Update: This is the fifth in a ten part series on gentle effective ways to discipline young children. If your child is in childcare, or you’ve ever had the pleasure of visiting or participating in a parent/infant class, you may have found yourself wondering how it’s possible that groups of  six or eight young toddlers can co-operate so well, and play so peacefully and contentedly, with a minimum of direction from adults. Often, one of the things that allows young children to succeed in co-operating so easily in a play group or a quality childcare setting  is that the environment is set up to support their success. Any experienced caregiver or teacher knows that a carefully prepared environment goes a long way to help define the “rules” and “limits” for children, thus making it easier for everyone to know what to expect, and to relax and enjoy each other more, without the need for adults to do a lot of “correcting” of children.

The family I’ve been working with for the past five years found me through a nanny agency. In order to qualify to be listed with the agency, I had to go through an extensive application and interview process that included answering a number of questions about how I’d handle different situations that commonly arise when taking care of young children. One of the questions was as follows: What would you do if the two year old you were caring for drew on the walls with a crayon? My answer was that if the two year old I was caring for had drawn on the wall,  it would be a clear indication that I wasn’t doing my job well. I went on to explain that I thought it was unreasonable to expect a two year old to know or consistently remember that drawing on the walls wasn’t acceptable, and part of my job as a nanny was to create a  environment that allowed a child to play freely, without a lot of restrictions. So, crayons would be kept where a two year old couldn’t reach them, and if crayons were going to be used, I would cover a large surface with butcher block paper, and be close by to observe, in case a gentle reminder was needed to help the child remember to color only on the paper. Sometime after I’d been hired, Vicki ( Mom of S. and J.) told me when she was reading through candidate profiles and she saw my answer to this question, she said to herself, “That’s the person I want to take care of my baby.”

Our instinct as parents is to say, “Oh no, don’t do that”, when our toddler surprises us by suddenly being able to reach or climb to something “out of bounds”. But our children’s abilities are developing daily and we don’t want to discourage them.  Remembering to say, “Wow, you can reach that now!” Or, “Look at the leaf you found,” before saying, “but this isn’t safe for you to touch (or put in your mouth). I’m going to move it”, encourages our baby to continue following his healthy instinct to explore. – Janet Lansbury

Consider this: All behavior has a reason and a message. Young children are naturally curious and creative, and they love to experiment. They learn through their play! Sometimes what adults see as destructive or unsafe behavior is simply a child experimenting, or “not knowing.” If we understand this, we can create an environment that allows children to be children and to explore and experiment without being “bad” or wrong.

Try to take some time each day to just observe and contemplate your child. What is going well? What is difficult? What is she especially interested in right now? Is she throwing all of her toys? Has she got an excess of energy?  Is she resisting EVERY time a transition takes place? Is she getting into things you don’t want her to and making a mess? Is she taking out all of her toys, strewing them all over, and then saying, “Mommy clean it up ?”

Ask yourself what your toddler’s behavior seems to be saying she most needs and is most interested in, and use your environment to help you give your child  clear messages about what behavior is expected and accepted, without having to constantly say “No,” or redirect her.

Ideas for accomplishing this: First, make sure your home environment is safe. How safe is safe? I love Magda Gerber’s definition: Your home ( or at least your child’s play space) should be so safe, that should you get locked out for an hour while your child is inside, when you return, you may find her wet, hungry, tired, or upset – but physically unharmed, beyond a minor scratch or two. One of the easiest ways to make your home safe is to install gates to the doorway of any room, (or set of stairs) you don’t want your child to enter without you. If  possible, you might consider creating a safe play space both indoors and out, and create a routine from early on of spending some time just being with your baby in her play space everyday. (A little baby who is not yet mobile only needs a small space like a pack and play.)

It goes without saying that your presence and attention is also needed to keep your little one safe- thus the emphasis on taking unhurried time to just enjoy watching  her at play every day, and using the information and clues you gather to adjust your environment to further meet her changing needs.

Creating a safe play space in your home for your baby not only allows her to have a space that is all her own, where there are very few restrictions, but it allows you to take care of some of your needs and get some chores done too- without resorting to turning on the television to entertain her, confining her to a chair, bringing her into the bathroom while you brush your teeth, or into the kitchen while you are cooking.

Here are examples of ways to adjust your child’s play environment to help meet her needs and make it easier for her to succeed in co-operating: If she’s got a lot of energy, make sure she has push and pull toys to use, as well as a simple climbing slide that can be used indoors or out ( Little Tykes makes a good, solid, inexpensive one). Give her empty cardboard boxes to climb in and out of,  balls to chase, and big, but not necessarily heavy objects to move around, such as a plastic step stool, big pillows, and empty 5 gallon water bottles.

If she’s throwing all of her toys, put away hard toys, and leave out soft toys, dolls, blankets, stuffed animals, and buy a Nerf basketball hoop. Buy baskets ( 99 Cent Stores are a great place to find these ) or use laundry baskets for her to toss balls into. Baskets and plastic containers are also great for filling and dumping, AND they make cleaning up and sorting toys a breeze as well, while providing yet another activity your toddler will love.

