learning that SHE is in control, and that she can move one way, and then another way, if she is not comfortable. And she’s learning that she’s not alone in this, no matter how difficult or uncomfortable it may be for her right now. These are lessons that will serve her well throughout her life.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about and you are curious to learn more, or if you have an idea of what I’m talking about, and still want to learn more, I can do no better than to refer you to Janet Lansbury’s site, elevating childcare, for she (and Magda Gerber before her) has been my truest and most trusted guide, mentor, friend, and teacher.

 

 

Take a CALMS Approach to Your Crying Baby

 

Is The “Happiest Baby On The Block” the Most Oppressed? Why I’m Not A Fan of the “5S” Method Of  Calming Crying Babies, continues to generate a lot of interest and (sometimes) heated discussion, eight months after it was first published.

One of the biggest arguments in favor of Dr. Karp’s “Happiest Baby” books and videos, is that the technique works to calm babies and gives desperate parents useful tools, and some relief from infant crying, which is often referred to as colic, but is more accurately described as The Period of PURPLE Crying.

Some of you may be interested to know that the only published research regarding the usefulness  of the “Happiest Baby” method indicates: “The behavioral intervention, when (training for parents is) provided via videotape, does not seem to be efficacious in decreasing total crying among normal infants.”

It was a small study, but it was randomized and controlled, and what stood out for me was that the babies who received intervention actually had slightly INCREASED (though not enough to make a significant statistical difference), overall daily crying times, and slightly SHORTER overall sleep times, and this was consistent across time, from 1 week to 12 weeks.

Additionally, there was no difference in the Parent Stress Index between the intervention and nonintervention groups at the 6 week mark.

So, if the 5 S’s don’t work to help soothe babies, and they don’t help to reduce parental stress, and they do nothing to help you build your relationship with your baby, what does help?  I think maybe what we need is a whole new understanding of, and approach to infant crying.

First, it may help for all health care professionals to educate potential and new parents regarding what to expect in terms of normal infant crying.

Next, it may help for all of us to examine our own attitudes and feelings about babies crying.

Magda Gerber suggested:

“You expected to have a magic formula to always know what your baby needs – your baby cries and cries, it alarms you, you do not know what she needs or what to do. Realistically, had you watched parents with very young children, you would not feel so alien. You would have learned that all babies cry.

Of course, nothing really prepares you to experience your own feelings of empathy, irritability, helplessness and maybe even rage when you hear your baby cry. (Interesting article here explaining what happens in adult brains when babies cry.) However, it may help to remember that your baby comes into a world where everything is brand new. She is equipped with an immature physiological sphere. She needs to sort out sensations coming from within and a barrage of stimuli coming from the outer world. Her body looks tense, her movements spasmodic. She expresses her discomfort by crying.

It will take her some time to function more smoothly, to relax, to anticipate and respond to your care. How can you help? First, do accept that you don’t understand instinctively what exactly makes your baby cry, nor what to do about it. Next, rather than responding mechanically with one of the usual routines of holding, feeding or changing your baby to stop the crying, start a dialogue with her. Tell her, “I see you’re uncomfortable, and hearing you cry really upsets me. I want to find out what you need. Tell me. I will try to understand your cues and, in time, you will learn to give them to me so I do.”

This is the start of lifelong honest communication. For a long time it may feel as if it is only one-sided, but delightful surprises in your baby’s responsiveness will convince you how she was putting together all your words, gestures, and facial expressions all along.

Eventually, you and your baby will develop a peaceful, predictable rhythm of life. Infants who do not need to adjust to too much unnecessary stimulation will regulate their sleeping and eating patterns. This, in turn, will give their parents some predictable time for their own needs and interests.”

One of the most helpful things you can do for yourself and your child is to maintain your own sense of calm, which I recognize is sometimes easier said than done, but pays off in a more peaceful baby, and a stronger relationship with your baby.

A resource that I  can highly recommend is this little gem of a book called CALMS, A Guide to Soothing Your Baby, written by Debby Takikawa, DC, and Carrie Contey, Ph.D.

CALMS, A Guide to Soothing Your Baby

 

There is a lot of gentle wisdom packed into this short (100 page), easy read that explains an alternative to reacting or responding with a prescribed technique when your baby cries.

Very briefly, the authors suggest that when adults are faced with a crying baby, they take the following five steps to restore harmony:

C- Check in with yourself.

A- Allow a breath.

L- Listen to your baby.

M- Make contact and mirror feelings.

S- Soothe your baby.

Each chapter of the book explains in simple, clear detail the how and why of each step, giving you practical tools, exercises, and words you can use to help yourself and your baby. There is a list of commonly asked parenting questions, and two pull out sheets so you can tape one on the fridge to remind yourself, and share one with others.

You might notice that the first three steps ask you to focus on yourself and to listen to your baby, before making contact and trying to take steps to soothe your baby. The reason for calming yourself first, before trying to calm or soothe your baby: “Babies understand and actually mimic and internalize their parents’ inner states by reading their subtle expressions and body language cues…If you are feeling stressed or unsettled, your baby is tuning into that. When you are calm and settled, your baby will know that she is safe (the first, and most basic need), which will help her settle too.”

