Tag: early childhood education

Choosing Childcare For Infants and Toddlers- Essential Considerations

 

In the day-to-day give and take of good infant/toddler child care, children and their caregivers relate in a way that looks much like a dance, with the child leading, the caregiver picking up the rhythm and following. When a caregiver reads and responds to the young child’s messages with sensitivity, the child’s hunger to be understood is satisfied. The conviction that “I am someone who is paid attention to” becomes part of the infant or toddler’s identity. Doctor J. Ronald Lally

It’s a wonder I haven’t tackled the topic of what to consider when choosing childcare for infants and toddlers before because it’s one parents often ask me about. Part of the reason I tend to shy away from this subject is that I have a bias against center-based or group childcare for children under the age of three, partly because I know firsthand how woefully inadequate many programs are at truly meeting the unique needs of babies and toddlers.

  baby bentrup

As Doctor Ronald Lally of the Program For Infant Toddler Care says, “Simply put, a preschooler has already formed a pretty solid sense of identity, with definite likes, dislikes, inclinations, and attitudes, but an infant or toddler is forming his or her sense of identity. Part of what the infant gets from the caregiver is a sense of who that caregiver is; this sense is incorporated into the infant’s definition of self. The process of forming a strong positive identity should occur in a setting that offers security, protection, and intimacy. It doesn’t happen in “school”; it happens in a continuing relationship with a caregiver.”

I understand it isn’t a possibility for many families, whether due to personal choice, family structure, or financial considerations, to stay home with their babies, and/or to hire a nanny to provide in-home care until they are three years of age or so. If a family chooses or requires care outside of the home, I encourage parents to consider small home-based family childcare centers, as well as larger centers. Little River School Online wrote a very informative and helpful post describing the different options parents have when it comes to choosing childcare, outlining some of the pros and cons of the different choices, that you may want to take a look at Finding The Right Child Care Fit. Ultimately, it’s not the type of care that is as important, as it is the quality of care.

In a chapter of Your Self Confident Baby entitled How to Select the Right Child Care, Magda Gerber wrote, “Parents have often asked me if it is detrimental for a child brought up following RIE philosophy to be in a child care situation that doesn’t follow it. Not necessarily. I strongly believe good is good. Finding a kind, gentle person who pays attention to your child is the important thing. Honesty is a good quality too.”

The components that I consider essential to quality center-based infant toddler care include the following:

1) Number one, and most important in my book, is looking for caregivers or teachers who are patient, kind, good observers and listeners, and who seem to enjoy being with babies and toddlers. A professional caregiver or teacher will possibly hold a degree in early childhood development or education, and at the very least, will actively pursue ongoing personal learning and professional development opportunities. 

2) Next is primary caregiving (defined as one or two special people who care for and know your child well); and small group size. How small? Ideally,  there will be one caregiver for every three babies 15 months and younger, with a total group size of no more than eight (I prefer 6.), and one caregiver for every four toddlers 15 months to three years of age with a total group size of no more than twelve. (I prefer eight.)

3) Continuity of care is also important. This means the same caregiver(s) care for your child throughout their time at the center. There should be a predictable but flexible routine that allows for responsive and individualized care, and the environment should allow for and encourage lots of free play and exploration, choice, and autonomy, indoors and out.

4) I wish that I didn’t even have to include this next statement, but observation and experience make it necessary: Direct teaching, academics, and screen technology of any kind should have no place at all in childcare settings for babies and toddlers. Magda Gerber talked about the importance of “caregiving as the curriculum” meaning that for babies and toddlers, everything about their day is a learning opportunity. Teachers should follow the baby’s lead and meet individual needs during diapering, feeding, and sleeping times. Schedules should be flexible to accommodate individual preferences. Babies and toddlers don’t need a planned curriculum, they need responsive, attentive caregivers, who take the time to build relationships, provide predictable routines, and allow them to explore freely. 

So, how to gauge if a particular center or setting is the right one for you and your child?

1) Start by defining what is most important to you, and ask friends and other parents to share their recommendations and experiences. Take a look at these guides from the National Association For The Education of Young Children that give tips on what to look for in a quality infant or toddler program.

2) Do an online search to find local centers, and spend some time looking at their websites. Your local resource and referral center may be a good place to start.

3) Don’t skip this step! Call and visit each center you are considering, and spend time observing the teachers who will care for your child. If possible, visit at least once on your own and then again with your child. Ask lots of questions (mostly of the director, as teachers will be focused on the children in their care).

4) Most importantly, pay attention to your gut reactions as you observe, because if it doesn’t “feel right” to you for any reason, it probably isn’t! 

Beyond basic health and safety considerations, here are some things other parents have said were important to them:

“Enough time to accompany your child in the transition time. Enough outdoor time regardless of the weather. In the end, you must like it and trust the teachers, so your child can feel safe and happy there.”

“I know that I am looking for the following qualities: a “non-academic” play-based place, staffed by caring, positive-minded, joyful people who aim to raise kids with intrinsic motivation and who don’t “Good job!” everything to death. People who believe in firm, clear boundaries and who don’t socialize kids to perform and to please. Most importantly, people who believe that there is no right or wrong way to play. A no-media environment, healthy organic foods, outdoor space, and use of non-toxic home products and cleaning materials and I would be one very, very happy lady! I am finding that these things are not exactly easy to find!”

“Outdoor space and an absence of flashcards, or drill-kill-type activities would be wonderful, too. I would also look for a place that has routines and structures in place with plenty of time for free exploration and play during the day. Racial and cultural diversity is also important. Perhaps I am too selective?” (Not at all!)

“I would say to look for rooms that are set up to encourage independent exploration. Look for teachers who are not hovering, yet are available, helpful, and compassionate”

“Look for a place that will let you sit in a corner and observe – it’s the little parts of the day that make the whole. Look for respect in how the teachers treat the children, listen to how they speak to them, and watch for lots of creative, open-ended play. Make sure to ask the staff what they believe about children – their answers will speak volumes!”

“Good ratios (number of adults per child), experienced respectful teachers, lots of open-ended play objects, daily outdoor time, hands-on activities offered daily. Trust your gut. If it doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t right for you.”

“Priority on time outside in all weather, gender non-specific toys, lack of branded toys, plenty of books in good shape. Clean, welcoming space that your child finds inviting and understands. Caregivers who care for themselves, communicate clearly. A routine (not necessarily a schedule) that allows for both structured and unstructured time. Consistent adults with current vaccinations and background checks. Healthy food, shared in community. Clear professional policies.”

A good center will be licensed and may be accredited by the National Association for The Education of Young Children  (NAEYC) or another accrediting organization (although this alone does not guarantee quality), will have a clear, written philosophy of care, an open door policy (meaning parents are welcome and encouraged to visit and observe at any time), and will strive for, and put a priority on open daily written and verbal communication between caregiver/center and home.

Many quality programs include a parent education and support component which may include daily or weekly notes and/or observations regarding your child, monthly newsletters, a lending library, monthly parent meetings, social gatherings such as potlucks or community work days, monthly adult-only meetings on “hot” parenting topics, parent/infant classes, home visits from teachers, meetings with teachers and/or directors to discuss a child’s development and progress and answer parent questions, a parent handbook, a Facebook page or website with a blog and/or community board, and more. There must be two-way communication between the family and caregiver/center. Quality programs will offer their teachers and staff ongoing professional education and support opportunities, as well.

The books Your Self Confident Baby, and One, Two, Three The Toddler Years both have chapters that distill the most important tips and considerations for parents searching for the right care for their baby or toddler. It’s not an easy task, but it is possible to find care for your baby that feels good and works for your family, and it’s worth it to start early and do your research to find the best fit.

