Tag: Relationships

Falling- A Lesson In Friendship, Forgiveness, and Moving On

He isn’t a baby anymore. He’s growing in leaps and bounds, and scaling new heights every day, in every way. As his world grows larger and he begins to play with other children besides his sister (who has been the world to him up to now), both the physical and the emotional challenges he faces are bigger. At the park last week, J. worked and worked, and was finally able to scrabble up the “big” rock. He sat at the top, next to B. (a little boy we know from our neighborhood, who at almost four years old, is about a year and a half older than J.).

B.’s Mom and I were standing nearby, chatting. Suddenly J. was falling, and he landed face down on the ground next to the rock. I quickly moved in close, and J. lifted his arms to indicate he wanted me to pick him up, while emitting a heartrending sob. I held him close, and gently rubbed his back. I could feel his chest heaving against mine. I wanted to take a look and make sure he wasn’t bleeding anywhere, but he was clinging to me tightly. In between sobs, he choked out these words – “B.  p…p…p…pushed m…m…me!” I could hear the shock and bewilderment in his voice. I understood that while the fall may have hurt, the fact that he had been pushed by a friend hurt more.

In that moment, I felt my stomach clench, and a flash of anger ran through me like a current. My thoughts went something like this: “Why???would B. push J.? How could he? J. is one of the most gentle children I know. He was just sitting there! B. is older- he should know better. How would he like it if someone (like me) pushed him off the rock?” (I know, I know- I’m supposed to be a professional. I’m supposed to know and understand that these things happen, that  it’s all part of  life and learning, and that  both children are in need of compassion. And I do know it, and I practice it.)  But in that moment, it was my J. that was hurt and sobbing because another child had intentionally (and stealthily) pushed him.This was the first time something like this had happened to J. in the two and a half years I’d been caring for him. Somehow, in my heart and mind the fall was worse because someone else had purposely caused him to lose his balance. I felt protective- a little like a Mama Bear maybe- “Don’t  even think about hurting my baby or I’ll hurt you!” But it turned out J. didn’t need my protection, as evidenced by what happened next.

Climbing
B.’s Mom had heard what J. had said, as had B., who had made a quick exit from the scene. As I continued to comfort J., B’s Mom brought him back over to where we were, and asked him if he had pushed J. She was clearly upset and flustered. She was both apologizing to me and telling B. he had to apologize to J. B., meanwhile, wouldn’t look at her, and was trying to squirm away. I was still holding J., who indicated he wanted to get down. Still hiccuping, he walked right up to B., looked him in the eye, and very clearly said, “B. don’t push me! I not like it! You not push me again!” B.’s Mom insisted B. had to apologize to J., and B. offered a halfhearted, “I’m sorry,”  but J. had said what he had to say, and he wasn’t holding any grudges. He was ready to go back to playing. “Come on B.! Want to climb the rock?” Fifteen minutes later, when it was time for us to leave the park, J. was happily waving and calling, “Goodbye B.! Bye, bye! We see you soon.” I spent the last fifteen minutes at the park reassuring B.’s Mom, who was distraught that this “problem with pushing was coming up again.”

I stood humbled and in awe of J., who, at two and a half years old, demonstrated an ability to clearly express his feelings and boundaries, while navigating a difficult situation with grace and forgiveness, which is something I sometimes still struggle to manage to do easily. Young he is, vulnerable he may be, and certainly he needed the comfort of my arms, and my  listening ear when he had been hurt, but how amazing to realize his ability to negotiate a friendship on his own terms. I wonder why it’s so hard for us “grown-ups” to do the same?

Is it hard or easy for you to let your child take new physical or emotional risks? What feelings come up for you when your child is hurt? Are the feelings the same or different when the hurt is caused by someone else’s actions?  How much do you think adults should intervene in children’s interactions or conflicts?

Stop! 5 Easy Steps To Effective Limit Setting With Toddlers

Structure, expectations, predictability- all add up to responsibly raising and loving our children. The freedom we all feel deep within ourselves comes once we understand where we stand in the scheme of things.” Magda Gerber

From my mailbox:

“I am 23 years old and have a 3 year old daughter and a 3 month old son. I just recently began researching alternatives to corporal punishment and have come across so much information I am having a hard time sticking with one particular style. I’m trying to pick and choose what I feel is right but it seems that everything I have tried with my little girl isn’t doing much so I revert back to yelling and spanking and threatening corner time. It really really hurts me to treat her that way but that is how I was raised and I am having such a hard time breaking the cycle. Her most used lines are “I don’t want to.” “NO!” “I said NO!”  Where do we begin?”

