Tag: babies

Changing Perceptions On Changing Diapers

Diaper Changing

It seems ad executives are always dreaming up new ways to sell the same old thing; trying to capture a larger part of the market share. Diapers are big business, and it seems once parents have found a brand that works for them, they are pretty loyal to that brand, which can make it tough to convince them to try something new. I understand ad executives have got a job to do, and I don’t argue with their right to do it. A common way to sell consumers on something  is to use humor, and to try to show them how buying a certain product or service will solve a problem they are having. I understand the approach, but don’t appreciate it when babies  are perceived as the “problem,” and  the humor comes at their expense.

Huggies brand (Kimberly Clark) diapers is at it again. They are launching a new ad campaign today to sell  “Little Movers” Slip On Diapers-essentially a more absorbent “pull up” diaper, with Velcro tabs along the sides. These “new” diapers are intended to make it easier for parents to change wiggly, or active babies. It’s not the product I have a  problem with, it’s the way babies are  are referred to in the ad that I take exception to. The terms used to describe the “problem” babies? “Rolling Pins,” ” Acrobutts,”  “Streakers,” and  “Booty Scoochers.”  The ad slogan?  “Catch. Slip On. Release.”  Chris Turner, a creative director at Ogilvy,  who worked on the campaign had this to say about the slogan:

“At times, these kids can be like little wild animals and you just want to catch the little guy, quickly do your change, and then do your release. It really is just a more clever way of communicating ‘as easy as 1-2-3.’ ”

Really, Mr. Turner??? Little wild animals???  Simply  a  clever way of communicating  ‘as easy as 1-2-3.’ ??? I pity your child. I’d like to suggest to you that human babies are not little wild animals, nor are they objects, and they don’t deserve to be made the “butt” of jokes by “clever” ad executives such as yourself . Further, diapering a baby should have nothing in common with fishing at all,  as implied by the  ‘Catch and Release’ campaign tag line.

Let me suggest that the “help” parents might need transforming difficult diaper changing times into more enjoyable experiences for both adult and baby, doesn’t come from the particular diaper they buy or use, but from the  attitude and sensitivity they bring to the task at hand.

Magda Gerber had this to say about diapering:

How many times do you think a baby gets diapered? Six or seven thousand times. Why don’t we do it nicely? Why don’t we make it a learning experience? Why don’t we want a baby to enjoy being diapered? Diapering is  very important. Diapering is sometimes viewed as an unpleasant chore… a time separate from play and learning.  But in the process of diapering we should remember that we are not only doing the cleaning, we are intimately together with the child. We are all affected, negatively or positively, by cumulative experiences in our lives. One of the first such cumulative experiences is diapering, involving much of the child’s and parent’s time and energy during those first, most impressionable two to three years of the child’s life. While being diapered, the baby is close to the parent and can see her face, feel her touch, hear her voice, observe her gestures, and learn to anticipate and know her.

In How to Love a Diaper Change, Janet Lansbury gives tips for turning a diaper change into an enjoyable, connected time for baby and parent. I don’t know about you, but I think if I was a baby I’d appreciate being changed by someone who approached me with some sensitivity and respect, and saw and treated me as a person, instead of an object. I might be more able and willing to co-operate if I was included in the process, instead of having something done to me. I think babies pick up on, and respond  to our attitudes and approach to them, and if we act like we are in a rush to get through an unpleasant chore, they may respond in kind.

Won’t you join me in defending and speaking up on behalf of babies who can’t speak for themselves? What are your thoughts on Huggies newest ad campaign, and Magda Gerber’s ideas about diapering babies with respect?

Your Baby Is Speaking To You

Newborn babies communicate with us from birth, in a language all their own. Their body posture, cries, subtle changes in expression, even the reflexes they are born with, speak volumes, but it can be a little bit hard to “understand” a baby’s way of “speaking” if you haven’t spent a lot of time hanging out with them. Well,  thanks to the new book  Your Baby Is Speaking To You,  a visual guide to the amazing behaviors of your newborn and growing baby, by Doctor Kevin Nugent, with photographs by Abelardo Morell, decoding your baby’s subtle cues just might be a little easier and less perplexing. As a professional “baby watcher” I was  captivated by this absolutely gorgeous photographic exploration of what a baby’s early postures and communications convey. This is a resource that I will be adding to my recommended books, and giving often as a gift to new and expectant parents. I highly recommend this book to  professionals working with newborns and their parents, as well.