 

One last note: I strongly urge parents, teachers, caregivers, or anyone who cares about infants and toddlers to become an advocate for quality family services, policies, and childcare. All families and all babies and toddlers deserve access to quality and affordable services and support. An easy way to become informed and active is to join a group such as For Our Babies, which is a nonprofit organization started by Ronald Lally and Peter Mangione which advocates for quality childcare and:

1) Prenatal health care coverage for all families, regardless of income, including home-based support and counseling during pregnancy.

2) Affordable intervention services for at-risk pregnancies.

3) Paid leave for parents for the first nine months of their child’s life.

4) Affordable visits to the homes of all newborns for the first two years that include guidance by professionals trained in parenting and healthy development, along with counseling on early emotional, social, intellectual, linguistic, and perceptual/motor development.

5) Affordable developmental screenings to identify physical and behavioral needs, with referral to affordable help when needed.

6) Affordable services for children with identified special needs.

Check it out today!

I hope that this post will be helpful to you in thinking about your options, and defining what is most important when choosing care for your baby or toddler. Further, I invite you to share your questions, experiences, and tips with others if you’ve been through this process in the comment section below.

 

 

Does Your Toddler’s Desire to Climb Make YOU Want to Climb The Walls?

“Help! My toddler has discovered climbing and tries to climb everything — chairs, tables, gates, bookcases. I am constantly telling him no and pulling him down from things. When we’re at someone else’s house it’s hard to enjoy myself because I’m always chasing him. What can I do to get him to stop? Or is climbing a good thing?” When and where is it appropriate to allow babies and toddlers to climb? Should they be allowed to climb on furniture or in the shopping cart areas of store parking lots because they want to and they are capable of doing so?

IMG_1152

 

Many children go through a stage of wanting to climb on everything, and some never seem to outgrow the desire to climb! Children develop their self confidence, balance, judgement, planning skills, eye/hand coordination, perseverance, and more as they climb and move their bodies through space, so why not let them climb anywhere and everywhere they choose to? You might be surprised to hear that I discourage allowing young children to climb on furniture, (or in public places like store parking lots that aren’t designed for this purpose), and my reason for doing so doesn’t have as much to do with safety concerns (although safety is a consideration), as it does with the fact that furniture is not made for climbing on, and while I encourage and support children to move, explore, and play freely, I also feel strongly about guiding young children to learn to respect not only themselves, but other people, and their environment. The reality is that we live in relationship and community with others, and children first learn about expectations, boundaries, and social mores at home with parents and siblings. I think babies and toddlers are able to understand that there are places and times appropriate for climbing, and others that aren’t, and a child’s desire (and maybe even need) to climb and explore can be met even as loving adults guide him to appropriate places to practice and hone his physical skills.

I once worked  in a childcare center as a member of a teaching team of three, caring for a group of seven infants and toddlers ranging in age from three to fifteen months. A frequent topic of conversation during our weekly planning meetings was how to utilize our classroom space to best meet the developmental needs of the group. We were lucky to have access to a number of  movable pieces of wooden climbing equipment, and a twin sized mattress, so the possibilities for creative and challenging room arrangements were many. We also had access to a fenced, grassy, shaded play yard with climbing equipment suitable for mobile babies and young toddlers.

We had a wide open floor plan, with floor to ceiling windows against one wall, a separate nap room, a designated area for diaper changing and a small kitchen area with a linoleum floor and a toddler sized table and chairs. There was a rocking chair for adults to sit in while feeding babies a bottle. One of the most frustrating aspects (for children and adults) of this floor plan was that while we endeavored to create an environment that allowed the children to play and explore freely, we often found ourselves having to stop inquisitive and eager new explorers from climbing over the non-mobile babies, or on the table or the rocking chair, or from trying to scale the low wooden toy shelves. The children often made no distinction between the “approved” climbing equipment, and the other babies or the utilitarian pieces of furniture in the room, and in fact, sometimes seemed to prefer the furniture for climbing.

My colleagues argued that we should patiently and consistently let children know that other children, the table, chairs, and the rocking chair weren’t for climbing, which meant stopping them and showing them where they could climb instead. If a child was particularly persistent, and not easily redirected we resorted to “containing” him  for a short while by sitting him in a chair at the table with a book or a few toys, or maybe by taking him and a few friends for a walk outside in the stroller. In theory, this sounded like a good idea, but in practice, we ended up spending a lot of our day redirecting babies and saying no, which was frustrating for them and for us, especially since there was usually only two adults in the room at a time, and one of us would inevitably be busy changing, feeding, or helping a baby in the nap room, while the other supervised the remaining children.

climbing steps

 

I had a nagging discomfort, a feeling that somehow we weren’t meeting the needs of the children very well, because (my rationale went) if they were so driven to climb, we either needed to provide an environment that met and allowed for that need without us having to constantly redirect them, or maybe we should let them climb wherever they wanted to, and not restrict them (except for when it came to climbing over other babies). After all, with the exception of the glider, which could potentially tip over if a toddler stood up on it, none of the furniture posed a very big safety risk. My colleagues maintained that it was important for the babies to learn that some places were for climbing, and others weren’t. I didn’t know if I agreed if it meant spending my day “putting out fires” and  redirecting babies to other areas of the room, or somehow confining them.

In the midst of my search for answers to this dilemma, I was introduced to Magda Gerber’s idea of creating a totally safe, but challenging, play environment for babies in which they are free to explore and move as they wish without a lot of interference or direction from adults. This seemed like an impossible task to accomplish given our floor plan and the fact that we were caring for seven babies of varying ages and developmental abilities in the same room. Much to my surprise, there was a simple answer to our dilemma, and that was to use sturdy gates to create very clear environmental boundaries for babies. The other solution was to stop rearranging and re-configuring the room on a weekly basis as we had been doing- the theory being that the babies didn’t need novelty as much as they needed consistency and predictability.

We decided to try this idea, using gates to partition the room into four distinct areas- one for feeding, another for diaper changing, a small play area for non-mobile infants, with the largest part of the room becoming a play and climbing area for mobile babies and toddlers, with a cozy quiet nook under the climbing structure. The “creation” of distinct areas for certain tasks immediately reduced the need for adult intervention and redirection by about 90%. It was clear to the children what the purpose of each area was, and despite the gates, which had to be opened and closed by the adults, the children actually had more freedom and choice than they had enjoyed previously.

This was the beginning of my understanding of how to “use” or adapt the home or school environment to create safety and freedom within clearly defined limits. So, how might this lesson translate in a home and family environment if you’ve got a little climber on your hands, and you want to encourage and support her growing physical prowess and mastery? What can you do to allow her to exercise her desire to test her limits, while also helping her to learn to exercise some self control, learn social graces, and to utilize furniture for its intended purpose as opposed to using furniture as her personal climbing gym? Here are some ideas:

 

Two Ideas For Creating Inexpensive Outdoor Climbing Opportunities In A Small Space

 

1) Childproof and use gates in your home and yard to block off areas or rooms that are off limits unless you are able to be present and available to intervene and model desired and expected behavior. If you are able to, consider dedicating a room or part of a room to creating a completely safe play area, and start spending time with your baby in this play space from day one.This space can evolve as your child grows and her needs change. If you’ve got stairs in your home, use them to allow your child to practice climbing. Do this by using a sturdy gate to block off all but one or two stairs, and then gradually increase the number of stairs she has access to as she becomes more confident.