“I don’t know what to do when my son does something  to hurt his little sister, like hitting, kicking, or grabbing a toy from her. When I see my son act like this, I feel angry at him, and protective towards the baby. I want him to learn to be kind and gentle with his sister, and I don’t understand where this behavior comes from. We are always gentle with him.”

“I’m a single Mom, and sometimes, my daughter just wears me out. I feel like I’m saying the same things again and again, and she just doesn’t hear or listen. After the tenth  time of saying “No!” or asking her to do something, sometimes I just lose it and yell at her, especially at the end of a long day, when I’m tired too.”

“Mornings are the worst for me. It’s always such a busy time. I’m trying to get all of us dressed, fed, and out the door on time, with everything we need for the day, and that’s always the time my youngest chooses to have a meltdown, or cling to my leg. I try to stay calm, but it’s hard. He will be throwing his breakfast on the floor, refusing to get dressed, or chasing the poor dog and pulling her tail, and I just don’t feel like I have the time to deal with it calmly.”

“How do I deal with it when my daughter screams at the top of her lungs, no matter what I say or do?”

“My son is 18 months old and he loves to throw balls and play catch. The problem is he throws everything, and often at someone, and sometimes hurts them! How do I teach him (or can I, at his age)  what’s appropriate to throw, and where?”

“I have trouble getting my son to look me in the eye  when he’s bitten me or his father. And I’m speaking about when he bites for sport / play, not when he’s tired, overstimulated, etc. Traditionally, when he’s bitten us, I simply and neutrally state “No biting” or “I don’t want you to bite” and then move on so I don’t fuel the fire with attention. But over the past few months, this has stopped working. So, I’ve instead started kneeling at his level and tellling him gently that I don’t want him to bite me. It’s at these times that he’s squirmy, looks away, and deliberately avoids eye contact. Any ideas? Or is this the wrong technique? He’s 23 months, by the way.”

Stop Sign

Does any of the above sound familiar? All of the toddlers in these examples are acting in completely normal and age appropriate ways, but their behavior can sometimes be perplexing and exasperating to the adults who love them, and it can be hard for parents  to know how to respond. We want to help young children to learn to behave in socially positive ways. Young  children need to trust we will respond with kindness, and  help them to understand the limits and learn what behavior is expected and accepted. Recent research indicates that if we react with harshness, young children can’t learn anything at all. Young children feel safe and secure, and can cooperate more easily when adults  calmly set clear, consistent and firm limits, when the “rules” don’t change, and when they are told what they can do instead of just hearing “No!”

Here are five easy steps to help you effectively (and calmly) set  limits with your toddler:

1) Begin with empathy and  trust.  Assume your toddler is doing the best she can do in any given situation, and is not just  trying to drive you crazy. Trust this: with your gentle guidance and some time, he can and will  learn to act in more positive ways.

2) Next, observe or notice what is happening, and simply narrate or state what you see or hear.

“You hit your sister, and she is crying.” “You are throwing  the sand.”  “You are throwing your food.” “You are screaming.”  “You are throwing your blocks.” “Ouch, you are biting me!”

3) Briefly explain why you want the behavior to stop.

“It hurts your sister when you hit her.” If you throw the sand it might get into someone’s eyes, and that hurts.”  “Food is for eating. It makes a big mess when you throw your food, and I don’t like it.” “It hurts my ears when you scream,” or “I can’t understand you when you scream.” ” Blocks are hard and it might hurt someone if you throw blocks at them.” “Biting hurts.”  Notice two things: Most of the time, you want or need to set a limit when your child’s actions might harm them or someone else. Also, it is perfectly acceptable to ask your child not to do something because you don’t like it- your feelings and needs matter. So if you find yourself getting upset because your child is making a big mess that you will have to clean up,  or you just can’t  bear to listen to another moment of screaming,  say so! Sometimes just drawing attention to the behavior and the reason it is inappropriate is enough to stop the unwanted behavior (at least in the moment).

4) Set the limit, while demonstrating the desired behavior or offering an alternative, if possible.

“I won’t let you hit your sister. Please touch her gently.” ( Say this while stroking both children gently.) “If you want to hit, you can hit this doll (or the floor, or these pillows).” “Please keep the sand low in the sandbox” ( demonstrate). ” If you can’t remember to keep the sand low, I’m going to ask you to leave the sandbox.” When you throw your food, that tells me that you’re done eating. If you still want to eat, please keep your food on the table or I will put it away (or ask you to get down).”  “Please don’t scream. I want to understand, and I can’t when you’re screaming. Can you show me (or, tell me  using your regular voice) what you want?”  or “If you want to scream, I will ask you to go in the other room (or outside).”  “If you want to throw something (or play catch) let’s go find a ball. Balls are for throwing. If you keep throwing the blocks I will put them away for today.”  “No biting!” ( Say this firmly, while putting your child down.)  I will move away if you are going to bite me. If you want to bite, you may bite this teether.”