Written in a clear, accessible, non-judgmental tone, each two page spread explores a different aspect of a baby’s “language” from sleeping to crying, to eating, to yawning, and more, by juxtaposing a photograph on one side of the page, with a brief explanation illuminating the meaning on the opposite page.From the Introduction:

“Whether it is an arching of the eyebrows or a furrowing of the brow, a splaying of the fingers or a tightening of the leg muscles, these signals are the “words” or “phrases” your baby uses to communicate, the phonemes of his first language, his first words. These behavioral signals are not random: they convey messages , provide information, and tell you what kind of caregiving your baby needs to grow and develop, what he likes or prefers, and what he does not like. Your Baby Is Speaking to You, will tell you how to watch for and interpret all these signals.”

Take a peek inside the book here, but be forewarned, if you’re noise sensitive, you might want to turn the volume off first. (When I showed this clip to a friend, he commented that the “awful sound” accompanying the video detracted from the overall beauty and message being conveyed.)

 

 

Update: This article, entitled “Know Your Baby”  appeared in The Irish Times on July 26, 2011. It  is a  fascinating exploration of Dr. Kevin Nugent’s work , and philosophy. Worth the read.

 

Ouch! Baby Bites While Nursing

I had a question today from a young Mom asking if I could guide her to some information about gentle and effective ways to respond to her baby who has started biting while breastfeeding.

Kathy first posed her question on a discussion board, which led to a lively discussion with conflicting opinions about what she should do, (none of which felt quite right to her) including the suggestion that she should “flick” her baby’s nose so the baby would learn to associate the pain with the biting, and therefore be less likely to bite in the future. This prompted another participant in the forum to ask if a four month old baby was too young to learn from having her nose “flicked” and yet another to ask,  “What if the baby only bites when she’s asleep?”

 Nursing Time

I am not a lactation consultant or expert, yet I can say without hesitation that “flicking” a baby’s nose in order to cause pain, thus”teaching” her not to bite while breastfeeding, is not a gentle, respectful way to approach the situation, and I doubt that it’s very effective, anyway.

Babies are not able to take the viewpoint of another, and so don’t yet understand that their actions may cause another person pain. This understanding develops slowly over time. In my opinion, “flicking” a four month old baby’s nose to “teach” her not to bite could be considered mildly abusive.

Babies learn in the context of loving, trusting relationships with patient, caring adults. To be sure, this does not mean that a Mom should have to quietly endure her baby’s bite, as innocent or exploratory as it might be, but the solution is not to inflict pain on the baby in return.

In the case of a baby who only bites when she is asleep, the solution is simple: Remove (or unlatch) the baby from your breast  before the baby falls asleep, or as soon as you notice the baby has fallen asleep. If baby has filled her tummy, and is now drowsing off, it’s best to allow her to fall asleep without using your breast as a “pacifier”. (Very young babies may fall asleep at the breast more quickly and easily, but if they are still hungry, they will rouse with a change of position and resume vigorous nursing.)

In terms of Magda Gerber’s teachings about breastfeeding, she recognized feeding times as intimate, connected times, and also as “learning” times for babies. She urged Moms to minimize distractions, focus on baby, and pay close attention to their cues whenever or however feeding a baby – by breast, bottle, or spoon. She also encouraged Moms to separate a baby’s need for nourishment from a baby’s need or desire to suckle for comfort. For more on Magda Gerber’s approach to feeding babies in attuned, respectful ways from the very beginning, I refer you to Janet Lansbury’s wonderful, informative post,  Mindful Mouthfuls -Helping Our Babies Learn Healthy Eating.

The question remains- what are  gentle but effective ways to discourage a baby from biting while breastfeeding? I like some of the information and guidelines offered by Kelly Bonyata, BS, IBCLC  who suggests several reasons why a baby may be biting (not hungry, boredom, experimentation, teething, or asking for Mom to pay (more) attention, among others).