2) Within the environment you have created, allow your child free, unrestricted movement. Stay nearby to observe, but don’t put babies into positions (or lift them onto equipment) they can’t get into by themselves. In this way, they will develop good judgment about what they can and can’t safely do. Surprisingly, a recent news article pointed to the fact that a common playground injury (a tibia fracture) often occurs when parents slide down playground slides with their toddlers on their laps! Magda Gerber urged parents to allow babies to move in their own time and their own way, according to their inner dictates,”Whenever you restrict an infant from doing what he could and would do naturally, in my mind you tell the child, “I know what’s good for you.” But you, the adult, do not know. For example, most children (not all), when they first go down stairs, go head first-they like to see where they go. Some people say it’s safer for infants to crawl down stairs backwards, and they teach infants how to go down that way. The child may become confused because his body tells him one thing and the adult another, and then the child may fall.”

Climbing Sunshine Mountain

3) Consider adding a few simple pieces of play equipment to your indoor space that are appropriate for, and invite climbing. This can be especially important and helpful if you live in a small home and don’t have easy access to a yard, or if you live in climates that make outdoor play prohibitive at times. Here are some suggestions for climbing equipment that is sturdy but easy to move, and can be used indoors or out: I recommend the Step 2 Naturally Playful Lookout Treehouse and Community Playthings Step Climber/Rocking Boat. (You can often find perfectly good, used equipment at garage sales for a fraction of the price of new.) Here is a link to a site that sells child size table and chairs, and climbing equipment like the kind we utilize in RIE parent/infant classes.

4) Spend lots of time outdoors, at playgrounds or parks. Let your children climb rocks, trees, slides, monkey bars, and hills to their heart’s content. If the weather prohibits this, consider finding and using an indoor children’s gym or play area that has free play time. (I’d recommend avoiding organized movement classes or directed play until children are well past the preschool age.)

5) Remain calm and consistent when setting limits with your young toddler around climbing. “You want to climb on the table, but I don’t want you to climb here. The table is where we sit to eat. If you want to climb, you may climb here (showing him).”

What do you think? Do you allow your child to climb on furniture at home? Why or why not? If not, what have you found works to help satisfy your child’s desire to explore his desire to climb?

 

 

 

 

Mind In The Making: Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs

What can we do to keep the fire in our children’s eyes burning brightly? How can families and teachers give children the life skills they need to cope in our multi-tasking, multimedia, modern world? These are the central questions Ellen Galinsky explores in the book, Mind In The Making: Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs.

 

 

I had read Mind In The Making shortly after it was published in 2010, and was avidly following Amanda Morgan’s (Not Just Cute) series of “read along” posts delving deeply into the contents of the book, so I was thrilled to have the opportunity to meet Ellen during a recent talk she gave about the book. Ellen introduced Mind In The Making as an “accidental book”- one that took over ten years to write. She explained, “I didn’t set out to write a book. I started with the idea of doing a study on Youth and Learning. But- “In the course of interviewing young people (from many different backgrounds) for the study, I found far too many of them were turned off by learning, which is in stark contrast to very young children, who are driven to learn. I postponed the study on Youth & Learning and began a journey to answer the following questions: 1) How do children learn best? 2) What makes them stay motivated and engaged in learning? 3) What makes them see themselves as learners, and how do they become ongoing, life-long learners? 4) What can be done to rekindle their motivation if it has been dulled?”

Ellen then decided to make a documentary exploring the best science on children’s learning. But, after a few months of interviewing researchers and working with a production company to film experiments, the documentary grew to become a series. Four to five years later, after examining research across many disciplines, Ellen said she began to see a certain set of skills that emerge in all children who are motivated, engaged learners. She could also see, from looking at longitudinal research, that if parents and teachers promoted these skills, it made a critical difference, and helped children to thrive throughout their lives, which is why she defined the seven skills she identified as life skills. She quipped, “Everyone does something. Some people kayak, and others climb mountains for adventure. I follow research and call it adventure.” My kind of lady!

Ellen Galinsky

All seven of the skills Ellen identified involve what scientists call executive functions of the brain. (Executive functions all involve the prefrontal cortex of the brain, and we use them to manage our attention, our emotions, and our behavior in order to reach our goals. They aren’t just intellectual skills (what we typically think of as IQ), but also encompass social and emotional capacities, and “go beyond what we know, to tap into how we use what we know.” The seven life skills are as follows:

  • Focus and Self Control
  • Perspective Taking
  • Communicating
  • Making Connections
  • Critical Thinking
  • Taking On Challenges
  • Self Directed, Engaged Learning

Ellen went on to explain that she wanted to write a book that would bring the research alive in an interesting and engaging way, and not guilt parents, but instead, be hopeful and help them to see how they could nurture their children’s development of  these seven life skills through everyday interactions and activities. I’d say she succeeded brilliantly in her goal.

She stressed that these skills are as important for adults as they are for children, and that when we practice them ourselves (modeling), we help promote them in children. “We don’t need expensive programs, materials, or equipment to promote these skills- they can be promoted through the everyday things we do with children, and it’s never too late to help children learn these skills- no matter what their age.” During her talk she used video clips to introduce various researchers and bring the research alive, by bringing us into the lab to watch experiments in action, and in the book, she shares numerous examples that translate the research into “real life” situations. She provides a parent’s perspective, and shares some of her own experiences and lessons she learned from parenting her two (now grown) children. She also offers short experiential exercises for adults, and many suggestions for enjoyable and easy ways for parents and teachers to encourage and support children in developing the seven life skills- through the conversations we have, the games we play, the routines and rituals we develop, and even through the difficulties and disagreements that naturally occur between siblings or between parents and children. (Sibling relationships provide fertile ground for helping children to develop their skills in perspective taking or “understanding the other”, communication, and problem solving!)

There was a group of early childhood educators seated behind me in the auditorium, and I had to grin when one of them couldn’t contain an enthusiastic, “Uh huh! What took them so long to figure that out?”,  as Ellen underscored the point that young children learn and solidify focus and self control through active movement of their bodies. What is often very obvious and “known”  to those of us who care for, teach, and observe young children on a daily basis is just now being studied, understood, and quantified by researchers.

What was exciting to me as I was reading the book and listening to Ellen speak, is what the researchers are now discovering about babies and toddlers and how they learn. Most people don’t think to pair the word “competent” with  infants, yet, they are competent to begin participating in relationship and learning from their first moments, and the research provides some striking examples of ways we can support even the youngest and most fragile of babies to begin to develop the skills they will need and use for life. I am especially interested in making connections between the current research and my practice of Magda Gerber’s philosophy of educaring (educaring = teaching  while caring).

 

premature baby
Particularly fascinating to me, and what I want to highlight in this post and the next, is Heidelise Als’s (of Harvard University) research with preterm infants (born ten to twelve weeks before their due date) in neonatal intensive care units. Als’s work points to the tremendous competence and resilience even the most fragile baby is born with. Ellen shares in her book that her son Philip was born premature, so Als’s research was of particular interest to her, as well. Ellen believes Als’s work has important implications for all children, because it is instructive in how we can work with children to help them to thrive and cope in the face of challenges, becoming stronger in the process.

This short video clip provides a brief interview with Als, highlights how her ideas are benefiting some premature infants, and suggests why her findings might be helpful to all of us interested in helping children to develop their inborn abilities  to take on challenges and cope with stress. I invite you to take a moment to watch.

In my next post, I will share more about Als’s discoveries and approach, which she describes as a developmental, relationship based, respectful way to support even the youngest infants to manage their own stress, by encouraging them “to use the abilities that they are born with for coping and calming down.”

I’ll leave you with this quote from Als, which is where I begin my next post….

“If we can understand the ‘words’ the baby is saying, maybe we can fill in the meaning of the sentence and understand the message.”

 

 

Parenting Is A Journey -Sign Posts to Guide You

Janis Keyser, author of Becoming The Parent You Want To Be, opened her talk Parenting Is A Journey by sharing that Laura Davis, who is the  co-author of the book, lobbied hard for titling the book Become The Parent You Want To Be. Janis argued that they couldn’t name the book Become The Parent You Want To Be because “no one will ever do it.” She explained,  “It’s impossible to become the parent you want to be, because parenting is a process, one that you approach day by day.  It’s about becoming.” She noted that there really is no easy way to prepare to be a parent. “You can care for or teach other people’s children, but the real “training” comes once you become a parent. It’s on the job training, when you are sleep deprived and there is no time.” And if you are a parent to more than one child, “each child asks of you to be a different parent.”