5) Follow through with the limits each and every time (consistency). This is very important.

When you set a limit your child may resist, or express some angry or sad feelings. This is perfectly natural, and fine. Accept, name and acknowledge your child’s feelings, but calmly hold firm to the limit. Your child is entitled to express and have her feelings heard, but that doesn’t mean you have to meet her anger with anger, agree with her, or give in to him.

Help your child if necessary. Stay nearby and supervise closely if your child is prone to hitting his sister. “You are having a hard time remembering to keep the sand low in the box, so I’m going to ask you to leave the sandbox now. Can you do it yourself, or would you like some help?” “You are still throwing your food. I’m going to put it away now.” (You can also hand your toddler a cloth and ask her to help you clean up the  food that was dropped.) “You are still screaming. I’m going to ask you to go get all your screams out in the next room,” or “I can’t help you when you’re screaming.” “I’m going to put these hard toys away, and you can play with these balls and stuffed animals.” (In some cases, it may be necessary or helpful to make changes in your environment or routine that will make it easier for your child to remember and cooperate with the limits. For instance, it may be helpful to put away hard toys for awhile if your child is intent on throwing everything. Maybe providing a gated, safe play area for the baby will protect her from her brother when you can’t be right there to intervene. Maybe changes in the morning routine are needed to make it a less rushed, stressful time, or you can put aside some  special toys that come out just in the morning for your toddler to play with.)

Remember, the attitude with which you approach your child and the tone of voice  you use when setting a limit matters just as much as what you say. The goal is not to punish, but to teach. Children learn just as much (or more) from what we do, as they do from what we say. Magda Gerber always said, “What you teach is yourself.”  What do you think she meant by that?

Roughhousing- Is This A Good Way To Play?

 

Hands of Love In “Peaceful Babies—Contented Mothers,” pediatrician Dr. Emmi Pikler asks us to consider the importance of the touch of our hands.

Hands continue the infant’s first connection to the world (outside of nursing). Hands pick her up, lay her down, wash and dress and maybe even feed her. How different it can be, what a different picture of the world an infant receives when quiet, patient, careful yet secure and resolute hands take care of her—and how different the world seems when hands are impatient, rough or hasty, unquiet and nervous. In the beginning,  hands are everything for an infant. The hands are the person, the world. The way we touch a child, lift and dress her is “us” more precisely, more characteristically than even our words, or smile, or glance. If, from the start, we handle an infant peacefully, patiently, and carefully, she will discover ever more joy in these activities, learning at the same time to trust us more and more and to take an increasing part in our work.

To me, this begs the question: Should tickling, play wrestling, tossing a baby into the air, swinging a toddler by the arms, pillow fights- all activities otherwise known as roughhousing- have a place in the relationship between an adult and young child? Many Dads routinely engage in this kind of play with their children, and will tell you it  is harmless fun, enjoyable for both adult and child, and that it is the way children naturally play. If you observe young animals at play, you will often see them tumbling together, and “play fighting.”

In fact, Dr. Larry Cohen, author of  The Playful Parent, and co-author of the new book, The Art of Roughhousing, contends that roughhousing is actually beneficial for both children and parents in many ways:

“Roughhousing activates many different parts of the body and the brain, from the amygdalae, which process emotions, and the cerebellum, which handles complex motor skills, to the prefrontal cortex, which makes high-level judgments. The result is that every roughhousing playtime is beneficial for body and brain as well as for the loftiest levels of the human spirit: social awareness, cooperation, fairness, and altruism.”

In an interview with Megan Rosker (Let Children Play) Dr. Cohen says:

“I think that good quality roughhousing will make it more likely for a child to be kind and cooperative towards others, to be a good partner and parent, and to care about the community.  The reason I believe this is that good roughhousing builds closer parent-child bonds, promotes confidence and empowerment, and solves family problems and behavior problems that can interfere with the child’s unfolding development.”

Roseann Murphy of Little River School had this to say about roughhousing, in response to an article detailing  Why Dads Should Roughhouse With Their Kids :

“There are many different views when it comes to “roughhousing” Things I have observed over the years include…what looks like fun to the adult is not “fun” for the child. Tickling is an area of roughhousing that has to be handled with dignity and respect. “Play hitting or boxing” can cause some issues at school. If it is OK to hit Dad, why can’t I “play hit” my pal? Great area for conversation.”

There is always a size and power differential when adults are roughhousing with children, and I think it’s too easy for adults to miss the subtle cues very young children give, thus making it easy to cross the line from reciprocal to hurtful. Not to mention that young children are just learning about their own bodies, and their physical and emotional boundaries, and even when they may be begging for “more”, they might have had enough, or be vulnerable to injury.