Depending on the age of your baby, and the  circumstances in which she is biting, there are a number of possible solutions. Kelly notes that a baby who is actively nursing is not able to bite, and also discusses ways to help Mom and baby adjust the latch when baby is not biting, but Mom is uncomfortable due to pressure from baby’s teeth.

I’d love it if any of you who have had experience with your baby biting during breastfeeding would share your thoughts or solutions with Kathy (and me) below.

 

 

 

 

 

On Crying and Fussiness

Fussy babies are either annoying or “poor little thing” depending on if they are related to you.

My friend Kaylia (proud Auntie) made this astute observation and posted it on Facebook the other day, which resulted in a number of interesting and (some) humorous comments.

It’s common and understandable that loving and caring adults (both parents and others) often react to a baby’s cries and/or fussiness in one of the above ways, depending on the circumstances. Underneath the expression of “poor little thing”, or the expression of irritation and perplexity, as the case may be, often exists the desire to soothe or “help” the baby in some way, in order to stop the crying, and make the baby feel better. But I don’t think it’s always possible or desirable to try to soothe or distract a crying or fussy baby.

My response to Kaylia’s observation:

Can’t help it. Let me offer another point of view regarding a fussy baby! When a baby is fussy or crying, I don’t think, “Annoying” OR “Poor little thing.” Instead, I wonder about what the baby might be trying to express, and I try to “listen” very closely to understand what she might be trying to say, in order to be able to respond to her in a helpful way. Sometimes there is nothing we can do to ease the fussing, and it’s just a matter of being present with a baby, and letting them know we hear them.

Little babies have feelings, and things to say, and can also have bad days,  just like us. We wouldn’t like to be responded to in a condescending or patronizing way if we were having a hard time, so why respond to a baby as if they are either completely helpless, and in need of rescuing or pity, or on the other hand, as if they are a bother because we are frustrated by not being able to understand their way of communicating, and are unable to make them stop fussing?

Maybe the best any of us can do for babies (or for each other) is to be willing to listen,  try to understand, and offer help IF we can. I wonder if parents and caregivers would feel less frustration as well, if they let go of the idea that it was somehow up to them to solve the problem for the baby, or make the baby happy?

Just some food for thought.Smile

What Does Twitter Have To Do With Babies?

Anyone who knows me knows that I have been slow to embrace social media. Until three weeks ago, I never had a facebook page for my business, and I wouldn’t even entertain the idea of jumping on the twitter bandwagon. I just couldn’t see the point.

And then something happened that changed my mind, and turned my way of thinking upside down.The organization called RIE, founded by my mentor Magda Gerber, received some attention in the press. First, there was an article in The Daily Beast, which was copied, and spread like wildfire across the Internet, and then Lisa Belkin, of the New York Times, wrote about RIE in her well known, well respected, and well read blog, The Motherlode.

I will not be supplying the links to those articles here, because I refuse to be a part of spreading the snarky, inaccurate portrayal of Magda Gerber’s philosophy as presented in those articles. If you are interested in reading a thoughtful response to those articles, I will instead refer you to Janet Lansbury’s post, RIE Parenting, A Culture Of Creativity.

The response by the general public to the original articles was largely negative, and I found myself feeling helpless, and incensed that Magda’s words and work were being so misunderstood, and presented and judged in such a negative light, because I am passionate about carrying her message of respect for babies to as many people as possible. I have witnessed the power Magda’s approach has to make a profound positive difference in the lives of not only children, but adults as well.

It occurred to me that the reason Magda’s ideas are so little known, and even less well understood, is not just because they are a little different from the accepted norm, but because they haven’t been presented to the wider world in a way that others could hear, accept, and understand. When Magda was first introducing her philosophy to parents and early childhood professionals in the United States, beginning in 1978, the Internet and social media didn’t exist. (OK, the Internet existed, but we weren’t all on-line 24 hours a day.) The first inquiries that came to Magda came in the mail, in the form of handwritten notes (can you imagine?) and she responded on a typewriter.