 

Let Go of Perfection 

Perfection is not the goal. It’s about letting go of perfection, and being with what is. “Children give us a second chance to see the world with fresh eyes.”

“Perfect parents are not useful for children, because perfect parents don’t model how you make a mistake, and what you do next.” “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. I made a mistake. I will try to do that in a different way the next time.”  Children think adults are so competent. They think you know everything. What a wonderful example you set when you model for them: “You can be as big and as competent as I am, and still be learning.”

 

Define Values

“HERE is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin. It is, as far as he knows, the only way of coming downstairs, but sometimes he feels that there really is another way, if only he could stop bumping for a moment and think of it.” A.A. Milne

 

Janis said this scene from a Winnie The Pooh story is a good analogy for parenting. You go bumping along from day to day doing the best you can. It may be the only way you know, but sometimes you may have an inking that there might be another way, if only you had a moment to stop and think about it! Learning about, and understanding how your child develops can help you, as can taking time to reflect on the values you want to teach. Take the time to stop for a moment and consider how you’d answer these two questions (we did this exercise in the workshop):

1) Imagine your your child as a twenty year old. If you asked him to complete the following sentence what would you want him to say? (Try to think of five things you’d want him to say he learned.) In my family I learned:

2) Now, can you think of one example, or one way that you transmitted one of these values to your child this week?

It can also be helpful to reflect upon what you learned in your family, and to ask yourself if these are values you want to pass on to your children. Often times, you may find you unconsciously parent exactly like your parents or exactly the opposite of your parents. You may find that you share similar values, but have a different way of teaching them. Janis, who is the mother of three, stepmother to five, and grandmother to many children, was reminded of this one day when her late husband said to her, “You can send your mother home now,” but her mother wasn’t visiting. Her husband’s words made Janis realize she was acting like her mother in a particular instance.

Our children learn from every single interaction they have with us, even the hard ones. We are always sending messages, both implicit and explicit through every exchange we have with our children. It’s not just our tone of voice and what we say that conveys our values, but also what we do, and the spirit in which we do it. To illustrate this point, Janis told a story about one of her daughters who had been going through an extended period of experiencing intense temper tantrums. Janis was feeling like nothing she was doing was helping her daughter. One day, in frustration, she asked her daughter what she could do to help her, because she didn’t know. Her daughter thought about it for a moment and said, “What you already do. Hold me. Keep me safe. Stay until I’m done. Listen to me.” Janis realized then that her daughter was getting the message she wanted to send, even though she was still struggling.

Janis’s four year old son once had a fascination with guns, and one day he constructed a toy gun out of legos, and came to show her. His explanation to her was that the gun he made shot the guns out of the bad guys’ hands and made them peaceful. At the age of four, her son understood that if he was going to talk with Janis about guns, the conversation somehow had to include peace.

Another time, her thirteen year old daughter wanted to attend a movie that Janis wasn’t sure was appropriate. As Janis was debating whether or not to let her daughter go to the movie, she suggested maybe she would go to the movie with her daughter. Her daughter”s response? “Mom you  don’t need to go to the movie with me. Your voice is already in my head!”

 

Walk together
On the Journey Together

 

Share Values Through Relationship

We tell our children what it is they can talk about through opening up the conversation, not through correcting, but through listening, and through sharing our own feelings. If we don’t talk about and share our feelings, then children learn not to talk about feelings. Janis talked about being a “champion crier” as a small child, yet as she grew up she internalized the message “Big girls don’t cry.” She was never told to stop crying, and  her mother sometimes cried, but when her mother cried it was always clear that she was disappointed in herself . To this day, when Janis’s mother calls to talk with her, Janis is always “Fine!” (said with a great big smile), no matter how she feels or what is happening in her life.

We can show interest in our children’s experience, by trying to understand the thinking behind their thinking. “Tell me more.” “How do you think that happens?” The conversation between parent and child is ideally a give and take. When a Mom takes the time to slow down and share in her child’s fascination with watching a catepillar, this is seemingly a small gesture, but here are some of the messages the child might receive in that moment: “Simple shared moments can bring joy.” “What I notice is important.” ” What I am motivated by is interesting to those who love me.” “Sharing a discovery is even better than making a discovery on my own.” “I can learn more through patient observation than by quickly moving on.”

 

Understand Development and Embrace the Struggle

“There are a few things you can’t make a child do. You can’t make them eat, sleep, or poop on the potty. What you can do is set up the context, create the space, and provide rhythm, and predictability.”

Discipline is one of the greatest gifts we can give children. Boundaries can be created in a respectful and honoring way. “The reason children are given parents is so they can set limits because children don’t always have the experience to make all the best decisions at the moment.” They can learn to make good choices in time, with practice, and within the safe parameters parents provide. The key to setting a limit respectfully is to ask yourself  “What is the good idea that my child has? What is she trying to express, and how can I help her to figure out how to express this idea in a positive way?” For instance, a child who is biting may be trying to express, “I’m teething, it hurts, and it feels really good to chomp on your arm.” Or maybe it’s, “I really want the toy you have in your hand.” Or maybe it’s, “I feel crowded when you get too close.” Or maybe it’s even, “I love you so much, I could just bite you!”

Acknowledge the good idea (what the child is trying to express). “You are feeling crowded. You want some space.” Give information: “You may move away,  or tell Emily to stop if she’s coming too close.” Create safety using both physical and verbal boundaries: “I am here to help you and to keep everyone safe.” Place a hand between two children to prevent a bite. In the case of a child who is biting because of feeling crowded, maybe you stay close to provide narration, or set up a private, quiet space the child can retreat to, or maybe you avoid attending group events  for a time. Give redirection and choices: “I can’t let you bite Emily, but you may bite one of these teething toys if you need to bite.” Acknowledge progress:”You were feeling frustrated when Emily got too close today, but you didn’t bite! You moved away!”  Give the message, “I know you are learning and growing into a person who can express feelings and get your needs without hurting anyone.”

Redefine your role as a coach or facilitator. Honor the process, the struggle, the frustration. “What would it be like if your child was in the middle of a struggle and you were her cheerleader? Ask yourself if there is a way to help your child have a positive, deeply healthy relationship to their struggle, to their feelings, to ALL of them, not just the happy ones.” With your guidance, and modeling, your child can learn to move through feelings to find accomplishment on the other side, and “the next 100,000 times a struggle presents itself, they will have this experience to draw upon.”

In this post, I’ve shared the highlights of Janis Keyser’s April 24th,2012, talk, Parenting Is A Journey, given at The Third Place in Los Altos, California. Janis is a teacher, parent educator, program director and speaker who specializes in Early Childhood Development. She taught for 30 years in the Early Childhood Education Department at Cabrillo College and has been conducting workshops for parents and teachers for over 35 years. She is a nationally recognized speaker at parenting, family and child development conferences. She lives in Santa Cruz, California and is the mother of three, stepmother of five, and grandmother of many.

 

 

 

 

 

A Love Letter

Heart In Hand
It was February 1998, when I attended a conference held by the New England Association for the Education of Young Children in Boston; the first ever focusing entirely on infant/toddler care and development. At the time I was an Infant Teacher at an employee-sponsored childcare center in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Diana Suskind, RIE Associate and professor at Fitchburg State College in Massachusetts, presented one of the workshops I was fortunate to participate in. Diana’s interactive workshop was an introduction to Magda Gerber’s Basic Principles as they applied in group care settings.What an eye opening experience this was for me!