I particularly appreciated the chapter entitled Why Do Calms?, where the authors share their view of babies and contrast it to our accepted cultural view. They write,”Typically, babies are seen as passive passengers in the womb and for some time after birth, not possessing enough brain structure to express meaningful communication and learn or maintain memories before they are able to speak.”

Now, research is confirming what some (like Magda Gerber), have long maintained, which is that “babies are sensitive and aware in the womb and beyond; the newborn arrives as a whole person on a lifelong continuum of development; memory is being created through the emotions and senses from the very beginning; experiences before, during, and after birth have a direct effect on lifelong physical and psychological health; and a baby’s earliest experiences and interactions with parents and caregivers influence how the brain and nervous system develop.”

If we accept and adopt this view of babies, maybe it’s just possible that we can replace the 5 S approach with CALM(S), and respect for what a baby needs and is capable of. And just possibly, we might all coexist a little more peacefully. What do you think?

Baby at Play

Infants are individuals unto themselves. Artists and creative people, whether they are painters, musicians, writers, architects, designers, or philosophers, have by definition embraced and honed their individuality and express a unique vision to the world. If an infant can begin to spend time gazing at, listening to, and later touching and examining what interests him in his surroundings, rather than being forced to see and hear a mobile above his face every time he wakes up, or a rattle being shaken in front of him, then he has a better chance of staying in touch with his own unique essence. Janet Lansbury, Blue Sky Thinking

 

This short two minute video clip was recorded today during a play session that lasted for over an hour. R., who is five months old, peacefully and contentedly chose to explore and manipulate a piece of wax paper, forever challenging the notion that babies get bored easily, have short attention spans, need to be entertained, or need expensive and fancy toys to stimulate them. Enjoy!

 

 

Home at Last!

 

I am thrilled to announce that R. came home to her family on November 29. 2012. I think she’s as happy to be home as we are to have her here with us.

A quote that sums up some of my feelings about our first week together: “If one feels the need of something grand, something infinite, something that makes one feel aware of God, one need not go far to find it. I think that I see something deeper, more infinite, more eternal than the ocean in the expression of the eyes of a little baby when it wakes in the morning and coos or laughs because it sees the sun shining on its cradle.” Vincent Van Gogh

What a 4 Month Old Baby Knows

Here’s what you need to know and understand about babies, even very young babies. They are competent, alert, paying attention, and learning all the time. Don’t ever doubt it.

Experts used to believe (and some still do) that an infant peacefully lying awake in his crib couldn’t possibly be ‘doing’ anything, or at least not anything worthwhile. One influential author even believes that babies “should not be put down at all” and that “babies placed in cots live in a state of longing…” These subjective assumptions and projections are not only untrue, they grossly underestimate the infant mind and are, quite honestly, a little egocentric on the part of the adult. Babies are only capable of being followers, never initiators? They have no mind or will of their own? They can’t take an interest in life unless they are in the arms of an adult? Janet Lansbury, The Secrets of Infant Learning 

 

A short story to illustrate: R. is just a bit older than four months. We visited the pediatrician on Monday, and I told him that in reviewing her medical records, I had noticed that he had recommended she start taking a daily dose of Vitamin D drops back in September, yet her previous foster parents hadn’t mentioned this to me, nor had they provided me with drops. I was wondering if maybe they had been discontinued for some reason.

The pediatrician confirmed that he had recommended the drops, and she should be taking them every day, so I purchased them. On day one, R. eagerly accepted the drops, sucking them down without a problem, although she slightly furrowed her brow at the taste. Of course, I explained to her that these were her vitamins, and she needed them to grow healthy and strong, and I understood that they didn’t taste as good as her milk.

On day two, three, and four, she cooperated with taking the drops, although a little less readily, and again with a furrowed brow, and a bit of a grimace at the taste. I am trying to establish a consistent rhythm and routine with her, so I always give her the drops at about the same time of day, after a diaper change, and before her bottle.

Today (day 5), as soon as she saw the dropper, and heard me say, “It’s time for your vitamins,” she tightly clamped her lips shut! She knew what was coming, and her message was clear. “I don’t like these vitamins, and I’m not interested in participating in taking them.” I stayed calm, and explained that she needed her vitamins, and asked for her cooperation. She resisted. She pushed my hand away. She spit the vitamins, no matter how slowly I dispensed them from the syringe. She cried, and kicked her feet. She pouted, and made raspberries, but not the ones she makes when she’s playing and happy. These were more like “PFFFT…. This is yukky, and I don’t like it!”

At four and a half months old, R. clearly knows what she likes and wants, and what she doesn’t. She clearly understood what was coming when she saw the medicine dropper today, and she let me know in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t interested in participating. She is clear and strong willed, which delights me to no end. I believe these traits will serve her well in life, and I admire her spunk.

As much as possible, I want to honor R.’s preferences. But vitamin drops are not negotiable. So, even though she protests, I will continue to give them to her in as respectful  a way as possible, asking for her participation and cooperation, acknowledging her feelings, and letting her know that I hear her, and understand that she doesn’t like them. I will also search for a brand that meets my standards for quality, but might be a bit more palatable to her, and hopefully she will learn to appreciate that while they don’t taste great, taking her vitamins is important, and I’m not needlessly torturing her!

Do you have a story to share that illustrates a young baby’s incredible learning ability and competence? I’d love to hear it.