Some say that Magda wasn’t ambitious, and was content to let RIE grow slowly and to remain a small organization, and to some extent that was true,  yet I see evidence everywhere that she was a one woman dynamo, passionate about enrolling others in the cause of “Seeing Infants With New Eyes.” Magda maintained an impressive schedule of teaching and speaking, traveling far and wide to bring her message to parents and professionals everywhere, in addition to writing a monthly newsletter, authoring three books, producing four videos, and a yearly conference for parents and teachers, to boot. She did this with the assistance of a part-time secretary, and a troop of dedicated volunteers.

Magda was fond of saying ” the message is the messenger,” (or vice- versa) and she was the embodiment of the message she was trying to convey to others. A person could not be in her presence without feeling deeply listened to, and appreciated. I vividly remember one time when she entered a baby/parent class that I was teaching. One of the little babies was crying inconsolably. Magda approached slowly, and sat quietly near the baby, and waited. After a few minutes, she talked to the baby in a quiet voice. The baby stopped crying, and gazed into Magda’s eyes, and in a few minutes she was smiling and cooing. Babies often responded to Magda’s presence in this way. It was magical to witness, yet there was no magic involved. Magda had the ability to be truly still, and fully present with babies and grown -ups alike, and it made a difference.

I feel like today more than ever before, families and professionals working with families, need to know about, and can benefit from understanding Magda Gerber’s ideas about babies, even if they don’t agree with them, or choose another way to parent or care. Magda was never invested in having people agree with her; instead she wanted to start conversations. She wanted to encourage people to think about babies in a different way. She never espoused her way as being the one way, only way, or right way to parent or care.

It occurs to me Magda was a social media maven in her own right, before there was twitter or facebook. Imagine the number of people she could reach with her message today if she was here to engage on-line. I can’t help but believe she just might take advantage of twitter and facebook to reach a larger audience if she was here with us today.

Times change, and the way we communicate with and bring our message to others has to change with the times. And so, I am now entering the world of social media via twitter, and facebook in hopes of taking a small part in bringing Magda Gerber’s ideas to a broader audience.

Because I am a teacher at heart, I can’t help but want to share my experience and thoughts about what I have learned (so far) about using twitter effectively to bring a message to a wider audience. I’ve discovered some interesting connections between engaging in, and building relationships on-line and engaging in, and building relationships off- line. Tomorrow, I’d like to share more on that topic. I’d love it if you’d join me in the conversation.

To be continued…. http://www.bitrebels.com/geek/10-tips-to-build-meaningful-relationships-on-twitter/

Listening

The following are quotes from Joyce Maynard’s novel Labor Day about what babies know, and what they need, and how we might listen to, and be with them. I found these passages to be inspiring and wise, and wanted to share them here:

One thing he would tell me, though, he said, had to do with babies.Not that he was any kind of expert, but for a brief while, long ago, he had cared for his son, and that experienece more than any other had taught him the importance of following your instincts. Tuning in to the situation with all your five senses, and your body, not your brain.A baby cries in the night, and you go to pick him up. Maybe he’s screaming so hard his face is the color of a radish, or he’s gasping for breath, he’s got himself so worked up. What are you going to do, take a book off the shelf , and read what some expert has to say?

You lay your hand against his skin and just rub his back.Blow into his ear. Press the baby up against your own skin and walk outside with him, where the night wind will surround him, and moonlight fall on his face. Whistle, maybe.Dance. Hum. Pray.

Sometimes a cool breeze might be just what the doctor ordered. Sometimes a warm hand on the belly.Sometimes doing absolutely nothing is the best. You have to pay attention. Slow things way down. Tune out the rest of the world that doesn’t really matter. Feel what the moment calls for.

What I have found is that a baby-though she doesn’t know words yet, or information, or the rules of life- is the most reliable judge of feelings. All a baby has with which to take in the world are her five senses.

…And it has been my experience when you do this-slow down, pay attention, follow the simple instincts of love- a person is likely to respond favorably. It is generally true of babies, and most other people too, perhaps.Also dogs. Hamsters even.And people so damaged by life in the world that there might seem no hope for them, only there may be.