Magda’s first book, Your Self Confident Baby, had recently been published and I went right out and purchased a copy and read it cover to cover that night. I couldn’t wait to get to work on Monday to introduce the book to my director and fellow teachers, and share with them what I was beginning to learn about respectful infant care. I hadn’t been so excited about going to work in a long time. I had been struggling with my conscience, feeling that despite having obtained a degree in Early Childhood Education, and despite years of caring for young children, I wasn’t truly giving the infants entrusted to me the best care possible. Something seemed to be missing, and I was often frustrated because I had no words to adequately express (even to myself) what this elusive”missing piece” was. That changed after reading Magda’s book. (Thank you Magda, for opening my eyes to a new way of seeing!)

Coincidentally (or not) on Tuesday of the following week, our center received a notice that a RIE 1 Intensive Training (Theory and Observation) was scheduled to occur in South Carolina in early April. My director approved my request to attend the training, along with that of another co-worker who was as excited as I was about learning more about Magda’s respectful way of being with and caring for babies.

I knew before I left South Carolina that where I wanted and needed to be next was in Silver Lake, California, the home of RIE. I wanted to learn to implement the philosophy through participating in Parent/Infant classes as a demonstrator (RIE 11). I returned to Boston determined to set this process in motion, even though my family and some of my friends believed I was “tilting at windmills” once again.

And so, that’s how I came to pack away and sell most of my belongings, leave my home, my friends, my boyfriend of two years, and a well paid, secure teaching position to come live at 1550 Murray Circle, as RIE’s newest resident intern. I drove 3,000 miles across the country with only a few clothes and books and my Kali-kitty in tow, and arrived in August 1998.

 

RIE Class- Would You Like to Join Me For Snack?

I came because I couldn’t silence the small voice that whispered “Somehow, you must continue on this path and find a way to share what you learn with others.” Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine the depths to which my work at RIE would take me. It’s been a wonderful roller coaster of a ride- at different times joyful, scary, lonely, frustrating, exasperating, exciting, enlightening, challenging, satisfying, a labor of love, and always instructive on a deep soul level.

Yes, I honed my observation skills, and learned to prepare a safe, challenging play environment, and then to step back and allow the babies to lead the way, but the lessons went much deeper as I was gently (or not so gently) brought back to the awareness of, and need to examine myself.

I’ve often heard RIE 1 students comment, “I didn’t know RIE would be like therapy,” or parents say, “I didn’t know these classes would be about me!” In my quest to become a more sensitive attuned caregiver for babies I found I could only be as patient, accepting, and respectful with the children, parents, and other RIE students I encountered as I could be with myself. What a revelation!

And so, to Magda who leads by her example and who is the very embodiment of the principles she teaches, and to all of you who give so generously of your time and talents to RIE, to each of the RIE 1, 11, and 111 students I’ve worked with and assisted, and most of all to all of you who came and brought your most precious little ones to Parent/Infant Classes and opened the doors of your hearts and homes to me, I thank you. You have been my most important teachers. You are my hope, my joy, my inspiration, and the reason I refuse to give up the struggle when I am tired, and progress seems slow.

Bence , Me, and Magda

Magda, it is because of your example, and because of your quiet acceptance and trust in my learning process, through which I’ve sometimes stumbled and bumbled, that I’m beginning to learn to honor, respect, and trust in the unique pace and unfolding of each child and adult I meet. You’ve taught me the value of honoring the questions above having all the right answers. You’ve led me to examine the most hurt, stuck, judgmental places within myself, thus encouraging healing. Through this process, and my relationship with you, I am learning to accept myself as a perfectly imperfect human being, and at the same time, to become more accepting of the perfect imperfectness of life. These have been the true lessons and gifts of my time at RIE, the ones I will not forget, and will take with me in my heart.

With Love and Respect,

Lisa

Note: I wrote this letter upon completing the three part training (a process that took two years) to become a RIE Associate. This letter was originally published in Educaring, Volume 20, No. 5, Winter 2000. At the time, my plan was to return to Massachusetts to begin teaching Parent/Infant Classes in Cambridge. As it turned out, I ended up staying in California for another six years teaching and practicing RIE in a variety of settings, before moving back to Massachusetts and founding Regarding Baby. My relationship with Magda Gerber and my ongoing practice of RIE has led to profound meaning and joy in both my professional and personal life. My best friend, who happens to be Magda’s son, Bence Gerber (he teases that he’s my “other greatest love” – my work being the first), and I will be married this coming November, 2012. Magda passed from this life on April 27, 2007, and not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. Bence and I are working on an interactive book to honor Magda and preserve her original words and teachings. If Magda touched your life in some way, please share your memories at Magda Gerber, Seeing Babies With New Eyes.

8 Ways To Go “Commercial Free” and Give Play Back to Babies

On February 15, 2012, I had the pleasure of (finally) meeting Susan Linn (and her puppet Audrey), at The Third Place  in Los Altos, California. Susan began her talk, The Case For Make Believe, by sharing a bit about how she came to be “an activist and advocate for the rights and freedoms of children to play and to grow up without being undermined by the greed of corporations.”

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Susan Linn with Audrey

Dr. Linn is also an award winning ventriloquist and puppeteer who once performed on  Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, an instructor in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, and co-founder and director of the small but mighty Boston based advocacy group, Campaign For A Commercial-Free Childhood, or CCFC for short. (I refer to CCFC as the little organization whose roar Disney couldn’t ignore. More about that in a minute.) Susan Linn has written two books I have read and highly recommend: The Case for Make Believe:Saving Play in a Commercialized World, and Consuming Kids: The Hostile Takeover of Childhood.

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During her talk, Susan explored three main questions: Why do children need to play? How is technology and media influencing their play? And what can we do about it? She began by explaining, “Play is the foundation upon which children build critical thinking skills, creativity, self regulation, delayed gratification, follow through, and the ability to wrestle with life and make it meaningful.”

“Losing — or never acquiring — the ability to play may not sound like much until you realize that play is both the foundation of learning and essential to mental health. Initiative, curiosity, active exploration, problem solving and creativity are capacities that develop through play, as are the more ephemeral qualities of self-reflection, empathy, and the ability to find meaning in life.”

We know that babies are born with an intrinsic drive and ability to participate in relationships, to learn, and to actively engage in understanding their world and the people in it through their own exploration and play. There is an impressive and ever growing body of research that supports the belief that in the first years of life, beginning at birth, optimal intellectual, social and emotional development occurs through a baby’s direct engagement with his world and the people in it. Dr. Linn said, “As human beings, we need to make meaning of things, and we do this through play.” (Magda Gerber developed the basic principles of Resources For Infant Educarers (RIE) on exactly these beliefs.)

Toes!

Susan continued, “It would seem that as a society, we are doing everything in our power to discourage or undermine children’s play. Witness: academics in preschool,”teaching to the test”,  art, music, drama, and physical education programs disappearing from our schools, recess being cut, over scheduled children, free play being replaced by organized sports and formal lessons, outdoor play disappearing due to fear (stranger danger), and the ubiquitous and widespread use of screen media (A Vinci Touchscreen Mobile Learning Tablet for babies, anyone?) beginning in infancy.”

One of CCFC’s goals is to stop companies from luring babies to screens by making unfounded claims that their products are educational. CCFC encourages parents to follow the American Academy of Pediatrics’ recommendation to keep babies and toddlers under the age of two away from screen media.

Whether you choose to allow your baby to watch TV or not, Susan Linn believes you, as a parent, have the following rights:

  • a right to decide when to introduce your children to screen media.
  • a right to accurate information about the pros and cons of that choice.
  • a right to raise children without being undermined by commercial interests.