Engaging in such vigorous adult/child play may not be offering a good model for children. If we want children to learn to respect their bodies, to be gentle and non-violent, and to respect other people’s bodies, shouldn’t we be modeling this gentleness at all times? I tend to think the younger the child, the more need for care and caution on the part of the adult.

Whenever I think of this kind of very physical play between parents and children, my mind flashes to an image of a video I first viewed when I was a student at RIE. In the video, a male adult is lifting a baby overhead again and again, while the camera shakes and blurs, representing what the baby might be seeing and experiencing.

A more recent image also comes to mind. J.’s Mom, Dad,  and I, were walking home from his sister’s school dance performance. J. (age 27 months) was walking between his parents, and they were each holding one of his hands. J. used his parent”s hands to gain leverage to swing himself a little bit between them, and they responded by lifting and swinging him higher. Each time they stopped, J. would beg, “Again? Again?” J. was laughing and clearly enjoying himself. Suddenly, laughter turned to tears as he yelped  in pain, and couldn’t be comforted. I immediately suspected a dislocated shoulder, as I’ve seen this type of injury more often than I would like to remember, over many years of caring for children. (An experienced  pediatrician can  pop the shoulder back into place, quickly relieving the pain.)

J. actually had what is referred to as nursemaid’s elbow.  His arm was hanging at an odd angle,  he was holding it close to his body, and it was immobile. It took two trips to the doctor that day to pop J.’s elbow back into place, because his regular pediatrician wasn’t available to see him the first time, and the younger, less experienced doctor thought she had fixed the problem, but hadn’t. Needless to say, this was a traumatic day for both J. and his parents (who are among the most gentle, kind people  I know). They were responding to J.’s request for this vigorous play, and felt horrible that they had inadvertently hurt him and caused him pain.

Some children seem to enjoy roughhousing with siblings or peers, and I think if all the children involved are having fun, and no one is getting hurt, this kind of play can be OK sometimes. (Many parents, especially Moms, are very uncomfortable allowing or witnessing this type of play fighting among children.)

Still, I  wonder if  it might be  healthier for adults  to offer children alternative ways to expend the energy and emotions that often lead to the desire to “tussle” with others. For instance, children can push, pull, carry, or punch sandbags, roll around on the floor with pillows, play chase, and tumble down hills. These activities are what Frances M. Carlson calls Big Body Play.

In her book, Carlson (like Cohen) argues that “boisterous, vigorous, and very physical play is essential to children’s development and learning.” She advocates including this type of play in all early childhood settings from infancy on, but as she presents it, the adult’s role is not to engage in rough play with children, so much as it is to create and allow opportunities for children to engage in such play with other children. The adult’s role becomes one of facilitator, instead of direct participant.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about this somewhat controversial issue. Do you think  parents should roughhouse with their children? If so, when, how, and at what age should this kind of play occur? What benefits and drawbacks do you see to rough and tumble play between children and adults? Do you see the need for more opportunities for children to engage in very physical play with each other, or do you think adults should insist that children play “nicely”, or gently with each other at all times? Tell me what you think!

 

 

Listening

The following are quotes from Joyce Maynard’s novel Labor Day about what babies know, and what they need, and how we might listen to, and be with them. I found these passages to be inspiring and wise, and wanted to share them here:

One thing he would tell me, though, he said, had to do with babies.Not that he was any kind of expert, but for a brief while, long ago, he had cared for his son, and that experienece more than any other had taught him the importance of following your instincts. Tuning in to the situation with all your five senses, and your body, not your brain.A baby cries in the night, and you go to pick him up. Maybe he’s screaming so hard his face is the color of a radish, or he’s gasping for breath, he’s got himself so worked up. What are you going to do, take a book off the shelf , and read what some expert has to say?

You lay your hand against his skin and just rub his back.Blow into his ear. Press the baby up against your own skin and walk outside with him, where the night wind will surround him, and moonlight fall on his face. Whistle, maybe.Dance. Hum. Pray.

Sometimes a cool breeze might be just what the doctor ordered. Sometimes a warm hand on the belly.Sometimes doing absolutely nothing is the best. You have to pay attention. Slow things way down. Tune out the rest of the world that doesn’t really matter. Feel what the moment calls for.

What I have found is that a baby-though she doesn’t know words yet, or information, or the rules of life- is the most reliable judge of feelings. All a baby has with which to take in the world are her five senses.

…And it has been my experience when you do this-slow down, pay attention, follow the simple instincts of love- a person is likely to respond favorably. It is generally true of babies, and most other people too, perhaps.Also dogs. Hamsters even.And people so damaged by life in the world that there might seem no hope for them, only there may be.