Take Care of Yourself

 

“As much as we want to do for and give to our children, we can’t pour into them when we’re running on empty. Every once in a while, and definitely more often than most of us do, we need to fill our own buckets. This looks different for each of us – walking, exercising, reading, writing, scrapbooking, Zumba – whatever it is, I’d encourage you to just do it! And not feel guilty about it…. Put on your own oxygen mask first! Self-care is not selfish. It simply enables you to breathe.” Tammi

KURDISTAN Flowers Nature

I always thought the Peace Corps got it wrong; theirs isn’t “the toughest job you’re ever going to love”- parenting is! The airlines, on the other hand, got it right: if you’re traveling with a child, and an oxygen mask becomes necessary, you should secure your mask before turning your attention to your child’s needs. This is good advice for parenting in general.

Take care of yourself so that you can be present for, and take care of your child. Make sure you are well nourished, and well rested. (Take naps when your child does, if you can.) Don’t feel guilty about turning off the phone and the computer at times – the phone calls and messages will wait. Lower your expectations for yourself in terms of keeping a perfectly clean home and cooking gourmet meals. (Get ye to Trader Joe’s if you’ve got one near you.)

Ask your partner to pitch in with chores and childcare (and be gracious enough to allow him or her to do things his/her own way). Hire all the help you can afford, or if you can’t afford help, trade off an afternoon of childcare with another Mom, and/or ask family or friends to help out when you need it.

Buy yourself flowers, take deep breaths often, go to the park and talk to other Moms, or join a free on-line community. You know what it is that will best nurture and sustain you, and if you don’t, you need to figure it out. Then take/make time to do whatever it is that nurtures you on a regular basis.

Who really cares if your children are wearing two different colored socks when it comes right down to it? (They may be trend setters!) You can drive yourself crazy trying to maintain some perfect standard, or you can relax, and enjoy your time with your child. You can only do so much in a day. It’s important to figure out who and what is truly important to you, and focus your energy there. No guilt allowed! “Do less,enjoy more,” was Magda Gerber’s mantra, or would have been, had she had a mantra!

When times are hard, remind yourself that whatever it is, it will pass. While I don’t agree with time out for children, I highly recommend regular time out for adults! Here are a few ways to accomplish a time out for yourself when you are feeling impatient or at your wits end:

One way is to be honest and say to your child, “Things aren’t working right now. I feel impatient and need a break.” Once you’ve said this, take a break! Place your child in a safe place with some books and toys, take a deep breath, and make a cup of tea. Though I generally don’t advocate TV for young children, if you are not adverse to the idea, NOW is the time to pop in that 30 minute Sesame Street video.

Or, you can practice a technique a fellow colleague of mine calls Stop, Drop, and Roll (with the punches). When you feel yourself starting to lose perspective, ready to cry, or yell at your child, JUST STOP.

Stop trying to do whatever you were trying to do (or encourage your toddler to do), get down on the floor with her, and play for ten minutes. You can read a story, sing a song, do some yoga poses, or best of all, quietly observe your child and enjoy her.

Remind yourself that you love her. Remind yourself that whatever it is that seems so impossible in this moment will pass in time. When you are ready, start fresh again. It may sound crazy, but I know from experience and parent testimonials- “It works! It works!”

Another idea is to take the baby and get outside in nature. A simple walk around the block can do wonders for your mood, and for your child’s.

Remember, you are your child’s first role model and teacher. If you don’t pay attention to, and make it a priority to take time to take care of yourself, how can you expect to teach your child to focus, co-operate, and participate in her own self care?

For those who are parents of babies and young toddlers, and like to read, here are two books I recommend: Mama Zen, Walking The Crooked Path of Motherhood, and  1, 2, 3 The Toddler Years, A Practical Guide For Parents and Caregivers. 

We aren’t born with the skills necessary to know how to parent our children well, and in many cases we haven’t had good role models ourselves. Even if we have had good role models, our parents may be deceased, or we may live far away from them.

It is so important for parents today to find a community, and not to live in isolation. Take advantage of every available resource open to you to gain information and support. There are free and low cost resources in every community- so you need not feel support and help are out of reach if you don’t have a lot of money.

Be good to yourself, and this will enable you to not just survive, but to thrive, and enjoy your child’s early years!

What ways you’ve found to nourish and take care of yourself as a parent? Please share!

Updated: October 2, 2012