Which brings us to Baby Einstein and Disney. As reported in the New York Times, “Baby Einstein, founded in 1997, was one of the earliest players in what has become a huge electronic media market for babies and toddlers. Acquired by Disney in 2001, the company expanded to a full line of books, toys, flashcards and apparel, along with DVDs including “Baby Mozart,” “Baby Shakespeare” and “Baby Galileo.”

By targeting babies, companies are marketing not just products but lifelong habits, values and behaviors — hardwiring dependence on media before babies even have a chance to grow and develop and removing them further and further from the very experiences that are essential for healthy development. Susan Linn

CCFC  filed a complaint with the U.S. Federal Trade Commission against Disney and Brainy Baby for false and deceptive marketing of baby media in 2006. In response, Disney offered refunds of $15.99 for up to four “Baby Einstein” DVDs per household, purchased between June 5, 2004, and Sept. 5, 2009, and returned to the company. Although the company admitted no wrong doing, the New York Times said “the unusual refunds appear to be a tacit admission that they did not increase infant intellect.”

For a simple demonstration of how children’s creative play may be influenced and truncated by rampant commercialization and early exposure to screens, I invite you to  participate in the following brief play exercise. (Susan Linn did a similar demonstration during the talk I attended.)

Interesting to note: When I showed this video clip to 36 month old J. (without the sound and without any prompting questions), when he saw the first toy he said, “Hey, that’s a froggy. A Daddy froggy who says ‘Ribbit  Ribbit’, and I play with him.” When he saw the second toy, he said, “I ride him. He’s a horsie who says ‘Neigh’, and he chomps!” When, he saw the third he said, “Hey, that’s Elmo, but why he’s not singing ‘La La La, La, La, La’?”

Susan asserts, “The best toys are 10% toy and 90% child. This means the toy just lies there until the child picks it up and makes it do something. And yet, the best selling toys are 5% child, and 95% toy (think:Tickle Me Elmo). Babies aren’t born thinking Elmo is important- babies are trained to have Elmo be important.”

(Speaking of early “training”– in January of 2011, Disney reached a new low by trying to “brand” babies at birth by “hiring Our365–a newborn photography service/marketing firm–to promote its new Disney Baby line in maternity hospitals around the country. Moms who request a newborn portrait during their hospital stay are pitched Disney Baby by their photographer, given a branded onesie, and encouraged to sign up for email alerts from DisneyBaby.com.”)

Again, Susan’s words echo Magda Gerber’s who believed children should be the “main producers, script writers, and actors” in their own play, as Janet Lansbury explains in  Better Toys for Busy Babies:

Magda Gerber believed in “busy babies rather than busy toys”. She suggested we keep toys simple so that our babies could investigate them thoroughly, use them imaginatively in multiple ways, and be encouraged to be active explorers. As she explains in Dear Parent – Caring For Infants With Respect, “…entertaining kinds of toys (such as mobiles or, later on, wind-up toys or battery-operated items) cause a passive child to watch an active toy. This trains the child to expect to be amused and entertained and sets the scene for later TV watching.”

Alas, CCFC, along with the American Academy of Pediatrics and many early childhood professionals and play advocates, including me, are facing an uphill struggle, not only against corporate marketers, but with reaching parents with this crucial message.

Consider these statistics quoted by Dr. Linn: 19% of babies have TVS in their bedrooms, 40% of three month old babies are regular viewers of TV, and 90% of children under the age of  two years old have some involvement with screens.

This, despite the fact that there is “NO EVIDENCE, NONE  that TV viewing is educational,” and “recent research indicates screen time for babies may be habit forming, contribute to sleep disturbances, inhibit the development of language,  contribute to attention deficits, and leave less time for hands-on, active and creative play, or fewer interactions with parents. Another concern is that “screen-saturated babies will never learn how to soothe or amuse themselves independently.”

The question that most interests me is this one:Why do loving, conscientious, well intentioned parents ignore the AAP guidelines? Susan has conjectured,

“Today’s overworked, over stressed, under-supported parents don’t really want to hear that videos such as Baby Einstein and Brainy Baby are not educational and that screen time may even be harmful. By believing they’re beneficial, parents can justify using electronic media to get what may be a much-needed break from hands-on child care.”

Certainly, the conversations I’ve had with parents over many years of working with families would seem to indicate that this is indeed the case. Janet Lansbury writes, “parents desperately need breaks from the 24/7 job of baby care, especially in those first years (been there!). Sometimes TV can seem the easiest or only answer.”

Further, many parents DO believe that shows like Sesame Street, and videos like Baby Einstein and the ilk are educational, and some fear that their babies may be left out or left behind if they don’t have access to them, a point poignantly brought home to me when I was working as the supervisor of an Infant/Toddler Center and a young Mom came to ask me if I knew of anyone at the Center who had purchased the Baby Einstein videos and would maybe allow her to borrow them to make copies, so she could show them to her young son. This Mom shyly explained that she and her husband spoke only Spanish to their baby at home, and they had no income to spare to purchase videos, but she wanted her baby to have the advantages that other children had, and she felt the videos would help her baby learn to speak English better than she and her husband could. I was happy to be able to help her to understand that her baby wasn’t missing out on a thing by not having access to such videos.

Susan concluded her talk by saying,”This is an issue for our society, not just an individual issue. We pass on our values with the stories we tell, and the toys we give children. We tell them- ‘We like this.’  ‘This is what men and women should aspire to.’ ”

But do we want to buy the bill of goods corporate America is selling to us and our children? It’s an important question to consider, especially since our “boys are being sold violence”,  and our “girls are being sold princess culture and sexualization.” It’s a somewhat bleak picture, but not one that we can’t change if we choose. Let’s return childhood and play to our children, shall we?

If you are interested in learning more, or wondering what you can you do to support, encourage, and protect your baby’s innate ability to play and learn without the use of screen media, or undue influence from corporate marketers, here are some suggestions and resources:

1) Become aware and informed. CCFC offers reliable, trustworthy information through their web site and newsletter, and an incredible number of free resources for families, educators, and advocates, outlining what the issues are, and offering ways to be proactive in fighting the over commercialization of childhood. They also offer resources for families and educators who wish to be intentional and conscious in the use of screen media with children.

2) Consider following the American Academy of Pediatrics’ advice, and don’t expose children under the age of two to any TV at all. Limit TV viewing and screen time for preschool aged children to no more than one hour per day of educational programming, and try to watch with them, if you do allow them to watch.

3) If you are a parent struggling with the question of how to keep the TV off  while still managing to cook a meal or take a breath once in awhile, I can’t recommend Janet Lansbury’s posts No Need For TV, Baby, and A Creative Alternative to TV Time, highly enough. She gives concrete, solid guidance and suggestions that help to address the very real dilemma parents face.

4) Consider purchasing toys, books, clothing, food, diapers, and accessories that do not feature Disney, Sesame Street, or other cartoon characters. Look here for good ideas about toys for babies and young children that are 10% toy, and 90% child.

5) You can watch the documentary Consuming Kids for free online.

6) Don’t put a TV in your child’s bedroom, and don’t turn on the TV during meal-times.

7) Consider participating in Screen Free Week (which falls on April 30th – May 6th this year). Susan says it’s not necessary to give up the use of all screens for the week in order to participate, although CCFC will “go dark” on their site, facebook page, and twitter account for the week. You can use Screen Free Week as an opportunity to evaluate and assess your family’s use of screen media, and to experiment with ways to enjoy time together as a family without the distraction of screens. For the first time ever, CCFC is offering a free organizers kit. Get yours today!

8) Finally,  I invite you to share your thoughts, challenges, resources, and what has worked for your family in the comments below.