If every transition brings on a temper tantrum, ask yourself if your child is hungry, tired or getting sick. Perhaps she needs more quiet time playing at home,  just messing around, and less time in structured activities? Blowing bubbles, water play, sand play, play dough, and shaving cream “art” tend to be very soothing for toddlers, (as long as they are past the stage of putting everything into their mouths). You can fill low, deep containers (think: plastic, under the bed storage containers) with rice and add scoops and cups for another soothing activity – this works indoors as well as outdoors. It’s easy to clean up, and if you buy a container with a top, you can save the rice, and use it again and again. (I have become very creative since moving back to MA where the weather is miserable a lot of the time, and it’s not possible to spend 12 of 24 hours outside most days, as it is in California!)

If your toddler resists cleaning up, maybe you’ve got too many toys out and you need to put some of them away and rotate them.  If he’s getting into things you don’t want him to, put them away out of sight and out of reach, under lock and key if necessary.You are getting the idea , I’m sure. There is so much you can do to make your job as a parent easier, while meeting your child’s needs, and gently helping her to succeed in gaining the independence and judgment she needs to be able to make good choices.

Have you found ways to use your home environment to support  your child’s natural creativity and curiosity, while helping her to understand and accept limits and boundaries? I’d love it if you’d share your ideas here.

Tomorrow, how to talk so your child can listen!

 

Update: The fourth in a series of ten posts about gentle, effective ways to guide young children to become self disciplined.

A  few words about exercise, rest, and nutrition, and their relationship to discipline.Whole books have been written on each of these topics, and while I don’t have time to write a book today, I want to offer some basic guidelines, and a few good resources for practical guidance. What I will say is this: Two of the most common causes of toddler temper tantrums and melt downs are not enough sleep, and/or hunger. Toddlers also  have difficulty remaining co-operative and cheerful if they are cooped up for too long indoors, or don’t have enough opportunities to expend energy in positive ways though active play and exploration. Well rested and well nourished children who have predictable daily routines that include lots of active (outdoor if possible) play each day are generally happy, healthy, well behaved children. Daily rhythms, physical activity,  good nutrition, and sleep are inter-related and interconnected. A child who spends lots of time running around outside in the fresh air will tend to have a better appetite, and sleep more soundly at night, as will a child who is not overstimulated or stressed by having to adapt to unpredictable changes in expectations or daily routines.

“RIE emphasizes the benefits of infants spending peaceful, uninterrupted time following their biological rhythms of falling asleep when sleepy and eating when hungry, rather than their having to adjust too soon to external schedules and unrealistic expectations. First, we have to let the child develop his own rhythm; and then later he can adjust more into adult life.” -Magda Gerber

 

 Of course, every child is different, and has varying needs for sleep, but toddlers generally need 10 -12 hours of sleep each night AND a 1-3 hour nap every day. It is worth the time and energy it takes to help your child establish good sleep habits early on. If your toddler doesn’t nap, don’t feel guilty about setting a kitchen timer for an hour, and putting him in his room with a few books and special (quiet) toys that are taken out only for rest time.You both need and deserve this down time, and you will find that your toddler quickly learns to look forward to, and enjoy her quiet time (almost) as much as you do.

Resources -Sleep: Ending Toddler Bedtime Battles

 

Toddlers  need to eat small amounts of nutritious food every two hours or so. Limit their intake of juice to no more than four ounces of 100 % pure, unsweetened fruit juice a day. Water will quench a toddler’s thirst far better than any other liquid, and won’t cause her to fill up on empty calories.

Your job as a parent is to offer nutritious foods at regular intervals throughout the day, and your child’s job is to decide how much he will eat. If he doesn’t eat well one day, he’ll make up for it the next, or the next. Try not to worry or engage in power struggles over food.

About “picky” eaters – who will only eat chicken nuggets or pizza, or whatever- ahem- YOU as a parent are in charge of the food you purchase, prepare and offer your child to eat. If you only provide fruits,vegetables, fish, yogurt, whole grains, and other healthy choices, this is what your child will learn to enjoy and eat. No two year old need ever know of the existence of chicken nuggets or french fries!

Resources Nutrition: Dr. Greene, White Out, Parenting To Prevent Childhood Obesity, and The Science Of Mom.

 

Try to get outside everyday-even if it’s only for fifteen minutes.(In New England, we often have winter weather that makes long periods of outdoor time almost impossible on some days.) The change of scene and fresh air are vital for your young child'(and for you!) Toddlers need lots of space to exercise their growing bodies.They also need the opportunity to burn off all their exuberant energy in a positive way. If you do nothing else, leave the stroller at home, and take a walk around your block or neighborhood- at your toddler’s pace, once every day – even in cold or rainy weather.

Resources: Outdoor Play: The Grass Stain Guru 

Are you starting to see how all of these pieces work together to support your child in developing  inner discipline? Tomorrow, I’ll talk about how to create a home environment that makes it easier for your toddler to co-operate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‎”Empathy works so well because it does not require a solution. It requires only understanding.” – John Medina

Update: This is the second post in a series of ten on gentle, effective ways to discipline young children. This post focuses on the importance of showing and expressing empathy for your child’s feelings (warmth), while setting and maintaining firm limits, and inviting your child’s participation in the task at hand. Magda Gerber said, “In the beginning  we co-operate more with the baby, and slowly, we ask  for more and more participation from them.” There is no doubt that the way we approach a child, what we say, and the way we say it has a huge impact on how our requests are received, and how willing and able our children are to co-operate.

I am going to ask you to take a moment to try and see the world the way a toddler might see it. Get down on your hands and knees, and take a look around. What do you see, what do you hear, how do you feel?

Toddlers are so small, yet they often have very big ideas and plans, but very little say over what happens to them, and when. Think about what it must feel like to be happily engaged in an activity, and then suddenly have someone tell you to hurry up, or that it’s time to stop and move on to something else. This happens quite often to a toddler throughout the day.

Toddlers are very oriented in present time and tend to become totally engrossed in whatever it is they are doing at the moment. They don’t carry around the same agendas and timetables in their heads that we do. They are not ignoring us, trying to manipulate us, or trying to drive us crazy when we call out from across the room that it is time to get dressed to go, and the only response we get is silence. They literally may not register what we are saying.

How to avoid frustration for both child and adult? Slow down, come close, get down to the child’s level, make eye contact, and take a minute to acknowledge what the child is doing. You might say, “I see you are busy building with your blocks, but in a few minutes it will be time to stop playing, put your blocks away, and get dressed.”

In another few minutes, go to her again, get down to her level, make sure you have her attention, and tell her, “It’s time to put your blocks away and get dressed now. I’ll get the bucket for the blocks. Will you help me by getting that one over there and putting it in the bucket?”

There isn’t a need to continue to repeat yourself or to become upset, because most children will co-operate readily if they are always treated in this respectful way. Again: take the time to connect with her and make sure you have her attention, acknowledge what she is doing, let her know what to expect, give her time to transition, request her participation, and involve her meaningfully in the next activity or task at hand.

These few paragraphs illustrate several of the basic tenets of respectful caregiving or parenting, and you can begin to practice communicating in this way with an infant who is just days old.

What if  your child doesn’t co-operate, even if you are consistently following the above steps? What if she cries, runs away, or refuses to participate ? It happens sometimes!

First acknowledge her feelings-” I hear you crying, and saying “No!”  It’s hard to stop playing when you’re having such a good time. You don’t want to put the blocks away and get dressed.” Full stop. Just let your words sink in, and listen while your child expresses her feelings. (Remember, listening and expressing empathy for a child’s point of view DOES NOT mean that you agree, or that you must give in- it just means allowing her to have and express her feelings, and letting her know you understand.)

In a few minutes, repeat your request. “I understand you don’t want to, but it is time to get dressed now. I will help you. What do we need to do first?”  Continue to talk her through the process and ask for her participation. You can offer choices where appropriate-“Would you like to walk to your room, or do you want me to carry you?”  No time outs, bribes, false praise, or comments on what a good or bad child she is.

If she participates in the process try saying thank you. If she doesn’t participate, acknowledge and move on. You might say something like, “This is hard for both of us right now. You don’t want to stop playing, but it is time. I will help you, and I’d like you to help me.” The more focused and calm you remain, the more likely it is your child will choose to co-operate.

If she can’t make a choice, you make one for her.

There may be times when it is helpful to back off and give a child a little space. The little boy I am caring for (now 32 months) has recently been going through a period where it has been extremely important for him to feel like he has a lot of choice in what will happen and when, even though he has a predictable daily routine, and long uninterrupted play times everyday. J. routinely and without fail balks at any transition (change from one activity to another) even if it is something like putting his shoes on to go outside, when he has asked to go out in the first place! His parents and I find  that it works best  for J. if we disengage from the struggle, and give him a few minutes to decide to come around on his own.

Here’s an example: We’re out in the back yard playing. It’s time to go inside and wash hands for dinner. J. knows this because we’ve given him a warning, but when we say it’s time to stop playing and close up the sandbox, he yells, “No, I don’t want to.” Instead of repeating the request, issuing an ultimatum, begging, cajoling, or entering into a contest of wills, which we know from experience will lead to a screaming tantrum, we tell J. that we are going to go inside, and wash our hands, and eat dinner together, and he may join us when he is ready. (Our yard is fenced in and safe, and we can see and hear J. from the kitchen windows.) Within minutes J. will call to us saying, “I ready now. I coming!” And he does. And there is much more peace at our home than there would otherwise be.

A special note about toddlers and running away: this is a favorite toddler game- it’s just plain fun for them, plus on an emotional level they want and need to know that you will come after them and find them! It is very reassuring to a newly mobile and independent child who is exploring more and more of her world outside of the safety of your arms and sight to know that you are paying attention!

So take the time to play hide and seek and chasing games any time your toddler initiates, and re-read The Run Away Bunny (by Margaret Wise Brown) with him, but be clear that you don’t want your toddler to run away when it’s time to do something together like get dressed, or walk from the car to play class.

Tomorrow: how creating consistent daily routines can help toddlers to co-operate more easily.