 

 

All They Need Is Play

Angelina writes: “I have been reading your blog articles as well as following on Facebook. I wish that I knew about your classes when my almost 2 year old was a baby! I was wondering if you could answer a question that I have been having or perhaps provide some insight. There are many blogs that I have been seeing raving about “Tot School” basically a semi-structured school time for young toddlers to preschoolers. I have done a few of the worksheets, art activities, and Montessori activities with her and while she enjoys it and has learned a lot, I can’t help but wonder if it’s too structured. What are your thoughts on early learning at this age? Could it be detrimental or am I maybe being too paranoid?”

playing outside - spring has arrived!

Dear Angelina,

First, thank you for reading, and for trusting me enough to ask for my opinion.You are  not being at all paranoid. In fact, you are being quite wise to question the value of a semi-structured school time that utilizes worksheets to teach your two year old. I hope you won’t mind that I chose to answer your question publicly, but it is one that comes up frequently, and my hope is that others will benefit from reading, and entering into the discussion.

I hadn’t heard of “Tot School” before, so I did a quick google search, and was dismayed by my findings: “For those of us with older children who are homeschooled, we often place a lot of emphasis on them while the tots just *play.* This isn’t bad, it just didn’t work for me. Personally, I felt I was losing valuable 1 on 1 time with my precious tot that I had with my first child since he was the only one then. Tot School is the time each day I spend with my tot, exposing early learning skills through FUN play.”

Now, there are two aspects of this I love: The first is the idea of spending some time each day focused on your toddler, and the second is the idea of fun play. ( Play is what your daughter naturally does, and she doesn’t need to be shown how to do it well!)  But what I don’t agree with is “exposing (your child to) early learning skills through FUN play.”  Why? Because as soon as you define a ‘learning goal’, and begin to actively ‘teach’ your child through using worksheets, or introducing planned activities and materials that are to be used in a prescribed way to teach number and letter skills (for instance), your child is no longer engaging in free, experimental, self guided, creative play, and the learning is no longer her own.
It’s just not necessary to expose your daughter to “early learning skills” in a structured, artificial way, because your two year old is constantly learning everything she needs to know just by being involved in her daily routines, actively exploring her world at her own pace, and engaging in relationship with you, the rest of her family, and the children at your local playground. All she needs is play to learn what she needs to learn, and to see her through to the time in her life when she is ready for more structured learning and instruction (ideally, sometime after the age of seven).
This is only one story about one little girl, but it illustrates what I’ve observed any number of times, over a number of years, with a number of children. S. who is now six, and in the first grade, is reading fluently at about a fourth grade level. She loves reading and writing, and just got her first children’s dictionary last week, which she begged her Mom to allow her to sleep with. I learned S. could read one day last year when there was a book fair at the school library, and we went  to look at books together. She picked up an early reader, and said “Do you want me to read you a story from this book?” I (of course) said yes, and she sat down and proceeded to read the whole book in an animated way, without a hiccup. I was a bit shocked, to tell the truth. I asked her if  her teacher had read the book to her earlier that day, and she said “No Lisa, I just know how to read it.” That night, as I shared the story with her parents,  they told me they had just discovered S.’s reading abilities earlier in the week, when she announced that she wanted to read a new book of fairy stories to them at bedtime. They were similarly amazed by her ability and fluency.

Reading by the window

The interesting thing is, her parents and I never focused on teaching S. to read through any formal means, like through the use of flashcards or worksheets, or other structured learning activities. We are all avid readers, and she sees us reading and writing regularly. We also took her to the library once every couple of weeks from the time she was about a year old, and of course, we  cuddled up and read to her daily. Other than that, S.’s  “schedule” as a toddler was just hanging out playing with me or her parents, until she was three and a half,  and started to attend a totally play based preschool for a few hours every morning, where she chose to spend most of her time in the dress up corner, or outside on the monkey bars.
It’s ironic that you wrote to me yesterday because a sobering article was just published in Scientific American which addresses exactly the question you are asking. Entitled The Death Of Preschool, the byline reads: “The trend in early education is to move from a play-based curriculum to a more school-like environment of directed learning. But is earlier better? And better at what?” The article concludes, “Perhaps most disturbing is the potential for the early exposure to academics to physiologically damage developing brains.” Yes, you read correctly, there is evidence to indicate early exposure to academics may actually damage developing brains. Not what any parent wants for their child, by any means.

…parents might be surprised to learn that “just playing” is in fact what nearly all developmental psychologists, neuroscientists and education experts recommend for children up to age seven as the best way to nurture kids’ development and ready them for academic success later in life. Decades of research have demonstrated that their innate curiosity leads them to develop their social, emotional and physical skills independently, through exploration—that is, through play.

Angelina, all of my education, experience, and instincts combined, lead me to believe that all your little girl needs and what she will most benefit from right now, is your loving care and attention, and the opportunity to play freely (you might give her a ball or a doll, read her a book, or take her to the park)  “mucking about” to her heart’s content. It so happens that Janet Lansbury published a post yesterday that I can’t recommend highly enough, which also addresses your question. Janet shares 10 Secrets To Raising Less Stressed Kids, and gives lots of great ideas for what to do instead of “teaching” through structured activities. She also offers a great resource list for learning more.

I will continue to write here, and post links on Facebook that I hope will  inspire you to enjoy your daughter, and create an environment that will allow her to flourish through play. If you want to read even more, check out any of the books listed below, which were recommended in the Scientific American article, and happen to be ones I also regularly recommend:

Einstein Never Used Flashcards: How Our Children Really Learn—And Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less. Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, Roberta Michnick Golinkoff and Diane Eyer. Rodale Books, 2003.

The Philosophical Baby: What Children’s Minds Tell Us about Truth, Love,and the Meaning of Life. Alison Gopnik. Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2009.

Mind in the Making. Ellen Galinsky. Harper Paperbacks, 2010.

 

Wishing you and your little girl many happy (unstructured),  playful days together!

 

 

What’s In A Name?

Names are an important key to what a society values. Anthropologists recognize naming as ‘one of the chief methods for imposing order on perception.’  ~David S. Slawson

Meet jeannezoo of  zella said purple. In her own words, Jeanne is  “an early childhood educator, artist, writer, book collector. committed to constructivist learning environments, documentation and photography as teacher research tools, and joy in the classroom.”  Jeanne recently wrote a beautiful post entitled because it is your name , which inspired me  to write this one.

In her post, Jeanne says,

KNOW that each name is important – the way it is pronounced and the respect it deserves.

The name IS the child that you are inviting, welcoming, and including into the family that is your classroom.

Uplift the names, uplift each child.

This reminded me of a conversation I once had with Magda Gerber about the importance of  calling each child by their name. Magda felt that it was especially important for early childhood professionals (teachers, nannies, pediatricians, etc.) to address even the tiniest babies by their given names, as opposed to calling them by pet, or nicknames. To Magda, it was a question of respect. In our society, it’s still  common for many, even professionals, to address both the very young and the elderly, using nicknames or pet names, which is disrespectful for two reasons;  it both diminishes a person, and  implies an intimacy and a power differential that should not exist.

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As a teacher of young children, I’ve often witnessed that sometime around their second year, when toddlers are typically asserting their sense of individuality, they will insist on being called by their names, even by their nearest and dearest. Pet names won’t fly. Just last week, I was at  the park and I overheard an exchange between two siblings. The big sister (maybe five years old) was comforting her little brother who had just taken a minor tumble from the slide. She sweetly offered to help him get up, asked him if he was OK,  gave him a hug (which he returned) , and then she said,  “I’m sorry my wee little sweetie fell and got hurt.”  This seemed to offend and upset the little boy more than the fall had. He straightened up to his full height and indignantly declared: “I NOT wee sweetie, I Zwackery ( Zachery) !”

A favorite quote by Dr. Seuss comes to mind, “A person is a person, no matter how small.”  And, I might add, no matter how young or old, and thus -deserves the respect of being addressed by his or her given name, instead of as “dear” or “sweetie” or “munchkin” or “baby” or “cutie”.

Because after all, our names are unique unto us, and define who are. I have many roles in my life- that of daughter, sister, student, teacher, caregiver, friend, lover, fiance – but I define myself to myself  first and foremost by my name- Lisa.

Words have meaning and names have power.  ~Author Unknown

For the same reason I try to avoid labeling children, or talking about them in their presence without acknowledging or including them in the conversation, I try to call each child I meet by their given name. Over the years, I’ve had the honor of  caring for and teaching many children, and I remember each one of them by name.

Over time, I have also become very aware of how I am thinking about and describing children, both to myself and others. One day, a Mom who was frustrated with her young daughter was describing her as “clumsy, oafish, a little like a bull in a china shop.”  I replied that I didn’t think of her that way at all. I thought of  her as delightfully exuberant. Her Mom got tears in her eyes  as she thanked me, saying, “You always seem to find and see the best in every child.”  ( I try, but I’m not perfect,  and I don’t always get it right.)

But doesn’t  it make a  difference in the way you feel about, and interact with a child  if you use these words to describe his behavior:

“He knows his own mind, and is decisive. He needs my help to understand that sometimes others have different ideas and feelings about things.”

As opposed to using these words:

“He is obstinate and stubborn, and needs to learn that what he wants is not the only thing that matters.”

Father and child writing name in the sand

My favorite story about my name and my professional title?  I’ve always felt there is no good name to describe my current chosen work – babysitter, nanny, caregiver-  none of them feel quite right, or really fit. Magda Gerber came closest to accurately describing the work I do, when she coined the term “educarer” which could apply to either a  parent or a professional- anyone involved in caring  for  a child or children on a day-to-day basis. The term embodies the notion that ” we educate (or teach) as we care, and we care while we educate.”

But in this case, I have to tip my hat to S., who is now almost six years old, and for whom I have been caring since she was just under a year old. When S. was three and a half years old, she started attending a preschool program a few hours a day, in the mornings. When I would arrive to pick her up every day, she’d inevitably be out back playing, and several of her little friends would run to find her, calling out, ” S, your Mom is here.”  S. simply replied, “That’s not my Mom, that’s my Lisa,” which the other children seemed to understand, and accept immediately. And thus, I became known as “S.’s Lisa.”  When S. started Kindergarten last year, she was thrilled to find another of  her classmates had a “Lisa” too.  The best job “review” I ever received? “Everyone should be lucky enough to have a Lisa like you.”

I’d love it if you’d share your thoughts with me about “the meaning of words and the power of names.”

Can’t Get No Respect

S. recently started kindergarten, and her brother and I walk to school to pick her up every day. One day this week, as I was pushing J. in his stroller up the rather steep hill to S.’s classroom, a Dad of one of S.’s playmates caught up with me and asked, “So is this what you expected? Is this what you wanted to do with your life? Did you say to yourself, ‘I want to spend my life pushing someone else’s baby stroller up the hill.’ ?”

Let me tell you, it was a good thing for him that the hill was steep, I was walking at a good clip, and I was slightly out of breath, otherwise he might have really gotten a piece of my mind. As it was, I simply said, ” You know, I have a degree in Education, and I’ve worked in a number of positions in the field over the years, but this is what I most enjoy doing, and I’m lucky to work with a family that really appreciates me and treats me well. So yeah, this is exactly what I want to be doing with my life.” That seemed to quiet him down.

Aside from the fact that I could never imagine being so rude to someone I barely knew, what upset me so much about this question is the underlying assumption and judgement that the work I am doing is somehow “less than”. I don’t know how else to describe this attitude, but I’ve encountered it often throughout my years working in the field of early childhood education.

I’ve bumped up against it when my salary as a toddler teacher was about half the salary of that of an elementary school teacher, and again when I worked as a nanny for another family earning $10.00 an hour, no benefits, while the housekeeper was paid $25.00 an hour.

Another manifestation of this attitude occurs at dinner parties with other professionals when I answer that I am a nanny in response to the ubiquitous question, “What do you do for work?” Many times the response from others is something along the lines of, “Oh that sounds like so much fun. You get paid to play all day.” (Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my work, but in no way would I describe what I do as “getting paid to play all day.”)

Once I dated a lawyer who said he really enjoyed reading professional journals and keeping up with the changes and nuances of law. I replied that I understood, because I also found it fascinating to keep up with the current reading and research in my field of work. He countered by asking what reading could possibly be associated with my”field.” “After all, you pretty much just change diapers all day, right?” ( By the way, this man was also a father.)

Needless to say, that was the end of our (very brief) relationship, but not before I took the opportunity to try to educate him a bit about what my work really entails.

When I was younger, I often felt insecure in situations such as the ones I described above, and I sometimes felt the need to “defend” myself and my choices by informing others of the full extent of my education and experience.

These days, I’m not lacking in confidence, and I don’t feel I need to defend or explain my choice of work, but I still feel the need to challenge the assumption that caring for young children is somehow a less worthy, or less important choice of occupation than any other.

This is not just a rant about the lack of esteem with which others sometimes regard my profession. The reason I am so passionate about raising awareness and sensitivity around this issue is because I see myself as an advocate for babies, toddlers, and their families, and all too often the attitudes I have encountered in response to my chosen field of work represent a microcosm of the prevailing attitudes in our society towards children and mothering.

I am aware that even today, women who choose to stay home with their young children are often judged in the way I am describing. Also, in my opinion, the fact that women with young children who are on public assistance are required to be enrolled in school, a work training program, or employed outside the home despite the fact that they often don’t have access to quality, affordable childcare, is a travesty. If we valued children in our society, don’t you think this would be different?

Lip service is often paid to the importance of nurturing, mothering, and protecting the youngest and most vulnerable members of our society, and yet everywhere I look, I see evidence that points to the fact that our priorities as a nation are not in line with our stated beliefs.

Isn’t it about time that babies and those who nurture, protect, and teach them are given a little respect? Babies are more than cute, and caring for them involves so much more than just attending to their physical needs. Magda Gerber taught that the way in which adults approach caring can make all the difference in terms of supporting a baby’s optimal growth and development. Those involved in caring for and nurturing babies are involved in the most amazing, most important work in the world. I can’t help but wonder what it might look and feel like to live in a world where the needs of children are truly valued and put first, and families receive all the support they need in order to nurture their babies. Isn’t that a world you’d like to live in too?

Learning

I read and read, and every once in a while, I come across something that resonates deeply and I feel is worth passing on. The following is a quote about learning written by Dawna Markova:

Learning is so much more than a transfer of information. It can mean wholeness, empowerment, actualization, liberation. Observe any young child anyplace in the world and you will find a seeker of excellence built into their DNA. They embody this inherent impulse in their rampant curiosity about themselves and their world, the way they naturally follow their interests and rhythms, seek out and risk experimentation, honor their dreams and daydreams, consider mistakes as information rather than something wrong. Children have taught me that learning is discovering something is possible.

The question for me as a caregiver and an advocate for children becomes “How do I allow, support, and protect the child’s natural ability to engage in her own learning in this deep way, and how do I support parents in being able to see the miracle of what their child is capable of from birth ? ”

I’ll tell you I earned a Master’s degree in Education, and worked with children for many years before being introduced to Magda Gerber and her RIE philosophy, which finally provided me a meaningful way to begin to answer this question. Magda’s philosophy is both simple and profound, and beautiful in that it allows parents and other adults who care for children a way to honor and nurture a child’s essence from the very beginning. I remain in awe and gratitude to this wise woman for her work with children and families, her teachings and insights, and her way of teaching…